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AIBU?

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Original poster

Married 1 year and cannot stop arguing

74 replies

notnotnee · 01/08/2013 11:49

Hi all, I am new to this so please bare with me.

Have been with DH for one and a half years (married 8 months after meeting) and things are getting me down.

I know getting married to someone so soon is pretty mad but, it felt so right at the time for both of us. With hindsight, not a good idea.

The problem is, I am starting to see things I didnt notice before. He is lazy (works in summer and not really at all in winter, he dosnt do much around the house, he never wants to socialize with my friends. I have the odd social cigarette, to which he goes mad. He has debt of £25000 he pays back £40 per month on. Dosnt give a shit about it really. Just says "he wishes he had taken more on the cards before they were closed". His work ethic is poor. When I have asked him in the past to do any DIY he moans. The last argument we had he said "what am I, the Fucking handy man".

I am rambling, but I think what I am trying to say is, how do I get him to listen to me when I have a moan about things instead of him telling me how wrong I am all the time. He never listens, just tells me I am wrong, and I am analyzing him, its not important to him etc..... I have 2 children from a previous relationship, 19 boy and 16 girl. He barely talks to them.

Really do want to work things out but I feel it is always his way or no way. He just cannot or will not take on board anything I say.

Any tips on how to get him to listen and reach a resolution.

OP posts:
Original poster
notnotnee · 01/08/2013 12:47

Ancientcrone

He asked me to marry him and I accepted. Simples!!! Whirlwind !!

OP posts:
Original poster
notnotnee · 01/08/2013 12:50

Yes, I love them more than anything in this world. They are sooooo understanding and just accept it. Never really complain. If they dont instigate conversation with him, they would never talk. If ever he does say anything, it often appears to be negative.

OP posts:
Sallyingforth · 01/08/2013 12:52

If that's a card debt as you suggest and he's paying £40 a month, the debt must actually be increasing.
You are NOT going to be able to change him I'm afraid - he's stuck in his ways so you either put up with it or leave. Sorry!

ImperialBlether · 01/08/2013 12:56

OP, are you really fooling yourself about your children's relationship with him? They had 13 happy years with you and then he comes along and doesn't even speak to them? They must be so unhappy.

Original poster
notnotnee · 01/08/2013 12:59

hoikypoiky

Sorry for coming across confusing. Its hard to explain...

The loan was not a loan, it was several credit cards that he maxed out intentianally. Now on a debt management programme paying back the bare minimum.

I think I have made my bed and therefore have to lie in it really.

OP posts:
Original poster
notnotnee · 01/08/2013 13:04

imperialblether

I have worried about this before. They are unbelievably forgiving children. Thie dad did not bother with them for 10 years and they hold no grudges towards him. They have an amazing ability to forgive whic I am so staggered at. They just think he is quiest and laid back ??

OP posts:
maja00 · 01/08/2013 13:11

So... he's lazy both with work and home (which you do not find attractive)
He doesn't really like socialising with you and your friends, would rather be out on his own
He doesn't like your children
He isn't very respectful to you
He has huge debts

vs.
He has a nice car and when he has a bit of cash he spends it on holidays instead of clearing his debts

After a long time alone with your children, do you think maybe you fell for the idea of the big romance and husband rather than the reality of who this man actually is?

zippey · 01/08/2013 13:14

Im surprised he didnt just pay off his debt with the money from the equity of the house.

But aside from that it just seems like like thats the way he is. Now you can see some faults you want to change him. It will be hard to change things like his work ethic and wanting to socialise.

Sallyingforth · 01/08/2013 13:17

OP I worry about your children, even if you don't.
You have clearly done a wonderful job bringing them up single-handed, but they have been set two examples of thoughtless, careless, lazy men. They have grown to accept this. They are growing up to think this is the normal way for fathers/husbands to behave. It's not good.

Original poster
notnotnee · 01/08/2013 13:24

Yes, I agree. You cannot teach an old dog new tricks. I think is is a case of put up or shut up !!

And yes, I do think I may have fallen for the idea of marriage etc. I struggled for years working so hard to support my children and maybe saw this as an opportunity to take my foot of the pedal. The price I am paying is, I now have 3 children to look after lol. Not really funny !!

OP posts:
Original poster
notnotnee · 01/08/2013 13:28

sallyingforth

I hear what you are saying. I do have conversations with them all the time about responsibilty and working hard for things in life. I am sure they will and have been affected in some way by their fathers behaviour in the past and now my DH, but I am maybe not ready to call it a day. I do not want to put them or myself through it again. Maybe I must just accept he is unenthusiastic and a bit lazy but means well. (I think)

OP posts:
LisaMed · 01/08/2013 13:31

In a few years he will have a claim on the equity in your home, so I think you need to consider whether you can live like this long term and what it will be like if the kids fly the nest?

Hope it works out for you.

CheeseFondueRocks · 01/08/2013 13:31

Get a divorce.

Original poster
notnotnee · 01/08/2013 13:32

maja00

You make a very good point. Yikes !!

OP posts:
Original poster
notnotnee · 01/08/2013 13:35

Lisamed
OMG, stupidly have not thought about this. How can I make sure this dosnt happen. He is not getting his hands on my house thank you.

When the kids go, (son off to uni in September) i think it will be very quiet and lonely.

OP posts:
LisaMed · 01/08/2013 13:38

I don't know the full legals, just know to look out for it, but tbh I don't think that there is a way to keep the equity in your name after a certain time, you'll need to get qualified advice on that I think.

Wishing you luck.

Original poster
notnotnee · 01/08/2013 13:45

Thank you for all your advice. Its been very helpful x

OP posts:
HoikyPoiky · 01/08/2013 17:56

Sorry I didn't mean to sound so critical of your posts being confusing. I understand that it is because you are, quite understandably, confused yourself. Smile
In your heart of hearts if he magically disappeared would you feel relieved? It is better to admit to yourself sooner rather than later if you think you have made a mistake with this marriage.

What do you think he thinks of you? Do you think he thinks he is doing you a favour by being with him?

If this is what he is like now do you worry about what be will be like in the future?

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 01/08/2013 18:01

Blimey

It seems to me that you should not have married him. I'm sorry, but that's the only conclusion I can reach based on what you say.

AnyFucker · 01/08/2013 21:28

....Repent at leisure

Oh dear. What on earth were you thinking ? What you have done to your kids is very hard to understand, sorry.

Beastofburden · 01/08/2013 22:39

Actually, you are the one with the money, not him. You have a house. He has debt, and spends money he doesn't have on toys. I suspect he is relying on your house and your money becoming his meal ticket for life. If you don't like the idea of that, get legal advice NOW.

joanofarchitrave · 01/08/2013 22:47

'He is not getting his hands on my house'

That doesn't sound like you actually think of yourself as married tbh.

Sleepyhoglet · 01/08/2013 23:26

Wow. When I first read this I thought you were a couple in your twenties but now I see you have teenage+ children so much be older. He sounds very immature.

How did he accrue so much debt? Please don't let him take advantage of you financially.

ExcuseTypos · 01/08/2013 23:59

I married after 8 months, but I was 22 and young and stupid

We really didn't know each other at all. We were very lucky that one of us wasn't a tosser and we've had 24 happy years.

If my DH had treated me like yours is, I'd have bailed out very quickly. If he's treating you like this after a year, what will he be like after 10Sad

WestieMamma · 02/08/2013 00:14

It sounds to me like the problems stem from you wanting to change him. I don't think marriage works like that. Ultimately you have to either accept him as he is or walk away, otherwise you'll always be arguing.