About colleague asking for lifts home?

[tulippa]

Hello! I'm a bit of a lurker - first aibu - anyway:

I'm not sure what to do about a situation I seem to have landed myself in - I was giving one colleague a lift home a few weeks ago, (she is not the issue here - I don't mind at all with her as she is the least assuming person I have ever met and never asks - also I have worked with her a long time and we get on well), when we bumped into someone who used to work in our dept a while ago and now works on a different section. He asked where we were going and asked if he could have a lift too as it was on his way. Ok I thought as I wouldn't be going out of my way and was giving a lift to someone else anyway.

I then mentioned this the next day to another colleague who said "Oh don't fall into that trap!" and regaled me with stories about how she had given this person a lift and he had asked her to stop while he popped into the Co-op and made her wait while he did his weekly shop and also how someone else who doesn't live anywhere near him dropped him off and he gave the driver completely wrong directions home and sent him hours out of his way.

Now the lift asking colleague has started to send group e-mails to our dept in the evening asking if anyone is going his way home. I know these are directed at me - half the people on our section don't know him and I'm the only person who goes that route home. I now feel obliged to say yes as he knows I'm at work and drive his route. Then last night he e-mailed me directly.

He has never offered petrol money but that's not what I'm bothered about as I don't go out of my way. It's more that I feel my personal space is being invaded. What with working full time and two kids sometimes that 20 minute drive to work and back is the only me time I get! Also last time he got in he reeked of aftershave/deodorant - I had to drive home with the windows open and explain what was going to DH in case wondered why I was driving random men about.

I wouldn't mind so much if it was someone I knew really well but it does feel awkward having to make conversation. His girlfriend used to drive him home but they have recently split up so I do feel a bit sorry for him. There are buses and know these take longer but that's not my fault is it?

So am I being reasonable about not wanting to share my own bubble on my way home or am I just being a big old meanie as I don't have to go out of my way and all he's really doing is sitting in the passenger seat for 15 minutes?

[DwellsUndertheSink]

if you want to be a generous soul, by all means tell him that you will give him lifts, but he will be ready at X point in the morning for collection (and you will drive on if he's not there) and X point to leave (and yu leave promptly whether he is there or not) and you will not, under any circumstances, be taking him anywhere to do anything additional.

Then if he asks you to stop at the shop, you can say no.

ALternatively, suggest he looks on Freecycle for a bike, and learn to ride it.

[chrome100]

I can drive but don't own a car. Plenty of my colleagues drive straight past my street but I have never once asked them for a lift. It's only 3 miles away so I walk, or if I need to be home sooner get the bus. I really don't see why they should have to drive me anywhere. For one thing we all leave at slightly different times and for another I quite like my "alone time" after work as well!

[GilmoursPillow]

I'm another one who thinks a plain "No, sorry."

Don't lie - he'll see through them.
Don't make excuses - as others have said he'll work them to his advantage.
Don't tell him the odd one-off or emergency is fine - he'll have 5 one-offs or emergencies a week.

[EldritchCleavage]

If he can't afford the bus, he takes a day off? How far is it? Because the thing is, he could walk. I know nowadays people often don't want to, but it is actually a perfectly viable way to get to work. I don't think even a 30-40 minute walk is unreasonable.

So if you look at it that way, you aren't responsible for helping him avoid walking at all costs.

[seeker]

I can't believe that somebody with empty seats in a car would see a colleague walking for 40 minutes without offering a lift.

[TomArchersSausage]

I'm also backing the 'No, sorry' reply.

He's obviously got a thick skin and has found being pushy sometimes pays off. Heed the warning and steer clear.

Lol at getting people to wait outside supermarkets whilst he shops You've got to (grudgingly) admire someone with that much of a nerve.

[ConferencePear]

I somehow felt obliged to give a colleague a lift and it became more and more of a chore.
The last straw came when I said I was going to call at the supermarket and he decided to join me and do his family's shopping. The final embarrassment came when the check-out operator thought he was my husband ! How could she think that I was married to such a ....... oh well never mind.
It had to stop.
Don't start it.

[TomArchersSausage]

Years ago I worked with someone who was pushed into giving lifts to a colleague every morning.

One esp rainy morning she totally forgot him...mind wandering, world of her own, music on... and sailed straight past him.

I think her subconscious self was trying to express her true feelings.

[Madondogs]

Completely agree with Seeker, I can't believe how mean spirited lots of people are.
It's hardly a huge inconvenience and if it becomes one the op can always change her mind.
Bet most of you vote Tory!

[Snazzynewyear]

I'm another 'No, sorry'. And I don't vote Tory! It's not 'helping out' so much as 'allowing yourself to subside someone else's journey to work, which he should really pay for himself'. I notice he hasn't offered petrol money - which is the first thing I would do if asking for a regular lift. He clearly feels he shouldn't have to pay for his journeys to and from work - what does he think all his colleagues do?

OP, I know you said the money wasn't the thing for you, but the fact that he hasn't offered any is key to his attitude for me. He sounds (over-used word, but it applies in this case) entitled, as if he feels at least one of you is obliged to drive him home. You're not.

[ConferencePear]

Seeker & Madondogs - the OP doesn't say that he has to walk for 40 minutes.
The man I gave a lift had a car which he shared with his SAHW. He never offered a penny towards towards the cost of petrol and often made me late for work. The last straw came when he told me that he was taking his wife and three kids on holiday at Easter. DH and I couldn't afford to take our two.
How you can presume to know how I vote from that ?

[JassyRadlett]

If it's removing something that the OP (or anyone being asked for a lift on a regular basis) really values - such as time alone - then yes, actually it's an inconvenience. Another person might not find it an inconvenience but I certainly would.

In my pre-car days I used to get really irritated by people who were really insistent about giving me a lift home. I didn't mind people offering - but as someone who values that alone time whether it's walking, on a bus or in a car, I'd usually decline unless I was dead on my feet. Some people were insistent to the point of rudeness and became quite offended if I declined, it drove me bats. I got the feeling that the people offering wanted to feel generous and like they were bestowing largesse upon the less fortunate.

[CelticPromise]

I'm with seeker even though I like my alone time especially in the car. If it's not out of the way and he doesn't take the piss, I'd do it at least part of the week.

[MrsSpagBol]

Celtic, Seeker and Madondogs - I think that the point here is that it's not about whether or not YOU find it an inconvenience or whatever, it is about the OP and her feelings about the situation.

If you don't value that alone time, don't mind making small talk, don't mind being slightly delayed and don't mind going out of your way then by all means give lifts as you see fit.

There is no need at all to use words like "mean" and "must vote Tory" just because someone has a different preference to you.

Just because you don't value something personally does not render it meaningless or of no worth to someone else.

[HazleNutt]

He will take a piss though, has he has already shown. It's very rare to find the types as described, who are there on time, never make you wait, never hover aroudn your desk making you hurry up because they're finished and you are not, never request that oh, could you just stop there for a minute and drive through that. All people except one I've previosly given semi-regular lifts to have turned into those types sooner or later, and it's way harder to get out of the arrangement then.

[DameFanny]

You know that nagging sense of obligation you describe? That's the thing you need to get over. Most men don't have it - why burden yourself?

Send Revolting's email.

[seeker]

"The last straw came when he told me that he was taking his wife and three kids on holiday at Easter. DH and I couldn't afford to take our two."


Why was that the last straw? Did he ask you to drive them to the airport?

[Lottashakingoinon]

The last straw came when he told me that he was taking his wife and three kids on holiday at Easter. DH and I couldn't afford to take our two.

Why was that the last straw?

Seems pretty clear to me Seeker. Pear was effectively subsidising his holiday (and lifestyle generally) by saving him fare money. (Not the whole amount obviously but he multiplied this kind of freeby-ing he probably saved auite a bit in the course of a year)

As it goes I am a bit of a fence sitter on this issue but I think saying you are going that way anyway does not entitle the liftee not to offer to share expenses. After all, they've got to get to work somehow haven't they?

[seeker]

She wasn't subsidising it! It cost her nothing to give him a lift.

[Snazzynewyear]

Of course she was, because he wasn't having to spend the money it would have cost him to take the bus/train/pay for a bike, thus enabling him to put that money towards other things such as his holiday. It's not about her costs per se, it's about him not having to spend money because he gets to benefit from her car without himself having to pay for petrol, insurance and other running costs. That is subsidising.

[Lottashakingoinon]

Yes she was because it would have cost him something to get there under his own steam. Might have been nice if he'd given her a lift occasionally. I did say effectively subsidising, not actually subsiding (quickly checks back, yes I did, phew!!)

[Snazzynewyear]

That's why organised car-sharing schemes involve fellow travellers contributing towards the cost. They recognise that it is saving those people money to travel with someone else, and that that doesn't mean the cost disappears into thin air - it's borne by the owner of the car. If they agree to share the benefits of care ownership, it's not unreasonable to get some benefit in return.

[Lottashakingoinon]

Snazzy you are absolutely correct and a woman of great discernment for agreeing with me

[seeker]

Whatever. Can't see it myself. Just glad i can give people lifts without feeling all bitter and twisted.