to be upset about dh not clearing up hot chocolate - so trivial, so annoying

[LargeLatte]

Weekend before last I was working upstairs while dh looked after dc. DS1(7) knocked over hot choc on table. DH called up asking what to do, so I gave instructions on what I use to clean table, where cloths etc are kept. I don't think I specificly said 'can you check if its gone on the carpet, and then clean that' but surely if something is all over a table and running down the sides, you naturally check the carpet as well.

Last night I sat on the sofa and noticed a sour milk smell. Put light on and hot choc is dried all down side of sofa, and on carpet under table. Hadn't seen it before as don't sit on sofa until night time when light's not great there.

DH says didn't know what to do so he'd just left it for me.

This has tipped me to the point of dispair. It is only hot chocolate, but honestly was it too much to ask for dh and ds1 to clear it up together?

[AThingInYourLife]

"Thanks Casper - he is a great Dad in the sense that is happy to spend time with dc, play with them, do Lego, and read together etc. "

Wow, I must be a great Dad too then, because I'm happy to do all that shit with my nephews, nieces and children of friends.

For my own actual children I am also prepared to do the work of raising them.

How can you fancy someone who acts like a child? Eugh

[Andro]

LargeLatte - any female with ANY common sense will get the picture the first time she meets my mother! My brothers are her perfect little angels who can do no wrong, deserve to be waited on hand and foot and must never be distressed in any way...they make no effort to cover their attitudes either. Of course, if either one ever has a partner who asks me about them then...

[CailinDana]

A great dad is one who does the work of bringing up children, part of which is clearing up their messes. Playing and reading are pretty basic, enjoyable things that I would expect anyone to do. How is he for doing other housework?

Would you be able to sit down with him and explain why this incident has annoyed you so much?

[StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes]

I am totally gobsmacked that you have been with this man 10 years or so and have never expected him to pull his weight. It does not need a degree in home economics to know how to pick up a cloth and wipe, it should be instinctive. I guess you have taken over from his mother and do everything for him. Do you work outside the house too? why is he not sharing chores, you are a partnership, actually scrub that, you clearly aren't why don't you go the whole hog and have doormat tattooed on your forehead. sorry but this makes me ver ver cross.

[Selks]

Men behave like this because they are allowed to, basically.
As well as 'training him up' you need to get tough on his ass about actually taking some bloody responsibility around the house. He clearly regards you in the same vein as his mother - that he has no need to do anything because you will. This is about his behaviour but it's also about yours, OP.

[StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes]

Training... ffs he is not a pet dog. Men do not need 'training' they are capable just like us women to see stuff when it needs doing and get on with it. Does he work? presumably he has to think for himself there.

[StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes]

selk that was not in response to you by the way I agreed with your post, just cross about issue in general.

[MrsKoala]

I feel your pain op. dh does not know where any cleaning stuff is kept, well he does, but asks repeatedly. He has never cleaned anything in the time we've been together and actively makes thing 100 times worse. When he finishes the loo roll he chucks the cardboard cylinder on the floor, despite being right next to the bin etc.

His mother never allowed him to do anything for himself as he would mess it up, so he has no idea what to do. He also finds it impossible to learn as he doesn't see the difference of rubbish on the floor or in the bin. I now don't work because looking after the house and ds is a full time job and we have a cleaner too.

It is very frustrating, for him too, as he is genuinely baffled why I nag.

[Saski]

I'd be fucking livid. I think this is really bad, because my husband is pretty bad, and I don't think he would ever do this. I hate to heap insult atop injury.

Seriously, when are men ever going to get it together in the cleaning department? It's a big part of child-rearing. I understand there are some who are prepared to act as equal partners, but my own anecdotal information says that we're still living in the dark ages.

[LargeLatte]

Wasn't expecting to cause quite such a stir with hot chocolate spillage.

But it has let me have a good think about it.

Pretty sure ds1 has been on mumsnet while at school as he came in and offered to wash the kitchen floor so at least so far he's not totally fixated on the cleaning=woman's work stereotype.

We both grew up in households where the dad did absolutely nothing domestic except the bins and mow the lawn, so in a sense we both still live in the dark ages.
I find it hard to know whether what I am expecting is fair.

For example after vacuuming upstairs yesterday he left the cleaner in the middle of the hall - so helpful for doing it, or annoying because he didn't finish the job. Nowhere near as annoying though as when he pushed the vacuum around, but the cylinder is full so it doesn't pick anything up, and he just goes through the motions anyway, which is a total waste of time.

I feel like that episode on the Simpsons in marriage guidance counselling where Marge lists everything Homer does wrong "he wipes his nose on the towel when he gets out of the shower" (Homer, not dh), and her hair gets gradually more and more droopy.

[diddl]

Well I don´t go out to work, so most of the housework falls to me-but I expect my husband to clean up spills of his, put his dirty washing in the laundry box, rinse around the sink after he has shaved...

In short, clean & tidy up after himself...

And I´d certainly expect him to put the hoover away after using it.

But perhaps by only half doing a job he thinks that he won´t have to bother in the future...

[TWinklyLittleStar]

I don't know how you haven't thrown him out by now.

My DH lived alone before I moved in, and was pretty clean and tidy. After I moved in I noticed her was getting more and more slack. I went fucking ballistic had a measured and rational conversation about it and that was that. I would finish it with someone for that, my ex (female, fwiw, it's not just men) was an utter slob and I cannot live like that.

[Selks]

I'm sorry if this thread is making your beehive droopy, OP () but you have described rather a lot of shockingly infantile and entitled behaviour displayed by an adult! It's bound to get a reaction really, no?

[LineRunner]

You also need to focus on the one thing. The 'He will go to town on the things I get wrong' needs nipping in the bud.

'You need to clean up the spill properly. It's a bit pathetic that you won't.'

'Yeah but what about when you ...'

'You need to clean up THAT spill. This isn't about any other subject. Please clean up the spill.'

Yes, it is like having another child ...

[MikeOxardAndWellard]

Wow. That would irritate the shit out of me. My 3yo cleans up spills with a baby wipe. If she can do it, an adult certainly can. What a crap lazy git.

[StuntGirl]

Training him up? OP I despair. You don't need to train him up. He needs to act like an adult.

[TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub]

"I didn't know how to do this (shit job that I don't feel like doing) so I left it for you (because you are here to do my shit work) and I didn't even tell you about it (because I'm well aware it's fucking outrageous and perhaps you would have sent me back to do it if I'd mentioned it)"

OP, why does he think he's a more important person than you?

[LargeLatte]

Update - it is gone. I don't know when but the hot choc is no longer stinking out my carpet. There are no cleaning items left lying around. He didn't ask me a single question at any point about it. It's like a cleaning fairy has been, which is what he must feel like every day.

This was acheived by me saying I was not happy it was still there, he offered to help, and I responded by saying if he didn't know how to do something so simple at his age, that was pretty pathetic.

I'm not going to say thank you either. I'm not going to mention it again.

[TheDoctrineOfSciAndNatureClub]

Good.

Where do you go from here, OP?

[LargeLatte]

Not sure yet tbh, but he didn't get defensive I think because it wasn't a nag 'why haven't you done this, I'm not your cleaner....' like I did the first time I spoke with him about it, it was much more a statement 'you're responsible for the mess, you're responsible for cleaning it up, and you are capable of doing that without any input from me'.

There are whole areas of family-life that he does take repsonsibility for, with virtually no input from me, and vice versa and that works fine for us. It is just the day-to-day stuff, where he doesn't think to pick up after himself / clean up after the ds if he has been looking after them.

When we moved in together we were both the most appalling slobs, so it's not like I didn't know what I was letting myself in for.

[diddl]

"It's like a cleaning fairy has been,"

Does his mum live nearby?

[LargeLatte]

funnily enough, even though his dsm did everything for him when he lived there, I know there is no way she would do that.