About colleague asking for lifts home?

[tulippa]

Hello! I'm a bit of a lurker - first aibu - anyway:

I'm not sure what to do about a situation I seem to have landed myself in - I was giving one colleague a lift home a few weeks ago, (she is not the issue here - I don't mind at all with her as she is the least assuming person I have ever met and never asks - also I have worked with her a long time and we get on well), when we bumped into someone who used to work in our dept a while ago and now works on a different section. He asked where we were going and asked if he could have a lift too as it was on his way. Ok I thought as I wouldn't be going out of my way and was giving a lift to someone else anyway.

I then mentioned this the next day to another colleague who said "Oh don't fall into that trap!" and regaled me with stories about how she had given this person a lift and he had asked her to stop while he popped into the Co-op and made her wait while he did his weekly shop and also how someone else who doesn't live anywhere near him dropped him off and he gave the driver completely wrong directions home and sent him hours out of his way.

Now the lift asking colleague has started to send group e-mails to our dept in the evening asking if anyone is going his way home. I know these are directed at me - half the people on our section don't know him and I'm the only person who goes that route home. I now feel obliged to say yes as he knows I'm at work and drive his route. Then last night he e-mailed me directly.

He has never offered petrol money but that's not what I'm bothered about as I don't go out of my way. It's more that I feel my personal space is being invaded. What with working full time and two kids sometimes that 20 minute drive to work and back is the only me time I get! Also last time he got in he reeked of aftershave/deodorant - I had to drive home with the windows open and explain what was going to DH in case wondered why I was driving random men about.

I wouldn't mind so much if it was someone I knew really well but it does feel awkward having to make conversation. His girlfriend used to drive him home but they have recently split up so I do feel a bit sorry for him. There are buses and know these take longer but that's not my fault is it?

So am I being reasonable about not wanting to share my own bubble on my way home or am I just being a big old meanie as I don't have to go out of my way and all he's really doing is sitting in the passenger seat for 15 minutes?

[MrsMangelFanciedPaulRobinson]

LOL at ScienceRocks, a non driver, suggesting that you give him a lift once a week. Only a non driver would suggest that!

YANBU, OP. I would just tell him no. People like him get away with their behaviour as they hound others, and give a sense of obligation and guilt to others. He will soon move on to someone else.

[AlexReidsLonelyBraincell]

RevoltingPeasant's email is perfect. It's inoffensive and perfectly clear, if you're worried about colleagues thinking badly of you, don't worry, they really won't.

Good luck with shaking him off. It will only be awkward for a short while and then you'll have that wonderful feeling of having stood up for yourself. (I've been a doormat at times in the past, I know how good this feels).

[MrsMangelFanciedPaulRobinson]

And I totally agree with others that have said don't give reasons or excuses as he will just bend those to suit him and come up with a 'plan' to mean you can still take him home.

He sounds awful. I dislike him and I don't even know the bloke!

[ThePigOfHappiness]

I don't mind giving lifts, but I do enjoy singing along to the radio loudly too...
Would only do it for him in an emergency or terrible weather since he's known for taking the piss

[rhinestone]

If he carries on speak to HR. He is effectively harassing you.

[tulippa]

MrsMangel he's not a horrible person - just someone I don't know that well but feel sorry about the bits I do know - is worse to be disliked or pitied? I thinks it less a sense of entitlement just more a combination of desperation/brazenness.

[BOF]

Another vote for RevoltingPeasant's email.

[RollerCola]

You are me, 15 yrs ago! I was in a VERY similar situation and had very similar feelings to you. The guy in question used to wait for me to finish work, even though he finished over half an hr earlier some days and could have WALKED home in that time!

I used to find myself finding extra work to do in the hope that he'd give up waiting for me and go home by himself. It became a standing joke in the office - I was a fool!

In the end I came to my senses and told him I couldn't give him a lift any more, it wasn't convenient. He got the message but you need to spell it out to these people in black & white. As the others have said don't make excuses, just say you can't as it's not convenient and leave it at that. He can't give a counter-excuse to that reason.

Stick to your guns and DON'T give him any lifts AT ALL. Good luck!

[fromparistoberlin]

keep saying, "oh I amnot going that way tonight" until he gets hint

visiting mother
picking up partner
shopping

etcetc

[arabesque]

YANBU. I would have no problem giving someone an occasional lift home but would absolutely hate to get into a regular arrangement that would tie me down. Also, sometimes you really do just want a bit of time on your own to wind down after a day at work. Or to suddenly decide to stop off at the shops or work a bit late or leave early or whatever.

[MrsMangelFanciedPaulRobinson]

The problem is people like him genuinely do believe they are entitled to have the world do favours for them, and they also genuinely believe that anyone that won't accommodate their request is unreasonable and unfair.

[tulippa]

RollerCola he did that to me once as well! I have set shifts so finish at different times to nearly everyone else so was bit when he asked for a lift in the daytime knowing that he wouldn't finish the same time as me. Turned out he did wait round 30 minutes for me to finish. Surely the bus would have been easier??

[DontSHOUTTTTTT]

Tell him that you are learning French using an audio programme and that you have to practise in the car.


...or just tell sorry but you can't give him a lift. NO explanation is best

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Smile, stay pleasant, say, "Best not to rely on me, good luck with the driving lessons", then at random times if it suits you, offer.

[fudgeit]

whoa he waited around for you?! how did you handle that? is there any way you can fashion a situation where you are suddenly without car and relying on DH? maybe he can see him off a bit for you?

[abbyfromoz]

Yanbu- haven't read the whole thread but just explain that unfortunately you can't as you now need to go in the opposite direction to pick up your children (therefore he won't fit in the car anyway) it's a lie but it will get you out of a sticky situation

[clam]

I fully understand your reluctance on this one. However, I'm now feeling a bit as I've been relying on lifts from friends/colleagues recently, since I broke my leg. Thank goodness I'm now back on wheels.

[thestringcheesemassacre]

I'm with the group that says JUST SAY NO

No excuses, just big old fat NO.