Double standards over sexual partners...

[LarvalFormOfOddSock]

AIBU to wonder why when a man has a lot of sexual partners it's considered to be ok and "just sowing his oats" but if a woman has a lot she's thought to be "a skank"?

I was having this conversation the other day down the pub with a group of friends. It arose because of a news article and a mate commenting that the woman in question "deserved an STD because she's a slag". It made me wonder.

If everyone's an adult and it's all consensual and everyone's taking precautions, then what's the problem? Sex is fun. Sex is pleasurable. What IS the problem in having a different partner every night if that's what you want and that's what everyone involved wants? And why is it more OK for men?

A man having multiple partners wouldn't attract such general vitriol. I'm just glad my "mates" don't know my history to be honest.

[headinhands]

There are no derogatory terms for a man who has had many sexual partners, it's a historical cultural thing and it's still alive and kicking, women are as guilty of harbouring such outdated standards as men and use such labels as a form of social control and punishment on their peers. It's one of my red buttons I'm afraid.

[MrsTaraPlumbing]

Such old fashioned views.
I wouldn't want to hang out with these women too much.
It may be that there are just 1 or 2 dominant vocal people with these views and others don't agree but don't feel they want to voice a different opinion.
And personally I am of the opinion that having lots of different sexual partners in life is a good thing (if you want to) and perfectly natural.

[simplesusan]

I don't have thse view and don't tend to have friends who do either.

Outdated and irrational.

[Livinglavidafoca]

Your friend made an awful comment. Even if you judge people who have nsa sex, you don't say something so nasty. You need new friends.

[BigBlockSingsong]

Has no-one on here heard the term manwhore, player, manslag, etc I'm sure there's more.

OneHandFlapping you make a great point.

[TurnipCake]

Terms like manwhore and manslag only have man as a prefix to a word used to describe women in a derogatory way. I've heard women use player as a negative, among men it's a positive descriptive word, in my experience.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

"many women use sex as a weapon"

[BigBlockSingsong]

How can sex be used as a weapon out of interest?

when was bumping uglies akin to an act of war?

[chocoluvva]

Ryan your theory of evolutionary advantage is wrong not only for the reasons explained by other posters, but also because there is no evolutionary advantage in having offspring that don't survive. It is an evolutionary advantage to have the father protecting and nurturing the mother of his offspring to increase the chances of it surviving into adulthood and procreating.

[ryanboy]

Chocoluvva mrsterrypratchett ratratrat et al
I disgarre .Your arguments are illogical.A woman can produce no mare than one baby a year (usually )no matter how many partners she shags.
.A woman must therefore be very selective in choosing partners to get the best possible father for her offspring.A man can father a thousand babies a year and therefore it really doesn't matter too much who the mother is, because if a better partner comes along he can inseminate her.I am of course talking purely in evolutionary terms !!
(PS I am a woman 'Ryan' is my child's name!)

[chocoluvva]

But still talking in evolutionary terms, the offspring are more likely to survive if the father is taking an interest after conception (and birth).

[PolkadotsAndMoonbeams]

It depends though.

In species where fathers play no part in taking care of the young, then males= promiscuous, females=choosy does give the best outcome (for example lekking species, or where males and females meet only to mate).

In more social groups, where fathers do give input then they have a reason to not let the females stray and females have a reason to keep tighter hold of their male. However, copulating with more females would still increase the male's fitness and by choosing a 'better' man females still increase theirs.

So what often happens is mate-guarding behaviour occurs, or couples are 'socially monogamous' but both sexes look for extra-pair copulations.

[ryanboy]

but where a man has multiple wives that argument is negated

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Multiple wives appears to be a post fixed agriculture construct rather than an evolutionary norm. In very broad terms, the larger the male compared to female (and some bollocks size issues I won't bore you with) the more a harem is likely. Men and women are very close in size in animal terms so unlikely to be a big factor. Elephant seals for example have a male massively larger than the female and have harems.

[PolkadotsAndMoonbeams]

Yep, monogamy's really quite unusual. It occurs in less than 3% of mammals (I was really surprised when I learned that). There are five 'reasons' when it happens. If:

1. Male parental care is necessary for offspring survival
   
2. Pairing with an unmated male is better than mating with an already mated male.
   
3. Males can be most successful by defending access to one female
   
4. Males are less successful if they have more mates
   
5. Aggression from the female prevents the male mating with another female.
   

It's interesting stuff. One of the facts I love is that marmosets are monogamous- they often have fraternal twins, so need both parents to care for them

[Pendeen]

Anna1976

That is an excellent piece of writing in answer to the question posed by the OP:

"What IS the problem in having a different partner every night if that's what you want..."

I would agree with the sentiments expressed by many here however that it is entirely wrong for men as well as women.

[Darkesteyes]

Many men use sex as a weapon. There are many women in sexless marriages where its the husbands choice not to be intimate. This can go on for years and then when the woman has an affair after YEARS of no sex or affection she is slut shamed.

[BigBlockSingsong]

Tbf Darkesteyes, I don't even think thats a reason to cheat, I think the woman's part in that situation is to man up and leave.

[Darkesteyes]

bump.

[Darkesteyes]

Ive said it before and i will say it again.

"forsaking all others is not the only marriage vow that is taken.
So is "with my body i thee worship"

[Darkesteyes]

Found this comment on another site.
It pretty much hits the nail on the head about double standards with sexual partners AND the double standards in sexless marriages.


checked out of their marriage.?

And if they don?t (discuss it)? What then? What about the deer in the headlight stare or the ?I?ll do better, I promise.? (and nothing materializes) What if it was a ploy all along to give the other spouse what they wanted while dating, got hooks planted, popped out a kid or two?and then dared you to do something about it (whether consciously or subconsciously)?

I personally know a woman who is doing that right now?she is daring her husband to do something about her withholding. She knows the embarrassment of a divorce, how horribly it would effect their daughter, how he doesn?t want to spend even 5 minutes away from his daughter (as in shared custody) or upset her life?and the wife uses it. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT Now what does he do? Explain to his 5 year old daughter ?Sorry, sweetheart, but Daddy didn?t get married so that he can sleep on the futon, so I have to break up our family.? She acknowledges it?she told him ?You signed the contract, buddy. For better or for worse. You?re sticking to it.?

Now, this statement above is interesting. Sexlessness and the inability/unwillingness to talk about it. Not everyone is raised to talk things out. Not everyone at 22 years old thinks about how it?s gonna be when you?re 47. ?So, potential mate?we?re having trouble with sex in 20 years?.tell me in 500 words or less how we?re going to work this out?? Is this something you?ve done while dating someone? Really? I?m sorry, but I must have been a mentally challenged 22 year old for not thinking like that while I was dating my husband.

So?.would it be fair to say that perhaps a man who has been denied because his wife was one way when they were dating, and once she got to her goal?.did this whole denial thing, but he loves her and took his vows seriously?he wants to stay in the marriage because they have kids or they have a lot of history?..so what?.so now he going to be called a douchebag (or she a whore if it?s the woman suffering from his withholding)?because they want out?

I don?t see that as fair. I didn?t say cheat. I do call bs on this whole ?well, if you ain?t gettin? what ya need, then just walk and it?s okay.? Yes, it?s more honest, but have you ever heard anyone say?.?Well, I really admire that guy/gal?.they weren?t getting what they needed and they just walked away clean from a wife/husband of 20 years and 4 kids.? No. That just doesn?t wash.

[Darkesteyes]

than him?

Reply
. Abby March 28, 2013 at 8:00 am

?If one person is deeply miserable about this, and it?s not a mutual, agreed upon sexlessness ? I think it?s incumbent upon the other spouse to address the issue and not withdraw further. If someone is not having sex with you, and they won?t discuss it, or work on it, and they withhold? I think that is form of emotional abuse. It?s a kind of infidelity ? they?ve checked out of their marriage.?

And if they don?t (discuss it)? What then? What about the deer in the headlight stare or the ?I?ll do better, I promise.? (and nothing materializes) What if it was a ploy all along to give the other spouse what they wanted while dating, got hooks planted, popped out a kid or two?and then dared you to do something about it (whether consciously or subconsciously)?

I personally know a woman who is doing that right now?she is daring her husband to do something about her withholding. She knows the embarrassment of a divorce, how horribly it would effect their daughter, how he doesn?t want to spend even 5 minutes away from his daughter (as in shared custody) or upset her life?and the wife uses it. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT Now what does he do? Explain to his 5 year old daughter ?Sorry, sweetheart, but Daddy didn?t get married so that he can sleep on the futon, so I have to break up our family.? She acknowledges it?she told him ?You signed the contract, buddy. For better or for worse. You?re sticking to it.?

Now, this statement above is interesting. Sexlessness and the inability/unwillingness to talk about it. Not everyone is raised to talk things out. Not everyone at 22 years old thinks about how it?s gonna be when you?re 47. ?So, potential mate?we?re having trouble with sex in 20 years?.tell me in 500 words or less how we?re going to work this out?? Is this something you?ve done while dating someone? Really? I?m sorry, but I must have been a mentally challenged 22 year old for not thinking like that while I was dating my husband.

So?.would it be fair to say that perhaps a man who has been denied because his wife was one way when they were dating, and once she got to her goal?.did this whole denial thing, but he loves her and took his vows seriously?he wants to stay in the marriage because they have kids or they have a lot of history?..so what?.so now he going to be called a douchebag (or she a whore if it?s the woman suffering from his withholding)?because they want out?

I don?t see that as fair. I didn?t say cheat. I do call bs on this whole ?well, if you ain?t gettin? what ya need, then just walk and it?s okay.? Yes, it?s more honest, but have you ever heard anyone say?.?Well, I really admire that guy/gal?.they weren?t getting what they needed and they just walked away clean from a wife/husband of 20 years and 4 kids.? No. That just doesn?t wash.

[worldgonecrazy]

"forsaking all others is not the only marriage vow that is taken.
So is "with my body i thee worship"

I didn't say eiterh of those things during my marriage vows.

[BigBlockSingsong]

You sort of made my point darksteyes, so a sexless marriage is essentially one person breaking vows, so therefore the marriage would be over to me and I would leave.