To say "no-one I don't know" at my wedding?

[Dannilion]

Just hoping for a bit of perspective here as I kind of feel like I am, but don't want to be!

Bit of background..


DP and I are getting married next summer. It's going to be a very cheap wedding as PFB is due next month and well, spending an extortionate amount of money on a glorified party isn't something I want to be doing. Getting into debt isn't an option either of us will consider for it, so it will all be out of our savings.

My dress will be second hand, the rings are from my mums first marriage and therefore free, I'm making my own cake, the evening venue is a marquee in my parents field, my friends band are the entertainment etc so when I say budget I really do mean it!

Anyways, I've digressed. In order to keep the prices down I don't want to pay for people I don't know to be there. For example, friends of DP's he hasn't seen for a decade, and their partners whom he has never met. Family he only saw once in 15 years at a funeral in 2007 etc. Basically my viewpoint is if I haven't met them, they have no significance to us as a couple so why should I pay for them to come to my wedding? We're not asking for gifts or anything as I really just want it to be a time to celebrate with our nearest and dearest. DP isn't happy with this.

Obviously it would be the same for my guests as well. Its his wedding too and I'm wondering if I'm already turning into a bride-zilla?

[HairyHandedTrucker]

totally felt the same as you but I think you need to convince your do.. give him your reasons.. but if he still wants everyone and their mother you got to let him. maybe tell him if he invites received that you will too... and explain the cost. it's not fair only you have to be cost consious.

[anonymosity]

YANBU. It doesn't matter if your dress is second hand or $30K (sorry, no pound signs on my computer). If you have a wedding, its your choice who you invite. I definitely didn't want people I didn't know - and the newish partners of old friends (partners I'd not met) were not the best guests and I'd honestly have liked to turn them out on their ears. But I didn't.

[nooka]

I really think you need to move away from 'I' toward 'we'. Weddings are abut two people coming together, and that usually means two sets of friends and family to witness/party.

Just because you haven't met someone does not mean they aren't significant to your fiance - his life before he met you has importance too.

I also think you need to watch out on thinking about the wedding as 'yours' and the funding also as yours - if you are using your joint savings then you and your partner are paying for your wedding party, you are not paying for people to come to your wedding (after all weddings are not without cost to attendees).

Sounds like a fun wedding plan, just try and plan it with your fiance (I'd also watch out for becoming the one who manages money, it can lead to all sorts of problems down the line if you aren't singing from the same song sheet about money - definitely something to resolve sooner rather than later in my experience.)

[ChaoticisasChaoticdoes]

I agree with whoever said work out the total number of people you can invite, minus any mutual friends then split the rest in two.

If you can invite 100 and have 20 mutual friends that leaves 80 so you'd have 40 people each to invite. If your DP wants to invite 50 then he has two choices. He can either whittle it down to 40 or he can get an evening job to fund the extra 10 places, it might make him think wrt the budget you have.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

The bottom line, Dannilion is this. Is it really worth upsetting your husband-to-be over this? It is his wedding too, and he has every right to invite who he wants to it (subject to the restriction of numbers of course).

[Thewhingingdefective]

YABU. How would you feel if your HTB said he didn't want your friends and relatives there because he didn't know them?

Surely a wedding is an opportunity it bring friends and family together, especially if you haven't seen people in a while.

If you really are on a shoestring budget and want to keep it small, only have immediate family and go to the pub or a restaurant for a low key post-wedding meal.

[BridgetBidet]

If your husband wants them there you should invite them. To be honest think about it reversed. If you were on here saying that your DP had said that you could not invite friends or family unless you had met them there would be a deluge of people saying 'Red flag!' 'Emotional Abuse'.

I think you're being really unreasonable to be honest and if I heard that a friend of mine was behaving like this it would seriously undermine my opinion of them.

You might want to think what kind of impression this is giving to your DH about what your married life is going to be like too as it doesn't send out good signals at all.

As people have said if you want it to be low key just do it with your family - don't make arbitrary rules like this which really is just giving you carte blanch to veto his guests.

[samandi]

because on one hand he wants a cheap, low key wedding and on the other hand seems to want to invite the whole world and his dog.

Well that seems rather unrealistic of him.

Personally I would probably rather not have people I didn't know at my wedding, it's a celebration of the two of you after all. But then if they are good friends ... it's a tricky one.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

It's about common sense and compromise, isn't it samandi. If numbers are restricted, then the OP's fiance will not be able to invite an unlimited number of friends, but equally, he should be allowed to invite some of the people he wants there whether the OP has met them or not.

Though dh and I did know all of the friends who we wanted to invite (both his, mine and ours, iyswim), there were friends of my PIL who I'd not met previously, at our wedding, and friends of my parents whom dh hadn't met previously - and it didn't make the day any less special for us.

[AllBellyandBoobs]

YABU. There were plenty of people I didn't know at my wedding, some DH's friends and their partners, some partners of my friends that I hadn't yet met and we suggested that both sets of parents invited a couple of their friends. It meant that everyone knew at least one person very well and as a result the wine flowed, conversation was non stop and the whole thing was the great big, friendly party that me and DH really wanted.

[BridgetBidet]

I don't really understand why inviting them has to be so expensive? If the venue is a marquee in the parents field then their won't be a cover charge for them attending, just the catering.

That's simple, just invite them for the wedding and the dancing but don't invite them for the meal. Even if they're invited for the meal it probably won't bankrupt anybody unless you're going for a seventy quid a head blow out.

Sorry, this really really sticks with me. Banning friends of your partners from the wedding because you haven't met them when he really wants them there is far, far too controlling.