Having terrible thoughts about my MIL HELP!!!

[mumtolilh]

First things first I would never harm my mil but I am about to loose it!!!
I've managed to ignore her for the best part of 8 years but she is seriously pushing my buttons!!!
First she says my sons name is stupid!
Then says I'm a wimp for having an epidural!
Then says she's gutted my son took after me in looks!
Then says constantly he's too thin (my lb is described as perfect by hv,gp etc (not that I have to defend myself)
She says he shouldn't have a bottle by now & that I should wrap him up more (he's dressed suitable for weather at all times) I could go on forever!!!
Well today she blatantly asks me (infront of oh) & other family members...struggling to loose your baby weight???
HOW RUDE!!!
I sound like a wimp because I cried when I drove home
This isn't me usually I'm quite thick skinned but I've got to the point where I'm having irrational thoughts & I seriously want to do something to her!!!
My oh just says ignore her but its been 8 years too long!
How does anyone in a similar situation cope without completely blowing up!??? lol
#rant over

[KippersAndMackerel]

Just reply in a PA way back to each PA comment. So if she makes a comment about weight, say"oh I've been loosing gradually, how long did you try to loose yours for before you gave up?" etc. it can't start an argument as you are just saying the same, if she does argue just say 'oh I thought you wanted to talk about weight'

[Pigsmummy]

Try asking (with a smile on your face) "did you mean to be so rude"? Mumsnet classic line that I had never used until recently and it bloomin works.

You have my sympathy, sadly she has got away with this bad behaviour so she thinks she can continue. Your DH (is there a FIL?) should have picked her up on this behaviour. If the role was reversed would you let a member of your family be rude to your DH on a regular basis?

[BegoniaBampot]

I Think I would have to say something whether it's to challenge or just say something equally rude back to her but all passive aggressive sarcastic or with a friendly smile to really, really piss her off. luckily, my MIL is the exact opposite thank god!

[Goldmandra]

Just use the old MN classic every single time.

"Did you mean to be so rude?"

[DailyNameChanger]

Just stay away. My mil was always more in there when I visited without hub and much nicer to me when he was around. I think I'm a bit the same with her! So I came to the conclusion that hold on a minute, we're not mates, I'm married to her son so he can go and see her once a week which fair dos he does and that's fine and they would help us with anything and vice versa. But I don't visit alone. High days and holidays for me and we are perfectly charming to each other. If she doesn't like it, she shouldn't have been such a nightmare for twenty years lol. I would defo help her out in a crisis, or illness etc so I suppose I love her really but I have just recognised that we are not designed to spend much time together!!

[DontmindifIdo]

I would suggest you calmly tell your DH that you've been thinking, while he's happy to just ignore her as he's grown up thinking this is normal, you do'nt and you won't put up with it anymore, so next time she says anything insulting to you, you fully intend to give it back to her with both barrells. If that ends up with a split in the family and MIL being really upset, so be it. this is, unless he can think of a good alternative, and just ignoring her is not a good alternative for you. Leave him to think about it, but then say, well other options might be that he could take his mum to one side and tell her to stop, or if she says anything insulting to say "oi mum, that's a bit rude!" etc, or he can do nothing, and wait until you go nuclear (also say you'll refuse to let your DC to go somewhere without you if it's likely your DC will hear people insulting you).

[Sallyingforth]

Well done claremp7 and your OH. You have the support you deserve. Perhaps the OP should show your post to her OH.

[mumtolilh]

Claremp7 that sounds like a good one what you did saying you wouldn't offer her a drink for four hours lol
I don't know what's wrong with her/other people
Why can't they just get on with their own lives rather than worry about what others are doing! I'm sure it's partly jealousy! I will be making comments back 100% the next time!!! X

[claremp7]

My MIL has a habit of being a cow when my OH isn't there. I'm very lucky as he believes what I say. When she visited this weekend and said I should starve my breast feed ten week old DD so she fed every four hours rather than on demand which is normally every two hours I lost it with her. We've had this discussion on a number of occasions with my OH even explaining things to her. On this occasion I said I'm not going to give her a drink of tea coffee or water for four hours and that she's not allowed anything to eat in that time either. I said she was our child and while we appreciate advice we might not always follow it. She left not long after. My OH said he wasnt going to phone to see how she is because she needs to learn to respect out decisions. Like I said I'm very grateful he is so good. The feeding every four hours is just the tip of the iceberg.

[exoticfruits]

Generally I say 'smile, nod, ignore'- but she is going too far. I think that your OH has to tackle her and put a stop to it.
If not, I would look at her in a bewildered way and say, calmly, 'did you mean to be so rude?' She can't really admit that she did so will probably come up with an explanation-to which you can say, calmly again, 'well I find it very rude'.
However-it is really up to OH to stand up to her.

[Sallyingforth]

I have to blame your OH. He should be much firmer with his mother. In particular he should not tell you to speak to her - it's his job to protect you and sort this.

[TigerSwallowTail]

If she's saying those things infront of other people she's making herself look bad, not you. Don't stress over her horrid comments, stand up to her next time she insults you.

[mumtolilh]

lol thanks everyone ;)
My oh has seen the light & phoned his mother & mentioned lightly that he thought she was rude about my weight!
& when she says something again I'm gonna do something about it there & then :p

[Sheshelob]

Put her in her place. You have to. Next time she does something, tell her.

I walked on eggshells with my passive aggressive heavyweight of a MIL until she pushed me over the edge by using my son to try to undermine me. I told her what I thought of what she had done and she tried to get my husband involved. That was her mistake. He asked me to apologise and i did crossing my fingers furiously, for him. But she refused to do the same, causing the most almighty scene. And then something magic happened. My husband stood up for me.

She has been very careful with me ever since. I am very cool with her, letting her son and grandson do all the hard work. It is rather lovely to see her experiencing the frustration and insecurity that I was wracked with. I spent so long feeling crazy and over sensitive about her. And now she knows I won't stand for it, she is all sweetness and light.

Tell her. Be grown up about it. Keep it specific to the thing that she has said - if you make is general she can turn it around on you and say you are being paranoid. The thing about passive aggression is it is undermined by straight taking, especially if they frame it as humour. So in response to dropping baby weight, say "That's not a very nice thing to say. How would you like it if I commented on your weight?" And look her straight in the eye. Don't get upset just tell her that it is unkind. Like you are talking to a toddler who doesn't know better. And then drop it.

Or punch her in the face. That would work, too. She wouldn't say shit to you after that.

[mumtolilh]

I'm working on it but its so hard to crack the mum son relationship
He just says there's no way she would be deliberately nasty :(
It's so irritating! I'm gonna go it alone & really put her in her place & tell her to back right off!

[maddening]

you really need to work on dh then go nuclear!

[mumtolilh]

I think I'm gonna try & pluck up the courage to tell her how I'm feeling!
I think LittleBairn you are right because I truly believe she knows exactly what she's doing!
& yes I'm not going to suggest visits or calls anymore I'm sick of always trying to be the nice person! ;)
I'm going to suggest to my oh that he should invite her to my house (rather than go to her) because I'm much more comfortable in my own environment :p

[mercibucket]

As your child/ren get older, it is easier as you will feel happier stepping back from visits etc. For now, just never suggest any visits or phonecalls. Without me prompting him, dh doesn't phone or visit all that often and I very rarely go too

[LittleBairn]

Do you know what until you blow up at her ( verbally) and put her in her place she is always going to treat you like crap.

[seesensepeople]

I managed 25 years with my MIL and she was a strange person. She didn't understand working women, she didn't understand modern child rearing, she could only ever go on holiday to one UK location or one overseas location.

How do I know this? Because I did things differently and she just had to comment.

The critical thing to me was maintaining sufficient peace that I did not upset DH.

So, if she wanted to visit (very rare) then she was welcome and DH would be expected to entertain - I would just make complicated creations in the kitchen.

I never visited her without DH.

When DH and I and DC visited, I left DC and DH to interact with MIL. I would take a paper and do the crossword, occassionally lifting my head to "ask for help" with the odd clue.

They already thought I was odd so they just shrugged their shoulders.

I never, ever, ever criticised her to DH.

Timidviper said Just ignore her and distance yourself. I hope this gives you some idea of how that can be achieved.

[mumtolilh]

Trust me!...me & my oh have had 'words' tonight & he has told me to say something but I feel he should say it with me!

[mumtolilh]

That's what my mum told me to do but she does it so slyly & quietly I feel like I would look like the unreasonable one!
Maybe I should have a quiet word with her alone & try & freak her out a little by saying look mil your clearly jealous of me & we both know your game but one more comment...

[Bobyan]

Your MIL isn't the problem, your DH is for letting her behave like this.

[mumtolilh]

This will sound even more ridiculous but I don't wanna completely fall out because I would dread the thought of my lb being at her house with just my oh!
She try's to give him food I disapprove of & I am always firm but I know my oh if on his own wouldn't back me!
It's so difficult :-(
I wanna just keep my son from her but I wouldn't do it to my oh!
I really wanna punch her & tell her to F off!
But that would never happen...I need to grow a pair ha ha

[jgjgjg]

Tell her very directly every single time she is rude - i.e. "MIL, I actually think that is very rude" and refuse point blank to say another word about whatever it is she's been rude about.

I've had to start doing this with my father-in-law, who appears to be completely losing his sense of what is appropriate and what is not. I came to the decision that I wouldn't let anyone else speak to me like that so I won't take it from him either. Of course it's only possible if you don't depend on MIL for support of any kind.