to pretend I didn't get paid?

[MariefromStMoritz]

I feel so naughty writing that, but please hear me out...

Me and DH are really broke right now. I have just returned from Mat Leave and get my first salary in the next few days, probably Friday. DH gets paid on Monday. To give you an indication of how broke we are, I get a free lunch at work, which I have been bringing home to feed us all. I therefore have nothing to eat all day because of it. My last pair of tights got a hole in them yesterday, but I have to wear them today because I have no others. Not only that, but DS desperately needs new shoes, his socks are too small, the baby has hardly any toys or books. Basically, I need to spend some money on us.

So the in-laws are coming to stay for a long weekend. They are quite well-off, but hardly ever put their hands in their pockets. They are notoriously mean. Consequently, we pay for everything. It is partly our fault, because we always feel obliged to take them out, etc. But then you don't want to sit on the sofa for 4 days. It invariably ends up costing us a fortune when they stay here which is why I am thinking...

If I get paid on Friday, pretending that I didn't. Is that really bad? I just don't want to have to spend all my money on food, petrol, etc. then have nothing left for us. This will mean that they will have to pay for anything we do, which I feel bad about. But we did tell them it was a bad time to come as I had just gone back to work, so not much money (amongst other things), but they wanted to come anyway.

AIBU?

[Ionasky]

I don't think you sound whiney, lie or not, you shouldn't waste the money you've worked for and want to spend on the kids. The money issue might go away but agree you need to stop spending money when they come. Suggest they go to a park instead of a museum plus a library, there must be free things you can get to?

[musicismylife]

Oh no, looks like you'll be sitting on the sofa with them for days...

[Pigsmummy]

I would ask them to reshedule, suggest bank holiday in May instead? and in the mean time tell them that you haven't got a lot of spare money so it will be lunch at home rather than out etc? They might be very happy not to do a lot, if they suggest trips out then don't pay for everything, eat where you have to prepay and ask for their money upfront?

[musicismylife]

If they haven't dipped in their pockets now, what makes you think they ever will?

Selfish, springs to mind.

[MariefromStMoritz]

I am good at money management. I have said £300 max. I also need some things: tights, haven't had a new toothbrush for a year, haven't had any conditioner since before Christmas... that kind of thing. Also, I don't live in the UK, so no Argos, no Asda, no libraries, no charity shops.

[SirBoobAlot]

I don't think you should lie, tell them outright. Work out some free stuff to do whilst they're down.

[expatinscotland]

They are already coming to say because you are wet. That's by the by now. But your DH's and your behaviour can either carry on as always, and you'll blow it all on your ILs whilst you go to work in holey tights and go without meals, or you can get a spine and end the gravy train for them. NO jacket spuds and pasta with 40p sauce, which you probably can't get because you are not in the UK, freezing to death in a park, etc. They stump up or get a hotel. Tell them now so they are prepared and don't have an excuse for not putting their hands in their pockets.

[storynanny]

I agree with posters who have said tell them you can't afford to entertain them, they need to know or it may be a problem that occurs again and again. I also agree with those who have said feed them cheap stuff.
My ex MIL had "long pockets and short arms" , only ate cake when she came to ours, so I just stopped making them. She also always " forgot" to take her purse out when we went out for a walk with the children, her grandchildren, and therefore never ever bought them so much as an ice cream. So I used to say, sorry it's only ice creams for the children today, only just got enough money for them. She never ever took the hint but at least I wasn't spending money on a mean person that I didn't have.
Meanness is a most unpleasant trait in anyone, especially if, like my ex MIL they have loads of money.

[SirBoobAlot]

What age / show size is your son? I have a bunch of outgrown boys shoes that I keep forgetting to stick on ebay ranging from a 3.5 to a 7.

[expatinscotland]

' I also need some things: tights, haven't had a new toothbrush for a year, haven't had any conditioner since before Christmas... that kind of thing.'

When you don't have money for basics like this, you are not good at money management. Either that or you're one of those women with a controlling fuckwit tightwad for a husband who forces you to semi-starve and use your own savings after giving birth to his children. In which case, his entertaining his folks whilst his wife brings up a free lunch to feed his children is the least of your problems.

[expatinscotland]

'Meanness is a most unpleasant trait in anyone, especially if, like my ex MIL they have loads of money.'

It's always those with the most who are the tightest.

[CinnabarRed]

Couldn't agree more, expat.

[MariefromStMoritz]

expatinscotland, those are some extreme assumptions you are making there! I had to stop work very suddenly a year ago. We also had to employ childcare because I couldn't take DS to school. That has put us in an awful postion financially.

That is the only reason.

[CinnabarRed]

But, OP, the point is still that while in dire straights financially (which you will be for a few months more, once you've started working aginn), your DH wants to spend the money you have on his parents' entertainment and not on necessities.

[MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket]

I do think in a way that expat has a point. Tesco value toothbrushes are around 30p, as it Value conditioner. Tights are £1 for 4 pairs in Primark.

I don't mean this in a horrible way Marie, but I think to be that destitute that you can't afford a few basic essentials for yourself it probably means that you could organise your finances a little better. Hopefully now you are working again this will help things to sort themselves out. I really feel for you that you've been having to take your meal from work home for the family but seriously, one meal between four of you? What are your children eating in the day if you are totally penniless? I don't mean any of this in a horrible way but I think it would be worth looking at your finances and seeing if you can organise things a little more efficiently.

[expatinscotland]

Fair enough, but then why not tell the ILs no if you know what they are like when they visit? Times are tough, you can't afford a toothbrush or food, and yet have them over when you know they expect to be well-fed and watered at your expense and your husband is too wet to tell them otherwise?

[TanteRose]

yes, but OP doesn't live in the UK, so maybe there are no value places

(are you really in StMoritz, Marie?? - if so, then Switzerland is ridiculous expensive...)

I still think it is your DH that is the problem

[MariefromStMoritz]

I live in one of the most expensive countries on the planet.

[RenterNomad]

I would do the shopping online immediately, so:

• the money is already spent, leaving nothing for fripperies
  
• the best value is online anyway
  

The ILs and your H need tackling, though, H first and foremost, as you won't get anywhere with his parents without him.

Sorry you are having a hard time from other posters as well, even after YOO-HOO, THE OP HAS EXPLAINED ABOUT THE £300'S BEING AN EXAMPLE; SHE'S NOT REALLY GOING TO SPEND THAT MUCH!

I have a friend in France, who's regaled me with tales if the lack of cheapo/ second hand outlets. It's s similar tale in various other parts of Europe, especially Eastern Europe.

[LIZS]

but even then not all local residents can afford the higher price items . There is normally a market or low-cost equivalent supermarket brands.

[MariefromStMoritz]

I can't imagine only paying 30p for a toothbrush. Or 25p for a pair of tights. Love the idea of going online and spending all my wages . Can you imagine DH: "Marie, how much money do you have?". Me: "Nothing. I have spent it all".

[MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket]

Ooops sorry Marie, I must have missed the posts about you living abroad.

Have you got family over in the UK? If essentials are really pricey where you are it might be worth getting a family member to send you over a parcel twice a year of toothbrushes, tights, all those little things that we can get here for rock bottom prices but that are probably sky high in cost where you live

[NonnoMum]

Is there a charity that you can apply for for help?

In the meantime, noodles to eat, park for entertainment.

[LIZS]

Whya charity ? The issue isn't cashflow any more, just agreeing priorities for how it is spent.