to be ashamed of being poor? BEWARE self pitying thread!

[PoorLittleNotRichGirl]

Just that really. So many people have so much more than me and their lives are so much better and mostly, so much less stressful.

I worry the DCs friends will look down on them if they knew where we lived and what little we have and yes, tbh that their parents will look down on me. Most of them live in the affluent area we used to live in and it is a completely different world.

We now live in a council flat (with the obligatory smelly stairwell and anti social neighbours), drive a 12 year old car (with the obligatory put, put, put exhaust and noisy suspension), have no decent clothes (me) that don't have bleach stains and that overwashed look, falling apart furniture nothing of any value, no jewellery, no money for even a weekend break, value food etc.

I have worked hard all my life. It took just a simple series of shitty events to lose every penny we ever had (and my mind) and end up in council accommodation. When people find out where we live, I feel like I have to explain how we ended up here to stop them thinking we are just feckless scroungers and beneath them. Should I have to do this?

We will probably never get back to living a comfortable life (and having had it, then losing it is harder than never having it at all, really). I constantly feel a deep sense of inferiority and shame and guilt (for the DCs).

It is just shit and I am dreading the school holidays. AIBU to feel full of self pity and constantly worry about what people think of me? Would you look down on me?

[Butterflywgs]

Hugs PoorLittle.
Those of you telling her to 'just not wallow in self-pity, chin up' etc - unless you have similar experience to OP, do shut up.

[missmarplestmarymead]

I live in a big house, we have 2 cars and I have jewellery. we lost a lot of money a while ago and our income is nothing like it was. It doesn't look as we have money worries but we do.

I am sure that several of these people who live in the affluent area that you lived in have been feeling a bite so try not to think that outward appearances are all that they seem: it may be that they too are worried about finances in some way.

Your area does sound awful but never give up hope: it is a very long road that has no turning and things are more likely to get better than not in the long run.

No-one with a heart will judge you for where you live and if some short sighted people do then try your very best to remember that they are beneath your notice.

I sincerely hope that things begin to brighten for you very soon but do keep in mind that just because the lives of others may look good on the surface, it is no real indication that they are.

[imademarion]

I can't imagine anybody worth knowing would look down on you.

You do need to stop dwelling on the superficial ( where you live, what you lack) and start feeling real gratitude for what you have.

Children. Somewhere to live. Clean water. School. Internet access.

So many people in the world would swap places in a heartbeat.

There are lots of free/cheap things to do in the holidays, look online, in your library. It's up to you to teach your kids that you can be poor as church mice but your lives can be rich. Be resourceful and don't give in.

[greenbananas]

I think one of the hardest things about being poor is that gap between your own lifestyle and that of your neighbours. It is so hard to watch your children missing out on the things their friends are doing.

Where I live, almost everyone is completely skint (one of 10% most deprived neighbourhoods in Britain). By most mumsnet people's standards, we are poor and our children are technically growing up in poverty, but I am constantly counting our blessings because DH has a secure job, we have a roof over our heads, and enough money to feed our children (even though we don't have holidays, many new clothes etc.) Nobody looks down on anybody else for being poor, and lots of mums share money saving tips at the school gates (e.g. loo roll being on offer at Aldi )

I used to live in an affluent area, and I know how hard it can be to feel excluded. However, there's no shame in being poor - and we are still richer than so much of the world, what with free health care etc.

Bless you for how you feel and what you are going through. Hope things improve for you soon.

[Mimishimi]

I don't judge someone by where they live or really what they do( since circumstances can change in blink of an eye) but more by how they live. So if you lived in a council flat in a bad area that was as neat as a pin, spoke nicely with your kids and to others and were generally a good person, it wouldn't matter at all. If the same flat was littered with empty beer bottles, dirty washing all over the floor, dishes piled up everywhere and everything stank of cigarette smoke, then I'd probably be a bit less likely to befriend you. Similarly, some of the roughest people who make their livings by really dubious means, have all the 'trappings' and I'd equally not really want to have much to do with them.

[AHandfulOfDust]

I would never judge based on circumstances.

You seem to be very down on where you live now though, & seem to be judging yourself. It's quite likely there may actually be some pretty decent human beings in your area if you could get your head out of your ass.

The majority of people on this thread have been very kind to you & I'm not about to give you a pasting, but really, there's nothing wrong with an old car (people really don't look & those that do ain't worth shit) or living in council flat.

I had a couple of friends at school who's parents 'lost it all', it meant fuck all to our friendships.

I do find your talk of 'smelly stairwells & horrid neighbours' pretty hard to stomach & have to ask you where have you been living before this?

Were you in a bubble where this kind of shite only happens on the TV?

It's life & has been the only life for many, many people in this country for years & years & years.

I'm not asking you to be humble or happy & accept what you have, I would ask you to look around you though & stop being so proud. It will get you nowhere.

One thing though, all the people I've know who've gone from have-it-all to have-fuck-all have been risk takers, I'm guessing you did it before, you can do it again, we need risk takers, they make the leaps. Next time, try to take some of the people round you when you jump. They may just cushion your fall.

[Ghostsgowoooh]

Yanbu op, it is crap being poor. I wouldnt look down on you for being poor because I am poor

Seriously though op, I used to do all right for myself but in the last eight years ive hit rock bottom and now just getting out of it, I have adopted the attitude that if people are going to judge me by where I live or how much money I have then it says more about them than it does me.

Ahandfulofdust not everyone who goes from having everything to nothing is a risktaker. Nine years ago I in my mind had everything. My own house that I jointly owned, husband to be, decent car, a job,money, healthy children. Then my fiance buggered off with a girl who was just sixteen, I had to sell my house and I was made homeless.

Now 9 years later I am single with 4 dc, in a council house, another failed relationship and in tons of debt that both exs left me with. Ive had to cope with illness, bereavement and my ds was recently diagnosed with autism and ive had yo leave my job to care for him. I have gone from have it all to bugger all

[SaylorMoon]

YANBU. I have become downwardly mobile since my divorce. My older children knew what it is like to live in a grand house with swimming pool. They went on many fabulous vacations when their father and I were married.
I have since remarried a wonderful man and had a dd. My dh provides for all five of us on his salary of about 50,000 US dollars. Our house is very old, only one bathroom, and not in the best neighbourhood. I know my oldest children feel ashamed of where we live.
My dd has told me her friends do not like coming over to our home as it is "creepy" and "boring" :( This breaks my heart. I do my best to make our home comfortable. It is very clean and bright. We just do not have all the big screen tvs and other more expensive accessories. Our furniture is old and there is no chance to replace it at this time.
I try to keep chin up by reminding myself that we have a roof over our heads, we have enough to eat, and we all love each other. Hopefully, when our little miss goes off to kindergarten this Autumn I might find a part time job. Our situation is not desperate and it is not forever (I hope)
I feel for you though, we always want better for our children..

[SaylorMoon]

Btw..our auto keeps making this ominous rumbling noise when you push it over 50 mph..I compensate by cranking the radio up higher :) As money for the inevitable repair will have to be pulled out of a monkeys butt..

[Guerrillacrochet]

Hi OP
Sorry you're having such a difficult time. I certainly wouldn't judge you and as everyone else has said, I think that anyone who judges you on that basis isn't a friend worth having. Never explain, never apologise. Incidentally I know some incredibly wealthy posh people who wear old clothes and drive old bangers!
I also agree with the poster who thinks that there will be a lot of decent people on your estate who will be worth knowing- they may also keep their kids inside if there are some troublemakers that make it difficult to play outside. Is there a local community centre you could connect with? Maybe you could start a group? When you think you have nothing, give. You have so much to offer, please don't think your worth has a cash value attached to it.
How old are your kids? As mentioned the library is a fantastic resource and can take you anywhere- you could have projects to learn about different places, different times... get some books about Ancient Egypt, The Romans, mediaeval times- make masks and draw pictures. See if you can save a few quid to buy some arts and crafts stuff from the pound shop. Save cardboard boxes and loo rolls- ask for bigger ones at the supermarket and you can make all kinds of things.
There are millions of ideas for free activities on the internet- this resource looks great:
www.naturedetectives.org.uk/summer/start/
Re the value foods there is no shame in that at all. I like the decanting idea. If you haven't already, please look at this blog- Jack is an inspiration and has some brilliant ideas for food:
agirlcalledjack.com/
There are some brilliant thrifty threads on MN to give you other ideas to help your budget go further.
Wallowing is fine and understandable, but giving yourself a (nice) kick up the backside to look at it differently will make it more bearable.
I honestly don't think you being hard up in itself will damage your kids. If they have a mother who cares for them and will support them they will be fine. Please post more details as people might be be able to offer more specific support if they know more on your situation.

[learnasyougo]

Your unhappiness does not stem from being poor, it stems.from comparing yourself to others. If your friend were all as poor as you (or poorer) you wouldn't mind.

STOP COMPARING. Not only does this harm you, it's also an illusion. you are taking just a handful of things (income, nice things) to compare to your own circumstances, but you muatn't cherry pick what to compare:

that other reboot has a lovely house, new car BUT maybe she is crippled with self doubt, maybe he regrets having married, maybe the wife self harms, maybe the husband literally hadn't laughed in over two years.

Lives of others are messy and complicated, do you'll do yourself no favours in picking a few things here and there to compare to your own situation and ignoring the rest.

I might look at someone with fantastic legs (my envy-fodder) but then I think: what if she is desperately unhappy, abused by partners, has a terrible mother, can't get through a day without alcohol or any number of things that I'd rather her than me?

I'm also quite poor (pooree than all my friends by a fair margin) but I look at what I do have, not what I don't. it's the only way to stay sane.

I truly understand how you feel, though.

[Badvoc]

Comparison is he thief of joy.

[QueenofWhispers]

please, never say never. Things can always turn up.

Also, don't worry about the stuff you don't have.

I was born into a family with moneyand when I was about 5 my parents lost everything...every single thing. They didn't have social housing where I'm from, but we moved into some sort of subsidised housing associated with a religious institution. For my parentsit was tough; but to be honest I had the best childhood I think I could have ever had.

We had some very violent/rough neighbours, but they had some very imaginative kids and even though they were going through abusive situations, kids can be super resilient. I played capture the flag all night during summer vacation, I had adventures in the woods (both sound horribly unsafe to me now--but I loved my childhood). We found ways to make swimming pools and climb trees. We did everything we could have done to fight boredom and really enjoyed it.

Some of us (from this neighbourhood) have done okay, and others have fallen to the cycles of social help...but I could never look down on anyone. Money comes and money goes. How you treat life with or without money is up to you.

Only now do I realize how poor we really were--and I despite the hardship on my parents, I was really happy.

I know it's hard to be happy about the lack of funds sometimes, but it's not about clothes or holidays...it's about love and smiles everyday if you can spare it for yourself and your family. I promise you, people who would judge you for anything else are not worth the money they think they will have forever. x

[Dilidali]

I used to be dirt poor. I prefer not to remember the details, but I was very very poor. And depressed. And thenI hit rock bottom. I couldn't get any lower. I wouldn't judge you, I was you. And when you get that low there is only one way:up.
Cheesy, but I went and retrained, learnt to save and look for opportunities, worked ( and still do) very very hard.
I am not rich now. I am just wiser and never take anything for granted. By comparison to what I used to have/be I am doing quite well for myself. But I know fortune changes. Hugs.

[BratinghamPalace]

You must, must, must watch JK Rowling giving a commencement speach at Harvard in 2008. Get the children to watch it with you. She was you. She was where you are. She talks about the benefits of failure (I do not think of you as a failure but you do). Please watch it on you tube. It will give a little quiet buzz.

[sydlexic]

I have been poor and I have been rich, I was judged for both just by different people. Sadly many people judge anyone who is different to them either in education, financial status, colour or religion. The ones that aren't are the ones you want to know.

[greenbananas]

I re-read this thread and realised that it is not just the money... you are experiencing a kind of culture shock, having moved from a naice area into one with social problems (neighbours swearing at you, police outside your door etc.)

This is hard! It's so difficult not to judge your neighbours, and then of course they judge you for thinking you are better than them.

As others have said, there will be people on your estate that you want to be friends with - it's just a case of finding them.

[thefuturesnotourstosee]

Please don't feel like this OP. Your true friends will not care where you live or what you have. This is a lovely thread for the most part full of inspiration and good ideas for enjoying yourself on very little.

I used to know an elderly lady. She lived in the sort of house most of us would envy - 8 bedrooms, huge and palatial throughout with lovely furniture. She was very unhappy though and i could never understand why as obviously I assumed she has plenty of everything.

Later I discovered her husband had been a Lloyds name. He'd lost everything but it had been agreed that they could stay in the house until she died then everything would revert to pay off his debts - furniture, jewellery, the house EVERYTHING. This woman lived off a basic state pension with no other income. Most of her "friends" had stopped talking to her but there were a few who still loved her and supported her and they were her real friends. She wanted to move and she couldnt she was stuck in this huge house she couldn't afford to heat.

Until I knew that lady I admit I did judge a bit by appearances but since then I never have and never will. Everyone has a story.

[Filofax]

I would be really sad that someone would hold back from making friends with me or my children because they viewed we were better off financially. People will like you for who you are not what you have. That said I hope life becomes easier for you OP.

[noisytoys]

Don't be ashamed of being poor. I know for a fact we are only 1 pay cheque from being destitute, as are many others. I wouldn't judge you, you seem lovely and kind.

[bettycocker]

Sorry that you're feeling down OP. As you said, it just took a series of shitty events to end up in your current situation. Conversely, it could just take a series of positive events to get you out of your rut.

Do what you can to create these events and give yourself new options, whatever they may be.

Meanwhile, there are people who look down on people with less than them, but try not to care about them.

[roslet]

I'm sorry to hear you've had a stressful time, but I think you are worrying far too much about what other people think and how this will impact on your children. Two of my children's friends live in houses worth a couple of million, and at least two live in studio flats where the lounge is also the bedroom for child and parent. These four families all seem happy to me. A trip to the park should be every bit as fun as having your own garden. If your flat is reasonably clean inside then why would your be embarrassed to have people over? Keep your chin up, refuse to feel embarrassed, stop thinking about what you had and concentrate on what you still have. I am sure all will feel better soon.

[ovenbun]

a truth that may help a little..

IF YOU HAVE A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD (RENTED OR NOT) AND A CAR (HOWEVER OLD) YOU ARE IN THE RICHEST 5% OF THE WORLD.

I wouldn't look down on you for your circumstances, I would look up to you especially if you could make the best of things. There is a lot of fun to be had for free...especially in this amazing weather :)

Would you have looked down on people like yourself when you were in a better situation? If so thats something you have to come to terms with. Try to stop apologising for yourself...you're kind of saying 'this isn't really me honestly' good people will like you whatever your financial circumstance.

my grandad always used to say there are to ways, make the best of it, or feel the worst of it, you know which one will make you happy....it workd whichever situations youre in


ps i grew up 'poor' no telly, no car, second hand clothes, housing estate...very happy childhood :) xx