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AIBU?

Would we be arseholes if we got married, and didn't invite anyone?

155 replies

Theicingontop · 01/04/2013 19:01

We've finally decided to get married, but we don't want the fuss or expense that's associated with a wedding.

No party, no wedding dress, no suit hires... No guests.

We get the feeling that if we invited people who'd be really disappointed to have not been invited (like OH's dad and nana for instance), that we'd piss off everyone else. Kind of a, if you invite some you have to invite them all, situation.

And if you invite hordes of people they'll expect an actual wedding, won't they? And not us just popping into a building to sign some papers, which is what it will be. Anti-climactic and a waste of time, right?

So would we be selfish, unreasonable arseholes for not inviting anyone?

From what I've read on here I'll be doing the majority a massive favour by sparing them the faff of a wedding anyway

OP posts:

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Titsalinabumsquash · 01/04/2013 21:40

If DP and I ever get married I think we'll have this issue, DP has a big, involved family, I have a very tiny quite introvert family, I would want to go far away and spend a couple of days with Dz. and marry whilst there in a romantic hideaway. However I think it will be expected of us to have the whole shebang and I think DP will just go along with that as its tradition. I can't see there ever being a happy compromise...

Anyway, I digress. Do whatever makes you happy OP, it's yours and your partners lives, sod everyone else!

Eggsbon · 01/04/2013 21:41

We did it too - just a couple of friends as witnesses and our two children. We told our parents we were going to do it a month or so in advance, as I think they would have been upset to have found out after the event... No one was offended, we had a lovely, stress free day and didn't spend a fortune on one day. DO IT!

Horsemad · 01/04/2013 21:50

My sister did this - went on holiday in the UK and got married. It really upset my mum and caused a massive rift.
My mum didn't mind them getting married without family present but was upset she didn't know about it.

FinnTheHuman · 01/04/2013 21:54

We did this, we had PIL as witnesses. I had put getting married of for many years as I too hated the thought of being centre of attention.

I panic organising any event and feel sick for weeks beforehand, God knows what organising a wedding would have done to me.

My parents had passed so we thought we would not piss anyone off really.

It also negated having to make the choice of who would give me away after having several tearful phone calls from two brothers both claiming that they would do this.

Anyway, most family coped well apart from one of my brothers who has now avoided talking to me for 10 years. He has never met my DD. No big row or anything but he was disappointed apparently...

Hey ho :-(

Fudgemallowdelight · 01/04/2013 22:03

Would you want to be at your own children's wedding? If you wouldn't be bothered then go for it.

grovel · 01/04/2013 22:05

Do it.

nokidshere · 01/04/2013 22:18

We had a small wedding with just both sets of parents and my sisters. I didn't invite anyone else, including my BILs or their children. Everyone was happy.

If my dh had more family than just his mum and dad we would have eloped alone.

ImperialBlether · 01/04/2013 23:06

I would be devastated not to be invited to my children's weddings. I've brought them up alone since they were in primary school and I'd feel awful if they didn't want me there. The way I look at it is that someone has to be there as a witness - if they would rather some random stranger was there than their own parents, we've done something wrong.

I do know they wouldn't want to marry in secret because they're shy etc; even then I don't think it's much of a reason not to have your own parents there.

I can absolutely understand it if there have been fraught relations between you, but otherwise I would be really upset.

Mind you, last time I said that on here I was yelled down.

princesskc · 01/04/2013 23:10

My df did this but between him and dsm they have 6 children, they paid for 3 to go abroad with them only telling the other 3 days before they hopped on a plane to other side of the world. Still stings!

But your day op hope all runs smoothly and congratulations. Yanbu.

Skinidin · 01/04/2013 23:19

We did and I've never regretted it.
Got married in the front room of the registrar's house in

Go for it!

Skinidin · 01/04/2013 23:21

Dunvegan, iPad fail.

Actually I've got three kids and as I hate weddings I wouldn't mind not going to theirs.

magimedi · 01/04/2013 23:33

I haven't read the whole thread - but YANBU - just go & do it & save yourselves &everyone else from a whole lot of stress & aggro.

May you be very happy.

MusicalEndorphins · 02/04/2013 00:17

You would not be. We decided to just get married with 2 friends for witnesses. Then my aunt told me my dh's parents may like to see their only son get married, and so we invited his parents, grandparents, my mother, one aunt and uncle. Altogether we were a party of 12. We had a city hall wedding then lunch at a nice restaurant afterwards.
I would not be hurt if someone I knew eloped. It isn't about me, it is about them and everyone does not like to throw a big wedding and be centre of attention.

Cheesecakefan · 02/04/2013 00:30

I totally agree with twooter. I'd be hurt and disappointed if my dc did this. It'll be better for future family relationships if you consider people.

BitBewildered · 02/04/2013 00:47

DH and I had a registry office wedding, with two witnesses (his DM & DSF), changed and took the dogs out for a long walk and finally a lovely meal in a good restaurant. It was perfect.

MechanicalTheatre · 02/04/2013 03:03

Braaaaak, some of the replies on here are why I would HATE a family wedding. All this talk of being hurt and disappointed and it affecting future family relationships...it's all so smothering.

MrsHoarder · 02/04/2013 03:37

Twooter what I was getting at was that if there are DC/long term cohabiting then the family might be so relieved they've finally got married that the lack of a big wedding could be overcome.

My aunt did this and everyone was so glad they finally had legal protection that they didn't mind not being invited. If I'd done it after 6 months cohabiting otoh I suspect I would have faced a big family row.

IsThatTrue · 02/04/2013 04:11

YANBU.

DH and I did this, in Vegas none the less, while on holiday. Not even dcs were there. I had a dress (of sorts not an expensive wedding dress but a beautiful dress that I love) and DH had a suit and we got married on the edge of lake mead at sunset, with the professional photographer as the witness (you only need one in Nevada). It was perfect. Our family did know in advance and thankfully all accepted it. They all saved money (no presents, outfits etc) and we got the wedding we wanted.

I personally wouldn't be upset if my dcs decided to marry without me there. It's all personal choice and if I'd had to have family there I'd probably have not bothered tbh as logistically it would have been a nightmare!

mardyelsie · 02/04/2013 08:35

I got married on Saturday. It was me, DH and 3 DCs, BIL and SIL (witnesses), my parents and his Dad, so 10 of us in all. The ceremony took 10 minutes and then we all went to Pizza Express We went to the pub with friends in the evening. We had the best day, as it was how we wanted it. To be honest we had a few more guests than we originally wanted, but it was lovely.

Just do what you want, it's your wedding.

popcornpaws · 02/04/2013 11:02

No you would not be arseholes for not inviting anyone to your wedding, it's your day to do it the way you want.
You only need to read the other wedding posts on here at the moment to realise why people do it low key!
My wedding was exactly what i wanted, 6 guests, a nice meal, why anyone cares about colour schemes, seating plans, gift lists etc i just don't get it!

scottishtablet · 02/04/2013 11:05

I would be really hurt if my family weren't bothered about coming to my wedding.

EldritchCleavage · 02/04/2013 12:32

If I did this I don't think I would even announce it afterwards. OP, if it's just for you and your DH, no need for a big reveal that gives relatives a chance to get upset. I'd probably invite only closest family on the understanding that it will be a very quiet low-key do and you aren't going to budge on that.

I agree with those who say it must be a blow not to be invited to or told of your child's wedding. However, some parents are so unreasonable about weddings they do bring it on themselves. At my wedding all three of DH's best friends admitted that, were it not for family issues (divorced and still warring parents, other feuds, pressure to do it a certain way that costs mega-bucks etc) they would probably all have got married rather than co-habited. And I think that's deeply sad.

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fedupofnamechanging · 02/04/2013 12:33

I really wish I had done this.

As it is, we had a small wedding but fil fell out with dh's aunt, so dh had to drive hundreds of miles the day before, to fetch her. I really could have done with his help that day. Mil wanted the reception at her place, then got in a strop because the pressure was too much. I had relatives there that I could have done without, tbh.

I would have loved for me and dh to go away and do this privately - I don't understand why other people feel they should be there. To my mind it is a private pledge between the two people getting married and it feels a bit too intimate to have that witnessed by others.

With that in mind, I would not be offended at all if I didn't witness my dc's weddings. All I want is for them to marry someone who makes them happy.

I would buy a lovely dress though, if I were you. A low key wedding is just as special as a big, showy one and I think you might like to have had one, in years to come.

daddyorchipsdaddyorchips · 02/04/2013 12:56

Do it. My mum and step-dad eloped without telling anyone until six months later and although we were all surprised, that is how THEY wanted to do it, and we got over it!

Pandemoniaa · 02/04/2013 13:32

Both my sons are getting married in the next couple of years - one this autumn and the other later in 2014. Now I'd love to be at their weddings and I've no reason to assume I won't be (I'm doing the photography for ds1!) but ultimately, if they really wanted to go to the registry office and quietly get married without any of the family present then I'd accept this as their choice not a rejection of my parenting.

I'd genuinely hate for them to think they had to include me simply because I'd get upset. I want to be there because they want me there.

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