to be ashamed of being poor? BEWARE self pitying thread!

[PoorLittleNotRichGirl]

Just that really. So many people have so much more than me and their lives are so much better and mostly, so much less stressful.

I worry the DCs friends will look down on them if they knew where we lived and what little we have and yes, tbh that their parents will look down on me. Most of them live in the affluent area we used to live in and it is a completely different world.

We now live in a council flat (with the obligatory smelly stairwell and anti social neighbours), drive a 12 year old car (with the obligatory put, put, put exhaust and noisy suspension), have no decent clothes (me) that don't have bleach stains and that overwashed look, falling apart furniture nothing of any value, no jewellery, no money for even a weekend break, value food etc.

I have worked hard all my life. It took just a simple series of shitty events to lose every penny we ever had (and my mind) and end up in council accommodation. When people find out where we live, I feel like I have to explain how we ended up here to stop them thinking we are just feckless scroungers and beneath them. Should I have to do this?

We will probably never get back to living a comfortable life (and having had it, then losing it is harder than never having it at all, really). I constantly feel a deep sense of inferiority and shame and guilt (for the DCs).

It is just shit and I am dreading the school holidays. AIBU to feel full of self pity and constantly worry about what people think of me? Would you look down on me?

[PoorLittleNotRichGirl]

Thanks for all the replies and offers of stuff for the DC. I am in the South East (the main reason for the housing issue as we can't afford in excess of £1300 a month to private rent and can in no way save for a deposit for a mortgage). I really appreciate the offers but I can't accept. I hate the thought of people going to any trouble for me and find it very hard to accept help due to an abusive childhood which I have had therapy for (shelling out more £s).

The DCs are fine though and we cope. I have explained to the older ones the reasons our lifestyle has changed so dramatically, that we had some bad luck and lost all our money, and hopefully it will spur them on to work hard at school. DS1 has already told me that he's going to give me all his money when he makes his first million!

You know people saying there are other's worse off than me and you don't know what has happened in their lives, really frustrates me. I lost my father at a young age, had a shit upbringing (really emotionally abusive), was cast out by my stepfather and mother at 18, was raped, had a baby die at birth, then lost a business we had moved abroad to set up which was to be my dream and a new positive start. I had to have an abortion as well due to the financial meltdown we experienced and my fear that we could not provide for our existing DCs. Really deeply regretted now.

Surely I can feel sorry for myself for enduring all that and how I have now ended up? Too right I'm depressed. I would be abnormal if I was'nt!

I WAS a risktaker, a big one actually. Risks that would improve my family's standard of living though, not reckless. We had no idea DH would have a near fatal car crash just a few months after moving abroad so would not be able to work for almost 4 months, therefore losing the contracts he'd set up and that after that the house we had bought would not sell due to the housing crash.

I have nothing to lose now of course but it is difficult to find opportunities in my situation

I actually don't compare myself with people in Africa either. The vast majority of people in this country, do not consider themselves lucky to have clean water and a roof over their heads. Sorry if it's not something that gives me a thankful glow in my heart .

Ahh, we will be OK. The only way is UP, it's very hard getting through the days until the ascent starts though, I must say.

[PoorLittleNotRichGirl]

I have scrubbed the flat from top to bottom today though so I have achieved something and it is presentable and fresh, albeit shabby!

[JakeBullet]

I will read propeely through this thread later but I could have written your post three years ago OP. I know what you mean, it's hard to bring people to a flat which you have to reach via a smelly stairwell. I won't even go innto the drug dealing neighbour.

Alot of it though was about state of mind. Lime you I list everything and went from mortgage payer, good job etc to nothing. Massive mental breakdown to cap it all. The very last thing I wanted to do was bring any of my friends to thw fkat because I was ashamed of it. I felt it confirmed how far I had fallen and would be obvious to my friends and family.

In fact those that matter tend not to care. They see YOUand not rthe crappy flat. If its anything like the one I lived in then it was fabulous inside, really roomy and had a nice view. The exterior was horrible though.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

It does sound like life has thrown a bucket load of shit at you right now. But the skills and resillience that you had to go to another country and work will serve you well in the future.

You may just need a bit of time to recover from the relentless pressure you have been under before you are ready to find your way forward again. Be kind to yourself.

[Dahlen]

How long ago did all this happen? It sounds to me that you're still reeling from the succession of blows. And it's ok to feel shit after a run like that.

I've been poor. At one point so poor that I couldn't feed myself. Wearing 10 layers in the house and hiding under a duvet because I couldn't afford the heating. It sucks. Many people have had 'financial difficulties' in their lives, but unless you have experienced the relentless, energy-sapping and soul-destroying life of ongoing poverty, you really have no idea. Well-meaning people who tell you to be positive ("it will get better") or more proactive ("if you don't like your life change it" or "you can retrain and get a better paid job"), really add insult to injury, especially when you've just saved £200 to take that retraining course and then the car fails its MOT or the boiler packs up. Their words feel flippant and full of judgement - as if you were just more positive or worked harder it would all be alright and therefore it must all be your fault that you're in this mess. They might not mean that, but that's how it sounds.

I understand your pain OP.

I have come out the other side. I achieved it through bloody hard work and a lot of creative solutions to the obstacles presented to me. One of those was engaging the help of other single mothers to help out with childcare shortcomings, for example. Some of those single mothers came from - shock horror - council estates. IME those who have least give most. Those single mums were and are good people and TBH I would look down on anyone who looked down on them. You should only care for the opinions of others if they are worthy of it.

You're still suffering and not yet in a position to be able to change your life. Some people never are, oftentimes through no fault of their own (e.g. elderly parents to care for, a disabled child, etc). My heart bleeds for people like that. Life is most definitely not fair and there is no relationship between someone's 'worth' and their income. It's worth remembering that. You say you realise that what happened to you is a result of circumstance rather than personal failure, but do you really believe that in your gut? Sounds to me as though your subconscious has some way to catch up with your conscious mind. I rather think that you are struggling because you defined yourself by your lifestyle and now that's been taken away you are struggling. That's only natural but it's actually much more authentic to define yourself by character and personality and that's what carries you through the rough times.

Maybe when you've come to terms with your situation, and when the DC are a little older and you are less constrained, you will come up with some new plans to improve your life and you will rediscover your positivity, but if you want change, it is vital that you do. Have you ever noticed how people who are striving to overcome problems are often the same ones with the most positive outlook on life? Depression and negativity accompany acceptance of 'failure' and the absence of hope, which is where you ar now - without hope.

I hope that changes for you soon and you get a lucky break, but for now, take a look around where you live. You may well find that in among the drug-dealing scum and antisocial youths are many good and decent people who can relate to how you feel and are willing to help.

[frissonpink]

My partner constantly struggles with this - whereas I tend to look at it as, most people/families are only a couple of months away from being broke like us!

Like you, just took a couple of events to turn our lives from being good, to being ugh.

Can't see a way out at the minute. We're still short of meeting our monthly bills each month. Seriously need a lottery win!

Only really gets to me when ppl ask why DD 8 months doesn't go to baby classes etc. Honestly? Because we can't afford them. We can't afford to cloth her - all her clothes come from a lovely friend free who has an older daughter. Ditto with her toys. In fact, nothing she owns has been bought new and/or full price. That's the bit that really gets me down. Would love to be able to walk into even just Next and buy her a lovely new outfit.

But you only live once and you have to be positive. Hopefully our luck will turn around, and so will yours. Keep smiling :)

[ubik]

It's really hard, living in a flat with no outdoor space and shitty neighbours. No wonder you feel depressed.

You need a plan. You need to be doing something which could make a difference in a few years and help you out if this. Have you investigated studying? New qualifications?

Have you thought about moving out of the south east?

[HoneyStepMummy]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Nobody worth giving the time of day looks down on you. It sounds like you are having a really hard time with everything, especially where you are living.
First off, I think you sound like you might be depressed. Have you spoken to your GP?
Without trying to be patronizing you can look at the cup being half empty or half full, and you can tell yourself that so many have so much more, but some people have so much less...
There are many ways you have have free or cheap entertainment and stretch your money to make it go further. Have you looked at any of the threads in the Credit Crunch section?
Since it sounds like your new home is going to be your home for a while so try to make it as comfortable as possible. Paint is cheap or you could as around to see if any friends have some leftover. Jamjars filled with wild flowers or dried flowers are free. Learn how to sew and make pretty cushion covers from cheap fabric. Learn how to bake cheap and yummy goodies with the kids from scratch.
Do you work? Are there any courses you could take?
When I was really broke after divorce I always felt better when I looked nice. Blowdrying my hair really well and always having my nails done nicely (by myself of course!) didn't really cost anything but made the world of difference to how I felt.
If you don't like telling people where you live then don't. Just give them a vague or roundabout answer and leave it at that. Who cares about what other people think?

[Foxtrot26]

Tbh you need to realise you have the most important thing in the world

You have happy healthy children your house your possessions and your position on the social ladder are nothing.


But that said I'm in no position to preach

I recently convinced my wife to leave her job that she was deeply unhappy in and was making her depressed and return to being a sahm in the hope that this would make her a happier person. I now find myself having to work 100 hours a week trying to make ends meet all the while convincing my DW that everything is working out fine and that I thoroughly enjoy my work.

I made a rash call to try and improve our lot and its backfired in a big way were struggling financially and I can't even bring the subject up with her for fear of making her feel guilty about it.

[Foxtrot26]

Follow n to my previous post as I don't know how to edit it

I'm working my backside off ATM for what seems like no gain whatsoever.

No holidays house is like a building site as all the DIY is done myself as cash is tight and I have zero free time but you know something. I couldn't care less my SO and DC are happy and healthy and at the end of the day that is the most important thing n the world to me they might not have the latest and greatest gadgets or that foreign holiday to talk about but material things mean nothing


Concentrate on the important things like enjoying time with your kids it's the most important thing in the world and you need to realise that

[SaylorMoon]

Poor, well done on doing a clean up. I always feel better when my shabby little house is fresh. I try to do one good thing a day for the house. Sometimes that is straightening out a neglected cupboard or just taking a duster to all the high spaces. I can't do anything about getting a bigger more posh accommodation at this time, but I can surround myself with good smells. I try to make sure our one loo is always sparkling. Nothing depresses me more then a dirty kitchen or loo.
I know these things are simplistic but they go always toward helping me feel like I have control over my environment.

[DIYapprentice]

I'm sorry OP, it must be so hard. The sad fact is that most people socialise with those who are on similar income levels, simply because becoming friends means having shared experiences, and if you are spending money on those experiences and a friend isn't because they can't afford to, then the friendship doesn't develop.

Truly nice people will try to accommodate the fact that you don't have the money to spend, and be willing to do outings that are in your budget.

I know that I personally would be fine about taking it in turns with a friend to 'treat' each other to an outing. If you organised a trip to the park with the DC and prepared an inexpensive picnic (cause I'm generally too disorganised to prepare a picnic lunch!), then I would be more than happy to organise and buy tickets for another outing that was within my budget (not rich, but not too badly off). But sadly I've had friends that aren't comfortable with that, and so we spend less and less time together.

[Retrofairy]

Even before your most recent post OP I was feeling on your behalf about all the starving children in Africa/look on the bright side/pull yourself together type comments.

Its relative deprivation isn't it? - you make comparisons with what you see around you, not what you hear is happening on the other side of the world. Psychologically its very hard on you - to have taken a backwards step, and also to see first hand examples of people with much greater wealth. Its bound to get you down.

Unfortunately there are people who will judge you on where you live and how much money you have - I've seen it happen and its unpleasant but true. I think there will always be people who think you are in some way to blame for your situation - that if you just did x, y, z you could fix it (there's a bit of it on this thread to be honest)

I don't know what practical advice to give OP, apart from to say your feelings are completely normal and rational. You are clearly trying to do the absolute best you can for your children in difficult circumstances and I applaud you for not sinking in to apathy. My feeling is that someone who has coped with as much as you have will come through this.

[nkf]

I am so sorry to hear what you have been through. I hope things start to look up.

[JaquelineHyde]

Why do you think everyone is looking down on you and judging you?

Is that something you used to do when things were better for you? I only ask because you seem very paranoid about this and you usually find that the most paranoid people are only paranoid because they don't want to be treated the way they have previously treated others.

Also, this '(and having had it, then losing it is harder than never having it at all, really).' is the biggest pile of shite I have ever read. How can you possibly know this? Competitive misery stinks.

[ubik]

I do think people are being rather unkind. DP and I have been utterly skint at times and it really affects your mental health. It's so easy to feel negative and anxious when there's nowhere left to go.

[Cyclebump]

I could have written this post too OP. We are in a huge financial bind at the moment and it's is all-consuming and stressful.

You and I have nothing to be ashamed of and we don't need to justify ourselves, no one should have to.

It's ok to get down sometimes, I know I do. I try and plan something to get myself happier. I cycle and a long bike ride always helps (and it's free). Xx

[trackies]

OP, i live in a very affluent area. We are doing ok (have house etc) but alot of people around here have nannys/mansions/new cars/expensive holidays etc. and live like kings. There are a few who don't. No i wouldn't look down on you at all. Anyone with a shred of decency wouldn't look down on you for it. Your home does not reflect what's on the inside, and that's what counts. Anyone who judges you for it, isn't worth knowing.

[IfIonlyhadsomesleep]

I absolutely wouldn't look down on you but I might appear a bit crap and awkward through being embarrassed about what I have in comparison. I am ashamed to admit that I'm like that with a couple of mums at school. Not sure how to break the ice so I think I appeared frosty to start with. Truth is, I feel very uncomfortable with have it alls who don't know it and fear being like that.

[PoppyFleur]

My childhood was very poor but my parents gave my sister & I a fantastic childhood, they were loving & nurturing. They worked exceptionally hard & things improved but my sister and I remember having no food in the house until dad came home with his weekly pay. The hard times spurred us on, we did well academically & got good jobs but poverty never really leaves you. I work hard, I save furiously, I constantly budget. I'm not sure my husband understands my need to have a financial cushion but if you haven't really experienced hunger or seen your parents cry in despair, I'm not sure it's possible to understand.

OP your immense strength of character, your loving caring attitude towards your children will give them so much more than any material item. Life can be very tough & you have already endured so much but you are still fighting on. If you were a member of my family I would tell you what a great job you are doing and how proud I was of you.

[marriedinwhiteagain]

Wouldn't, as I have said look down on you for what you don't have and where you are OP but I would find your attitude a bit wearing.

Smile and the world smiles with you.

Poppyfleur my DH's parents were ppor as children. As adults they were a deputy head and chief engineer. DH and his sisters were hungry as children because mil put the money in the bank rather than on the table. When MIL's mum died she couldn't see her dad before the funeral because she couldn't afford the full fare from yorkshire to London. When FIL died we found out they had over a million in tjhe bank. Now that is a sad and miserable existence.

Northing wrong with hitting hard times and juggling everything wrong woth never forgtting and being utteerly dysfunctionallu mean.

[BeaLola]

OP and the other posters above who are in similar positions for you and hoping things get better.

My Dad always says money cannot buy you health and love and OP anyone worth anything in terms of genuineness would not look down on you. Your DC are sooooo lucky to have parents who love them and nurture them. My parents couldn't afford much as we grew up and yes at certain times during my school days I resented the fact that we had no tv, hand me downs, no holidays etc etc unlike my school friends who seemed to have it all - but do you know people envied me - I met by chance many years later the popular girl from the big house who had the latest clothes gadgets etc and she confessed that she wished her parents had come to school concerts like mine did, that her dad had played games in the park with her like mine had and wished her childhood had been happy but it wasnt - i was really taken aback.
Your son may just get that million , what a lovely thing for him to say and He meant it - I hope you get some good luck soon., and don't beat yourself up for wallowing - wallow and then just look at your DC and feel. Very proud of yourself

[JakeBullet]

"Smile and the world smiles with you" is good advice....but it is hard to smile and be carefree when you are worn down or feeling low. I know as I have been there too.

All I can say is that as I got better so did my ability to smile, hope it soon comes back for you as well OP. xx