To wonder if this hurdle with my son and his dad not switching on are a symptom of the same thing?

[TwinkleTits]

This is an example of a conversation I had with my 6.4 year old son last night.
Me-"DS, your bath is ready. go up stairs, get undressed. Pants and socks in the wash. Uniform over the stair gate. Ok, I will go through it again. Uniform off, pants and socks in the wash, uniform on stair gate. Now, what is it I need you to do?
DS- "erm, take my uniform off.. Erm... Errr
Me - Ok, uniform off. Pants, socks in wash. Uniform on stair gate.
DS - repeats it back and goes upstairs.

I leave it 5-6 mins, and shout up are you in the bath? He says no. I go up and hes sat on his bed, fully clothed playing. I asked why he wasnt undressed. He said he didnt know what I meant. I asked what he didnt understand about taking his uniform off and putting his pants and socks im the wash? He said he thought I meant tomorrow.

He was looking at me worried, (I think he was worried I was going to get cross) wide- eyed and genuinely confused.

We have these conversations day in day out.

Even simple 3 word tasks get the same results. I switch off the tv, make sure I speak slowly and clearly, and he is looking at me and repeats it back.

This is a child that gets on well at school, has absolutely no SN, and no sing of them. I know for a fact this is not the cause.

Now his dad . I will hear my youngest son ask him a question up to 10 times in a row and his dad simply doesnt switch on and hear it. He locks onto something, the TV, a book or his phone he literally cannot unswitch and hear his son. Ive had to tell DS1 to stand in front of the tv to get his attention. His dad is not hard of hearing and he appologises to him for not noticing. He can be a pillock but hes not ignorant and would never deliberately ignore his son.

Its causing arguments now though because I will be upstairs getting showered and dressed and I can hear 2yo ds2 saying mummy over and over again, but his dad not answering him. No one answering him. When I confront his dad about it, he says he only just started asking for me 1 second ago. Except I was stood at the top of the stairs listening for ages waiting for him to be answered, his dad just thinks Im using it as an excuse to nag him and genuinely believes he 'only just started asking for you.' Asking for mummy 12 times in a row is not just a second.

He literally cannot switch on his brain to register his son talking. He'll be sat on his lap and say "Daddy look." Over and over again and he doesnt notice,

It drives me nuts.

Wise worse, PLEASE.

[TwinkleTits]

Aldi, yes that makes much more sense, and good advice thank you!

With regards to the Aspergers thing, all of a sudden I seem to be opening my eyes to some very obvious behaviours that my son does that could be linked, this morning I didnt think for a split second that they may be related. Now I feel as though there has been some sort of revelation.

I have been questioning, reading books on and stewing over certain different areas with DS. We discuss them on a weekly basis and try and figure out ways round them, what we are doing wrong.

Its now dawning on me that every, single one of them is linked.

I just read a description of an aspergers tantrum and it described our sons weekly tantrum to a T. The 'acting in' followed by the 'acting out' the 'recuperation' in which is typical they have no memory of the tantrum. I always found it odd that DS looked genuinely blank when I asked him what the tantrum was about, he's never had a memory of them. He loks genuinely surprised that I mentioned any tantrum. Or can this be normal for any childs tantrum?

He is my eldest so I have nothing to compare to.

[TwinkleTits]

Also, WRT to the instructions being top long, I totally agree. It was. In fact, thats what I put it down to.

But this morning I gave him an instruction to do one thing which consisted of four words, and still it didnt compute. It was that that made me throw my hands in the air and ask on here, because I realised he's 6 and a half and hes always been this way, and wondered when it might improve.

[WilsonFrickett]

If he is coping at school (and many children with ASD-type disorders do cope better at school than anywhere else) then no, school won't necessarily flag it up. If my DS hadn't had his diagnosis pre-school there is no way they would have picked it up, because he is very quiet and compliant.

The SN boards here are a good place to start. And pleased to hear you have a good GP. Have school flagged any issues at all?

[Grammaticus]

I don't think jux was being mean either

[TwinkleTits]

Ok sorry if I was being over sensitive. Its very likely at the moment.

[Jux]

Twinkletits, I am really sorry. I didn't intend to be mean, I was using exaggeration to try to put across what I meant but got it wrong.

My friend's dh is a nuclear physicist, and he is like this. When you get his attention you find he is completely immersed in some weird mathematical problem, and the house could be on fire and he wouldn't notice. They don't have children so it doesn't matter so much.

I put it really badly.

[JackieTheFart]

How is your DH when you ask him something?

[FrivolousCake]

Wow, sorry for the hijack, I just want to thank the poster who mentioned auditory processing disorder - I'd never heard of it before but it explains so much!

I've always felt very rude because I sometimes can't focus on what is said to me even though I've "heard" it, struggle on the phone and couldn't concentrate in lessons/lectures. People just assume that I'm not paying attention.

I wish I'd known about this at School, it might have avoided some embarrassing situations

Twinkletits - I know I drove my Mum to despair when I was little and I'd forget what I was doing halfway through, so I admire your patience You're doing a great job finding help for your DS!

[TwinkleTits]

No worries Jux, Im taking things to heart far too much at the moment, no need to appologise.

You could be right to some extent though, because if there are issues at work or something is pressing - say for example as soon as the kids are in bed he has to go to a clients house and talk numbers then it will be a lot worse. Im more forgiving then, because Im the same when I have things on my mind but Im a snapper "What now?!" Then a person that shuts it out.

Jackie, I cant be compared to the kids as I make myself heard from the off. seriously though, the way they approach him and the way I begin a conversation are very different.

He occasionally complains of me 'talking at' him though. the swine.

[TwinkleTits]

Im going to post a list of the things Ive flagged up in my head on the SN forum. Thanks so much for your help everyone.

I almost want a label because then we could actually make life for everyone so, so much easier. Honestly, life can be miserable here with the tantrums and everything its a constant battle. At least of there was a reason we could work with him and not against it which is what we may have been doing if he has it.

And, at the end of the day, he he does have something then he will just grow out of it one day.

[TwinkleTits]

*if he doesnt have something

[WilsonFrickett]

I will look out for your thread on SN Op but will reiterate what I said in my very first post on this thread. Just because I wish - oh how I wish - someone had said it to me. It took us two years to get a dx you see, and because my DS is very borderline (and the first time I googled his symptoms I actually shat myself and didn't go near the internet again) I didn't really do anything in this time, except for struggling on.

If you suspect your child has any kind of additional needs, start to treat them as if they do. Read up, try the techniques, approach it like you're a detective - 'he does this, but what if I do that...'. It will not do your DS any harm, you don't need to talk to anyone about it. But in the meantime you could actually find the key to some of his behaviours. You don't need a dx to give you 'permission'.

I'm geniunely not trying to dx over the internet or to freak you out. I just wish someone had told me, that's all.

[wonderingagain]

Twinkle the way you describe his behaviour with the jumping on childrens backs and laughing right in their face in an eager to please attention seeking manner, the blankness when being told of what they have done describes my friend's AS kid to a tee. What's awful is that to the untrained eye it really does just seem like bad behaviour with an element of sneakiness and denial. I'm hoping for you now that you get an assessment done.

[TwinkleTits]

Thank you Wilson, you've said similar to what his Dad and I have been discussing. At the end of the day, even if he has nothing, we may well (In fact I know we will) pick up tips to manage his behaviour along the way.

I feel actual relief that we may be able to handle (prevent!) his tantrums, which we havent succeeded in before now.

[hettie]

Twinkle- just as another possibility...I am dyslexic and there is no way my working memory would cop with more than three instruction (tbh 2 is optimal). Also, I can't take things in if there is another demand on my working memory (like music or the radio going on at the same time). I too can loose the plot when there are too many things going on at once, too many inputs just fry my brain. Basically I can't 'think' of several things at once, so I am often immersed/oblivious, because I kind of need to be to maintain my concentration. Rather untypically, I learnt to read easily, was a fluent reader and writer fairly early and have a very high verbal comprehension- which is why it went undetected for a very long time. I did very well at school, but I can't spell, write down phones numbers or take directions.... I'm telling you all of this because it might be another possibility, don't assume dyslexia just manifests itself in reading and writing abilities.

[TwinkleTits]

Thank you hettie, I will look into it.

[auntpetunia]

Like Hettie I wondered about dyslexia or dyspraxia you could have been describing my DS 10 years ago he couldn't process more than 2 instructions at a time. Over time we've worked on this, and now he's older he has a good way of managing but if he's tired he can revert back to staring in complete bewilderment. He was assessed for Aspergers and autism he was classed as having some traits on the spectrum but his dyslexia was his main problem.

[TwinkleTits]

Thanks auntpetunia.

[BelleJolie]

He may benefit from his language skills being assessed by a speech and language therapist. They assess auditory memory and ability to follow instructions, which are aspects of language skill (among other aspects such as vocabulary and understanding / use of grammar).

[2rebecca]

My son is dyslexic and didn't cope with a series of more than 2 instructions when younger. We had to give him a couple of instructions then go in a few minutes later and give him the next couple if a series was required. Eventually "go up and get ready for your bath" was sufficient as he knew what that entailed.
As a teenager it still tends to be uniform on the beds pants and socks on the floor until he gets moaned at, but I think most teenagers are like that.
I can understand the husband being engrossed by something and not answering issue as if I'm involved in something someone has to say my name fairly loudly to get my attention, if they just start talking I tend to miss the first half of what they are saying because my brain hasn't switched tasks.
Also small kids talk and witter away constantly so your brain filters alot of it out so you can stay sane, and 2 year olds go "mummy mummy" most of the time so I doubt that him not responding to that before you had finished your shower or the 2 year old bothered to actually look for mummy would have done any harm. Teaching the kids to only talk to people in the same room as them might cut down on some of the noise as it sounds as though everyone in your house is always shouting. Also why should the person who wants to talk always take priority?

[jalopy]

Agree with an earlier post, it may be some sort of auditory processing disorder.


Here

[Queenbee245]

I'm sure there's a mild form of epilepsy whereby the person blanks out but just looks like they're daydreaming/watching tv etc while its happening but when they 'return' they can't recall anything that's happened during the episode
Although it doesn't sound like it's that for your Ds

[HopingItllBeOK]

twinkle even if you don't think that your DS or DP may be on the spectrum, it absolutely wouldn't hurt to look up some of the coping strategies employed for this who are and either use them or adapt them for your family.

DS1 has ADHD and Aspergers and on some of the (many, many) courses and talks I attended while we were in the road to diagnosis, a common theme was "these techniques can work for any child or indeed adult who has difficulty in these areas." A lack of diagnosis or actual disorder of any kind doesn't mean those techniques will bounce off a magical barrier and not work. They work for everyone who needs a bit of extra help, they just work better for, or rather are more geared towards, spectrum kids.

Things like 'chunking' instructions worked brilliantly for (NT) DS2 when he was at a daydreamy stage and he was already used to the concept because I used it with DS1.

It really doesn't matter how self sufficiency is achieved, what matters is the end result and putting their own clothes in the laundry basket is an important step towards having a confident 18 year old off to uni who can look after themselves rather than one who has never learnt how to do household tasks of more than 2 stages and becomes the bane of their flatmates lives.

[MCos]

When I read OP - I went 'I have one of those'. DD(10 yrs). It drives me crazy at times.

At nearly 11 - I get best response from her if I break task down into small chunks and follow up after each chunk. Otherwise, nothing gets done on time.
Until she was about 8 or 9, I used to have to stand over her reminding her of each 'next' task to ensure we got out of house on time for school.

My DD is also dyslexic.
She just doesn't do 'quick' or 'hurry up'... (Think airy fairy spacer, in the nicest possible way).

Actually, she is slow to interpret many signals. e.g. If she dances to choreography, she will be out of time. If she does the choreography herself, she has no problems with timing... If she acts out a scene from a book, she can't get the emotions right. But if she acts out something she makes up herself she gets it spot on.

I have often wondered if DD1 is 'somewhere' on the spectrum... I think she might be just be somewhere or other at the very edge. She certainly has no empathy when it comes to her parents!

However DD2 has more severe dyslexia, and responds very well to instructions or any of the above situations. But has more difficulty than DD1 with reading, writing, spelling, etc.

So maybe dyslexia has nothing to do with it.

[MCos]

Oh, forgot to add.
DH can be the same - he can't do 'quick' or 'hurry up' either. He is PhD, but needs processing time or kick in the arse before reacting to anything.

I'd hate to need him to rescue the family from a fire!