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AIBU?

Stag do/holiday

38 replies

BettyBoo246 · 18/06/2013 19:46

Hi all
My bf is best man next year at a wedding and he has been asked to sort out the stag do (also next year) the groom has insisted it's abroad for 3-4 days! So AIBU to think its really selfish of him to go? He's 25, this is our first baby, lo will be around 1 when he goes. I just feel he has responbilities and priorities now and how could he want to leave lo for that long already! Plus why the hell should he get a nice 'holiday' away from reality, we will both be parents and therefore both have an equal responsibility in looking after our child! AIBU?

OP posts:

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ParadiseChick · 19/06/2013 07:39

I don't think I ever referred to my new husband as my partner in real life. It's so middle aged/same sex. We were 23 when we got married, then he became my husband but boyfriend all the way before that. Didn't even like fiance, sounds a bit naff.

TotesAmazeGoats · 19/06/2013 00:11

"I think you should be more worried that he's your "BF" not your DH or even your DP"

Shit, after 6 years, one child, a new house and starting a business, I should really start to question my "BF's" commitment. How ridiculous.

In a years time OP, your PFB will be waking, talking and generally, in your eyes spouting rainbows and shooting stars everytime he/she looks at you. Your other half will be sad to leave you both behind but at the same time will be looking forward to some time with the lads and to be honest, you'll be so preocuupied with said PFB tht you wont even notice him gone. And don't forgot you'll both have a lovely wedding to look forward to.

Relax, and enjoy this time now while you can (I was you 12 months ago!!)

HooverFairy · 19/06/2013 00:10

At 35weeks with my PFB I would have reacted in exactly the same way BettyBoo; however, my PFB is 6 months old and I've found my feet. If DH went away for a few days, aside from missing him, we'd be fine and I'd love every minute of it being just me and our baby because it's not an opportunity I get ever. I used to think I'd be a wreck if I was ever left alone with the baby, but honestly, that goes away. YABU but not deliberately , go and put it right and tell him it's fine that he goes. Then explain that you're anxious - its perfectly normal to be. Unless its a money thing then no, YANBU, babies are expensive and your BF should be prioritising his spends.

Kiwiinkits · 18/06/2013 23:38

I think you should be more worried that he's your "BF" not your DH or even your DP. Perhaps your fears about his level of commitment is what's really behind this?

FredFredGeorge · 18/06/2013 22:26

I found no real extra cost in the first year, the lack of opportunity for a lot of expenditure offset the extras like nappies - but of course it depends on how you spend your money (if buggies off ebay are out and 1000 pound travel systems are in) But yes it may be an expensive trip and not reasonable to go.

But YABU for outlawing it already... and I would also suggest you rethink things on how much time away from the baby you both get even before this - time alone with the baby while you're out doing other things is very beneficial for the father, and I'm pretty sure the baby too. So stop thinking that everything outside the couple should stop, and start planning what you can do without the baby!

WorrySighWorrySigh · 18/06/2013 21:57

YANBU but not for the reasons you have given.

IMO a 3-4 day stag do abroad is a huge financial and time ask by the groom of his friends. Everybody's lives could have moved on massively in that time. What will happen if half the invited guests have dropped out by the time of the stag do? What usually seems to happen is that the rest of the guests have to suck up the price hike. You may well find that once the baby arrives your disposable income has been disposed of.

A few times I have come across the situation where the first person in a group to marry gets overexcited and commits the group to extravagances. These people then have cause to regret it when they are expected to return the favour for their friends and their own circumstances are much reduced.

Shutupanddrive · 18/06/2013 21:32

YABU, he is the best man, of course he should go

BlueberryHill · 18/06/2013 21:31

You will be a parent for life, 4 days away in that time isn't much. It is all new and will take a while to get used but you'll be fine a year in, I think you should wrangle in a weekend away next year as well. It is lovely going away and having time away from my children, but I do love coming back to loads of hugs and them all shouting mummy and running at me.

HighInterestRat · 18/06/2013 20:53

Make sure you also get a holiday somewhere with friends or alone or you will fall into the trap I did of DH getting a holiday with his friends every year and you never getting to go anywhere because you can't leave the children / they are too young to take with you without massive hassle / DH has never been left alone with them for longer than a night. My whole situation was a cringing debacle and so unfair.

BelaLugosisShed · 18/06/2013 20:52

FWIW, my DH was away for 6 months of DD's 1st year due to a little altercation called the gulf war - I still think going away for days for a stag holiday is unreasonable and selfish.

BettyBoo246 · 18/06/2013 20:49

Thanx everyone think it is fear of the unknown mostly and just needed to hear other ppl confirm I am being an emotional wreck atm and yes probably when lo is here my whole attitude will have changed and I'll have more important things to worry about! :)

OP posts:

SingingSilver · 18/06/2013 20:46

I totally understand your worries, but if I were you I'd let him book it, and put the issue to one side for a good few months. When I was 35 weeks pg I was stressing about everything and anything. You'll probably feel a bit differently once the birth is over and you've got used to being a Mum.

ParadiseChick · 18/06/2013 20:30

By ten months you'll both be experts and a lot more relaxed, don't worry about it.

NoRainNoRainbow · 18/06/2013 20:24

I was left alone for 4 weeks with a 8 week old due to a death in XHs family on the other side of the world.

You cope, you just do, by the time they are 1 you will be absolutely fine. This is a bit PFB. Let him book it, you can't stop him and if you give him grief about it he will just resent you. It's such a long time away you will feel completly differently when the time comes.

EverybodysStressyEyed · 18/06/2013 20:16

my dh is frequently out of the country for work, sometimes he stays an extra couple of days to meet up with friends.

I was left alone with toddler and 4 week old for a week! Personally, I couldn't have done it but I'm not going to begrudge him.

Also, by the time your baby is a year old you will be an old hand at this parenting malarkey.

Bambi27 · 18/06/2013 20:15

My husband went on a stag whilst I was pregnant and that was fine. I have to be honest and say if it was a random person I would sort of see your point but only really as my husband is self employed so holidays are expensive and precious...however he is best man of course he has to go!!!

BettyBoo246 · 18/06/2013 20:15

Yes my big problem is as this is our first i really don't know how I am going to feel in a years time? But the stag do us being booked in the next few weeks so think this is why I have gone off on one so badly!

OP posts:

BettyBoo246 · 18/06/2013 20:13

I'm 35 weeks atm, n yes it's the fact he'll be in another country for nearly a week! I know I could go away too but I really feel I wouldn't want to be another country so far away from our first child - maybe if it was like our 2nd or 3rd and I had some experience of how I would be feeling in a years time then it might be different!

OP posts:

cardibach · 18/06/2013 20:11

Really? The baby will be a year old and you think it will be too soon for one of you to be away for a few days? YABU

SanityClause · 18/06/2013 20:09

Am I right in saying your baby hasn't even been born yet?

I think you'll feel quite different when she or he is a year old, and will be perfectly fine with him going away. If you're worried about coping (closer to the time) get a relative or friend to come and stay while he's away, and have a lovely cosy weekend together, doing a few special things.

If the issue is money, then it would be reasonable to discuss this with him, but there is a year to budget.

NoRainNoRainbow · 18/06/2013 20:07

So your issue is him leaving the country? Are you jealous? Can you not arrange for a girls weekend away?

Is there more to this? How pregnant are you? Do you have family support? Friends with babies?

Bearbehind · 18/06/2013 20:07

I have split opinions on this.

On one hand I think you are being completey unreasonable in trying to stop him going out with his mates for a few nights in a years time but on the other hand, these Groomzillas who insist on going abroad for their stag dos at a cost equivalent to a family break piss me right off.

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Keztrel · 18/06/2013 20:07

I think its massively unreasonable to ask people to go abroad for hen/stag , unless its made vvv clear that the brides or grooms friends don't have to go if they don't want (but that never happens).

But bloody hell OP yabvu, are you putting yourself and bf under house arrest for a year after baby is born?

BettyBoo246 · 18/06/2013 20:04

Fwiw I wouldn't mind if it was for like a night away in this country! Like stag do's use to be!!

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 18/06/2013 20:04

Don't you think you can cope?

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