How can people be late everytime?

[LimitedEditionLady]

AIBU to be really annoyed that my friend is literally NEVER on time?It is not even just five minutes,its usually at least an hour!

But lately she has been getting generally later, and not caring either.In other words, she is now going too far. We wont cut her out, as we have all be friends for so long, but one of us is going to be having friendly words with her!As she is letting other things slip as well. And we are all getting a little fed up of her rudeness.

I think you're right to have words, but to me, if things have been changing from their usual pattern, and she's letting other things slip when she d, that would make me wonder if other stuff is going on.

I had a discussion with my manager recently about how demotivating work stuff has been lately, and how it's affecting me, and how I have sometimes even been a bit late (which is really unusual for me.) He said he hadn't noticed. I didn't feel it would actually do me any favours to point out the 3 days in the last fortnight when I had been late, but the fact he hasn't even noticed hasn't helped my motivation. I'm not late when I have had to be in for meetings - but he did talk to one of my colleagues about cutting his arrival time rather fine/too late, so he's not even being consistent. Or really doesn't notice me. But how people can do it when others do notice and tell them, that I can't understand.

My last boyfriend was a distance relationship, and I'd go to some effort to make sure I was at Luton on time to collect him when his flight came in, and I usually made it, though there were a handful of occasions I was a bit late, such are the joys of the M25 on a Friday evening. I'm about an hour from Luton in good traffic, up to 3 on a Friday evening... He is about 20 minutes from his local airport, yet I was always the one who had to wait for him to turn up to collect me after I'd arrived and got through passports and so on. He didn't see why he should leave a bit earlier, in case the plane was late and he had to wait. But it was okay for me to do so, after I'd had a few hours journey? He couldn't make a little extra effort to be there for me as I came through arrivals? It's one of the reasons he's ex rather than current - he just didn't seem to understand why it wound me up, not even when it was cold and wintery or anything.

I think it depends on the person as to how much it irritates me. My DSis is always late - especially for things that she hasn't organised. So she rocked up to my ds's 1st holy communion 40 mins late. Literally just in time to see him receive communion. The lunch that took place 90 mins later she was also 20 mins late for. She does it to control and because she is too arty and bohemian to be constrained by my boring social mores. Her time is just more valuable than mine. Obviously if I am ever late for one of her events she sulks. It is a control thing.

My friend otoh is always late because she is having so much fun with the person she is with - whether it's another of her many friends or her family - that she loses track of time. Despite being anally punctual myself I forgive her because a) I know what she's like and I factor it in! and b) i know she will lose track of time with me too. Essentially she is a charming and warm person who lives in the moment with the gift of making everybody she is with - even passing strangers - feel as though there is nobody she would rather be with at that time. Which is why we all forgive her. She also suffered a traumatic event in childhood (mother died unexpectedly) and so I found the neurological explanation put forward by another poster very interesting.

Tallulah mine does that, then he'll wait for me to start the car before he decides he needs a poo.

Well, it's true that some people have non-neurotypical based reasons for being late, but it's still rude. I'm rude to people constantly sometimes for similarish reasons, and it's not intentional but it still happens.

I don't think I am perfect. I think that I don't wait around for late people if they do it persistently. I don't have a go at them or anything. I don't need to as it doesn't bother or affect me. I just don't participate in that behaviour. Similarly, some of my friends don't invite me to parties, only small gatherings or dinners. This is because I am terrible at parties. I can't understand new people easily so I'm rude to strangers. A lot! I don't mean to be, but it's still a reality that I am and it makes things pretty awkward sometimes.

I hate parties anyway, so I'm glad to not have to go. But I also respect the right of my friends to have a relationship with me that is mostly fun and not a big stress for them. So we have dinner together instead. And my late friends? They turn up on time or they just don't come to things they can't manage.

This is honestly a less stressful way to manage neurological difference in adulthood. Just do different things that suit you. There are lots of ways to hang out. I have a friend that gets lost all the time. ALL the time. She gets lost in TOILETS. So she doesn't come hiking. We go to her house. Find something that suits. I know you can't do this as a kid, you gotta go to school/college, you gotta conform. But you don't HAVE to as an adult. You can choose your battles. You can choose to live differently and be happy!

But expecting everyone else to bear the cost of your problem is a bad idea. Forget all the emotional stuff, just pragmatically, people have limits.

I used to be 'always late'. Then I got a job where you CANNOT be late. It was very stressful at first and I cried on the way a few times when I realised I wasn't quite going to make it but after a few weeks of really trying to work out how to get there when I wanted to get there I cracked it and started to arrive in time for a coffee and a fag first :)

Now I am a punctual type (usually!) and much less forgiving of lateness in general. It took a lot of effort for me to overcome it and I get up ridiculously early if I have to be somewhere but it's worth it to avoid the stressy panicky feeling when you realise you are already late...I've got systems that I use so I can find my stuff, I set loads of alarms for different things, none of my clocks tell the same time, I allow loads of contingency time especially with two little kids. If a system fails I go bananas but it's rare. I cried the other week when I was 10 min late to my dd's dance class! I used to feel like that all the time so it reminded me the effort is worth it.

I guess what I'm saying is I am naturally late and disorganised and untidy and find it hard to concentrate but I put a lot of effort into overcoming it because I don't want to inconvenience other people and I feel much better for it.

I don't buy the neurological explanation - it just sounds like another excuse for being late and late people are the queens of excuses.

Plenty of people have a whole plateful of issues and still manage to be on time. It is called consideration for others, which we should all aspire to, regardless of whatever personal burdens we carry.

Remember, the person you have left waiting will have their own demons they are contending with. Late people - it is not all about you.

Tell one of of these late people that if they arrive at 7pm they would get a cheque for a million quid but at 7.01 they wouldn't and you could be damn sure they would be there on time.

I feel the same way when I arrange to meet someone, the thought of keeping them waiting fills me with horror as it suggests i think my time is more important than theirs,so I feel very motivated to get there on the dot (usually early).

A late person doesn't seem to have that sense of motivation, if they cared enough they would move heaven and earth to get there (just like they would to pick up that cheque).

I should point out I am rarely late nowadays as I have many things in place to help but I still find it hard and am less likely to be late when somebody is waiting as I hate to think of them waiting. I just don't like the tone of this thread that assumed people prone to lateness are just doing it for selfish reasons.

Yeah, I don't buy neurological explanations either, ithaka. Like, those dyslexic people, they should just learn to read like everyone else.

I have a friend like this, and for her it is not being disorganised, it is because she likes to be the centre of attention and make an entrance and to have everyone notice her.

One time her parents invited my parents and I to a Sunday lunch for 13.00. We waited. And waited.

Finally at 2.30 her mother said 'Oh she's always late, let's eat'. So we ate. The starter. The main. The pudding. We had had a turn around their new garden, visited the next door farm to pat the calves and were sitting drinking coffee when she finally turned up. No apology, nothing.

That was the last time I ever agreed to an invitation anywhere with her.

It's so easy to just plan your time. I get a bus to work. There's 2 buses that would get me in on time. One would get me there with 30 mins to spare the other would give me 10 mins to spare. I get the earlier one so if it's late I still get to work on time.

I've been thinking about it and why I run late. It is for social things. Routine things like work, swimming lessons I'm not bad on, and it's because there is a pattern of doing x at a certain time through the morning until I leave the house. Social things aren't routined in the same way. What I need to pack for two infants will also vary (long gone are the days of purse, phone, keys, glasses, go). I also notice that the mornings that I start getting ready late are the ones I'm more efficient with. I do build in contingency time, but if I'm too generous with that and am running early, I end up getting distracted and am at my worst. Social things are where the inconvenience of being early is greatest as my friend will be getting ready- for an appointment or transport there is a waiting area so being early is not of negative consequence. I use time at the start of the school day to do work, so the time I aim to be in for is well in advance of the time I need to be there. I am "late" by my own standards, but not by the school's.

The family thing has an influence as it's the culture I grew up with. It didn't matter how well prepared I was for getting to school when the time I got there was dictated by my mum or brother's readiness to depart. By family standards, I'm pretty good. There wasn't a social taboo attached to being late, and my friends are very similar to me so we are all patient and understanding with eachother (and often grateful as the other is often on the late side themselves)

Yes Limited, it will potentially spoil an event a couple of times.

But it depends how big a deal the current arrangement is I suppose.
As others have said, she is being rude to you.
I appreciate that you value her friendship, a lot, fair enough, but if you let the current situation continue, I suspect that ironically, it will be her that doesnt value you very much at all.

Because, in life, once a person is allowed to get away with treating another person disrespectfully, repeatedly, they dont much value them at all. Because in their heart of hearts, they come to the conclusion that the other person doesnt value themselves, so why should they.
And, ironically, she may be the one to walk away from you.

i am nearly always late most if my friends are. its not about not respecting other people its a bad habit and i always feel bad

i am always trying to do too many things at once

plus i have a few friends that are very (but strangely never late when they make an effort) so us meeting up depends on me making the effort so i guess we both but up with the crap side of each other

it is something i am trying to not pass on to ds

and yes i have missed a plane but dragging a screaming toddler across stansted airport after being held up by ryan air for over 2 hours was the reason

If you're habitually late for friends you're disrespecting them,rude and ditzy
I bet you don't have any more tasks than anyone ese,you simply can't prioritise
As you say habit you're not willing to break,feeling bad doesn't alter your behaviour

MiL thinks that it's fine to be late (up to an hour and a half) if you're meeting in a restaurant or pub and the other person has access to drinks and seating.

I've even heard her say' Oh, I'll have to be late to meet XXXXXX' without her even needing to be late if she just sped up a bit.

She's a ditherer though. Gets stressed if she's 'rushed' (i.e. someone wants to leave on time) and really doesn't think it's unforgivably rude to leave someone waiting for 90 mins.

I think some habitual late people think they can't help it,or it's ditzy cute
In most cases You can help it,you chose to be late.because you're thoughtless

Some people may choose to be late but a lot don't. You had it right when you said people "can't prioritise".

Prioritising things, planning and organisation are brain functions that vary between people. We're not all the same at that any more than we're all identically good at reading or maths or sports that require physical coordination.

Look up the long-term effects of traumatic brain injury (ADHD has similar symptoms). Things like depression cause problems with this too.

Even those people who aren't bad enough in this area to get diagnosed with anything still vary along a spectrum. We're not all the same.

To those people who'd end a friendship over this without a backward glance - would you do the same thing if you had a friend who couldn't read as well as you or who couldn't throw a ball as well as you?

I'm not saying people should be just let off any amount of lateness, but just bear in mind that if someone does have problems in this area, they know they're not being deliberately, thoughtlessly late, and so it may genuinely not occur to them that that's how it looks to other people.

They may just see themselves as trying hard, having the right aims even if they miss by a bit, and since they know they mean well they think it's OK, unless and until someone complains.

I should say I'm talking about people who are slightly late not so many hours late with no message sent ahead that it really can only be thoughtlessness.

There are people who are so bad at this sort of thing that to succeed they might need to spend the whole day getting ready for an appointment at 4pm, just like someone with dyslexia might take ten times as long to read a news article as a good reader needs.

Since everyone has a duty to try to be on time, then the people who are really bad at organisation and planning and time management have a duty to spend that whole day getting ready, if that's what it takes, or not make the appointment in the first place.

Once you work out that you need that much time, and that's OK, that's just you, then it's easier to put it into place. But most people don't expect you to need that much preparation time and it isn't always possible to get it given competing demands of work, family, kids and so on.

So it can become a process of muddling through juggling things badly and screwing everything up, feeling embarrassed about being late often but feeling powerless to fix it - because it really is not a case of just not caring.

Nagoo we get that as well.

Bluegrass even under those circumstances DH would leave home at 7pm. Then be surprised he was late.

Alanmoore my DH doesn't get the stressy panicky feeling when we are late. I'm the one hyperventilating because I'd planned to leave 2 hours earlier.

Yes,that's a organisational,clinical reason why a minority are late
Most people do not fall into. That category.given majority arent on spectrum
The majority They fall into hapless,rude or can't be arsed category

I'm agreeing with Scottishmummy. Only I'm going to add swear words.
Its fucking rude and inconsiderate. I had one friend who knows I had 3 hours because I can only bring dd into town to meet up when I have a Carer to help me. So Carer arrives and I get myself, dd (and all her oxygen, nappies, tubes etc she is 10) in her wheelchair and the Carer oonto the bus for the half an hour trip into town. The friend knows we will have 2 hours as I have to get the Carer back as she is contracted to work 3 hours only. The fucking friend shows up 1 hour and 50 mins late with her toddler claiming toddlers are difficult
This friend is now an ex-friend as this happenend far too often.

I used to be late for everything, not very late but a few minutes all the time. Growing up it was just how my family was and it became normal. My mum is the worst - we moved house (10 miles, 3 buses) 6 months before my gcses so I couldn't move school and I had to get a lift home. She was late EVERY day! Often 45 mins or so. I remember being sat on the pavement age 15 trying not to cry with frustration. I vowed I would never do that to my kids and so far (5 years) so good. The first few days of school I was 20 mins early but I've calmed down now! Ironically having small children has made me far more punctual in everything because I've just developed better habits and a more realistic timescale for things.

MrsMook The family thing has an influence as it's the culture I grew up with
Not always! I love my DD dearly but she is the only person in the family who is totally incapable of getting anywhere on time. She is intelligent, highly trained and organised, but is SO bad about punctuality that her friends would tell her an event started an hour before it was actually due to kick off.....and, occasionally, she would still be late.
I despair!!

She grew up with punctuality as the norm. She is not one of the worlds scatty types - always manages to get to work on time, and annoys herself when she is running late yet again!

It just seems completely beyond her and it drives me round the bend!

What i found is telling my friend if we are to meet at 7 dont leave the house at 7.Or i get her to call me when shes waiting on the bus and i leave soon after.

I find when your late they are the very people to have a fit about being late.I wouldnt mind ive kids,she doesnt if i can be on time why cant she be.Really annoys me as well

I have learning difficulties and I am 'always' late - but I know that I am like this so I am constantly trying different things to make my life run smoother, for example I needed to get to work at ten, so the latest train I could get would be the half 9, so I tried to make sure that I was ready for the 9oclock train. Also if I am being picked up by someone, I tend to ask them to arrive 15 minutes before they want to leave. If I am meeting up with someone, I say that I will be there at 5ish and I will text them when I leave and if I am running late.
These things only work if you know that you are a late person.