To say no to my friend using my shower?

[HugeLaurie]

One of my closest friends lives on the same street as me. Her boiler has broken down probably 10/12 times over the last year. It was last fixed a week ago and broke again on Saturday evening.

Each time the boiler has broken over the last year it has been out for two to three days at a time and every time it breaks she asks me to use my shower, either in the evening after I have finished work or before I go to work.

Unfortunately she doesn't just shower and then go home. For example last night she came for a shower and stayed for two hours before she even had her shower. I said that after she had washed I needed to go to bed because I was tired (it was 10.30pm) and she said she wanted a cup of tea before she left, which I made for her. She left at 11.45pm.

I am always in a rush in the morning and have to get me and my son ready for work and school and I haven't got the time to accommodate her showing in the morning.

She has just text me asking if she can bring a bottle of wine over tonight and use my shower again. I have said no, it's not convenient tonight, but I feel guilty. Very guilty.

My boiler has broken several times in the past and I have had strip washes, boiled kettles etc to make sure my son can have a shallow bath and wash his hair.

AIBU to say no if it's not convenient?

[HollyBerryBush]

If she is that good a friend, can't you give her the key?

And, if you are that close surely she wouldnt take offence at 'use the shower by all means, but I want you in and out in 20 mins, I'm tired tonight'

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

I would tell her not to come around until after your DS is in bed then it doesn't impact your time with him. Then say I've got lots of housework to do so I'm afraid I won't be able to chat but happy for you to shower quickly.

I would help her out but if it's a regular thing she needs to realise it turning into a long chat isn't on as it's stopping you getting on. Perhaps you could be embroiled in some paperwork or housework and not be able to stop.

The fact she is moving out so shouldn't have this problem for very much longer would also make me more inclined to help her out. It's not good enough from her landlord though.

As for the long chats do you think she feels bad about using you as the local baths so feels she has to make it more of a social thing. Perhaps repeat you are no offended by her going quickly as you have things to do.

[Willow36]

Hmm, difficult. First thought was YABU but that'd piss me off too.

I'm wondering if this is about more than just a broken shower though. I think she may want the company too. Are you sure she's "happily" married?

Anyway, I think to be a good friend you should allow her to use your shower but just say "Look, I'm really ok with you using the shower but I've had a tough day/not feeling 100%, I need some quiet time on my own so it's fine for you to use the shower but tonight I'm not in the mood to chat/share a bottle of wine" If she's a good friend she'll be so grateful you've let her use the shower and she will understand how you feel.

Unless she has the skin of a rhino.

[WeAreEternal]

If she is a close friend I would just be brutally honest.
I'd say that I am happy to let her use the shower but I don't want her staying for ages because I'm tired and not feeling sociable at that time of night.
If the tries to start talking before her shower just tell her to go and have her shower that you are too busy mumsnetting to talk and don't engage her. After her shower just tell her to go home. If she ask for a cup of tea tell her to get one at home, you are wanting to get to bed, can have tea and a chat at another time.

If she is your friend you can afford to be a little rude, after all you are doing her a favour.

[GrowSomeCress]

That is a difficult situation

Can you possibly sit her down next time and talk to her about it, maybe mention how tired you are and how she needs to be quick?

[Stinkyfeet]

Could it be that she would feel rude by just using your shower then buggering off? Maybe feels she has to stop for a chat to justify it.

[Goldmandra]

You could let her use the shower but carry on with the housework. She would be free to follow you round and chat while you got on with the things you need to do.

You could even rope her in to help with some things like drying up or folding sheets.

You'll get more done and she might not want to stick around so long. Tow birds with one stone if it works

[expatinscotland]

FFS, where do people meet all this piss takers? Her boiler isn't broken, she's getting free showers on you.

Repeat after me, 'No, this doesn't work for us. You need to make other arrangements.'

The end. Over and over.

[QuickLookBusy]

I think she should tell the LL she isn't paying her rent this month unless a new boiler is fitted. 12 times in 12 months is very unreasonable.

On the other hand are you sure she's telling the truth?
We have home Care with British gas, they always fix our boiler problems and when they couldn't they actually told us we needed a new boiler as they couldn't get the parts any more. It all sounds a bit fishy to me.

[kalidanger]

it always turns into a long chat with a cup of tea or wine and I'm not getting anything done, for example housework etc.

Mate, this is your fault. You say one thing, do another. She's obvs quite hard-headed to ignore you but if you're rolling over EVERYTIME then I suppose I don't blame her. You're friends, right? As far as she knows you're having a lovely time.

Just how upset would she be if you say "25 mins only. I've got stuff to do"? Are you scared of her?

[EuroShaggleton]

I'd let her use the shower but just be firmer "sorry I don't have time for a cup of tea/glass of wine tonight, I need to get on with X." And the guide her towards the front door.

[mathanxiety]

I have been in the situation of taking up a neighbour's very generous offer of her bathroom for my family (including loo) when my drains all backed up on a Friday afternoon and she and her family were heading off for the weekend. We each took a 5 minute shower on Sat, and Sun and I left a bottle of hooch for her and her DH and cleaned her bathroom. Plumber arrived at mine on Monday and sorted things out. I felt I was really overstepping the bounds of neighbourliness using her bathroom but she wouldn't hear no (and our alternative was to head to the library every time we needed to use the loo).

I suppose my point is that this friend doesn't understand what the word intrusive means (or she has some sort of massive loneliness problem or her heat isn't working either).

Is her boiler really broken or has she stopped paying her bills and been cut off several times? I don't think a LL can evict someone because they are complaining about faulty house basics.

[kalidanger]

I guess if the LL knows she's leaving soon he's not bothered about fixing the boiler properly? It's not right, but it explains it, I guess.

[Plumpcious]

If her boiler isn't working then presumably the central heating isn't working either? So perhaps she prefers to spend the evening in your warm house rather than huddling around an electric heater in her own cold house.

[Yotamsrazor]

YANBU. I think I'd let her have a shower but when she rings to ask, give her a time to come round. When she arrives, tell her she won't be able to stay on afterwards or whatever, because you are expecting guests/going out/going to bed/feeling tired etc etc. It's a bit more complex because if it's rented property she can't just sort the boiler out herself, once and for all. I'd be withholding my rent though if it were me, until the landlord replaced the knackered article.

[HugeLaurie]

Thank you for all of your responses. Without outing myself completely the job she does depends on her having a clean credit rating. If she gets a CCJ for non payment of rent then she won't be able to work. Plus she is getting a mortgage so doesn't want to jeopardise that.

The LL has no intention of sorting the old boiler or replacing it. She has told my friend that she is going to sell the house when she moves out.

I know that the boiler isn't working properly because three weeks ago I went and sat in her house for two hours to wait in for the British Gas engineer. So I know she isn't making it up.

I am more than happy for her to use my shower a few times a week, just not every day. I am quite blunt and have told her to bugger off because I'm tired but then the same thing happens the next night and so on. I know it's shit when you are cold and have no hot water but it really is getting me down. I have said no for the first time in a year and I feel bad.

[NeverWinsMNComps]

What Plumpcious said--It's bloody freezing outside and if the heating is also buggered, it will be really unpleasant at home. If that's the case I'd take pity on her.

[letseatgrandma]

Grow a backbone! Did she stand there and say, 'I'm not going until I've had a cup of tea!'? Does she open your fridge and start pouring out wine?

[mathanxiety]

How about complaining to the LA about her basically uninhabitable rental house then? Don't LL's have responsibilities? Good luck to the LL trying to sell a house without a boiler in good working condition.

Did the engineer ever show up the time you went and sat in her house for several hours?

[Pagwatch]

Can I say - my boiler is broken and I have no water but, more importantly i am fucking freezing
Is she hanging around at yours because her house is really cold?

I am managing without going to anyones house but I am spending ages in cafes etc rather than being at home.
It's is bloody miserable but I woukdn't impose on people like she is.

[HugeLaurie]

Yes he arrived, took the boiler to bits and put it back together again. He said it was a crappy make of boiler and was on its way out.

She isn't lonely honestly. We went out on Friday night, went out for dinner on Saturday evening (big group of us) and on Sunday she went to dinner with her in-laws. I have basically said that I can't help tonight but I have sorted out another friend to let her use her shower.

[teacherandguideleader]

I was going to post about the heating too. A few years ago my boiler was out of action for the entire winter and my landlord refused to accept there was anything wrong with it. The temperature inside my house was 5 degrees. You couldn't stand in the floor without shoes as the floor was so cold. I used to stay at work until they kicked me out and would go home and get straight into bed under 3 duvets with a coat, hat and scarf on. I couldn't sleep properly as it was so cold. No one came to visit me as my house was so cold no be could stand it.

I joined the gym (an expense I couldn't afford) just so that I could have a shower each day as I didn't have anyone to ask if I could have a shower (and no one offered despite knowing my predicament).

As much as I appreciate its a bit much for you, if its only for a bit longer I'd bite my tongue. Unless you've lived for any period of time in the winter with no boiler you have no idea what it's like.

[greenandcabbagelooking]

Can she go to the pool/gym to shower? I alternated between that and borrowing a friend's shower when ours broke.

[BreadForMyBREADGUN]

She's one of your closest friends and its only going to be for another couple of months. She's taking the piss a bit, but I bet she doesnt even realise it bothers you.

What's she like if you need a favour from her?

[oldraver]

Well I would give her a time its convenient ie after your son has gone to bed and you have had time to yourself but specify you are going to bed at x time (even if its a fib).... give her a time frame of half an hour