It's half my money too!

[grumpyinthemorning]

I'm planning on getting my second tattoo this week - finally in a position where I can afford these kinds of luxuries. I'll be paying for it out of the savings DP and I have put away over the last year. I told him this, he says he won't stop me but...

Apparently I shouldn't be touching those savings because they're the start of a mortgage deposit. This is the first I've heard of it! And he goes on about his bloody five year plan and how he doesn't want to be living in a council house forever. I'm taking £100 out of £600, it's money we don't see, we'll hardly be worse off. Then he had the front to say I shouldn't spend money on frivolities!

Now, here's where I got really arsey. See, he works, I don't, because childcare for DS would cost more than I can currently earn. I am studying for my degree, so I'm doing something! And I'm receiving child benefit and tax credits, which get spent on essentials such as, y'know, food, so it's not like I don't contribute. It's rare that I actually have any money in my account at the end of the week, so I go without luxuries a lot of the time, while he thinks nothing of stopping in at the pub after work.

So AIBU to get my tattoo done anyway, since it's something I'll always have and will enjoy, even though he's complaining about the cost?

[GrendelsMum]

Yep, I agree with everyone else. You and your DH need to organise your weekly budget for household items, your weekly spending money, and your weekly saving money, and they you'll be able to pay for your tattoo without it coming out of the savings.

I do sympathise, but you've got so little money put by for emergencies that I wouldn't risk spending 1/6th of it on something that you can easily buy a little later.

[AMumInScotland]

Sit him down and sort out the finances. Then you won't feel as pissed off at him wasting money but disapproving of you doing the same.

The tattoo is a red herring

[AnnieLobeseder]

Why do you have to ask him for money to spend anyway? You two really need to sort out your finances together. Look at this as a good opportunity to get things settled.

There should be a family pot that you both have equal and unrestricted access to for buying food, paying bills, kids' clothes and all other household expenses. Budget how much this should be and stick to it.

Then you should have a fixed amount going into savings.

Then, with whatever is left over, you should have a small budget each (equal) to spend as you see fit on the pub, taxis, fun things and tattoos.

You don't earn money at the moment, but you save the family a fortune in childcare and cleaner bills, so you have absolutely as much right to every penny as he does. No SAHP should ever be in a position where their access to family finances is restricted by the working partner unless there are serious reasons like gambling addiction or chronic overspending. You are a partnership, the money he earns is not his to maintain absolute control over.

[DeepRedBetty]

Not often you see such uniformity in responses to an AIBU!

OP The Hive Has Spoken...

[Pennyacrossthehall]

AMumInScotland The tattoo is a red herring

I was scrolling down this thread to find out what the tattoo was going to be, but this has exceeded my wildest expectations!

[JohnRebus]

Hi all. I'm new here but felt I needed to reply!

It is shared money, you have child benefit, etc and as you look after the children (which is not paid work, but oh so worthy), no childcare fees (expensive outlay) are needed - your paypackets would take a real basing were that not the case. As far as it should go, you are both equal partners and he doesn't ask for your approval when he goes for a (or several) pint/s more than once a week or a taxi to get to work (I struggle with the latter as to why, but hey). His pints, etc for a month (I'm guessing) total the amout you will pay out for your tattoo. If he's not happy that you are delving into the savings, suggest that he could top up the savings by abstaining from these (non-essential) pleasures for a month so that YOU can have something too.

What tattoo are you planning?

[QuintessentialOldDear]

I am sorry, but with only 600 in savings, you are not really in a position to afford luxuries and blow 1/6th of the savings on adorning your body. It is madness, and a really stupid thing to do.

[QuintessentialOldDear]

I also think kicking up a fuss about him having a pint after work will open up a can of worms where he can start asking if you never go out for a coffee, or have a muffin/jamdonut or anything fancy all day you spend looking after dc.

[CloudsAndTrees]

YABU

[TantrumsAndBalloons]

If you had more savings, that were not part of a plan like a deposit for a house then I would say do what you bloody well like with it.
But....that's a good percentage of your savings all in one go.

Is your OH taking money from the savings account to go to the pub etc? Or is it money in his account IYSWIM?

I think you need to look at the finances jointly so you both have money that is "yours" so he can go to the pub, you can do what you please with yours.

But taking a chunk of money out of a savi GS account intended for a house deposit? I wouldn't do that.

[HazleNutt]

YANBU to think it's your money too.

YABU to blow 1/6th of what you have managed to save over a whole year on a tattoo. If 600 is all you have in savings then I would not be spending money on frivolities just yet.

[grumpyinthemorning]

QuintessentialOldDear, he can ask, I don't do those things. If we're going out I take drinks/snacks with me.

The tattoo is cherry blossom up my thigh, though I'm tempted to get a red herring instead

[CreatureRetorts]

You both need a proper discussion about this. Savings IMO are for emergencies or specific big things like a deposit or holiday.
Perhaps give each of you an allowance so you can save separately for such things.
Also he needs to realise that you being a SAHM doesn't mean you're on a jolly. You're looking after his child!!!

[Holly94]

If you only have £600 saved I think YABU to take £100 of that for anything non-essential - not just a tattoo. What if something important breaks that needs replacing and you need that money?
Maybe talk toDP and ask him to curb his spending a little?

However YANBU to think it's your money too - you are a family, and all income should be family income!

[Aetae]

I think the tattoo isn't the real question. It might be a good example of the issues you're having though - you and he have different attitudes to money and you don't seem to have an equal say in how it's spent (and by that I don't mean the savings, I mean all of your family earnings).

Ideally you would have a budget for entertainment (each), a shared budget for emergency expenses (saved), a shared budget for weekly expenses etc - all adding up to the total coming in. And both agree to stick to it, or discuss it if there needs to be a change.

I think you should use this as an opportunity to have a good chat with him about how the two of you will manage money more fairly and agree some ground rules - hassling him to be more frugal isn't going to work. And yes, I think it's completely fair to get the tattoo, but at least make sure he understands why.

[FrenchRuby]

I love tattoos and I regularly (once a month maybe) spend money on them, but I don't take money out of family savings, we are saving for a house too but I wouldn't take money out of that for a tattoo. I save a bit of money after all the bills are paid and then see if I have enough to book some time. Bills and savings come first.
You're right it is your money too but £100 is a lot out of your savings.

[BackforGood]

I do think you are being short sighted to take £100 to deface your body spend on something that's not a necessity if you only have £600 saved between you.
However, the bigger issue is that he seems to think he can spend money on things he wants to that are not necessities (a drink in the pub) but that he doesn't think you should.
Why not each have the same amount of "pocket money" (for want of a better word) each month which is your own to treat you to whatever you want, or to save if you prefer to do that - if money is tight, then it might only be £20 a month, or, if you have a bit more, it might be £75 or something, but you each have the same and therefore can't criticise the other's choices.

[BeCool]

The taxi to work habit needs to stop. That would mightily piss me off!

As the others have said, the real issue is you don't have an equitable division of disposable income between the 2 of you. It seems he pleases himself while you have to ask for a few pounds now and then. This isn't a recipe for long term happiness.

Despite what I posted earlier I can totally understand why you want to spend some ££ on yourself. I do feel that it would be a shame to dip into savings. But I wonder how 'safe' those savings are from your P anyway? Like you, I'd be at the point of thinking 'fuck it I'm having the £100' - it really wouldn't solve anything thought (other than the cherry blossom issue).

[BeCool]

Though - not thought.

And red herring not cherry blossom.

Damn autocorrect

[Whothefuckfarted]

More discussion needed as a couple in future about stuff like this.

[MidniteScribbler]

If your life savings are 600 pounds, you can afford 100 for a tattoo.

[quoteunquote]

Don't get the tattoo,

Do a spread sheet of every penny that is spent each week,

It will highlight the places where money could be saved, bought lunches, taxis, pub trips,

then if all the unnecessary expenditures are cut you can predict how much will be saved,

agree to save half of this each month towards the deposit, and then split the other half equally between you,

then you can both either decided to spend it going out individually/together, or for personal treats such as taxi, tattoos,

That way the saving increase, you both get the same, and no one feels hard done by.

If he doesn't want to do this you need to question why.

[BasilBabyEater]

What quoteunquote said.

It does sound like as a couple, you haven't really sat down and gone through finances and agreed how you're going to organise them.

It's really important that any division of labour/ money in a relationship is fair.

He's got most of the money and you've got most of the labour it sounds like.

That's generally not a very good recipe for contentment.

The tattoo is neither here nor there.