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AIBU?

Married 1 year and cannot stop arguing

74 replies

notnotnee · 01/08/2013 11:49

Hi all, I am new to this so please bare with me.

Have been with DH for one and a half years (married 8 months after meeting) and things are getting me down.

I know getting married to someone so soon is pretty mad but, it felt so right at the time for both of us. With hindsight, not a good idea.

The problem is, I am starting to see things I didnt notice before. He is lazy (works in summer and not really at all in winter, he dosnt do much around the house, he never wants to socialize with my friends. I have the odd social cigarette, to which he goes mad. He has debt of £25000 he pays back £40 per month on. Dosnt give a shit about it really. Just says "he wishes he had taken more on the cards before they were closed". His work ethic is poor. When I have asked him in the past to do any DIY he moans. The last argument we had he said "what am I, the Fucking handy man".

I am rambling, but I think what I am trying to say is, how do I get him to listen to me when I have a moan about things instead of him telling me how wrong I am all the time. He never listens, just tells me I am wrong, and I am analyzing him, its not important to him etc..... I have 2 children from a previous relationship, 19 boy and 16 girl. He barely talks to them.

Really do want to work things out but I feel it is always his way or no way. He just cannot or will not take on board anything I say.

Any tips on how to get him to listen and reach a resolution.

OP posts:

Report

Jux · 02/08/2013 19:19

Who cares what pthers think? They aren't there, in the marriage, with the children, are they? Their opinions are irrelevant.

Get yourself and your assets covered however you do it, notnotnee.

cjel · 02/08/2013 17:41

Sometimes the realisation of the truth is hard, but I'd echo think hard about what you do now. Don't do nothing!!!!

HoikyPoiky · 02/08/2013 15:11

You haven't been a fool so don't worry about what other people are thinking. Granted, it doesn't sound like marrying him was the best decision in the world but I bet you did it with the best of intentions.

What would be foolish is o carry on with things as they are now.

Sallyingforth · 02/08/2013 13:46

notnotnee
I still get the feeling you are wavering. Please don't stop now. A lot of people here are going to be concerned for you and your children until you have got legal advice and started the process.

notnotnee · 02/08/2013 13:00

thebody

Not sure he would be into Relate. He is not a talker and thinks they are all a bunch of "do gooders". And yes, it was a very hasty move

OP posts:

notnotnee · 02/08/2013 12:46

Thank you AnyFucker (giggling at your name), you are right. Just need to get on and do what I need to do and not worry what people think of me

OP posts:

thebody · 02/08/2013 12:43

oh totally agree on protecting her children's assets absolutely.

just sounds like a hasty move in your part op to marry and the rose tinted glasses have gone.

what about relate?

AnyFucker · 02/08/2013 12:36

Don't bury your head in the sand now you realise how foolish you have been, love

We all make mistakes. Some cannot be ignored though, get some legal advice. The professionals have seen all this before.

notnotnee · 02/08/2013 12:18

The more I think about this the more of a fool I feel. How could I have been so irresponsible. Feel like I am going to be the laughing stock. His friends know what he is like with money and work ethic and so does everyone else. He must of seen me coming :-(

OP posts:

sarahseashell · 02/08/2013 11:34

see a lawyer ASAP
you need to make a will at the very least
you could be liable for half his debts?/all of them?

notnotnee · 02/08/2013 10:12

Wow, it seems like a unanimous opinion. Get out !!! Well, I will keep you all posted. But in the meantime, I will be seeking advice to protect my house (just in case) things do go Pete Tong. I really have jumped in a bit too soon gulp !! and not covered my ass !!!

OP posts:

Sallyingforth · 02/08/2013 09:59

I don't think Relate can help here. He doesn't want to listen because he doesn't want to change. He's the ultimate cocklodger - he not only gets all the home comforts but he gets the home as well!
OP I take no pleasure in saying this, it's not what you want to hear, but I really feel sorry for your children who don't deserve being cheated by him.

GloriousGoosebumps · 02/08/2013 09:22

To The Body, there's a huge difference between the financial / inheritance planning of a couple in a first marriage and a couple in a second marriage where one or both have children from a previous relationship. It would be wholly irresponsible for the OP not to seek to protect her children's interests by protecting the asset (i.e. the house) she built up prior to this marriage.

filee777 · 02/08/2013 08:04

Harsh situation but, op, I don't get the impression that you will divorce him, I think that regardless of the reality of the situation you just won't.

Which is such a shame because your children are old enough now and you in such a food financial position that you could really find someone to have a lot of fun with.

I don't think you will though.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 02/08/2013 07:48

I also don't like the sound of the phrase:

"they are very forgiving"

If you are relying on the apparent forgiving nature of your teenage children, who have a stepfather who doesn't talk to them, then you aren't really thinking it through, imo.

thebody · 02/08/2013 07:43

but she knew about the debt when she married him I am guessing.

also she went on the holidays so enjoyed helping to spend the equity on presumably his house?

sounds a but cold to me but equally I don't like the sound if him not talking to the ops children.

tumbletumble · 02/08/2013 07:42

OP have you considered Relate to help with the communication issues?

ExcuseTypos · 02/08/2013 07:38

TheBody I expect if his wife came into the short marriage with 25000 debt and was treating her H like this man is, he'd be told to get out of the marriage very quickly, with his house.

thebody · 02/08/2013 07:26

you don't sound as if you like him let alone love him.

interestingly wonder how a man saying 'she won't get her hands on my house thank you very much' would be treated?

Want2bSupermum · 02/08/2013 02:37

Lift up your skirt and find those balls. Now call a lawyer.

We all make mistakes. I was talking to a collegue today and she told me her H walked out on her in Feb (middle of our busy season). She was working 70+ hrs a week as a 2nd year associate in a big 4 firm at the age of 42 and raising their 3 children, one of whom is autistic. She had to move her parents from Antigua because he refuses to pay any support. I have so much respect for her. We were talking and she said what holds her together is knowing that she is acting out the values she believes in and has sought to pass on to her children.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 02/08/2013 02:20

You married the wrong guy, basically. There isn't any advice we can give to help either of you become different people.

daisychain01 · 02/08/2013 01:38

I dont wish to sound negative, but on the practical side, if you do decide you need to seek a divorce may I suggest you engage a barrister, who will build the case based on legal precident for a short marriage such as yours, to ensure that you protect the assets you came into the marriage with. He may well feel he is entitled to 50/50, but you did not have children together and you bought substantial assets into the marriage so it should be possible to argue that what each party brought into the marriage, so they should take out (you take your house, he takes his massive cc debts). Any asset gain made during the marriage is what gets divided 50/50. Hopefully realistically your house will have not gained or lost any value during the short period of your marriage.

Please do not be scared off by the word barrister, they are very reasonable in cost, and they can save you an absolute fortune. You can easily engage one via services such as barristerweb, absolutebarrister. You will need a solicitor, but more for the mechanics of letter writing than anything. You can engage a barrister directly these days, not necessarily via your solicitor.

As a previous poster said, if you are going to do it, please dont delay as you will want to base your case for divorce on very short marriage, no children.

You and your children, who sound lovely by the way, will be better off and happier.

Best of luck, take care, you DO deserve happiness and respect from a man who wants to be with you and share your life. YANBU btw xx

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AncientCrone · 02/08/2013 01:15

It was his idea to get married then. And he's essentially a bankrupt. I'm surprised the word cocklodger hasn't been mentioned yet.

Jux · 02/08/2013 00:34

So, you say he says he loves you to bits and really wants to make it work? Just, he doesn't want to quite enough to do the things you ask of him. Hmmmmm.

Are you sure? Because, conversely, you don't love him quite enough to risk letting him "get his hands" on your house.

So really, neither of you much want the other.

WestieMamma · 02/08/2013 00:14

It sounds to me like the problems stem from you wanting to change him. I don't think marriage works like that. Ultimately you have to either accept him as he is or walk away, otherwise you'll always be arguing.

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