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MNHQ have commented on this thread

AIBU?

for not helping her when she was really ill and screaming?

336 replies

ariane5 · 22/03/2013 10:32

This is a long story sorry.

I currently go to my mums house every day as dcs all unwell and my mum lives near dcs school and helps me, as does my sister.
I don't drive so can't manage to get dcs about by bus etc due to their health problems.

My sister has epilepsy and when she is well she helps me a lot (esp since my dd2 was diagnosed diabetic in dec).when she herself is ill I am there so I help her which means my mum doesn't have to leave work.
The thing is she has a lot of absence seizures and she screams, cries out, goes rigid and doesn't know where she is, she also swears a LOT during them which is not nice for dcs to hear.
She wants somebody to hold her hand till it passes which I try to do but its so difficult as often she is upstairs so I have to leave dcs downstairs and she then won't let go of me and I worry if dcs are ok. I dread it when the call goes up she suddenly screams out and I have to run to her.

Today I heard her and my heart sank-I know its not her fault, she was probably scared but I didn't go up to her, I took dd1 dd2 and ds2 into the kitchen so they didn't hear and ten mins later I checked her to see she was ok and pretended I didn't hear.

Don't get me wrong, I love my sister but the baby gets scared or he cries then in her confused state it makes dsis jump and she gets more confused or she swears then dd2 copies and its horrible.

I feel so so bad for ignoring somebody who was screaming for help.

OP posts:

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Thumbwitch · 23/03/2013 15:21

No, it's not her fault that she's ill but it bloody is her fault if she's milking it! Sorry, that made me cross, especially being jealous of the attention your DD1 got, that's so off.
Yes it must be hard being that ill, but still!

I think you have realised that you need to step back, so I won't keep pushing that - but your sister has to realise that her illness CANNOT be the focal point of EVERYONE around her, that's beyond selfish of her.

cjel · 23/03/2013 15:24

It is so hard for you,your last post made me sad, it isn't fair or part of her illness to make her shun dd1, if you really think that sometimes it is attention seeking then is it any easier for you to step back and live differently. It may be good to say that it was impossible for you to give the care your baby needed when she was ill and are going to stop coming to the house as your family has to be your priority now. Don't let her make your dd1 feel sad, don't let her be in that postion. I know you don't have much but think about using your energy to make your DCs priority. If you have an easy day with DCs you could always rest or do something fun?? and not have to be chasing your tail.

KateSMumsnet · 23/03/2013 15:32

Us again,

Just a quick note to say to the OP if you want this thread moved to General Health or SN just let us know.

Big thank you to all the posters offering wonderful advice as usual.

Oopla · 23/03/2013 21:42

Ariane, been thinking about you all day. So glad you spoke to your DH and that you posited here and can hopefully see your situation more clearly.

Time to make some changes, we're all here for you x

Oopla · 23/03/2013 21:43

Posted*

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs · 24/03/2013 14:56

Hope you're feeling OK.

ariane5 · 24/03/2013 23:06

I am ok, had a busy day so couldn't get on here till now.

Dd2 has been having quite low blood sugars today so it has been a case of watching her closely/frequent blood sugar tests as her hypos last week were horrible.

Ds2 has been grumpy all day as has a horrendous cold (never knew that somebody so small could produce so much snot!). I am feeling a lot better and am hoping to get to see gp tomorrow.
Dsis away for a couple of days with her bf so I will be able to speak to my mum properly without having to tread on eggshells as dsis won't be there, not her fault but she does not like us talking about her at all.

Dh has been lovely to me today, I don't think he realised how hard things have been for me and how exhausted I've been but I feel so much better now that he knows the pressure I have been under trying to help everybody (and failing).

OP posts:

FannyFifer · 24/03/2013 23:45

Your description is like no seizure I have ever seen, I'm a LD nurse & have seen prob thousands of different seizures.

Your sister sounds like she has serious mental health issues that need to be addressed.

How does her boyfriend cope with it?

ariane5 · 24/03/2013 23:50

They have been together roughly a year so early days but she keeps a lot of it from him I think (stays in and doesn't see him on bad days) so he doesn't see the full impact.

Her episodes seem to me like focal seizures (I read on ep action site about them yest) dsis gets odd smell thing/screaming/panic etc. Its hard to help her she doesn't know what's going on when it occurs.

OP posts:

nannyof3 · 24/03/2013 23:57

Baby in playpen... Even 3 year old too... Ok, he has hypos but surely this should/could be controlled with a correct diet and medication????

Take the 11 year old upstairs with u..

Surely the house cant be that dangerous????

FannyFifer · 25/03/2013 00:15

But how can she arrange to go away for a couple of days with him then?
If she has been unwell & having seizures all week then surely that will continue?

AmberLeaf · 25/03/2013 00:47

Your Mum needs to stop putting it all on you.

You need to put yourself and your children first.

your sister sounds incredibly manipulative.

Your family appear to be using you and your good nature/need for approval to have you as their skivvy.

Put your needs first for a change before you run yourself into the ground.

Your sister sounds like the golden child and you appear to be the scapegoat.

Thumbwitch · 25/03/2013 01:10

nanny - read the thread. DD2 was in danger of a hypo, she has unstable diabetes and is having lots of hypos. The baby has EDS with frequent dislocation. so putting them both in a playpen could have been very dangerous since the sister upstairs has been known to hang onto the OP for 10minutes at a time (enough for a hypo to become really dangerous).
Come to that, the 11yo with POT could have fainted on the way up the stairs as well.

Not good suggestions.

Jux · 25/03/2013 02:29

Your sister sounds like a spoilt brat; sorry. Also manipulativr and unbelievably idiotic. She can"t possibly have a baby while she's like this, and expect anyone to do all this for her.

Somehow she has to be brought to see what condition she is in, and what her plans will cost evertbody else. She's sounding like a 14 yo.

Make a diary of every episode she has, with descriptions of what ovccurs, times, dates, duration etc. She can deny all she likes, but meanwhile she feels well enough to go out in the evening and you, your children and dh pay the price.

Thumbwitch · 25/03/2013 05:24

I think once you start thinking she's manipulating the situation (which I have) you start to see other manipulative things - she "doesn't like you talking about her" - well no, she wouldn't, because you might start to realise things don't completely add up.

I know she does have a real illness - I just think she enjoys the power it gives her over you, and to a lesser extent, your mum; and she's milking it.

ariane5 · 25/03/2013 07:15

Funny that somebody mentioned dsis acting like a 14yr old-she was 14 when diagnosed I often wonder has she got 'stuck' at that age somehow (that prob sounds odd).

It is first time she has gone away for a few days so not sure what will happen, possibly she will be unwell I'm not sure.I can see how she does manipulate things but what can I do? I can't change it its how she is now I just need to distance myself more.

OP posts:

ariane5 · 25/03/2013 07:32

We do use playpen nannyof3 but ds2 dislocates easily if he falls so its not ideal, I did leave him and dd1 in there for few mins the same day as dsis was ill and left later in day which I shouldn't have as an unwell 11 y o not best to be watching a baby (and 3 y o who was playing).

Hard to prioritise somebody ends up being left when they shouldn't be. At least I don't have to worry today for the first time in ages.

OP posts:

CoffeeChocolateWine · 25/03/2013 10:16

OP I think you are amazing dealing with what you deal with on a daily basis. But I think the incident last week was a blessing in disguise...it has shown you that you can't do everything and something has to give. It is totally unreasonable of your mother and sister to expect you to help your sister when you have 4 children with serious illness/disabilities to look after. And now you are in a situation where you're guilt-ridden and punishing yourself for not helping your sister when no human being in your situation would have been able to. Of course you tend to your ill child first...your children are your dependents, your sister isn't. Or she shouldn't be. Thank goodness there were't any more serious consequences but you should never have been put in the situation where you had to make a choice.

Obviously your family need help and support with this. I hope you can get it regardless of your mother/sister's wishes. This is about YOU not about them. You are the one doing most of the caring and you are the person now carrying around guilt.

I really feel for you and I wish you all the best.

TallGiraffe · 25/03/2013 10:24

I think it will be very telling to see how well she was while away having fun. If she had far fewer of the 'attacks' then you could use that as a logical reason for distancing yourself. I know it's unlikely she'd agree but you could suggest filming one of the attacks so her neurologist could see exactly what was happening.

Good luck, I've been thinking of you lots.

frumpet · 25/03/2013 11:25

14 is a difficult age to be diagnosed with anything that sets you apart or makes you different or requires you to take medication indefinately . Did she recieve any counselling at the time of diagnosis ?

ariane5 · 25/03/2013 11:51

She has tried counselling but didn't get on with it-not at time of diagnosis though maybe that's the problem.

She left school and never went back due to illness, has never worked her life from that point has been about how ill she is but she can't cope with her diagnosis.

OP posts:

superstarheartbreaker · 25/03/2013 11:59

YABU....what a great example you set to the kids. not.

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FannyFifer · 25/03/2013 12:07

Read the thread superstar you twat.

FannyFifer · 25/03/2013 12:09

What did she do when you didn't come when she shouted?

ariane5 · 25/03/2013 12:11

She screamed louder and louder and louder till it was blood curdling then started banging on the wall then stopped, I ran up to check her and she was asleep

OP posts:

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