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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to need a break from being a SAHM

95 replies

BlackMaryJanes · 09/04/2013 21:18

No idea if IABU or not.

We have 2 DC (1 and 2 years).

DH leaves for work very early in the morning and gets home at 6pm. By the time 6pm rolls around I am often irritable, tired and most of all, touched-out from having two toddlers whinging and climbing all over me all day long. In an ideal world I would hand the kids over to DH and lock myself in the bedroom for an hour to get a breather. But DH argues that this would be unfair as he 'never gets a break either'. I try to explain that at least he gets a change of scene, but he dismisses this.

AIBU?

If you don't think IABU, what is the solution?

OP posts:

oldtoys · 10/04/2013 10:32

Regarding keeping the house tidy, I would take one room, each week and make it your PROJECT to declutter it.

I did this - gave me something to work towards, and the kids 'helped' - pottered around me, hid in boxes etc etc. I 'ignored' them, chatting away but focused on my project to declutter

Do it room by room, as much as you can, with regular breaks - trust me, once the clutter is gone, your head clears and there is less to tidy each day!

Kitchen: Do you have lots of stuff on your work surfaces in the kitchen? Put small appliances in cupboards, clear away paperwork into boxes/drawers/organised spaces - check Pinterest for ideas it's fab

Bedroom: Sort your underwear drawer so everything is easy to access in a morning, sort your clothes, EBay sell them, etc etc

Kids room: Either keep their toys in their rooms, and have just ONE box of toys in the living areas. Then ROTATE these boxes weekly so you don't have to keep buying them new toys

Bathroom: Regular harpic down the loo and a brush around then a quick Jif around the sinks - I keep a sponge and wipes in the bathroom and if it's looking iffy, I do a quick clean - Flash wipes are brilliant

Living room: WHat is the basic need in your room - don't have mountains of toys in there, just ONE box of toys as above. Cushions and snuggle blankets for you when you're feeling like you need a hug! Wrap yourself up and it will calm you down. Worked for me.
Hoover or brush floors each day, or every other day - I used to dress up kids into buggies before our morning walk or the 2nd afternoon walk, then while they're in the buggies, I'd do a quick floor sweep. REALLY helped my mood to have clean floors to come back to

I don't know what else to suggest - oh yes, clean the shower while you're in it, clean max 30 mins each day - it doesnt have to be a massive operation, just spray and wipe and you'll get there

But DECLUTTER first - you must - then there will be less STUFF coming in on top of you so to speak

Sorry lonnnnnnng post again!

oldtoys · 10/04/2013 10:34

DH took sunday mornings break away to do his thing if I took the saturdays off, sometimes i just took saturday morning away, then he took saturday afternoon out, but we both agreed to have saturday evenings as wine and naice food at home night

even if kids are around or sleeping, saturday evenings were always a restful, relaxing 'date' night at home if you like - we had both had a breather away that day, and were more in tune thereafter

KellyElly · 10/04/2013 10:34

If he gets a lunch break for an hour at work, the hour when he comes home to look after the kids is your hour break

oldtoys · 10/04/2013 10:38

i think your DH just needs to hear you say that you appreciate his 'role' in providing for his family, that you understand his stresses etc but as their FATHER, put it gently to him, you have a new idea of how things will work better - I wouldnt nag him, as to be fair, he's probably working his socks off already and yes that is tiring

But you are a team, you have 2 beautiful kids together. This is just a massive exhausting juggle for you and he needs to have clear outline of what you want from him

So tell him.

Heinz55 · 10/04/2013 10:42

I used to be like this when my first was small. I only had one (and couldn't contemplate another because of how lonely and exhausting I found the whole thing) and I remember resenting every minute late DH was in coming home. He would take his time and call in to his parents on the way!!! Anyway, I survived it (as will you) and now I do have a second child and they are both a bit older and more independant and a few years ago I took up running and often am ready to (literally) run out the door as DH comes in - if I am training for a specific race this is my excuse. A friend just goes out for a walk as her dh comes in - the reasoning being that we will be back in time to do bedtime and then enjoy a couple of hours with dh. Having said that, last night I didn't go anywhere and my children continued to follow me around until I explained that I needed 20 minutes silence and hid in my bedroom (they still found me ). You are not alone OP!

WileyRoadRunner · 10/04/2013 10:42

Is this am old thread or does OP just put the same thing on every couple of months

OP you have had stacks of advice over the threads that you have started, none of which you are interested in trying.

Therefore YABU.

And didn't you gleefully post on a a very controversial thread that people should be able to cope with their own children alone (without their DP!s helping)?

oldtoys · 10/04/2013 10:58

if she wants to put the same thing on every couple of months, then why shouldn't she Wiley?

Mothering is like that! It is constant, constant and maybe she needs to just VENT whenever she damn well wants!

5madthings · 10/04/2013 11:12

Yanbu but nor is your dh. Him.sitting on.his arse on the laptop leaving you to deal with them.is.

My dp went to work.for 8am yesterday morning, he will get in at about 5:30pm today, so will have been out for 34 hrs ish. Litetally as he gets in i will go out for a run! I will be gone about 45mins and whilst i am out he will start on dinner (sometimes i do the prep for dinner before he gets in) so when i get back.it will be almost ready.

Then i will come in, get a drink and help kids lay the table etc we will have dinner together and then i will wash up whilst he starts on bedtime routine. Then i will help with bedtime routine/quick tidy up and we will then both collapse onto the sofa!

We both make sure to be appreciative of each other and give each other time out.

WileyRoadRunner · 10/04/2013 11:13

Ok I will be more productive then.

So your DH no longer takes them to the supermarket for an hour every night.... what would you like him to do? Would you really just be able to shut yourself in your bedroom for an hour or would you keep coming out to intervene with his parenting?

If you will find it hard to be hands off could they go to bed at 7pm? This means your DH and yourself could get a break either together, or you would be able to relax and read/watch tv/go out.

Could your DH look after them every Saturday morning for 2/3 hours to give you a break?

Original poster

BlackMaryJanes · 10/04/2013 11:21

Try and stop the competitive tiredness between you- it's hard I know (been still there meself) but it only breeds contempt.

I think this is the crux of it. But it would take both of us to stop the competitive tiredness, and I don't know whether DH can do this. He is utterly convinced that his life is much, much harder than mine.

*Being a sahm if dc of that age is crazy crazy hard work

It drains you physically mentally and emotionally every single day

I used to want to run away...*

That's exactly how I feel. I want to pack my bags and leave, but I have no where to go.

I have just wept infront of the kids. I haven't done that in a lonnnng time.

i disappeared each saturday too

I'm starting to come around to the idea. Problem is, I'm still BFing.

OP posts:

tomverlaine · 10/04/2013 11:31

To put the other side- I am wohm - DP is SAHD (sometimes) - yesterday I left the house at 7am (DP/DS still asleep) - got home at 7PM (relatively short day- trains all working ok ish)- DP announced he needs a break- so i played with DS/Made his dinner/fed him/bathed him and put him to bed- no idea what DP did - i then (normally) tidy up/do washing etc. DP thinks that because he has DS all day he needs a break - I am fine with him having a break from DS but think that he should still do the other things (making dinner/tidying up) so that I don't effectively have to do double work whilst he does none

Original poster

BlackMaryJanes · 10/04/2013 11:31

last night I didn't go anywhere and my children continued to follow me around until I explained that I needed 20 minutes silence and hid in my bedroom (they still found me)

It's horrible isn't it? And I feel guilty for saying that but it's how I feel. I'm touched-out and want to be away from them.

And didn't you gleefully post on a a very controversial thread that people should be able to cope with their own children alone (without their DP!s helping)?

No I bloody did not!

*if she wants to put the same thing on every couple of months, then why shouldn't she Wiley?

Mothering is like that! It is constant, constant and maybe she needs to just VENT whenever she damn well wants!*

Thank you so much for saying this. I do feel like a broken record at times. A haggard, old, worn-out broken record. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Litetally as he gets in i will go out for a run! I will be gone about 45mins and whilst i am out he will start on dinner (sometimes i do the prep for dinner before he gets in) so when i get back.it will be almost ready.

Does he resent you for this? (having already done a long day himself).

I would gladly shut myself in a bedroom for an hour. I wouldn't intervene in his parenting (where on earth have I suggested that?) because I myself am a shit parent so how can I tell him what to do on that front??

OP posts:

WileyRoadRunner · 10/04/2013 11:34

Actually I was thinking would you be able to relax hearing the children ... What if they were having a tantrum/ DP was short tempered with them? Would you not feel like you had to then come out of the bedroom to help?

Original poster

BlackMaryJanes · 10/04/2013 11:47

Would you not feel like you had to then come out of the bedroom to help?

Yes I would feel it, but who wouldn't?

OP posts:

WileyRoadRunner · 10/04/2013 11:49

Oh and I apologise if I was incorrect about you agreeing with the OP of the coping totally alone even when ill thread. My mistake.

WileyRoadRunner · 10/04/2013 11:50

Then perhaps it would not work for you shutting yourself in your bedroom for an hour. Maybe you need to completely get out of the house for a set period at the weekend.

Emsmaman · 10/04/2013 11:51

tomverlaine I wonder what you would make of my DH then. On the days I work I take DD to nursery at 7:30, go to work, pick her up at 6:30, bath and bed, cook DH and I dinner and do the washing up. And probably do some laundry in between times as well. I don't really sit down until 10 then start it all again at 6. I'm a pushover saint aren't I?

5madthings · 10/04/2013 12:00

"Does he resent me for this" NO absolutely not, in fact if I am not feeling motivated to go run he cajoules me to go as he knows I will feel better for going!!

He gets time off as well, hr works odd shifts but is often at home on a Fri morning, he will take elder ones to school and I will take little one to toddlers, so he gets a coup,e of hours then. He prefers time alone in the house to going OK, in would rather go out for my break.

His hours are crazy tbh but when he is at home he is totally hands on and fully expects to be. We ha be five children so life can be full on but we both am dey them so they are a joint responsibility.

He often bikes to work (10 miles) this means he is out longer than if he drives, so I am on my own with the kids more, but he enjoys the bike ride and time to himself.

We both ,make sure we get a break and there is no resentment if one of is needs timeout.

yellowhousewithareddoor · 10/04/2013 12:08

thanks oldtoys. I think I need to write down some of your ideas to try and change life at the moment.

stopgap · 10/04/2013 12:31

Do your kids take a long nap in the pm? Could you get a sitter to come in a couple of times a week and give you an hour or two to yourself?

I work two days a week, but I'm also in the fortunate position of having a sitter three evenings a week once my toddler DS is in bed. I go to the gym, for a run or sometimes out to dinner with DH. It's fundamental to your sanity to have decent breaks as a SAHP.

yellowhousewithareddoor · 10/04/2013 12:33

I think a sitter would be heavenly. But surely expensive? Perhaps sanity saving though. I'm certainly feeling close to the edge.

pinkdelight · 10/04/2013 12:33

"I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel."

No wonder - you've been in the midst of the madness for a long time, given the ages of your DC. But honestly, I promise, as soon as the youngest reaches two years, you'll see the light and both start to get your lives back. till then, it's going to be competitiveness tiredness cos you're both tired and unreasonable and apart from paying someone else to help, even if it's just an hour in the creche whilst you go to the gym, then it's fair to assume you're both doing your best to get by right now. Try some of the things suggested - giving each other a half-hour here n there etc - but just hang on in there and I promise you it will get better. Just wait n see. And I also promise you you're not a bad mum and your kids don't resent you at all. Again that's just the heightened emotions of those very early years. You're a great mum. They'll be fine. Don't be so hard on yourself, or your DH. This will all be a blur in no time.

givemeaclue · 10/04/2013 12:38

I would feel same.

Coud you afford a local teenager type to come after school for a couple evening per week? I used to do this and it really helped, an extra pair hands, someone to play with/feed them etc. Someone else for them to climb on.

Mrneedy · 10/04/2013 12:45

Get them into a lovely nursery for an afternoon a week?
Mothers help for a couple of hours?
Someone to take them to the park?

It's not right, you are working/on call 24hrs a day.
He goes to work for what 8/9 hours?
SAHM still fit 8/9 hours when DS goes to school
I'm sure he wants to chill when he gets home, but don't we all??

givemeaclue · 10/04/2013 12:48

I don't think blaming eachother for the situation is helping, you are both tired at end of day but the positive from your post is that you work as a team to get bedtime over.

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