Wibu to have given DH an ultimatum over WOW?

[Moominlandmidwinter]

This could be long, so sorry in advance.

Feel utterly fed up and down in the dumps.

Am currently on maternity leave after having DD4, aged 6 months. Going back to work in June. DH works 4 shifts per week, 2 evenings, and 2 days. Before I went on mat leave, he assured me that he wouldn't leave me to do all of the housework, cooking etc. This has gone out of the window. He does do the school run, but won't do much else, as he uses the excuse that he 'works for a living'. He spends his non-working time either playing World of Warcraft, or watching TV whilst lying in bed. One morning per week he plays badminton.

Today, I felt as though it was the final straw. The DCs were falling out, DD2 has had a tummy bug so have done 6 loads of washing in 2 days, inbetween breastfeeding and looking after the baby, I've worked my backside off to stop the house looking like a shithole. The baby started crying, wanting a cuddle, I was in the kitchen, washing up after lunch. His lunch was still sitting on the table, uneaten, as he was in the middle of a 'raid'. He continued to ignore the baby, I saw red, and turned the PC off at the base. He went ballistic. I told him that I'm sick of clearing up around him, and being ignored for up to seven hours per day, and that he needs to choose between World of Warcraft and our marriage.

DH then stormed out of the house, and drove off, leaving me with the DCs. He knew full well that I was going to leave in 10 minutes to go to a breastfeeding support group at our surestart centre. Going to such groups has been a bit of a lifeline for me, as I actually get some conversation, and it's the only social life I have these days.

2 hours later, he was back. He made a half-hearted attempt at making up, by showing me wine he'd bought for our trip away with family at the end of the week. I told him I wasn't sure if I'd be going (considering staying home with baby). This send him upstairs in another mood, and he went to work without saying goodbye.

So WIBU in turning off the PC? For the ultimatum? For brushing off his non-apology?

[CocktailQueen]

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FFS. This thread has really made me cross. What a lazy selfish twat. WTF is the point of being on a bloody computer game all his life, and missing out on real life, and leaving you to do everything, THEN criticising you????? Fuck. Plus, don't get him to 'help' - get him to DO HIS SHARE. He's not 'helping' you with his own children!!!

[McNewPants2013]

How are you today OP

[RalphGnu]

YANBU! My partner plays and it drives me mad. I wouldn't care if it was an hour a night but oh no, it has to be all night until bed. We barely talk actually because he sits with his headphones in.

This, exactly, used to happen in my house every night. DP would be there in person but completely emotionally unavailable. Once I'd cooked a lovely meal and he ignored it for 30 mins because he was in the middle of a raid, so it went in the bin.

We couldn't go out because he had to take part in a raid at 8, or he had things to sell at fucking auction or some such guff. He would come through the door from work, take his coat off and immediately sit and start playing. DS would try to get his attention and be ignored and that was it for me, really. How dare he give DS the message that WOW was more important than him?

He still plays it, too much really, but only after DS is in bed. And things are difficult between us atm, so I'm happy for him to sit with his earphones in because then I don't have to have a conversation with him...but that's by the by.

WOW is addictive.

[ErrorError]

YADNBU! WoW was a massive bone of contention between ex-P and I. Not ultimately the reason why we split up, but his incessant use of it and ignoring me and his responsibilities was surely a symptom and cause of other deep rooted problems in the relationship. He'd have periods of quitting completely and we'd be fine but as soon as he signed up again and joined a Guild, I might as well have not existed. These sorts of games I think are tricky to judge because his excuse was it was a 'hobby', and some people can treat it as such, but he had an addictive personality and when gaming borders on obsession and everyday things get neglected because of it, it's a serious concern. WoW has even been cited in divorce papers! How I wish that was a joke.

I personally would not have pulled the plug on DH's computer. But have a frank discussion when he is able to give you his undivided attention. From experience as well, when bringing it up, do say how it makes you feel but don't let that be the focus, because I focused on 'feelings' and 'being ignored' and my ex-P turned it around and made me look like a hysterical nag. What you do need to do is stress the practical issues it's creating. e.g. him neglecting housework and not paying attention to the children. Being with a gamer is quite exhausting sometimes and I'm honestly not sure I'd do it again. Good luck OP!

[trikken]

We're both gamers in this house, but not when chores are to be done or kids are about. If we both do the jobs the jobs get done quicker and then we can both join in. It shouldnt be one parent doing all the work and the other having all the fun. I'd be giving him a kick up the arse by now if mine were the same.

[JCDenton]

"Gaming should only happen after other duties have been performed, in your free time."

That's hit the nail on the head. I hate leaving thing undone, so I save it for when I have all the chores done and everyone is happy.

Also, 7 hours a day? I think I've been hitting the games hard if I top 7 hours a week

[anklebitersmum]

I had one like this. I got rid. Swore he'd change time and time again and didn't. Last straw was the neighbour waiting on my doorstep saying

"your son nearly drowned this afternoon in my pool. He hadn't noticed he'd gone & didn't notice I was stood with a wet boy at the door either"

He took the all entitled view that 'he worked full time' too. Obviously my 20hrs a week was chopped liver but that's a different thread

Playstation not WOW but it needs nipping in the bud now before you end up where I was..divorced.

[wanderingcloud]

I agree with posters saying Wow is irrelevant really as he's being a selfish idiot. Yanbu to lose your temper and turn it off, you're only human and it sounds like you hit breaking point. The bfing housework thing is utterly ridiculous. What an idiot.

[Velve]

I'm a gamer myself and I have to say WoW was the single most addictive game for me. You waste so many hours on it and lose all sense of time. I realised this, though, and stopped. I still miss it sometimes as it was a great way to escape but that is exactly what it is, escapism
Gaming should only happen after other duties have been performed, in your free time. You OH is not pulling his weight at all then huffs and puffs when confronted. How childish is that.
YANBU at all.
He also sounds deeply stupid in his assumptions about breastfeeding. And I only have one child (needy 6 month old) and I barely keep up with the housework, but my OH, thankfully, understands that. Your H sounds like he is really not listening or observing.

[LemonPeculiarJones]

OP he sounds like a prick. Whether he plays WoW or not.

[Skygirls]

This is how bad it can get... Show your DH this article
www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/mar/05/korean-girl-starved-online-game

[weegiemum]

We have a "screen time after tea" rule. Half an hour on weekdays. An hour on weekends. For us and the dc clearly this does not apply to my sitting down MN time through the day .

My girls like to play on the pc, ds on the ps3 and dh plays Runescape. We have an agreement that he plays it on the 2 nights he's away with work a week, we can agree on it on other nights, never on Friday or Sunday nights!

[AThingInYourLife]

He really sounds like a right cunt.

He wants you to stop breastfeeding your baby so you can be his skivvy?

He considers that as he "works for a living" he should not care for his children or do any housework?

He thinks you do not "work for a living" despite being on maternity leave from your job?

WoW is just the thing that's showing of his chauvinism to full advantage.

He could be an addicted gamer without the misogyny.

But in his case he actually genuinely believes that your home life is unimportant for a big man like him.

[Lueji]

So, if you stop breastfeeding you'll have more time?
How about if he stops WOW?

Personally, I'd get on the game myself, get to it first when he's home and let him get on with family life by himself.

How exactly has he agreed to cut back? It seems too vague to be taken seriously.

[edwardsmum11]

Yanbu, I used to play these games before my son and was addicted. Hubby still plays and our rule is only when our son is sleeping and mostly it works, although I have caught him playing at times.

[Moominlandmidwinter]

Ha ha! Think he would get suspicious if I start asking about his realm etc. Good idea though!

The breastfeeding comment was a response to me explaining that I do need some time for r & r too, as apart from all of the housework, I have to look after the DC, and spent 9 months pregnant and sometimes find bfeeding draining. He said that surely when I'm bfeeding, I'm 'having a rest' as I'm sitting down. True to an extent (as I do get to mnet at this time), but I'm nourishing another person! It's hardly 'me' time.

Could start a whole new thread about the breastfeeding thing. He was pointedly asking me at what point does breastfeeding become more about benefitting the mother emotionally than benefitting the baby. She's 6 months old, ffs, not 10. She has absolutely thrived on breastmilk, and I have no intention of stopping for a good while yet.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

OMG I have an image of the poor man yeah, right being accosted by various characters, telling him to stop being a knobber.

Can anyone go on CoD and tell my DH to wash up?

[ChocolateTeacup]

WhoWhatWhereWhen - Ha !! what's his character called and what realm is he on, I'll "tell him to get some chores done"
Same!!

[WhoWhatWhereWhen]

Ha !! what's his character called and what realm is he on, I'll "tell him to get some chores done"

[SirBoobAlot]

He told you to stop breastfeeding because you aren't doing enough housework? And what exactly does he think will happen then? That baby will start getting herself a sandwich when she's peckish?

The man is a complete twat.

I'd be uninstalling the game once he'd gone to bed, frankly. He won't 'cut down'.

[coppertop]

My guess is that he's trying to keep you on side long enough to convince you to go on the trip. He doesn't want to either miss the trip himself or have to answer any awkward questions about why you're not there.

When you get back, the WoW will be around 4 or 5hrs a day. If you question this he'll tell you that he has indeed "cut down" as promised, as he's no longer on there for 7hrs a day. His assurances about the computer will be as empty as the assurances he gave you about doing his share of the work when you went on mat leave.

The comment about the baby bf'ing is the sign of a very selfish man indeed.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

" He did wind me up a bit by saying that I have long enough over the week to get the housework done myself, and that if breastfeeding DD is taking so much time, I should consider stopping."
If he really believes that, then he needs to prove to you that it can be done. He needs to take a week off work and show you how it's done. You might want to make it easy for him, you could go away for the week with DC4, so all he'd have to manage would be three DC and all the housework. You would look forward to coming back to a spotless well-oiled machine of a household ...

The breastfeeding comment is beyond fuckwittery however.

[dreamingbohemian]

Was he at all specific about in what way, how much he will cut down? Or was it a generic 'I'll cut down'?

Because as any addict will tell you, a generic 'I'll cut down' doesn't mean jack.

It's fair enough to give him a little bit of time to think about what he can realistically commit to as a lower amount -- perhaps when he is away, as he probably won't be playing then? But I think you should be very clear that you want a specific answer very soon.

[Xales]

He thinks you should stop breast feeding to fit in the housework!

That says all you need to know.

Selfish wanker.

I think you should carry on breast feeding and cut down the time on doing his washing, his ironing, his cooking, his cleaning.