shouting "that's really bad parenting" out of a car window is not reasonable behavior

[reallybadparenting]

this was not my finest hour:

3yo DS was having a melt down. Ten minutes away from home he refused to scoot, be carried, or walk in a homeward direction. He let me pull him for a bit on the scooter, but ended up just wanting to push it down on the pavement and stare at it. The midday sun was baring down on us both. I tried to put some sunblock on him, he hates that so more screams. Eventually I found that if I carried the scooter he would follow me crying shouting for the scooter. Shameful, but at least we were getting towards home. We reached a road crossing with traffic lights. I asked DS to press the green button. He refused, so I did, queue another meltdown from DS. When the lights changed I tried to get him to follow me across. He refused. We waited for another green light, still no movement. When the third green light came I walked across to the centre and he looked like he might follow. The lights changed and he was at one side of the lane of traffic and I was at the other and I gave up and went back over to him. The traffic had been held up a bit and someone sounded a horn a few cars back. The cars started moving and some woman shouted out of a window "that's really bad parenting". I felt like

Yes, OK, I should not have let DS more than an arm's reach from me beside a busy road. I'm quite confident about his road sense, but I should not assume drivers are sane. Bad mothering! I also should have taken the pram.

So I'm not proud.
I would have been no more proud if I'd shouted that out of the window though.
AIBU to think if she'd wanted to be helpful to me or DS she could have shouted something else, like "careful" ?

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

The yellers choice of wording was poor.

However. .she just saw a snapshot and probably thought she had to say something. .how was she to know that wasn't just how you always crossed road.

She didn't have time to give you a detailed lecture so just yelled something, thinking of your Ds, I assume. She hadn't seen the build up

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

However I understand your annoyance havjng wanted to shout at the woman who told DD to walk carefully down the stairs as DD was making a meal of it and giggling. .she didnt know DD struggles with stairs so judged on a snapshot, but I suppose wanted DD to be safe.

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

The driver is right though; you shouldn't have left him at one side of the road with you on the other. I sometimes do the walking away and saying goodbye thing as it does sometimes encourage my 3 year old to follow me but I would never put a road between us.

Can you give him a piggy back? I often do this if DS is tired or being awkward.

[HandMini]

It was a nasty thing to hear, but it was true. I would savage seven shades of shit out of DP if he made the same parenting decision you did. I would also sack a nanny/childminder if I knew she'd done this.

I would put her comment out of your mind but I would ensure you have a strategy for this in future.

For what it's worth, my strategy (I have a small baby and a confidently walking 2 year old) is that DD1 walks, but if toddler rage occurs (which happens not infrequently) I restrain toddler with knees, put baby in a sling which I always keep under buggy and toddler gets strapped into buggy. I get that you might not want / need a buggy everywhere but if you've got a lightweight one you can pile all your kit in it and use it strap DS in if necessary.

Carry your kit in a rucksack, not a handbag or cross body bag which slips all over the place

Reins are a godsend. I don't think any child puts them on willingly at first but they soon forget they're wearing them. Reins backpacks are good.

Get a strap for the scooter so you can loop it over your shoulder.

Now forget about it and move on.

[RestingUnderTheSun]

Well the first car if front will see and wait. And the others behind that car will have to wait anyway?
I would be surprise that cars would have been able/tried to overtake with the OP still in the middle of the road.

[HandMini]

There are some slings you can fit a three year old in, like an Ergo on your back. Just like piggy back but safer and hands free.

[Eyesunderarock]

'Well the first car in front will see and wait'

Which is why I said van. Like the ones that frequently drive through amber and red lights round here. Too risky.

[bassingtonffrench]

i feel your pain.

I think some posters saying YABU don't realise you were on a pedestrian crossing AND you had only partially crossed the road.

Depending on how strong you both are, carrying a toddler through traffic can also be dangerous.

there are no easy solutions.

the woman was an arse.

[Lovecat]

It wasn't nice of the woman to shout that and having been in the position of being close to tears where DD at the same age had taken her scooter to the park then been 'too tired' to scoot back and refused to walk/move, I do feel your pain.

However. I threatened to dump her scooter, to the extent of putting it in the bin at one point. And if she hadn't immediately got back on it and behaved herself that scooter would have been left in the bin. DD's safety on the roads is more important than a scooter.

I am probably the mother from hell and have scarred her for life, but I have impressed on DD from a very early age that she MUST hold my hand when we are on the street and crossing roads/in a car park/wherever cars are around - and that if she doesn't A Car Will Hit Her And She Will End Up In Hospital Or DIE (in my defence she has dyspraxia and never pays attention to the traffic or looks where she's going, we have only just started doing crossing the (quiet) road on her own (with me shadowing) at age 8 and it's terrifying me to see her lack of attention...). It started from the earliest times she was let out of the pushchair - her freedom to walk around was conditional on holding my hand or the pushchair, and if she messed about she went straight back in the pushchair. Reins didn't work, but the threat of the pushchair did.

[DespicableYou]

"However, DS almost never walks along beside me holding my hand. Can you really enforce that?"

My 3 yr old hates holding hands, too. But if it's near traffic the rule is she either holds my hand, or I carry her (or she goes in the buggy if I have it with me).

We walk her sister to school every morning and we have this argument at every single road we cross, and have been having it since September.

I sympathise, as it's very wearing. But it is non negotiable.

[Embracethemuffintop]

I think that leaving him on the other side of the road was unsafe, and 'dragging him' as others have suggested would have been a bad decision too as that would have been disrespectful to him and destroyed his trust in you. What would have been better, and more respectful to him, would have been to press the button when HE was ready, that way not disturbing the traffic unnecessarily, and make walking across the road fun and joyful however you could. Scoop him up like an aeroplane, or run across the road like a race, anything that would make your child enjoy the experience. i would NEVER advise dragging him or leaving him but there are a heap of much happier alternatives in between those two extremes IMO

[DespicableYou]

I don't see how she could have scooped him up like an aeroplane when she had a scooter and bags to carry, to be fair embracethemuffintop.

And mine have always been taught not to go racing across roads so I wouldn't make them race to the other side either.

[juule]

"her freedom to walk around was conditional on holding my hand or the pushchair, and if she messed about she went straight back in the pushchair."

This worked pretty well for me, too. However, with multiple young children, reins also had their place. :)

[Eyesunderarock]

What a snugglesome, gentle and lovely idea Embrace.
Indeed, enchanting him from his tantrum with imaginative role play delights would have been a better choice.
But unfortunately it wasn't pixiedust and twinkly bubbles time, it was a knackered and over-heated pair attempting to get home and struggling.
Perhaps you've never been at the wanting to scream and flail stage yourself.

[juule]

"I don't see how she could have scooped him up like an aeroplane when she had a scooter and bags to carry, to be fair embracethemuffintop."

If she couldn't get everything and the child across a busy road, then she could have asked someone to help. Maybe someone could carry the scooter/bags while she carried her child. And then made sure she wasn't in that position again.
Or, if possible, hang bags on scooter, drag scooter across and carry child.

[cornypony]

unless the driver was intending to stop and help she should have kept her trap shut

[DespicableYou]

eyesunderarock

[Eyesunderarock]

Sorry, I can be a very woo parent on many occasions but I think the OP deserves sympathy for being at the end of her tether whilst recognising that what she actually did wasn't good.
I'm not woo when crossing roads, and my 18 and 22 year old have not had their trust destroyed by any sense. In fact, in stressful situations they still often have an expectation that I'll know what to do to keep them safe.
Apparently I am an earworm.

[thebody]

Eyesunderarock //😃

To be brutally honest my then 3 year old ds did run away from my hand holding once and put a toe in the road, I smacked his bottom hard, one and only time, and he never ever misbehaved by the road again!

[Eyesunderarock]

I've never smacked mine, or sworn in their company before they were around 16ish, and then only mildly.
They used to get a home-cooked from scratch meal every night, with preferences catered for. I have an art/craft cupboard to die for, and the garden is a delight and nature trail all in one.
I am cuddly and lovely, small children and their parents have wept bitter tears on finding their child not in my class.
But I have also been that exhausted woman with a 6 year old in meltdown on my shoulder and the community looking [shocked]

[thebody]

I told said 3 year old to fetch me a 'bloody large glass of wine' last night. In my defence he's now 23 and remember with fondness the smack.

[Mrsrobertduvall]

Eyesunderarock...great comment.

I am sorry but when you are crossing a road with a three year old behaviour is non negotiable...holding hands is imperative.

[5madthings]

My dd can do the meltdown not wanting to walk/scooter/be carried thing. But she either walks holding hands/with her back back or I carry her/put her back in the pushchair and sling scooter over top of pushchair etc.

Holding hands or wearing the back pack by the busy road is NOT negotiable at all. Either she does or she goes in the pushchair, this has resulted in her screaming the entire half an hour walk home from school, but she didn't get run over... Screaming tantrum v's child possibly run over, I will take the tantrum any day thanks.

As a passer by I would have been terrified to see a toddler near the road on their own, as another mother I would offer to help if I could tho is carry scooter/bags etc for you.