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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pretend I didn't get paid?

200 replies

MariefromStMoritz · 27/03/2013 02:27

I feel so naughty writing that, but please hear me out...

Me and DH are really broke right now. I have just returned from Mat Leave and get my first salary in the next few days, probably Friday. DH gets paid on Monday. To give you an indication of how broke we are, I get a free lunch at work, which I have been bringing home to feed us all. I therefore have nothing to eat all day because of it. My last pair of tights got a hole in them yesterday, but I have to wear them today because I have no others. Not only that, but DS desperately needs new shoes, his socks are too small, the baby has hardly any toys or books. Basically, I need to spend some money on us.

So the in-laws are coming to stay for a long weekend. They are quite well-off, but hardly ever put their hands in their pockets. They are notoriously mean. Consequently, we pay for everything. It is partly our fault, because we always feel obliged to take them out, etc. But then you don't want to sit on the sofa for 4 days. It invariably ends up costing us a fortune when they stay here which is why I am thinking...

If I get paid on Friday, pretending that I didn't. Is that really bad? I just don't want to have to spend all my money on food, petrol, etc. then have nothing left for us. This will mean that they will have to pay for anything we do, which I feel bad about. But we did tell them it was a bad time to come as I had just gone back to work, so not much money (amongst other things), but they wanted to come anyway.

AIBU?

OP posts:
armagh · 27/03/2013 10:40

I am with Cinnabar and Enorma...How does your dh expect to pay to entertain / feed his parents if your salary does not come in? Is he as mean as his parents? It seems very strange. He wants to collect his parents from the airport in your car and you have just enough fuel to get to work and not enough money to buy more. Strange. He is a problem methinks. 'He would know i had been paid if i bought a jar of pasta sauce' and yet he thinks you can afford to entertain his parents. And his ds has to wear socks that are too small for him.Very, very odd.

Original poster
MariefromStMoritz · 27/03/2013 10:40

No, but really, I am so broke that if I came home with a jar of pasta sauce, DH would get suspicious. Yes, I am aware of how ridiculous that sounds Grin

And I just want to point out again that this is a short-term situation for us, we will be fine. We don't deserve sympathy. Not for our financial situation, anyway.

OP posts:
MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket · 27/03/2013 10:40

Well done for making a decision Marie.

I hope the inlaws surprise you this weekend and take you all out for a meal or maybe treat the children to new clothes/shoes. I know if my parents visited us and we were skint they would stock our cupboards up and buy the things the children needed.

Original poster
MariefromStMoritz · 27/03/2013 10:42

MiniEggs, my parents would do that as well, and they've got no money because they have been on benefits for years.

Let's see... maybe the ILs will surprise us.

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 27/03/2013 10:48

Marie, to be honest you sound as bad as the parents and the in laws. You feel obliged to pay all this every time they come? You are planing on spending £300 on those items? It sounds like none of you have particularly good money management.

I suggest you sit down with your husband, draw up a budget, and work out what you can feasibly afford each month, and stick to it. I would also suggest working out a plan of action for when you have visitors; i.e. saving a bit more beforehand if you're insistent on spending loads, planning free trips to museums etc. with cheap picnics, or discussing with the in laws that you will pay for activities one day and they will pay the next.

You all need to get a handle on your finances, even when you're on more of an even keel with your wages. It's just sensible.

AndWhenYouGetThere · 27/03/2013 10:53

Tell your husband the situation - it's his job to break it to his parents that he's not putting their entertainment above food/essentials for the family.
And if he doesn't agree - there's some serious conversations to be had.

Original poster
MariefromStMoritz · 27/03/2013 11:03

StuntGirl, actually I am really good at money management. The figure os £300 came out of the air. I have no idea how much a playpen is, I am just guessing. And the other stuff... I don't know. But I am guessing £300 max. It's just a guess and a generous one at that.

OP posts:
TheChaoGoesMu · 27/03/2013 11:11

Jeez, lose the bank cards op, then dh can't talk you into anything. And whilst the inlaws are there have strong word about the fact that you couldn't afford to go out anyway, as you are skint. Give them a few board games to play with or something. That should keep thrm busy. I cant believe their cheek really, I could never do that to my children / grandchildren.

CinnabarRed · 27/03/2013 11:13

Where do you live? I have an entirely unused playpen (still in its original box in the attic) which is yours if you want it - but I can't afford to post it! If you can collect it from South Bucks then PM me.

randomchats · 27/03/2013 11:16

Marie- what is your husband's plan for his parents this weekend as he thinks you have no money?

NotMostPeople · 27/03/2013 11:17

Stick to your guns and keep posting while they're with you to keep your resolve.

KittiesInsane · 27/03/2013 11:20

Yes, just say the word and playpens could arrive on your doorstep from all round the country!
Mine is a striking shade of red with a dalmatian on it. Can't quite bring myself to throw it out,

LIZS · 27/03/2013 11:22

Budget pasta sauce is less than 40p a jar iirc, likewise basic tinned tomatoes and pasta. If you have even £5 I'm sure you could come up with a basic meal as a one-off. What is dh eating at lunchtime , is he similarly not eating all day or just you ?

parachutesarefab · 27/03/2013 11:24

I do have sympathy, but would say YABU. Don't lie, but you and DH need to have a good chat about your finances. This will probably sound a bit harsh, but please hear me out.

This week you had no money for food. Yet you planned to buy a takeaway on Friday, and spend £300 on things for the kids, a lot of which you don't need, or could get cheaper. What something goes wrong with the car, or you get another unexpected bill? Either you will have been paid so much by then that that won't be a problem (in which case splashing out, a little, on the in laws wouldn't be either), or you risk not having enough money for food (again).

You have to prioritise. How much do you NEED for food (excellent suggestions earlier for cheap meals, homemade soup is also brilliant)? And bills? And essentials for the DC (shoes, not toys, books and playpen). Getting to work. That can't be touched for anything else.

With what is left, you should put some aside as a 'rainy day fund' - for unexpected expenses. Only after that look at non-essentials.

Your shopping list:
shoes & socks - £50 Clarks shoes, supermarket socks (much cheaper shoes available)
2 school shirts - £10

school jumper - £20 (assuming has to be expensive one with school logo)
name tag for bag why? make one / write on the bag.
babygros - £10 (for 6, supermarket)
vests - £5 (6)
socks - £3 (5 pairs)
leggings - £10 (for 4)
playpen - I think not essential. But if there is a good reason - could you borrow a travel cot from a friend? Last resort - buy for £40.
a few toys & books - Go to the library. Use DS's old toys, cardboard boxes, plastic bowls etc. If you must - something 'new' for £2 in a charity shop / second hand sale.

That's £110, without a playpen, £150 with. Possible to do a lot cheaper, especially if there are any nearly new sales on. Kids don't care whether something is second hand.

I do understand that you want to treat your DC, but when things are this tight that should be with money left at the end of the month (when you're about to be paid again), not money that you might need for something else.

If you don't already use it I'd recommend moneysavingexpert.com, there is lots of good advice on there.

I think the inlaws are a separate issue. So plan to do free, or very cheap things with them. Park, library, walks, playing in the snow, reading, boardgames. If they suggest anything else "sorry, we can't afford it". Maybe they are mean, and have no concept of skint; maybe they don't think you are, as when they visit you buy takeaway, DH ferries them round to expensive places etc.

Good luck for the weekend. At least they'll only be with you for 4 days!

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 27/03/2013 11:27

Good on you for making a decision, OP! Bugger all these suggestions for cheap meals and crap picnics; you don't need to pander to them, especially if they are as mean and thick-skinned as you say.

I wouldn't lie, just tell DH in advance what you've planned/thought about doing during their visit (free museums/activities at home/whatever else is within your means) and tell them the same, either ahead or when they arrive.

Money worries or not, it's plain thoughtless and piss-taking to come and stay with someone and not pay for at least some of the expenses of the visit.

MajorDivvy · 27/03/2013 11:38

Good for you op! Grin

armagh · 27/03/2013 11:41

I still think your dh's attitude is very strange.

DorisIsWaiting · 27/03/2013 11:46

£30 for the kids is a lot for that last. You could easily pick up a playpen for £10 from Gumtree or Ebay.

Have you thought abot speaking to anyone about your finances together as going out and spending £300 on the kids seems a bit unrealistic, given you have no savings to fall back on and were reduced to eating the free meal from work with your family.

Surely it would be more sensible to start a savings account with at least some of the money from your salary for when the car or boiler breaks etc.

There are loads of cheap /free things that you can do with the relations, local beauty spots parks etc

ElliesWellies · 27/03/2013 11:51

I really think there is some room for compromise here. I understand you want to treat your DC, but if you're setting a budget of £300, you can get them what you need to, plus a couple of nice bits, and still be able to afford a takeaway or two. Though agree that your PILs should chip in.

NorthernLurker · 27/03/2013 11:53

Op - I seem to remember from your previous posts that you aren't in the UK are you?

Might have been helpful to point that out to the 100 or so people who've tried to help you. I think Rebecca's assessment of your 'tone' is absolutely on the spot tbh.

CinnabarRed · 27/03/2013 12:01

TBF, the OP's name (now I come to focus on it) does imply that she is, in fact, in St Moritz....

StuntGirl · 27/03/2013 12:06

With all due respect OP it really doesn't sound like it!

assumpta · 27/03/2013 12:10

I really don't understand this. Tell your in laws you dont have money. If you can't afford something, you can't afford it. I know a lot of people say they can't afford stuff, but whine on about not being able to have a holiday and things that they don't actually NEED, be it flat screen tv's or any other luxury i.e. takeaways. These are not necessities!

Who on earth goes to visit someone else and expects them to pay for them to do things or pay for meals out? Do any of you? I certainly don't.

HotCrossPun · 27/03/2013 12:25

I think your biggest problem is the fact you have to lie to your DH about getting paid.

You should be able to have a conversation with him, tell him that you don't want to spend any of your wage on his parents visit. That is fair enough and shouldn't require much debate.

You need to be honest with your PIL. If you haven't made your situation crystal clear you can't blame them for not understanding how skint you are. You have already told them you are skint - but in the past you have paid for meals out and excursions. That is why they don't understand your situation.

Good luck with the visit, hope things start to look up for you soon.

LIZS · 27/03/2013 12:26

I think it may be historical . They have a certain expectation of their lifestyle and may now find it rather different.