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AIBU?

To ask whether to contact the school about the behaviour points given to my son

65 replies

eleflump · 01/05/2013 17:22

This is my first AIBU - please bear with me!!

DS1 is in Year 7 at our local secondary school. He is a mature lad, in the top sets and not prone to being in any trouble at school unlike DS2.

He was walking down the corridor at lesson changeover when another boy in Year 7 came up to him out of nowhere and punched him in the head. My son knows this boy's name but has never spoken to him before.

The incident was last week and DS told me about it at the time - he had a red mark on the side of his head where he had been punched. My son was caught by surprise when he was hit, and turned round and punched the boy back. A teacher saw the incident, came up and asked the boy if he was "scrapping again" and took him to his lesson.

Nothing more was said until the weekly round up of reward/bad behaviour points during form time today, when DS discovered that he has been given three bad behaviour points. He has got to this point in the year without having accrued any, and is fuming that he has now been given these because of being punched by this boy. He wants me to contact school.

I am pretty sure that the school are going to say that he should not have punched back and that the points will have to stand, and to be honest, I am more concerned that DS stands up for himself in such a situation than the fact that he has been given behaviour points.

However, he has really bought into the reward/behaviour point scheme at school, and I think it is sad that his record is now going to be blemished because of this incident. I feel that it will destroy DS's faith in the integrity of the scheme.

So - would you contact the school to try and get the point removed? Or just explain to DS that although we wouldn't condone him receiving behaviour points in any other situation, in this instance we believe that he was entitled to defend himself against an unprovoked attack?

OP posts:

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FreyaSnow · 01/05/2013 18:02

Punching somebody in the back of the head could put their life in danger.

Actually, if somebody was doing something to me that wasn't life threatening but could leave me with an injury, I would defend myself.

kilmuir · 01/05/2013 18:03

the other boy was 'scrapping again', so obviously not being dealt very successfully by the school.
My frends DS was regularly picked on , quite severely, by the resident thug in his year. told numerous teachers. It only stopped when he retaliated.

HollyBerryBush · 01/05/2013 18:03

I am a great believer in 'don't hit first, but make sure you damned well hit hardest when returning the punch'.

No child of mine will ever be a patsy for someone else or a punch bag.

thebody · 01/05/2013 18:04

Mmm as a TA I would have every sympathy for your son but he did punch back so points given.

As a parent I would be in the school expecting this other child to be punished severely for a dangerous unprovoked attack on your son. If the school don't take it seriously then go to the police.

Also as a parent of older lads, good on your son as the little bully now might think twice before punching your lad again.

thebody · 01/05/2013 18:05

Holly just put it better..

notnagging · 01/05/2013 18:07

I had a similar incident with my sons school but he didn't punch back. I think it is completely different if he had & if you contacted them at the time

SantanaLopez · 01/05/2013 18:09

I think YABU, 3 points isn't the end of the world and he did punch back.

I would like to know how the other boy has been dealt with.

raspberryroop · 01/05/2013 18:14

Tell the teacher is fine in primary - in High School it about as good a way to getting bullied as I can think of.

neontetra · 01/05/2013 18:15

I'm surprised more was not made of the original punching incident to be honest. I work in a couple of schools, both challenging contexts in their different ways, but we don't deal with unprovoked punching with a hearty cry of "Scrapping again, lads?", a pat on the back and some stealth awarding of behaviour points later in the week! Their should have been some kind of investigation at the time, with statements taken from both boys and witnesses. Which should have exonerated your ds, in my opinion. If this was my dd, I would certainly ring and complain!

likeitorlumpit · 01/05/2013 18:19

wouldnt bother contacting school they wont budge ,the points system just highlights kids for the bullies to start on anyway , reward him at home for standing up for himself .

1Catherine1 · 01/05/2013 18:35

As a secondary teacher, I agree with leaving it be. The example has to be made, and exceptions cannot be made. He hit, regardless of the reason. For your son, this will have no future effect as he is a good kid. The other boy however, this may way be another nail in the coffin of getting the little bully kicked out of the school. If the school didn't punish both then the naughty child's parents could claim that he was being picked on by the school - I know, it is almost unbelievable but some parents really are. Especially since the whole event is your boy's word against the bully's.

McNewPants2013 · 01/05/2013 18:46

I can think of many jobs where you are more likely to get hit.

Would it be ok if a police officer hit a person who has hit them, a nurse to hit a drunk thats hits them in A&E.

FreyaSnow · 01/05/2013 18:50

Police officers do hit people who hit them; they carry a truncheon/baton. Nurses on psychiatric wards will restrain patients, sometimes on the floor, and inject them with drugs if they are hitting people.

AmberLeaf · 01/05/2013 19:15

Your son did the right thing in the situation. I bet that boy won't do that to him again, bullies and chancers only go for those who roll over and take it.

'Go and tell a teacher' Oh please, do get real.

What I have said to my sons, is that, sometimes in situations like that, you will do things that put you in the wrong in the eyes of the school/society/whatever, you will be punished accordingly and you have to just accept the punishment. you did wrong, but I fully understand why you did it and I would have done the same.

That said, I have made a complaint against a serious sanction when my son was attacked [I wont give any identifying details, but it was an unprovoked attack] and defended himself, the sanction was withdrawn and I was given an apology as it shouldn't have been handled in that way. But I don't think a few behavior points is something to be fussing over.

Mumzy · 01/05/2013 19:53

I think a few behaviour points is worth being left alone by said bully from now on. I think your ds did the right thing but the school has to be seen not to be condoning any sort of physical violence

eleflump · 01/05/2013 20:06

sometimes in situations like that, you will do things that put you in the wrong in the eyes of the school/society/whatever, you will be punished accordingly and you have to just accept the punishment. you did wrong, but I fully understand why you did it and I would have done the same.

This is how we have decided to handle it and it pretty much sums up what we have told DS.

From having a completely uneventful seven years at primary, it is just having to adjust to the secondary environment which is strange!

Thanks again for all the replies - it has helped put things into perspective, and I agree that a couple of behaviour points is a small price to pay for DS having defended himself and hopefully warding off any further trouble from this lad.

OP posts:

crashdoll · 01/05/2013 21:14

Police officers do hit people who hit them; they carry a truncheon/baton. Nurses on psychiatric wards will restrain patients, sometimes on the floor, and inject them with drugs if they are hitting people.

What are you on? They can act in self-defence, not attack/hit.

crashdoll · 01/05/2013 21:27

Nurses also restrain for the safety of the patient. Your post made me quite angry, how ignorant!

sunlightonthegrass · 01/05/2013 21:29

completely agree with caramelisedonion

HollyBerryBush · 01/05/2013 21:31

I hate to piss you all off, but at my school we have all been on restraining training. Throughout the whole Academy chain.

Sadly some children have no boundaries

Cherriesarelovely · 01/05/2013 22:28

If the school had known the whole story then they were being very unreasonable indeed. In what other context would you get punished for defending yourself when someone randomly ran up behind you and punched you in the head? I don't know if I would complain on his behalf but I might encourage him to make a complaint, explaining the context of his behaviour.

ApocalypseThen · 01/05/2013 22:40

I think it may seem unfair, but seriously, even if its ok to hit someone in self defense, can the school really endorse that? How many people want to send kids to a school where there's any excuse at all that mitigates violence? It's easy to be indignant on this youngfella's behalf, but if the school allows any reason to throw a punch among lads it will be mayhem.

seesensepeople · 01/05/2013 22:45

My issue with this would not be the points for punching but the fact that the points came as a surprise.

The Human Rights Act gives everyone the right to a fair trial and that means that punishments should not be meted out without the punished having their say first.

Apart from that the teacher who witnessed the event seemed to imply that it was all over and done with...

I would be phoning the schol to talk abot this side of things.

ApocalypseThen · 01/05/2013 22:56

Please, please, if you ever have the chance to do this, tell us how it goes.

AnyFucker · 01/05/2013 23:05

arf

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