AIBU wrt to my DC missing out because of his allergies?

[WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy]

I have a toddler with many many allergies. Mostly quite serious.

We attend a brilliant music group which he loves, the woman who runs it is absolutely brilliant. Its one of the few toddler things-to-do that I actually quite enjoy and not cringe my way through.

Since starting last summer, my son has changed from a very shy, frightened child who'd cry if another child or stranger tried to engage with him - to a happy, confident, outgoing toddler. Ive no doubt regularly going to this class has helped (theres a lot we cant go to because they have children walking round with food).

2-3 times a term, the lady uses feathers in the class for 3-4 minutes. If my DC goes anywhere near feathers he breaks out in hives, let alone handles them.

We used to leave the room during this time. But now he gets upset, he doesnt understand why Im dragging him away from all the noise and fun.

So Ive asked her to let me know the week before she uses feathers and we'll not come that week. She agreed and said she email me.

Except I was secretly hoping she'd say she'd just not use them. Theres so few groups we can go to, now 2-3 times a term we cant attend this one.

I dont want to drag my son out the class, its making him feel excluded. I hate that. I hate that fucking, bastard, bastard allergies means my lovely son see's and feels excluded from things.

AIBU to wanted, slightly expected, her to just say she'd not use them?

I really need to know if AIBU because this is just the start of situations like this, I know.

[OutragedFromLeeds]

Try hobbycraft or Wilkinson's for fake feathers. I'm pretty sure they're properly fake, although tbh it's not something I've ever actually checked. They feel fake!

[Dannilion]

"its because of replies such as Danillon that I absolutely would not ask a class to do that." .....Ok.

I'm not even going to dignify your OTT questioning about peanuts in school dinners with a response. You're clearly on the defensive and want to attack me, whatever.

You asked if YWBU to expect a teacher to read your mind and make accommodations for your child without actually being asked to do so. You are.

Either ask her outright to stop using the feathers, take seekers advice and ask the rest of the parents, or stop expecting people to automatically have your child's needs at the forefront of their mind and then throwing a strop about it on the internet when they don't.

[WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy]

Tailtwister, I pay per term. But the last two weeks paid each week in cash.

[Karoleann]

Poor little one...have you got to know any of the other parents yet? If you can identify the slightly louder mum (like me) and mention (during normal conversation) that it was a shame that you couldn't come last week because of the feather thing.
She may then bring it up with the teacher.
I agree that you can't really do it yourself, especially when she hasn't already taken the hint.

[seeker]

Oh, I though she had. Is this a non story then? AIBU to think person X should be psychic?

I'm already a bit cross that the obvious solution has been rejected......

[Catsdontcare]

I am surprised that it hasn't occurred to the organiser to stop using feathers as soon as she knew the op's child had an allergy.

[WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy]

I'll Google my nearest one, thank you.

[seeker]

Dannilon- just as a point of information.(I'm pretty sure i know the answer)If you were at a playgroup, and another mother said to the group "would you mind very much if we didn't do the feather song because my dc is allergic to feathers?" What would you say?

[Blatherskite]

I would say go to the organiser again.

Not only is it more likely to get things sorted but you're less likely to make anyone feel like they're getting their toes stepped on. You've asked her to let you know when the feathers are being used and she's agreed. She probably runs lots of these classes a week and it just hasn't had time to think it through and offer the no-feather solution.

You haven't asked her if she would do the feather song first/use fake feathers/not do the feather song at all so it seems a little unfair to be assuming she wouldn't do any of these things.

As far as she knows, she has agreed to what you'd asked. If she were me, I'd then feel quite offended if you took it upon yourself to ask the whole class if they wouldn't mind not using feathers. It makes her look like she's refused what is a reasonable request.

[KindleMum]

I've bought fake feathers in Tesco previously from their child art and craft stuff.

[WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy]

Dannilion, hand on heart my reply to your post was absolutely not to attack you.

I dont mind being told AIBU, this is genuinely the reason I wouldnt ask the class.
But I really would like to know (not for a row) if you were ok with nuts being in lunches etc. Because you said people shouldnt be expected to accomodate for my childs allergies.

[Katnisscupcake]

Another who thinks YANBU. If I was her, I would just swap the feathers for something else and check with you what was suitable.

If I could adapt a situation to help a DC who has to avoid so many things that other DCs enjoy, then of course I would.

In her defence, maybe she didn't really think about her response. Difficult though to approach her again because you may come across as pushy... A real shame though .

[WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy]

Im going into Tesco after school, I'll check thank you.

[WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy]

I havent assumed she wouldnt do them at the start Blather. I clearly said upthread that was a brilliant suggestion and I will be asking her if I cant track down fake feathers.

[ImAlpharius]

People SHOULD be expected to make reasonable accomodations and modifications to their surroundings and behaviour for others, in one place it may be toning down the walls for children who are upset by overloading sensory issues in another in might be not using feathers for a child with severe allergies.

I would re email the teacher and see what she says.

[Dannilion]

I'd say "of course not".

I stand by my opinion that the OP is unreasonable because she EXPECTS people to make accommodations without actually ASKING them. Sometimes people don't 'get' hints and need things spelled out to them. No point getting het up about it.

I don't understand how this is such a wrong perspective to have.

[KatieMiddleton]

Op, why can't you just ask the teacher not to use feathers?

Apologies for bolding but lots of people have suggested this but you haven't acknowledged or responded to this point.

[seeker]

There you go, OP.

Anybody in their right mind wouldn't have the slightest problem with the group being feather free,

BUT YOU HAVE TO ASK!!!!! Just because this is in the forefront of your mind doesn't mean it's in the forefront of everyone else's.

[crunchbag]

Rather than you tracking down fake feathers, speak to the lady first about her not using the feathers at all or do it at the beginning of the lesson.

[WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy]

You've changed your tune Dannilon.
You said I should not expect people to accomodate for my childs allergies. In your opinion, why would I ask them if AIBU to?

[megandraper]

I wouldn't ask the other parents in the class, actually. It's a bit awkward standing up and asking, and it puts the organiser in an odd position - she would probably think, why has OP not asked me?

But I would talk to the teacher/leader about it. However, I don't agree with all the people slamming you for not yet doing that. It is a big learning curve working out how to deal with all these situations, and you are not going to get it right every time. Having everyone criticise you for it is not going to help.

I think it would have been better if you'd asked the organiser not to use feathers. And it would also have been better if she had offered not to use them. Best thing is to try another conversation, or even one over email.

I totally sympathise with the difficulty of trying to balance not putting other people out with allowing your child to have a normal childhood. You will constantly have people thinking that you are too pushy, or too reticent - often both at the same time! Just keep doing your best. Your DC will be learning how to deal with situations naturally by watching you deal with them. There's no magic answer, and people who think there is, don't deal with these situations daily like we do.

[Dannilion]

I'm not spelling it out anymore OP or answering your ridiculous question. (Here's a hint, DB has a peanut allergy).

I said you shouldn't expect people to accommodate your child's allergies. By that I mean if you want something done, ask/talk/write/whatever. LET THEM KNOW. Don't expect people to automatically think of and do kind things for others.

[WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy]

dannilon sorry but you are hugely back tracking and contradicting every single thing you said in your 13.43 post. Since I asked your opinion on 'not accomodating' nuts in pack lunches actually.

[Blatherskite]

You seem to be making a mountain out of a molehill imo.

You've asked if she could let you know when she uses feathers - She said "Yes".

Now you're getting all worked up because she isn't a mind reader and hasn't worked out that you wanted fake feathers/no feather song at all.

Just ask her. If she says "No" then it will be worth getting upset over.

[WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy]

Katiemiddleton I have answered that before it was even asked.