Double standards over sexual partners...

[LarvalFormOfOddSock]

AIBU to wonder why when a man has a lot of sexual partners it's considered to be ok and "just sowing his oats" but if a woman has a lot she's thought to be "a skank"?

I was having this conversation the other day down the pub with a group of friends. It arose because of a news article and a mate commenting that the woman in question "deserved an STD because she's a slag". It made me wonder.

If everyone's an adult and it's all consensual and everyone's taking precautions, then what's the problem? Sex is fun. Sex is pleasurable. What IS the problem in having a different partner every night if that's what you want and that's what everyone involved wants? And why is it more OK for men?

A man having multiple partners wouldn't attract such general vitriol. I'm just glad my "mates" don't know my history to be honest.

[CuppaSarah]

I know a lot of women who would think if a man slept around lots he would deserve an STD. I don't think there's a double standard at all. If you don't like the idea of people sleeping around then it doesn't matter if it's men or women, you just don't like it.

Have none of you ever called anyone a man-slut before?

[grumpyinthemorning]

Can't copy and paste links as on my phone, but there are studies that show that promiscuity in women is an evolutionary advantage. More partners=strongest sperm wins=stronger offspring. Some primates would kill offspring that aren't their own, so multiple partners confuses the issue and all offspring survive. There's a good chance humans did this too.

Personally, I think who a man or woman chooses as a sexual partner, and how many partners they choose, is nobody's business but their own.

[LarvalFormOfOddSock]

Anna, I think a long-term NSA is very different from a one night stand and do agree that if you are sleeping with the same person regularly then it's hard not to become emotionally attached. But as others have attested, I do think it's perfectly possible to have NSA sex and no-one get hurt.

And StuntGirl, of course I pulled the person up on it and questioned their attitude. Particluarly since the person in question likes to pretend she's one of those "blokey gals who's up for a laugh" and "so liberated, I can have a shaved head and facial piercings and no-one should judge me" type. Yet she felt free to judge a young girl who she knows almost nothing about other than her sexual preferences.

And Chattychattyboomba points out another example of how ingrained this type of thinking is IMO. I do hope it IS becoming less prevalent.

[LarvalFormOfOddSock]

Oh and I remember reading that too Grumpy. Interesting.

[ChunkyChicken]

I think I probably judge both sexes equally, or try to. However, I try not to judge too harshly and wouldn't make the sort of comment your 'friend' did.

For me, the lack of any committed relationship/long term emotional engagement for a man or woman is worse than the literal 'magic number'. I'm in my 30s, "enjoyed" my time at uni & so on, & so did my DH, but we've both settled down and I wouldn't consider that kind of thing now, esp with 2dc. But our individual number of conquests may appear large to others iyswim. However, getting to 3+ figures, especially if the person in question was in their 20s/30s seems a bit excessive IMO.

[JessicaBeatriceFletcher]

Sigh. Part of me would love to have been even just into double figures... 39 and 4 partners seems pretty bloody poor, looking back!

[MrsTerryPratchett]

ryanboy very old-fashioned evolutionary genetics, I'm afraid. We have known for decades some time that there is indeed evolutionary advantage in varied shagging for women. So, build the nest with the nice bluebird, have procreative sex with the biggest brightest bluebird (at the same time of course) because then you will have the nicest nest AND the strongest offspring. Women cheat more and find beefy/athletic types more attractive when they are ovulating. Same principle. The strongest sperm thing as well.

We have concealed ovulation so that WE don't know when/if we will get knocked up. Meanwhile our pesky genes are trying to get the best advantage. Having said that, eggs are expensive, sperm are cheap so women will sleep around but evolution dictates they should be a little 'fussier' with regard to the males' physique/intelligence/attractiveness. So, ladies, have lots of sex but only with attractive, intelligent and successful men. OK?

[worldgonecrazy]

Personally, I think who a man or woman chooses as a sexual partner, and how many partners they choose, is nobody's business but their own.

This with knobs on.

[RatRatRat]

Glad somebody corrected the bollocks evolutionary theory that men have been tiredly spouting for (what feels like) generations.

Sorry Ryan

[HumilityYetStrength]

I don't know who to feel more sorry for - your friends for having to live with themselves, or you for being confined to their company. I don't sleep around because I think it's destructive. Nor do I subsist wholly on takeaways, as I value my health.Do your friends not pity smokers dying of lung cancer? I do. They may be responsible for their illness, but there but for the grace of God go I. Both sexes who self destruct need our compassion imo.

[WafflyVersatile]

I think humility might be a misnomer. Im not sure anyone wants your smug pity.

[BigBlockSingsong]

I dont agree with double standards at all,

If someone has got around a lot, its their own business.

If I found out my DP had got around depending on the no. and circumstances I would be a bit and asking for an STI test.
I do wonder rightly or wrongly if promiscuous people find it harder to remain faithful than people who are more sexually normal or reserved.

[OneHandFlapping]

I think there is a number of sexual partners that's too many. I'm not sure what that number is, but it's the same number for men and women.

You shouldn't be using your partners as disposable wank toys on a regular basis - a few youthful indiscretions excluded .

[Snapespeare]

I caught herpes from the father of my three children. We were in what I thought to be a monogamous relationship. That doesn't make me a skank...and I can categorically state that no one deserves an STD.

[Iamsparklyknickers]

I think things are changing albeit slowly.

I remember this being a topic discussed at school (a frightenly long time ago now I think about it - urgh). I think the kind of people who are ok with loads of sexual partners are the kind who don't particularly look down on people who do it aswell. It's very much tied to your own sexual morals.

I would think nothing of someone having a couple of one night stands in their history because it compares to mine - however it's not a lifestyle I would choose and I find it very hard to understand what people get out of it long term- male or female. That's just because sex outside of anything deeper doesn't hold much appeal for me, I attach a lot of emotion to it and have tended to go for partners who do too.

I would judge someone who took no responsibility for their sexual health but was promiscious - it inspires the same kind of distain I have for drink drivers

[BreasticlesNTesticles]

But why is there any number of partners that is too many?!

There may be a number that's too much for you but that is only your business.

I have no idea how many women DH has slept with, we've never asked each other. Why does it matter? I only care if he slept with anyone after he met me.

[Iamsparklyknickers]

Breasticles (), I would class knowing my partners sexual history, including how often he had himself checked up on as my right to protect my own health.

Fair point it only takes once to catch something nasty, but if I had a partner who had had 100 ONS and never had a check up I would either not touch him till he'd been checked out, or in the more likely case I'd already explored his skills (because I'm not perfect) be down the clinic myself like the clappers.

Like it or not certain behaviours do put you at higher risks for some diseases and even if you've settled into a longer relationship it doesn't magically cure any diseases. You're basically sleeping with everybody that person has ever slept with in germ terms.

[OneHandFlapping]

There's a number that's too many - in my opinion, because above that number you are demonstrating that you use other people for your personal gratification, without bothering overmuch to engage with them as people.


For example, I would judge someone if I knew they'd had over 200 partners. I would think they were an indiscriminate use of other people. And I'd wonder what other areas of their life they were users in. And I wouldn't want to sleep with a man who had slep with that many women.

[BreasticlesNTesticles]

Me and DH both had regular check ups, and we've been married 10 years so if something cropped up now I'd be a little suspicious

But I don't need to know how many people he slept with. I know about his past relationships. By the same token he doesn't know about a particularly wild night in Magaluf , why would he? He doesn't need to know everything about my previous sex life.

He practised safe sex, so did I. The only thing I have ever caught was a coldsore from kissing someone ironically!

[BreasticlesNTesticles]

But anyway I agree that if you do think promiscious behaviour is not good, then it is bizarre to only hold that view about women. No rationale behind it at all imo.

[HollyBerryBush]

it harks back to women needing to be 'chaste and pure'

The origins are so you know who the father is. But we've moved on from medieval times - you can have a DNA test instead

[Remotecontrolduck]

Personally I don't like sleeping around in either gender, and would be put of by a man who had had a large number of sexual partners.

I don't care however how other people live their lives when it comes to this, if they want to have 100s by the age of 30 that's up to them, however I wouldn't want a relationship with them.

[Lara2]

What's tragic is we are still having the same debate that was going on when I was a teenager - I'm 50. :(

[Darkesteyes]

Agree Lara. The fact that we are having the debate at all speaks volumes in itself.

[cory]

I don't actually care very much about how many sexual partners other people have. But I do think those of us who have sons have a very heavy responsibility not to let them grow up with double standards or casually sexist attitudes. Actually, that goes for our daughters too.

And I know someone who caught herpes while still a virgin. Suspected culprit: her mother's coldsore.