AIBU wrt to my DC missing out because of his allergies?

[WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy]

I have a toddler with many many allergies. Mostly quite serious.

We attend a brilliant music group which he loves, the woman who runs it is absolutely brilliant. Its one of the few toddler things-to-do that I actually quite enjoy and not cringe my way through.

Since starting last summer, my son has changed from a very shy, frightened child who'd cry if another child or stranger tried to engage with him - to a happy, confident, outgoing toddler. Ive no doubt regularly going to this class has helped (theres a lot we cant go to because they have children walking round with food).

2-3 times a term, the lady uses feathers in the class for 3-4 minutes. If my DC goes anywhere near feathers he breaks out in hives, let alone handles them.

We used to leave the room during this time. But now he gets upset, he doesnt understand why Im dragging him away from all the noise and fun.

So Ive asked her to let me know the week before she uses feathers and we'll not come that week. She agreed and said she email me.

Except I was secretly hoping she'd say she'd just not use them. Theres so few groups we can go to, now 2-3 times a term we cant attend this one.

I dont want to drag my son out the class, its making him feel excluded. I hate that. I hate that fucking, bastard, bastard allergies means my lovely son see's and feels excluded from things.

AIBU to wanted, slightly expected, her to just say she'd not use them?

I really need to know if AIBU because this is just the start of situations like this, I know.

[KatieMiddleton]

I don't think you have?

[VenusRising]

I think what eyeofthestorm said is perfect.

From a family with life threatening allergy, and multiple sudden deaths from asthma, I can safely say they the world does not spin on a dime to suit your allergy, and nor should it.

How you handle your son's allergy will be the most important take home message he has about how to handle his allergies when he's older, and you're not there.

There is a lot of silliness about what should other people do because of your allergy, but life doesn't work that way: it's your allergy, so own it and get on with your life, and I'm saying this as someone who can't shake hands, handle metal or coins, go anywhere near grass, and up to recently had to move if someone had cat hair on their clothes.

Maybe investigate your DS's diet and an allergy clinic? I know it's all a bit woo woo, but I find homeopathy to be fantastic for my allergies and asthma- of course I still carry my blue dilator inhaler...

[WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy]

Im not getting worked up Blathe.

I have a good plan of action now, fake feathers or asking her to use them at the start.

Dannilion I feel you're going to emplode. Fact is, you basically said 'suck it up'.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

WellSlap
I thought that allergy experts didn't necessarily favour nut-free schools so I am a bit puzzled by your question to dannilon, how did you expect them to answer?

Just ask for what you need.

[WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy]

My son has been referred up to a specialist hospital in London because the situation is so severe. Sorry to hear you suffer too.

[KatieMiddleton]

Really, just ask her out right. The worst she can say is no. If she says no then I would think she was bang out of order but you really cannot expect her to know what to offer as well as you do.

It is very likely it either has not occurred to her or she thinks you would prefer what you have suggested because, well, that is what you suggested!

[WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy]

Thats a thread all in itself Chaz. One that was ar

[Dannilion]

Yawn. I'm not playing this game any more OP. I need to go and buy some easter eggs for my lactose intolerant children.

[AThingInYourLife]

I think YANBU

Your son is a regular at this class, which means you are a good customer of hers. So I think she owes you something as small as this.

Your son is a pupil of hers and she has been involved in his development. I think she should do whatever she can to make sure he doesn't miss classes.

Losing one prop amongst many will not ruin the experience for the other children. They'll barely be affected, if at all.

I can quite see what you expected her to say. I think that was a very reasonable expectation, and I can see why you are disappointed that she thinks it is acceptable for a little boy who goes every week to miss class for the sake of some feathers.

[WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy]

around recently actually. Not started by me. It went along the lines of this one.

I really want to point out, that Im honestly listening to all of you. Even if you think I am not. Even those I appear to be engraging.

[BabyMakesTheBellyGoRound]

I'm sorry but what exactly is your gripe about. You asked the lady to let you know about the feathers,she agreed she would. What am I missing?

[wannaBe]

"Dannilon out of interest, do you also think schools should allow tree nuts and peanuts in their pack lunches, school dinners and snacks?" the anaphylaxis campaign have actually recommend that nuts and nut products not be banned as this creates a false sense of security in children who then fail to learn to manage their own alergies effectively. Children who simply have the risk factors removed from their environments never actually learn to be aware of them because they never have too and are far more likely to come into contact with the things they are alergic too and suffer as a result.

I think that feathers aren't a necessity and if I were a group leader I would probably be inclined to remove them from the environment. However ultimately it is yours and your child (as he grows up) responsibility to be able to manage his alergies effectively and sometimes that will mean being in an environment where those alergens are likely to be present and having to deal with that.

It is not unreasonable to bring the alergies to the attention of the group leader, but it is unreasonable to expect that she would automatically think not to use the feathers.

There used to be a child in my ds' preschool class who had a nut alergy. His mum was totally on the ball and knew exactly what foods he could and couldn't have and once even attended a party where peanut butter sandwiches were being served. She quickly moved them out of his reach and the mum was horrified when she realised. But there was never any expectation that people motify things for her child - she, and ultimately he, learned to deal with it. When I had a party for ds I deliberately didn't include peanut based things because I didn't want anyone's anaphylaxis on my conscience, but it was never an expectation on her part, in fact she never even made it public knowledge that her ds was so nut alergic unless he went for playdates.

Op - I realise this is hard but unfortunately your ds' alergies are part of life now and this is just the beginning of having to get used to dealing with them in a world where not everyone will be able to accommodate them by removing alergens from the vacinity. As a matter of interest, how do you indeed walk doown the street as there are birds everywhere?

[Shelby2010]

YANBU

But does the lady realise the extent of your son's allergies & that this is the only group he can attend? If I were you I would explore the fake feather avenue, but wait until she tells you the next session is a feather one before you say anything else to her. I suspect that she will think twice about doing that song anyway if she needs to phone you before hand.

Also can I recommend Tumble Tots if there is one in your area - my toddler loves it & no food or feathers in sight!

[WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy]

Thanks Wannabe. Much for of that will apply when he is older.

We walk down the street just fine thanks. Luckily it doesnt rain feathers and pigeons arent known to dive bomb toddlers

[KatieMiddleton]

Where do you people live who can't walk down the street for feathers? Just out of interest

In all my life I have never had a feather touch me on the street. I have been crapped on by a bird a couple of times. I've also seen feathers lying on the ground but never, ever been touched by one.

[BaconandEgg]

This thread is getting too heated. I'm sorry to sound preachy, but the threat combines the best and the worst of Mumsnet. I'd prefer the former without the latter. My take, FWIW, is this. OP is understandably upset that DS misses out on so many things due to his allergies. But she isn't so confident about others being willing to accommodate his needs that she felt able to ask outright that feathers not be permitted henceforth. So she gave the organiser information which some might use as the basis to conclude that further use of feathers was inappropriate. Organiser didn't take the hint (and I'm not judging her one way or the other for that). What is required is sensible suggestions for a way forward. Many of those have been given. Feathers at the outset/fake feathers are both great ideas. Approaching the organiser and/or the other mothers are slightly more problematic, but must be preferable to OP's DS missing out for the sake of a few minutes of "feathery fun". The thread might also have given OP more confidence that others are, by and large, more understanding of her DS's needs than she previously expected, and put her in a position to be slightly more forthright in her requests in the future. All good. The rest is just noise. Anyone who has had to deal with a child with a health issue which limits their experiences comes at this sort of question from a dark and emotionally difficult place. Please let us not make that any worse by getting carried away with negativity.

[CatelynStark]

YANBU I have no idea what feathers have got to do with music anyway. If I were the class leader, I would just automatically not use them if I knew one of the children was allergic. It's a no-brainer to me

[megandraper]

Many of the mums you all praise for being so good at not letting their DCs allergies bother anyone else are probably quite stressed and hyper alert inside, you know, not super-relaxed and managing to be 'totally on the ball' with averting problems without any trouble. I know, because some people think I am one of those mums, but they don't see what's going on under the surface. OP might well be one too, in this thread you are simply getting to see under the surface. A bit more sympathy wouldn't go amiss.

[Higgledyhouse]

Yanbu simple as that.

You are not asking too much at all, I hope the session leader does the right thing and avoids the feathers when your little fella is taking part. Maybe she will (fingers crossed) x

[wannaBe]

the op implied the child cannot be in the same room as feathers.

there are birds everywhere, and yes, feathers fall on the ground, but surely, if the child cannot be near feathers, then he cannot be near birds either.

[KatieMiddleton]

I thought she had to take him out because he'd want to join in and it's not much fun watching others playing? At least that's how I interpreted it, which illustrates the issue quite well; unless the op expressly says what the problem and solution is, it is very hard to know what is an effective course of action and what isn't. The teacher isn't an expert on the op's child's allergy but the op is, which is why telling instead of hinting and hoping is going to be more effective.

[Pandemoniaa]

OP, please stop trying to fight other people on this thread. Instead, take the following action:

1. Ask the teacher if she could avoid using feathers because the use of them means that your ds has to miss the whole session that they will be used in. Point out that he is already very limited to the groups he can attend and her group has been so beneficial so you'd hate to have to reduce his attendance.
   

1. If the answer is no ask whether fake feathers can be substituted.
   

1. If the answer is still no, consider asking the other parents in the group whether they'd be prepared to forgo feathers.
   

I'm willing to bet that you won't ever get to the third option.

[ErrorError]

I lived with a group of friends, including one lad who had a severe peanut allergy, so none of us had peanuts in the house. Pretty simple really, we didn't miss the presence of peanuts at all. So what is special about these feathers? Is it integral to a particular song, and can it be substituted for some other song without feathers? I don't see a problem with removing them and if I was the group leader I would have suggested that first. I can't see why she didn't.

What I think has happened here is that because you broached the subject first and offered to remove DS from the feather sessions, she was probably pleasantly surprised by your reasonableness (i.e. assuming you meant the other kids need not miss out on feather session because of your DS), that this has remained the status quo.

[seeker]

"Maybe investigate your DS's diet and an allergy clinic? I know it's all a bit woo woo, but I find homeopathy to be fantastic for my allergies and asthma- of course I still carry my blue dilator inhaler..."

Oh,ni wish people wouldn't say things like this. It's the sort of thing that makes life incredibly difficult for the parents of children with allergies and asthma.

[seeker]

Look.

"Mrs Organiser person, I know I said I'd take little X out when you do the feather song, but I've tried and it's not really working.i've made these paper feathers -do you think we could use those instead? Or maybe we could just not do that song- there are so many other lovely ones you do, and little x so loves coming"

Sorted.