To be completely confused about how childcare is supposed to actually work?

[BonaDea]

Sorry for long post.

I'm 29 weeks pregnant and have been having a very preliminary look into childcare in my area. Partly because this is something I've never had to look into before and I just wondered, partly because someone mentioned waiting lists and putting babies on them when they're born (ok, this person might have been mad). I'm planning to be off for a year on mat leave so I have a bit of time in hand.

We haven't looked at nannies / nanny shares in any detail. Obviously this sounds easy, but very expensive and we'd like to explore other options first. So, have been having a look at nurseries and childminders. ALL the nurseries in our area have a closing time of 6pm, and you can possibly pay up £6-10 per day extra for a 6.30 pick up. Childminders are usually the same, some finishing even earlier. Am I mad to wonder how the hell anyone actually makes that work??

I live in London, where the vast majority of people have a commute of at least half an hour. At least. My own commute (I drive out of London, driving back at night) is anywhere between 40-60 minutes. The closer to 5pm I leave work (apart from the fact that my actual contractual finishing time is 5.30, but I am lucky enough to be able to relatively flexible) the busier the roads are, so it actually can easily take longer.

I'm in a professional job and work for a US company (I mention that because the time difference means often having to do conference calls and meetings near the end of my working day at 5, 6 or 7 o'clock). I don't see how I can actually make it work to have to leave my desk at 5pm every day, hoping to hell there isn't a problem with traffic and drive like a mad woman to get there on time. How do other people do this? Are there people who cover that 6-7pm slot for you - family (mine live far away), baby sitters, anything else?!

Or is the reality that it simply won't work unless we get a nanny at huge expense because then they are at our house with the baby and don't have 'closing hours' - although I appreciate you can't take the proverbial with them either?

[GreenPetal94]

My friends in high paid jobs in London all have nannies. We chose to move out of London before having kids as I couldn't see it working and didn't like commuting myself, let alone a baby.

[mrlazysfishwife]

I use a nursery that's open 7-7, that's one of the reasons I chose it. I usually drop off at around 7.50 and pick up around 5.30. But, with traffic nightmares there has been the occasional 7pm pick up!

I'm in London too, though I work in an outer borough. DH commutes in the opposite direction so the drops off and pick ups are all down to me (DH can do them in an emergency but it doesn't work as part of our daily routine).

We also chose a nursery near home as it means we can still use it if I'm not in work (off sick, for example, or when I was on mat leave with DS2).

At the moment my commute to work is about 40 mins including nursery drop off. But, I'm looking for a new job as I'm unhappy where i am, and my childcare is a really limiting factor unless I drop the DC's off at 7am to then drive home and walk to the station to commute to wherever which I don't want to do. It's bloody frustrating, I feel quite stuck but can't see any other way at the moment.

[blueshoes]

HeartsTrump, you mentioned getting live-in help from Asia. How do you sort out the visa?

[blueshoes]

Funnys, on the topic of female lawyers, I work for a global law firm (in fact 3 at last count), but since dcs were born work pt and now ft in a non-fee earning role. The pay is good for the hours I do and this latest role is pretty cushy and quite flexible. I have to admit I am a rarity though but I wonder why don't more women lawyers do it!

[shesariver]

In my case I manage because Im married to my child-minder! Yes my DH is a male child-minder so I dont need to worry about picking my boys up late. He is very flexible with his hours, children are dropped off from 730am onwards and are generally all picked up by 630, and this is not every night so its ok. He would watch later if necessary, the only thing you can do is ask childminders.

[bemybebe]

I would definitely consider cm/au pair combo and will do it myself if I decide to return to an office job.

[malovitt]

I'm a cm operating along the same lines as nokidshere

I'm based in central London and look after a child whose parents are city-based lawyers with unpredictable hours. I am available from 7.30am until whenever - usually 8/8.30pm but occasionally longer if necessary! If the parents are going to be really late, I too offer to take the child home and settle him there. I do get paid very well but know I am really appreciated, the parents are lovely.

Whereabouts in London are you. OP?

I know other cm's who work extended hours.

[Mimishimi]

Based on the information you have given us and your husband's views on you possibly staying at home (ie he would be unsupportive of that), I think a nanny would be your best option really. Group childcare only works very well for those who have regular hours and also shorter hours than the two of you have. I would be very wary about hoping friends and neighbours will do emergency pickups because they may just not be available or, not unreasonably, simply not want to do it especially at dinnertime or if they have children of their own (even if they appear to have the time to do it). With nurseries, the children get sick a lot the first year or so anyway ( based on the experience with my two), and you would be spending a lot of time taking sick leave. That one on one care is really optimum in the first couple of years. Good luck :)

[lljkk]

Keep in mind that Nanny can be ill, or want holidays different time of year from you. You may end up with regular Nanny and holiday Nanny (I had regular CM and holiday CM). Or filling in hours with nursery care. It's a patchwork.

[blueshoes]

I found the nursery and live-in aupair wraparound care quite a good option. The aupair can do the nursery run. She provides first line backup if the child is ill. If the aupair is ill (which touch wood was rare), at least the nursery is still there for the bulk of the day.

An aupair does light housework during the day whilst the child is at nursery, so you don't have to worry about keeping on top of that. And it is always handy to have someone in the house when you want to pop out to the shops or have babysitting on tap.

The aupair also papers over any unexpected late nights at the office. Now the children are much older, she kicks in when dh or I have to travel.

For babies, you would need to look for an aupair with experience with babies and supervise and train her and keep her on a very short lease for a while e.g. you could have her start and train her before you go back to work. The period she has sole charge must be very short e.g. just school run and a bit before you get home. But as you observe her, you will know if she is sensible and can be trusted.

I used a live-in aupair for wraparound nursery care from when ds was one (dd was 4 then) and it worked very well.

I still have an aupair even though both ds and dd are now in ft school.

Of course, hiring an aupair and getting a good one is an art in itself. Lots of tips on this board.

[buggyRunner]

My DP and I plan to split it (as I'm going full time from part time at the end of the month) dd's are 18mths and 3.5. When I worked part time I dropped off and picked up as I worked 2.5 days and chose a nursery next to work.

You may find that your desires and goals change or you may find that you are chomping at the bit to get back to work- either is fine. Personally I left a risky job when I had dd1 and I'm going back into it now the children are older as I just couldnt loose the bug.

When I go full time- dp will drop off and I'll pick up as I will commute but work a 9-5 and he will do a 9-6. The plan is I'll get in early at 8am and exersize at work to get that done as we wont have time after work as I'll want to spend max time with the kids before bed time.

You'll start to learn (if you havent already) why all the 'undersiable- ie low paid/ few hour' jobs suddenly become very desirable as they fit in with school hours- ie teacing assistants, dinner ladies, cleaning etc.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

How are you getting on, OP?

[fraktion]

I would try to shift working hours or negotiate 4 day hours over 5 days (so instead of 4 8 hour days you do 5 6,5 hour days)?

I think a nanny or share is going to be the best option. Most nannies will be very flexible if that is part of the arrangement and you give them appropriate warning.

We're currently doing nursery & au pair which is quite good but au pairs want to spend a lot more time with the family than nannies which can get a bit wearing after a while.

As nick said, pop over to the childcare board to see what would be a good/affordable option. I don't think you can just rely on nursery care.

[WhataSook]

you say we so I assume you have a partner, but myself and DH have had to change our working hours once DD came along... I start at 7.45 and am there to collect DD at 4.45 and DH drops her off in the morning at 8 and he gets home at 6.30.

I also work for a US company and just can't schedule any calls from 3 -7pm but I do take calls once DD is down. It's a pain but you need to find a good CM and if you are there 99% of the time on time then I'm sure the once in a blue-moon you are late because of trains/traffic mthey will understand.

You do get a bit more flexibility once you have a child I have found.

I also work from home a couple of days a week so then I do the drop off and pick-up, you should ask about this option too.

[WhataSook]

sorry my post should say I collect DD at 4.45pm

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

OP, both DH and I worked long hours before kids, we both now share childcare responsibility equally so we leve early on the days we have to and sometimes work late on the days we don't. We have both still progressed, got promotions etc. do other people with SAHPs as partners do more hours than us and maybe get agead quicker? Yes, but the financial hit, specifically with respect to tax, means that this is still financially the best solution as well as suiting our characters and interests.

When it comes down to it, and you have to leave to collect a child/relieve the nanny, you do it. You just go. Same applies to your DH. You will change the way you work and that's not bad, just different.

Good luck!

[KristinaM]

Great advice here. I would advise against you making all the compromises in your career while your Dh makes no changes at all. You will both end up resentful of each other.

[BonaDea]

Am amused by the lawyers on the board sympathising!! Let's just say that DH is a partner at a global law firm. Perhaps you can understand why the thought of him finishing at 5pm or working 4 days a week is such a joke. It's not necessarily because he wouldn't want to do it; it's just completely insupportible. His career is WAY more important to him than mine is to me and will allow me to go p/t and take the full year mat leave, too. I've already moved in-house, from a hellish global firm (which is why I do the weird reverse commute), so I'm already in the best family friendly environment (for a lawyer!!) I could hope for.

This thread has been so interesting and it's given me a lot of food for thought. Chatted through some of the key ideas with DH last night (he made it home before me AND cooked dinner, shock horror!). My current thinking is that nursery would be a lot 4 days a week, 10-11 hours per day, for a one year old. My ideal will be that I work 4 days a week, one day from home and we find a 4 day a week nanny share OR 3 day a week nanny / nanny share with one day at nursery (good for socialisation, I guess) and I could do pick up and drop off on the day I work from home.

Also gathering that no one else thinks it is too early to actually start looking at this. As soon as this baby arrives safe and sound (no jinxing before then), I think I'll at least register with some of the local nurseries and also perhaps meet some childminders. I might also sound out some of our NCT class (starting in 2 weeks) about whether a nanny share could be a good option for them!

I feel like I at least have a plan...

[dinkystinky]

BonaDea - I'm a corporate lawyer at respected city firm. My DH used to work here but went on to work outside the law but works v similar hours to your DH. For us, that's why a nanny (who has been with us over 6 years now) was the only real option. We dont have a nanny share as we wanted maximum flexibility with our nanny. I really couldnt do my job without having her as we work as a team together.

[OneLittleToddlingTerror]

By the way, don't get so hung up on the socialisation aspect of nursery. Babies with SAHM socialise too! There are many many toddlers group. I'm sure an experienced nannies will know all about the groups around your area.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

OP, I kind of guessed he was a partner but he is also going to be a father.
Until more men start thinking about their working patterns when they have children, regardless of seniority, the same old expectations will be reinforced...

Anyway, of course you will and should do what works for you as a couple and a family but please take care and consideration for all your own aspirations as well as his. I really hope you find a good solution and am wishing you well.

[fraktion]

I would avoid split care on different days. Nursery can wait until the get the funded hours, nannies often have a good network and they'll go to groups etc just like a SAHM.

[dreamingbohemian]

In that report I just edited, most of the men who took some kind of flex-time were in senior positions equivalent to your husband's. It was actually because they were so senior and important that they could swing it. It could just be little things, like 'between 5 and 8 pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays I'm not available, but I can take calls/emails in the evening after that'. Things are spelled out and everyone adjusts.

You have to do what's right for you, it's just that there are sooooo many threads on here from women who downsized their own careers, their husbands work long hours and can't do anything during the week, can never take off if there is illness or holidays, and it just does not seem very sustainable long-term. It may not sound so bad in the abstract, when you consider all the plus sides, but in practice the down sides are so much more immediate and the plus sides seem more ephemeral. You may not care so much about being able to take a year's maternity leave if you are on your knees from sleep exhaustion and totally on your own all week.

Does your husband plan to work these hours forever? What are your long-term plans as far as balancing work and family life? Is he expecting his work life to basically not change at all, ever? I just think some frank discussions now are a good idea, you really don't want to be arguing about this when you have a newborn and are exhausted and adjusting to it all.

[TripleRock]

I work for a law firm too, although in a regional office rather than city.

My employer was fairly supportive of my flexible working application (of course they have to be whiter than white on these things which is in your favour imo). I had a year off too and I went back to work 3 days per week, and work a compressed day 9-5.

My request to do a further half day from home was refused for various reasons.

I am in a fee earning role and we have played about with various ideas to make it work, including a job share which was a mixed success, but broadly working part time does work. However, I do feel that my prospects for promotion are virtually zero at present due to working part time. However, I'm hoping this is something that can easily be changed in the future and would clearly be much harder to address if I was out of work altogether.

I do DDs nursery pick ups and drop offs and am there to get her by 6 o'clock latest.

Its a very long week for her even now at 2.3.

However working part time has brought a much better balance to my life generally. I am in the process of finishing a work related qualification which should enhance my future prospects, plus have just taken on another part time job working for a charity which I would clearly have never been able to do if I was working full time. So overall I'd say its the right balance. Not perfect but about as close as it could get.

I'd say if you can afford it go for a nanny, get part time hours and push for home working if you can. Good luck.