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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To walk out and 'hide' at my mums because of arguement with DH?

78 replies

SaneAusten · 09/02/2013 14:10

DH travels regularly for work. Has early flight tmr so was going to go and stay at a hotel near the airport tonight so he doesn't have to get up at a mad hour to make the flight. He checked I was ok with that which was great. I was fine. Plan was that he left at 5pm today for the hotel.

He's a bit unwell and has been coughing all night. Said this morning he hadn't slept all morning so I took children downstairs. No problem with that.

He wakes at midday and comes down and says he is popping down to tesco. I asked if he could go after the children had been put down for middday nap so he can help me a bit I.e nappy change etc. He started getting stressed saying he still had to pack. So at this point I annoyed and say you have 5 hours left and what is the issue with going just half hour/hour later. At which point he walks away with a dissmissive "you always do this. Grow up!".

I became really mad and couldn't even speak so I just walkd out (perhaps proving how immature I am?). Now at my mums and wondering why I just flounced and how unreasonable I was? I know I should have talked to him as that would have been best way to handle and I know his work pays for everything as I'm a sahm. But seems every time he has a trip its all abt how important it is and I have to work around it. Perhaps I'm just tired as haven't had a lie-in for weeks! Sorry this is so long. :) Also, my DH isn't normally horrible. In fact a quiet spoken gentle guy. Just gets stressed about work related stuff and forgets that I may be stressed too.

OP posts:

nickelbabe · 09/02/2013 17:40

it sounds like he's being the drama queen.

he doesn't need to leave at 5 to go to a hotel that's an hour away.
he could have packed at any time over the last few days.

and you need a break too.
going to tesco when you need help getting them ready?

no wonder you're getting stressed about it!

CaseyShraeger · 09/02/2013 17:42

BUT I've come to understand that if he feels better, less stressed doing so than it's fine

No, it isn't. He isn't pulling his weight as a parent. In fact, he's taking the piss.

Viviennemary · 09/02/2013 17:43

I think you were being a bit unreasonable. He works hard and is facing a long journey and is unwell. Why could you not have managed the children on your own and let him get on with what he had to do. If I was in his place I'd be a bit annoyed too.

FireFoot · 09/02/2013 17:44

When you're arguing over seemingly nothing, you're really just arguing about something else. There is something else amiss that causes these blow ups. The question isn't if you / he was being unreasonable or not, the question should be to look at the underlying tension. If everything was rosey, no normal person blows up because someone asks them to go to the shop in 30 minutes rather than now.

Plus, lots of arguments and him staying unnecessarily in hotels sounds terribly fishy. He is travelling for work, but I assume you are personally covering the costs of the hotel? Seems like a very unreasonable expense.

anotheryearolder · 09/02/2013 17:51

YANBU
The airport /hotel is an hour away - baffled why he needs to book into a hotel ?
He sleeps all morning because he is ill - do you get to sleep all morning when you are ill ?
No thought not - selfish git

MrsMiniversCharlady · 09/02/2013 17:53

How often does he go away. It sounds a bit fishy tbh. DH goes away and sometimes gets early flights, it wouldn't occur to him to go the night before while I'm at home sorting the kids out on my own (although I wouldn't mind actually). Doesn't he understand that although it's tiring to go away on business, it's really, really tiring being at home with small children on your own for days on end with no one to share the load and repsonsibility with?

ToomuchWaternotWine · 09/02/2013 17:57

He's taking the piss, BIG time. Words are needed, OP, about your needs too. The thought did cross my mind too if he was meeting someone, hence the twitch unless at having his times challenged. But even if he's completely on the level, WHY does he get the entire evening to chillax in a hotel while you struggle on at home? Does he take part in family life at all?

spiritedaway · 09/02/2013 18:08

Sounds like my ex who has aspergers and would arrange his work/ life like clockwork to suit himself, despite 2 under 2's. He could not understand how i could occasionally be so unreasonable as to suggest he tweak his plans.

Original poster

SaneAusten · 09/02/2013 18:12

I could actually cry because some of you understand my frustration and tiredness. I'm glad I posted so I know I'm not totally nuts.

Vivienne- I know it is childish to walk out and I realised as soon as I was outside. Also, I'm normally inclined to give him time the luxury of time to sort himself out but this is how it always is regardless of whether he is ill or not. I would normally not have been so short circuited but for some reason today I was really infuriated when I felt he was dismissive. anotheryear - a lie-in when I'm ill? You must be joking!

I never thought to question much about him going to hotel so early. When I have asked before he has said that its so he can get there in good time to shower and have a meal and relax. I really not mind him doing this but would just like a bit of care/kindness/understanding or whatever it is you'd like to call it before he leaves. Perhaps to make me feel 'here' and not invisible. I think it's hard when you go from bring a person who was very social and with an enjoyable career to being at home cut off from your personal norm. Makes everything seem worse and I find I am quiet lonely and dare I say lonely. firefoot - I think this is my underlying issue.

I also really don't think there's anything dodgy going on. Just an inconsiderate husband.

I am going to do as suggested which is to have a chat when he gets back.

OP posts:

YouOldSlag · 09/02/2013 18:13

Is it a long haul flight? two weeks for a business trip sounds like a long time, although not unheard of.

Original poster

SaneAusten · 09/02/2013 18:14

Oops! Lots of typos in lat post!

OP posts:

Original poster

SaneAusten · 09/02/2013 18:15

Yes long haul - Australia and Japan.

OP posts:

quoteunquote · 09/02/2013 18:21

The next time he announces his clever little opt out family life plan,

just say, 'What a lovely idea, but that won't work for me''

his reaction will tell you all you need to know about his intentions to meet parental responsibilities,

Stop compromising yourself out of an equal relationship, it might get you through the next few moments, but it never works long term, you will end up in a horrible permanent situation, without options.

MajesticWhine · 09/02/2013 18:40

I think it sounds a bit suspicious, but maybe that's me.
But in any case, YANBU, he is being a precious and inconsiderate.

spiritedaway · 09/02/2013 18:44

Does changing plans stress him out op ?

Viviennemary · 09/02/2013 18:46

I don't think it matters that you did a childish thing if you did. I sometimes do childish things myself when I'm annoyed though try not to. However, look at the bigger picture and if he's usually quite considerate and reasonable then OK put this behind you. But on the other hand if you feel taken for granted and made not to feel important then that's different. And really it is a pretty tiring journey he is about to face.

WorriedTeenMum · 09/02/2013 18:54

I would also challenge the need for a hotel if you are only an hour from the airport. Even an on site hotel will be 15-20 minutes from the check-in desks so he is only saving himself 45 minutes.

On the whole business trips are not a lot of fun but it sounds like he has got into this habit which is unfair on the rest of his family (ie you and your children).

If he is generally a decent person then talk to him and make him aware of how being abandoned by him while he goes off for a bit of 'me' time feels for you. However also listen to him and find out if there is a reason why he wants a break before the flight.

zeno · 09/02/2013 19:26

My dh regularly has early flights from airports several hours drive away. He gets up in the middle of the night to do the drive rather than have to leave home earlier than he has to. If compelled to do a hotel overnight he leaves after bedtime story. So, the whole 5pm leaving thing seems like taking the piss to me.

I don't imagine you feel very cherished at the moment. He is being an inconsiderate git.

anotheryearolder · 09/02/2013 20:35

Op - I wasnt joking
Why should your DH get to lie in when he is ill while you get to do all the graft whether you are ill or not.
This is not an equal relationship.

fluffypillow · 09/02/2013 20:49

YABU, sorry. If you know your DH gets stressed when preparing for a business trip, then why make it worse for him. You should be supporting him, not adding to his stress by asking him to do tasks you could easily do yourself.

I think you were attention seeking tbh.

CaseyShraeger · 09/02/2013 21:28

If you know your DH gets stressed when preparing for a business trip, then why make it worse for him. You should be supporting him, not adding to his stress by asking him to do tasks you could easily do yourself.

But the OP gets stressed when her DH is going to be away for a couple of weeks and she's going to have the DCs single handed. Why is he making it worse for her by spending his last 24 hours having a nice lie in, then popping out to the shops, then "packing" for several hours, then swanning off to a hotel for a relaxing evening by himself when there's absolutely no need to do so ? Why make it worse for her? Shouldn't he be supporting her (and, incidentally, spending some hands-on time with the children he won't be seeing for a couple of weeks), not adding to her stress by insisting on a total lack of flexibility in a schedule that was completely unnecessary in the first place?

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 09/02/2013 21:42

unbelievable - an hour from the airport is not far!

My DH travels regularly and often is up at 4.30 so he can get the first flight out - we are 30 min drive at that time of the morning - if he went sunday night it would be more like an hour.

He wouldn't even dream of going the night before because

he likes to spend time with me and the kids
It isn't necessary for work so he can't claim it on expenses (I think his boss would laugh him out the office if he suggested it!)

I don't know how old your kids are but does he ever look after them alone - do bedtime etc? I hope you are getting 'time off' as well

Mumsyblouse · 09/02/2013 21:54

I see this a bit differently. When I am about to travel, I often feel stressed the day before I travel, I don't like doing it, and I may be preoccupied with thinking about what to take/work papers/packing. This isn't some get-out clause, presumably he is going away to do something reasonably stressful and demanding these two weeks? He probably just snapped slightly, you then escalated it rather, as you are also tired and fed up and not wanting him to go.

I don't think it is unreasonable to get there in plenty of time, my husband knows what a flapper I am and how I like to get there (in daylight!) and so would be happy for me to go reasonably early the day before, as I am for him when he travels. Neither of us would expect the other one to be doing hands-on childcare to the very last minute, sorry, but that would add to my stress at least.

I do feel for you though, I just don't think if this person is normally considerate and kind, then this is really symptomatic of him trying to 'get out' of childcare. Perhaps he just snapped a bit when his plans were disrupted (as I might well if I were running through 'things to do' in my head) and it then went from there.

I feel some people are looking to make him the bad guy (and even implying he might be having an affair!) when it is much more mundane than that, and partly due to your own exhaustion. I never ever travel at the last minute, not for a very important flight.

Original poster

SaneAusten · 09/02/2013 22:07

Spiritedaway not really ridged about plans as such. He is usually an easy going man but where work is concerned he is very very serious so does things like gets to a destination 3 hours early to ensure he is never late. WTM he has said once before that he goes early to the hotel as children disturb his sleep (they are terrible for not sleeping through atm).

anotheryearolder I just never questioned very much about how our work at home is unequal as saw it as my job since I'm the one at home so if children need tending then its me that does it. He will do it if asked but I have to request it. The default is that he is the one who gets a lie-in regardless of whether he has been/will travel. I really thought in real life most mums had same situation.

fluffypillow if I had wanted to attention seek I'd have shared this with my mum, sister and friends who (apart from my mum) would have said how he should have supported me but I have chosen to do so here so I can get views like yours and Vivennes. Also, this did not get me the attention I am after from husband! Nor did I think it would. I was just so angry I just had this need to get outside. The children had been up all night and I was just over wrought and acted like a teenager.

I take on board what you're all saying. Obviously, we need to chat again properly and I need to be honest about how I'm struggling. I think it's hard for him to imagine that I may be but I am. I do worry that he has checked out of our family life- part of this is due to travelling but i know that he was a passenger parent even before travelling started. We need some ground rules so next time things won't boil over.

I seem so weak as I read these posts. Would you all believe that in real life I am much more assertive and not so sappy about everything else apart from my own private home life!

OP posts:

Original poster

SaneAusten · 09/02/2013 22:13

mumsyblouse are you my husband?

OP posts:

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