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AIBU?

Would we be arseholes if we got married, and didn't invite anyone?

155 replies

Theicingontop · 01/04/2013 19:01

We've finally decided to get married, but we don't want the fuss or expense that's associated with a wedding.

No party, no wedding dress, no suit hires... No guests.

We get the feeling that if we invited people who'd be really disappointed to have not been invited (like OH's dad and nana for instance), that we'd piss off everyone else. Kind of a, if you invite some you have to invite them all, situation.

And if you invite hordes of people they'll expect an actual wedding, won't they? And not us just popping into a building to sign some papers, which is what it will be. Anti-climactic and a waste of time, right?

So would we be selfish, unreasonable arseholes for not inviting anyone?

From what I've read on here I'll be doing the majority a massive favour by sparing them the faff of a wedding anyway

OP posts:

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girliefriend · 01/04/2013 20:22

My Godmum did this and i was a bit upset as would have loved to have been there but can understand why they did it that way. In the end they invited their parents up and went out for a meal, at the end of the meal they said 'oh and by the way we have decided to get married - this afternoon'

It worked for them although I think both sets of parents wished they had dressed up a little bit more!!

MaybeOrnot · 01/04/2013 20:23

You carry on. We had 2 witnesses,and a party the day after,for friends and family. That was 30 years ago.

Dawndonna · 01/04/2013 20:24

My wedding was us, the kids. Older son was a witness along with his best mate (both 18 at the time) 8 year old ds was best man and 6 year old dds bridesmaids. It was great!

scottishtablet · 01/04/2013 20:25

I would be gutted to upset his nana to be honest!

Do they come down at any times during the year- summer or Christmas? You could arrange it all before hand and then spring it on them that morning- say you're taking them to lunch or whatever- so that no one goes to too much hassle and no one has time to be pissed off?

willowstar · 01/04/2013 20:31

We did exactly that...got to the registry office 20 mins before our time slot which gave my other half just enough time to find some lovely witnesses who invited us back to their house for champagne afterwards, then we all went out for lunch! It was lovely, just perfect for us. My husband's mum was put out but as I don't like the woman that was a bonus :-)

Jelly15 · 01/04/2013 20:31

I would be disappointed not to see my DC getting married but so long as they are happy I would hide my feelings and be glad for them, so I say do it your way.

willowstar · 01/04/2013 20:35

Oh and we waited a year before we told anyone. Sounds odd but we had our reasons.

zippy539 · 01/04/2013 20:37

Congratulations.

You've got to have the wedding that YOU and dp want - parents, GP's etc all made decisions regarding their own weddings and now it's your turn to make the decision re yours.

My biggest regret about my otherwise lovely marriage is the actual wedding itself. We decided we just wanted something low-key - max 10/15 people then meal afterwards. Our mistake was in announcing this two months before the intended date. Next thing we had a guest list of 80 and the wedding had been postponed by four months because otherwise "there simply isn't time to organise everything'. Cue frantic calling up of MC's, florists, cake-makers etc and much muttering about expense. If we'd done it our way there would have been nothing to organise and little to spend but hey ho, we were young and impressionable and ended up going with the flow.

My parents and the ILs had a lovely time at our over-blown wedding but tbh I hated it - too formal, too fussy, too blah. Like a previous poster I don't display any photos (hate them too and also the poncy dress that my DM selected for me). I don't moan about it cos it would seem ungrateful but I really, really regret not doing the whole thing on the sly for a fraction of the price (for a more meaningful experience....)

Almostfifty · 01/04/2013 20:40

We did this. Just a couple of pals came along.

Doesn't seem to have bothered many people over the past 25 years...

PuzzleRocks · 01/04/2013 20:49

We did it and if he we had to do it a thousand times over we wouldn't change a thing. DH's father was a bit stunned when we told him beforehand but he respected our wishes. My mother, the most amazing mother I could hope for, was happy because I was happy. I know she would have preferred to be there but she never let on because she's not the sort to makes things about her and if possible I love her even more for how she reacted.

Family are very important to both of us but that particularly day was about us and no one else.

I love the joint birthday party idea. Brilliant.

PuzzleRocks · 01/04/2013 20:50

particular

olivertheoctopus · 01/04/2013 20:55

No, bollocks to everyone else it's your day. We CBA with a massive wedding and initially tried to get away with just us plus best mate and husband as witnesses but my dad was so distraught he couldn't speak to me for 3 weeks so we caved and had 10 close family for the civil ceremony and then cocktails afterwards (wedding was at 5pm) and then swanky meal just for DH, me and the two witnesses. Ticked all boxes and everyone (ish....) was happy.

Nanny0gg · 01/04/2013 20:58

I'd be happy if my children wanted a small, private wedding, but I would be very upset not to be at such an important occasion in their lives.

DeepRedBetty · 01/04/2013 21:13

My parent's did it back in the sixties, they rang their mothers that morning to tell them to be in Kensington Registry Office if they wanted to see the marriage, then lunch in Soho. My grannies were happily united in moaning about it, but both made it.

whosiwhatsit · 01/04/2013 21:19

We did this for a whole host of reasons - the expense, the fact that we have no interest in being the centre of attention, plus we couldn't be arsed to organise a big wedding. Also due to family and friends being far away, travel being difficult for some parents, plus my parents not getting along with each other, his parents not getting on either, and potentially not getting on with each other due to severe religious and political differences. Basically we felt a big wedding would be a nightmare given our circumstances and didn't want to touch one with a barge pole. But we did want to be married.

We had two local friends as witnesses and got married b the registrar. It was lovely, we had champagne (well i did, hubby was driving and doesnt reLly like to drink anyway) and cake and them went out just the two of us for lunch and more cake. We wouldn't change a thing and are very happy with how our day turned out.

My family was absolutely fine with it - relieved, actually, that they would have the hassle and expense of traveling. His family was mostly fine with it but did joke that we were cheating them out of a party! Our true friends didn't mind, either. However funnily enough it was our work colleagues who objected! Not that they necessarily would have been invited to the wedding, but just that they found it I credible we didn't want any fuss made off it. They ended up organising a cake and cha,page and balloons for us, and one of the big bosses begged us to let him chauffeur us in a decorated car to and from the venue. He wanted to wear a driving cap and have us sitting in the back! Because apparently driving ourselves there was a ridiculous idea. It was really nice of them but made us feel a bit strange like we were just being sad and eccentric not to have a "real" wedding. So it's good to see on here that many others were similar to us. We haven't been married long but are ridiculously happy and are so glad we can get on with our married lives without huge wedding debts to pay for.

MechanicalTheatre · 01/04/2013 21:25

Nanny, don't you think that it's up to them though? Maybe it's NOT an important occasion in their life or maybe it is something that is incredibly private to them.

Ratata · 01/04/2013 21:26

I think it's a bit of a shame not to invite your parents at least. If you have a child and they got married but you didn't get to see it, wouldn't you be a bit upset? I know I would. A small intimate wedding is all very well but if you have a good relationship with parents then I think they should be there for such an important event. Better still would be parents, grandparents and siblings. Close family. Still small and celebrated with those you are closest to. Just my opinion. U

Beatrixpotty · 01/04/2013 21:26

I think it is fine if you tell people what you are doing and why..My sister got married abroad in secret and her and her husband came and announced it afterwards,nobody really minded that she wanted a v low key wedding,but parents in particular were upset that they didn't know first.

Ratata · 01/04/2013 21:26

Ignore the "U" at the end of last sentence...

Oddsod · 01/04/2013 21:27

We eloped, saved a fortune and eliminated stress.

Nanny0gg · 01/04/2013 21:30

MechanicalTheatre
Of course it's up to them.
But I'd still be upset.

thezebrawearspurple · 01/04/2013 21:33

Sounds ideal

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ChilliJo · 01/04/2013 21:36

If OH and I ever get round to it (I want to, he's been stalling for eleven years ) this is exactly how we'll do it. I want to be married, I have no desire for a wedding.

Fudgemallowdelight · 01/04/2013 21:38

I'd invite immediate family so as not to leave them feeling hurt.

twooter · 01/04/2013 21:39

I would be gutted not to be at my dc or siblings'weddings. I would be polite enough not to let them know, but I would still be gutted. I don't believe that all the relatives of people here have been ok with it - I bet a lot have just hidden it well.

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