to be annoyed that 'playdate' turned out to be a birthday party?

[FCEK]

I'll give a wee bit of background as I don't want to drip feed.

My DD is in her first year of primary. The mother of one of them is a bit strange. Other mothers have commented on this also. She does not appear to enjoy conversation - not responding or acting irritated that you have tried to speak to her.

If my DD went up to her DD to give that girl a hug goodbye at home time, the mum would pull her daughter away and shoot me a dirty look

Last week, she sent me a Facebook message. I was surprised as we don't have mutual friends and also because my privacy settings mean I shouldnt be 'found' but anyway...the message was asking if my DD would like to come to her house for a playdate with her DD.

I was taken aback but said it would be nice and agreed as DD does like her DD. I arranged for DM to drop her off and pick her up as DM watches DD whilst I'm at work.

I arrived home from work at my DMs to pick up DD and DM tells me when she dropped DD off, there was a 'happy birthday' sign on the door. DM thought maybe it was the mum's birthday or something but there are about 10 other kids there. DM is embarrassed as DD did not have a present with her, nor was she dressed for a party - just casual and a bit wet as she had apparently jumped in a puddle on the way there .

The mum said she didn't want anyone bringing presents (which I think is a shame for her DD). according to my DM, DD was visibly uncomfortable at the fact she was not the only one there, that she didn't know the other kids etc (she's normally confident).

AIBU to think its unfair to let me and my DD think she was the only one invited, for DD to feel special (it was to be her first ever 'grown up' playdate that didn't involve going to next door neighbours houses), to not enable DD to bring a present (it seems other kids did), to embarrass us, and to think its downright ODD not to say something is a birthday party when it is?

[diddl]

I do think it's odd that some knew & some didn't?

Or just your daughter didn't?

I don't think it's odd to think that your child is the only one on a playdate.

Perhaps she accidentally invited on the wrong date?

i remember being at the dentists with my daughter & making a 6m appt.

Receptionist said a date & I agreed.

Then she said, are you sure? & her & daughter were looking at me in anticipation...

Took me ages to realise it was daughter's bday!!

[FCEK]

yes, I was pleased she had invited DD, I thought maybe my initial perception of her as odd was wrong but it wasn't, the mum is definitely odd.

But the kids like each other, and we have reciprocated by inviting her dd for a playdate.

I wont say/do anything and just let it go. Just thinking to myself that it was strange.

[harrietlichman]

bit odd, IMO, YANBU.

[FCEK]

it wasn't the wrong date, in addition to her initial FB message, my DM called her to explain DD was at a summer camp until 3pm that day and would be dropped off immediately after. She still didn't say anything on the phone.

Although thinking back to the message, she did say the playdate was between 3 and 5, 2 hours, and I did think that was a bit specific. I should have realised, huh?

[ApocalypseThen]

It's not usual, but hardly merits annoyance.

[lecce]

OP, the more you post about this woman being 'odd', the more I feel sorry for her. Tbh, you are coming across as a little spiteful and narrow-minded. She sounds socially awkward, and, yes, I can see why your dd may have found the situation a little uncomfortable at first. However, I think you should be encouraging your dd to see the positives and make light of it, and you should feel that way yourself, too. Instead you are banging on about her being under-dressed , not feeling special and the mother being odd. Couldn't you try and appreciate some of the (reasonable ) reasons why the mother may have done what she did?

[diddl]

Maybe she accidentally put playdate instead of party?

Maybe the times were a clue-although playdates here were always 3-6 unless otherwise specified!

[BiscuitDunker]

Perhaps the mum didn't tell you it was a birthday party because you would then bring a present but her dd didn't go to your dds party so perhaps she didn't want you to feel that your dd was only invited so her dd would get a present?

I understand the part about assuming it was just going to be your dd and hers but most kids (and their parents) wouldn't care if it turned out to be a group thing or a party. Ok you would feel awkward for not bringing at least a card as it turned out to be a party but its not your fault the mum didn't tell you and the mum didn't bother on your dds birthday so its not exactly unfair that you didn't take anything.

What really matters is that the mum was kind enough to invite dd round for her dds party as it was obviously what she wanted and I've know doubt that your dd had a great time,after getting over the initial confusion/disappointment.

Perhaps take it as a lesson and in future don't make out to your dd that it will be just her and her friend when she goes to their homes,mainly because you have no idea if it will just be her there due the fact its not your house and also because it will stop her getting confused or feeling disappointed in future :)

[diddl]

But even if you thought there might be another child there-10 and it being a party is quite a big change!

Especially for a youngster!

[StillSeekingSpike]

Just goes to show that Mean Girl behaviour doesn't stop once we grow out of our teenage years.......

Even if every mother in the school yard has decided this women is ODD and WEIRD- couldn't you have said to your daughter 'How lovely! Not just a playdate but a party! What fun for you!'? Or would that reduce the bitching session at the school gate?

[ll31]

Op you sound quite nasty the way you keep saying she's definitely odd... As if to reassure yourself... V strange, odd even

[mirry2]

I really don't see the problem here. I would always look for the positives in these situations -if you do, your dd will take your lead.

[numbum]

If your DD was the only school friend there, who were the others? Quite possibly relatives/neighbours/ friends from birth who would have known it was the girls birthday?

I think your reaction is odd TBH, especially wanting your DD to feel special. She should feel special enough being the only school friend invited.

[Mumsyblouse]

See- if my daughter came home and said 'guess what mummy it wasn't a playdate it was a party!' I'm pretty sure she would be really happy and I'd say 'that's amazing, how lucky are you to go to a party!' It's all in the way you spin it really.

Also- remember if the mum is socially awkward or a bit odd, then asking people's children she doesn't know will be a big deal for her, ok, she might have mentioned the party aspect but she still invited your dd, your dd's get on well together, so I don't see anything negative about this at all. This mum might have social anxiety and if so, putting together a party at home for her child is a major achievement, please don't talk about her being odd to other parents, there's just no need to comment on any parent with other parents at the school gate and if people say bitchy things or try to tell me about some parent's affairs/oddness/wierdness, I just make a mental note not to be their friend as I hate this type of talk.

[FCEK]

Actually I have been saying to DD how much fun it must have been and chatting to her about the games, what the cake looked like etc.

And I've sent the mum a 'thank you' FB message on DD's behalf.

[numbum]

Or perhaps others were invited but have decided the poor mum is too 'odd' to make an effort with?

[mirry2]

FCEK you've done the right thing.

[FCEK]

I tend to listen to the other mums at social situations, rather than starting gossip myself if that makes sense. I don't actually like gossiping and try to keep my thoughts to myself or voice them on MN.

I think many of you have ignored the way she responds to DD trying to hug her DD goodbye etc. That's more than being socially anxious, that's nastiness. She has pulled her daughter away when other children have approached her DD to talk to her as well.

Thanks for the contributions anyway.

[SarahAndFuck]

Perhaps the children who took gifts were family children, who already knew it was the girl's birthday. And the ones who didn't were like your DD and invited as a play-date.

People think I'm odd. Or stuck up. I'm not, I'm lovely I just seem to have a different style to most of the other mums at the gates and I can be a little shy.

That said, I'm the one who talks to the most people while we wait, while many of the others stand alone or in their groups. I'm the one that makes the effort to chat to whoever might be there and more than a few of the others will stand in silence if their particular group isn't there yet.

If that makes me odd then so be it. I don't care, which seems to be another reason people find me odd.

Perhaps they don't go to other parties because they can't afford a present, and for that reason they said it was a play-date not a party, they didn't want to receive presents they can't reciprocate with.

[StillSeekingSpike]

It may not be 'nastiness' she may have a germ phobia, be very anxious about other children, even be over protective of her daughter. A 'nasty' person would harldy invite another child to a birthday party, would they?

[BackforGood]

Have to agree with most - it's a bit unusual, but people have suggested lots of reasons why she might have done it. As others have said, mine would have thought "even better!" if they thought they were just going round to play and it turned out to be a party
Sounds as if the Mum is socially awkward for one of a number of reasons, but just because she's done things differently from the way you would have, doesn't have to mean it's a bad thing.

[Kiriwawa]

It's a bit of a silly thing to do - many children of that sort of age need to be mentally prepared for a group of children where the dynamic is totally different from a one on one playdate (horrid term). My DS (who admittedly has SN but wasn't diagnosed at that age) would have completely freaked

[SarahAndFuck]

Actually I know someone who organised a church christening for their baby and turned up in a wedding dress because they had also booked their wedding without telling anybody.

They got married and had the baby christened at the same time, all the guests were a bit but also delighted and they said they had been together for so long anyway that they didn't want all the planning fuss or people bringing presents or anything, they just wanted to give everyone a nice day.

So unusual, but not odd. It's perhaps more common than you think OP.

[BiscuitDunker]

Perhaps she's a germ-a-phobe and worries about her or her dd getting sick from other peoples germs (even if they're perfectly well)? Some people are like that. If you don't make an effort to talk to this mum you won't get to know her or the reasons behind the behaviour you describe as odd... If she is paranoid about germs or something similar then her hosting a party for her dd is a really big deal for her and perhaps is a big step towards her changing the way she is about other people?

There could be one of a hundred different,but perfectly reasonable,explanations for the mothers behaviour at the school gates. For all you know she may act that way because she's heard you and/or the other mothers bitching about her and only invited your dd to please her dd as it was her birthday and perhaps she hoped you would reply to her invitation with an excuse as to why your dd couldn't go because that's the kind of person she thinks you are? Who knows!

I'd say to use this playdate/party invite as an olive branch and try to become the womans friend,not just to find out the reasons behind her "odd" behaviour,but because perhaps she's actually a nice person and has made the effort to find you and contact you on facebook so perhaps,even if she has heard you bad mouth her,she feels you are the nicest and most approachable out of the other mums and wants to make the effort to make friends with you for both your and her dds sakes as they're such good friends...

[hurricanewyn]

I've done this - kinda

For one of DS's birthdays we couldn't afford a party, so we invited three of his friends over for a playdate - we had a nicer tea than normal and had birthday cake for pudding.

I didn't tell the parents because I didn't want a big fuss from them - we weren't having a big party or party bags. DS had a lovely time though, with his friends there.

Might it be the same for this woman?