To just ignore DM until she shuts up?

[Idrinksquash]

An a regular but have name changed because I post way too much about my personal life on here. Pombears and squash are the work of the devil and such.

Bit of background, DM is very opinionated, always right and shouts until you cave in or run off crying. She has always had an 'I'm the parent and you're the child' mentality and has never really appreciated that I am an adult now. I have always felt incredibly responsible for her emotions, wanting to keep her happy etc, she had a very traumatic childhood and I feel sorry for her.

She has an uncontrollable temper in which all rationality goes out of the window, usually along with the possessions of whomever she is angry with. She kicked me out when I was 16, I'm now 23 with a professional career as a nurse.

Anyways, thanks if you're still reading! PFB is 10 weeks old. All throughout my pregnancy DM told me there was no point me trying to BF because she couldn't. No milk apparently. Well, with a lot of help from the HCP's DD is EBF. DM now admitted that she never tried, which is fine. I fully support anyone having a right to choose what they do with their own bodies.

However DM is constantly saying I should just get her on a bottle and get my life back, that my boobs are 'udders' and seeking reassurance that I won't be BF at 8 months etc (with any luck I will be).

She is also pressuring me to wean already giving loads of unwanted tips on purees etc and laughing at my plans of BLW. As well as insisting DD will choke and die.

I would smile and nod but it's just not enough for her. She always dismisses my plans and says 'you were FF and weaned at 2 months and you were fine'. I wasn't, I was a very sickly baby, child and adult. That may not have been due to anything she did but yesterday I ran out of patience and told her that. I reassured her that she just did what she thought was best at the time but that I didn't want to hear any more criticism because I was confident in my abilities to raise DD.

I didn't even go to antenatal classes because I didn't want any advice as to how to raise my child. DM knows this.


Anyways today she sends me a barrage of abuse on Facebook as to how I'm a terrible daughter, she spent all last night in tears because I think I'm so much better than her as a parent and I humiliate her etc.

I apologised that she felt offended but reiterated that I would not be discussing the upbringing of my child anymore. That wasn't acceptable and now I'm the worlds worst person and I'm gonna kill DD by co-sleeping. We don't cosleep

I ignored her messages and just kept saying I will talk to her when she has calmed down. But I can't shake te guilty feeling that she's upset and it's my fault. She won't talk to me for ages now, will tell DF it's all my fault and DD will miss out on seeing her GP's for ages.

AIBU to leave her this upset? This is the second time I've really stood my ground and it's awfully shaky.

[Idrinksquash]

Thanks for your support everyone, there's no-one aside from DP I can talk to about this in RL because I have such a no-nonsense front it's embarrassing!

She has messaged me again ( I have no idea why she's doing this on FB) this morning just saying "anyways enough of that, just respect me more and I'll respect you. By the way I bought your DD a pony".

WTF

[Idrinksquash]

And yeah bio dad has a reputation, and has never wanted anything to do with me unless it was to impress a new partner with what a lovely father he was.

However, I'm sure she gave as good as she got.

[mumaa]

YANBU!

Your mother probably expects a different reaction from you and therefore has gone off the scale because she is not getting that.

Stand your ground, she had her chance to be a mother and now its your turn. You have told her you will speak to her when she calms down, perhaps time to stew on it without you running to her side (which sounds as though it has been the case from a young age) will show her that things have changed and she need to also, i hope so!

[KellyElly]

She sounds toxic. Time to lay down some boundries for your own sanity. You have a child now, you don't need to be pandering to an overgrown one. I had to cut my mum out of my life for slightly different reasons but amounts to the same thing.

[WoTmania]

YANBU (well, maybe slightly to not have told her to FTFO). She sounds awful. You sound like you're doing brilliantly.

[mrsdrew]

Hi, I sympathise. My DM can be similar. I struggled for a long time to try to get her to understand me, why I was upset by some of the awful things she said etc and it was like hitting my head against a brick wall. It sounds ridiculous but what I have found useful is to treat her like a naughty child and when she says/does something upsetting I don't try to placate, debate, get angry or upset - I ignore it but show her I'm not happy by 'walking away' (literally or emotionally). If its by text I don't respond to nonsense or nastiness. If its on the phone or when I'm with her, I breezily say 'ok, I'm going now'. It means I get to keep calm (and sane!) and don't 'feed' her neediness or her behaviour. She does get the message that I thought she was out of order and if course she would NEVER apologise but she does then try to be a bit more careful about what she says the next time. After years of battles, our relationship is improving. I'm sure some people will say that nothing gets resolved but years of trying (and I'm trained in various psychological therapies!) just led to arguments and accusations eg I am selfish and don't care about her, I am punishing her for the past, how could I treat her like this etc etc so I have essentially taken a 'behavioral approach' and it works for me. Good luck xx

[Hissy]

One suggestion.

Delete her from FB.

Seriously.

It's the only way you will be taken seriously.

[Aetae]

Don't feel guilty. She's an adult, and in any case nothing you did was in any way a problem - all you did was assert your right to bring up your own daughter the way you see fit. It's not about you, it's about her. You just need to let her be - if she wants to have stroppy childish tantrums then it's her own choice, it's not your fault.

Anyway, guilt is a very unhelpful emotion, all it does is make you feel bad. If you can, channel it into anger (at how she's trying to manipulate you) or sadness (at how your relationship could be better if she didn't insist on taking things the wrong way) - at least anger and sadness can be channelled into action to inspire you to change things.

[Hissy]

Oh btw, respect is not something you ASK for, or trade in return.

You EARN it.

You mother has precious little right to it tbh. She lost that by slinging you out!

.. AND the rest.


Côme join us on Stately Homes, you'll get so much out of it, I promise!

[ceebie]

I've read OP's post but not all the replies, apologies. Your DM seems like a very insecure person who craves reassurances that she did/is doing the right things. She wants you to FF and wean early to prove that her choices were the right ones (ignoring the reality that what was right then and what's right now are very different, not to mention that different choices doesn't make one right and one wrong). It's all very messed up and nothing that you can help with. She could probably benefit from some form of therapy or counselling but proabably won't. You have to accept that your immediate family is your priority, and let go of managing her emotions. You sound like a very sensible and well-grounded person despite your DM!