To be completely confused about how childcare is supposed to actually work?

[BonaDea]

Sorry for long post.

I'm 29 weeks pregnant and have been having a very preliminary look into childcare in my area. Partly because this is something I've never had to look into before and I just wondered, partly because someone mentioned waiting lists and putting babies on them when they're born (ok, this person might have been mad). I'm planning to be off for a year on mat leave so I have a bit of time in hand.

We haven't looked at nannies / nanny shares in any detail. Obviously this sounds easy, but very expensive and we'd like to explore other options first. So, have been having a look at nurseries and childminders. ALL the nurseries in our area have a closing time of 6pm, and you can possibly pay up £6-10 per day extra for a 6.30 pick up. Childminders are usually the same, some finishing even earlier. Am I mad to wonder how the hell anyone actually makes that work??

I live in London, where the vast majority of people have a commute of at least half an hour. At least. My own commute (I drive out of London, driving back at night) is anywhere between 40-60 minutes. The closer to 5pm I leave work (apart from the fact that my actual contractual finishing time is 5.30, but I am lucky enough to be able to relatively flexible) the busier the roads are, so it actually can easily take longer.

I'm in a professional job and work for a US company (I mention that because the time difference means often having to do conference calls and meetings near the end of my working day at 5, 6 or 7 o'clock). I don't see how I can actually make it work to have to leave my desk at 5pm every day, hoping to hell there isn't a problem with traffic and drive like a mad woman to get there on time. How do other people do this? Are there people who cover that 6-7pm slot for you - family (mine live far away), baby sitters, anything else?!

Or is the reality that it simply won't work unless we get a nanny at huge expense because then they are at our house with the baby and don't have 'closing hours' - although I appreciate you can't take the proverbial with them either?

[ZenNudist]

Can your work be flexible? Perhaps allow you to work from home on the days you have a call then you can get home in non-rush hour traffic and get more time working.

I changed my work hours so I do 8 to 430 (more like 830 to 5 most days) supposed to beat rush hour traffic and pick up by 6. Wouldn't work for you. Try and find out what other mum's of small children do at your place. If there aren't any that speaks volumes!

[louschmoo]

Sorry, one more thing then my epic post will end! I went back to work when DS was 6 months old. This was partly because I was ready, partly because we had found a great CM and also because it put me in a strong position to negotiate my new part time role. I work for a msall business and maternity cover is a real headache for them. Knowing that I was planning to go back quite quickly made them much more amenable to giving me the hours I wanted. If they hadn't agreed I would have taken the whole year off. (There was no pressure from them for me to go back early BTW, but they were bloody grateful!).

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

OP there is a really strong financial argument for you both working that might help here - if only he works, because he is paying HRT on all earnings above the threshold, he has to earn a massive amount more to cover what you would get taking into account your nil and basic tax rate bands. An incremental pound earned by him above HRT threshold is worth much less than the same pound earned by you at the nil or basic rate.

He has just as much legal right as you to request flexible working and it may give you more net income and job security if he does do just that.
I would really think it would be good that he does at least one childcare pick up a week so that you know you have at least one clear night a week to stay on at work. He should think about a four day week too, if you both want that.

Your life cannot go on the same way but that should apply to both of you.

[Florin]

Also worth bearing in mind you may have to be back early or have a nanny to put the baby to bed. My ds goes to bed at 6 doesn't matter how we try and alter his naps he won't change his bedtime so we have to be home for this. I am staying at home with him partly as don't see how I could do a job around this.

[Mintyy]

Op - am very curious. What kind of childcare did you think you would be able to get and at what price and what sort of hours do you think is reasonable for a baby of less than a year old to spend in a nursery?

[bigkidsdidit]

I agree with Doctrine and Ifnotnow

Assuming you decide not to be a SAHM, both of you dropping a bit is easier to manage and better for both careers, IMO. DH dropped to 4 days and I stayed 5 days but leave early on three of those. We also big do regular days at home. Neither of our careers have been affected at all tbh and we share sick days. Our relationship has flourished too as we have such an equal partnership :)

[rainrainandmorerain]

just be careful that if your dh works very long hours, or does the 'hellish week/free weekend' thing that he isn't expecting that time to be be rest and recuperation from work. Because while looking after small children can be a lot of things, from hugely rewarding to frustrating and knackering - it ain't rest and recuperation.

I don't want to sound doomy - but this is something I see a LOT in couples where the mum isn't working very much (I only know one sahm). The husband works a lot more - and then gets resentful when he doesn't get a lie in on a Saturday, or is asked to do bath and bedtime when he gets in from work, or wants to play golf etc on a sunday. The mums say 'why isn't he HELPING me, he doesn't understand, I do everything and he says he's too tired to help!' and the men say 'I've been working, I'm tired, I deserve a break? etc.

If I could wave my magic wand right now, I would magic up a long period of parental leave from work, that had to be shared by both parents, so each got a good stint at being a sahp. I think the labour market would improve, I think the quality of family life would be better, and there would be far less friction between mums and dads.

[GotAnyGrapes]

You do need to discuss it all with your DH. Whilst you're doing do, take the opportunity to discuss what's going to happen in 5yrs time when you will need to cover 13+ weeks holiday a year. Sorry to sound doom and gloom but in my experience, once they reach school age is when childcare really gets tough!
Good luck and congratulations on expecting your first baby! It's a wonderful time so whilst this is all important, don't let it fill all your waking thoughts!

[BrianButterfield]

Most people I work with have childcare near home but I opted for nursery near work. I have to commute by train with a pushchair which is its own hassle, but now DS is nearly 18m it's getting to be good fun. It is nearly an extra two hours a day I spend with him and it's nice to have that time to hang out, look out of the window and chat. OK I have the odd nightmare journey but overall it's worth it. Today for example I took him from nursery into the town where I work. We met a friend for tea and got the train home to be back for bath time - precious hours I'd have missed out on if he was in nursery near home.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

Great posts Cailin and IfNotNow

[nannynick]

BonaDea, as a nanny I love working a 4 day week, so if you did do 4 days you should get nannies interested in the job.

Do post on the Childminders, Nannies, Au-Pairs Etc board. We can do you cost calculations, describe pros/cons, to help you decide if a nanny is something to consider.

[dreamingbohemian]

I agree with IfNotNow that it's important for your DH to at least ask about flexible work options, even if they say no.

By coincidence, I've just edited a report for a big multinational company (don't want to say which but trust me you know it ) which had lots of interviews with senior executives about balancing work and family life. I was really impressed how many men, not just women, negotiated some kind of flexible work, either a 4 day week, or leaving at 5 pm most days but doing some work at home later, or things like that. This was all seen as very normal and in today's world, where work can be done everywhere, very progressive.

If you can both get some flexible work, it will make life so much easier. Understandable if he can't actually get it, but I think it would be wrong if he didn't actually try.

[MrsMelons]

I took a career break from work after my maternity leave. I was lucky enough that they agreed to keep a job open for me but at reduced hours (minimum of 3 days a week). I had 5 years off altogether then managed as DS1 was at school and DS went to pre-school 4 days 9-3, I had help 1 day a week from my mum so I could make up some hours.

I am in a professional job and did wonder how it would affect my career being out of the lopop for so long so I did some related voluntary work that I could fit around the children whilst I wasn't working and actually was a bit part in me getting a good promotion within 6 months of going back to work. I only work 30 hours a week though but actually do a full time job so on occasions do e-mails in the evenings/weekends and on my day off.

I was worried I would hate having to plod along a bit at work but it just fits in well as I have the flexibility with the children but also am still furthering my career. I do get lots of annual leave and have the help of my parents so I only work very very reduced hours in the holidays.

I am not sure if this would work at all in your job but thought I would share my story and a different view with you!

[MrsMelons]

Just another thought, if you were unable to have any flexibility at work I would definitely have a nanny/au pair. I think it would be much nicer for you and the baby to have that continuity - school/CM/nursery runs are V stressful. Also it may give you the opportunity to have extra help at home depending on what type of nanny they were (ie help with washing/housework etc).

I have no idea of costs of nannies so I may be being completely unrealistic.

[LadyIsabellaWrotham]

I do think that a lot of couples don't think the childcare implications through when they move to commuterville before having babies. Not this OP specifically, since you have an unusual reverse commute, but a lot of women do seem to only realise that 8 hour day + 75 minute commute each way + extra 15 minutes getting to nursery each way = childcare nightmare once they're reaching the end of their maternity leave.

[IfNotNowThenWhen]

My God you London people work long hours! Scary to think that working 8-5 is considered a short day! I know it's like that, but it does make me wonder about the "presentee-ism" still going on in most professional jobs.
So much can be done remotely and outside of office hours these days, but it's like employers just don't trust their employees at all.

Interestingly (and I think someone upthread mentioned this) most people who do go p/t after children seem to get just as much work done as the full timers.
My friend works 3 days in financial services.
She told me that she brings in more money than her male colleagues because she just goes to work and cracks on with it. However she is not entitled to bonuses, being "only" part time...
Having said that her partner does work from home 2 days a week, so is available for pick ups/drop offs/ill children on those days.

I agree with rainrain that having a very uneven split can cause resentment on both sides btw. In some ways if your DH can alter his hours/days to accommodate a child he will be more in the mindset of a parent and less likely to expect the status quo of long week/ lazy weekend.

[foreverondiet]

A nanny share with another family with a baby of a similar age will work out same price as nursery. We did that when dc1 was a baby. The girls are still best friends and they are 9. Both us and the other nanny share family also couldn't make nursery work due to occasional later evenings. Now my dc are aged 2,6 and 9 and we still have nanny as no other childcare are would work. Either renegotiate your or your dh's work hours to always leave at 5pm own the dot (hard in circa you describe) or start looking for nanny share family.

[foreverondiet]

On reading the whole thread again I think it will only work for you with a nanny or like minded nanny share. Also that way they can look after your baby when I'll.

[nokidshere]

I'm a childminder who works unsocial hours. My day is normally 8-6 but I am happy to do earlier and later for parents who need it. With small children I am happy to take them home when all the other children have left, get them washed and in pj's so parents can have some stress free time with them before bed. I also do not charge late fees for commuting parents.

The children do not suffer from being in childcare for long hours. Home based care is obviously better in your scenario either at your home or the childminders home.

You need to speak to some childminders to see what is available to you before making decisions. There are plenty of flexible ones around. And in 13 years childminding I can count on one hand the number of times I have had to take off sick, so its not always an issue either.

Oh, and it really isn't too early to start making plans.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Could you handle / do you have the space for someone live-in? Around here there are oodles of families who have live-in help, very lovely women from Asia (Phillipines mostly) who are godsends. They are usually mums themselves too, sending money back home to their families (which makes me sad, thinking of them missing their own DCs). A possible alternative to an au-pair, whom you can't really leave in sole charge for long periods of time... Just a thought.

[Weissbier]

Also throwing my hat high in the air for IfNotnow. I told DH, we split a year's ML 50-50, 6 months each, or no second child. He is doing it...I love DD1 more than anything in the world, and I would change my work for her in a heartbeat if I had to. But I also love my job, and as my cup of happiness is full with DD1 by herself, another child was only something I wanted if DH pulled his weight so I could continue my work as well. There is nothing wrong with being a SAHM, but as IfNotnow says, it should be a choice. Men often need a hand taking on board that they have to change their lives too. They don't have the pregnancy, they don't have the physical upheaval, for example the night DD was born DH left the hospital, wondered what to do with himself, went to a bar, had some whisky, went home and slept like a log, which isn't what I was doing :D. But I think all that does help women get their heads round the situation faster. It's not like all husbands are deliberately crap or unsympathetic.
DH is very good at doing his share, and he has got better and better the more practice he has had. I haven't found it very easy to be assertive about stuff like him taking days off work to help cover for illness, but I have also got better at this the more I have practised :)

I agree with everyone who says nanny. Nurseries are really tiring for small children, DD does 8-3 aged 2.5 and it is enough for her. Small children are also ill every five seconds, particularly in their first year of childcare, and always when you have a really important meeting. If you can't accommodate that yourselves or through family, you must get a nanny who can or you will go mad.

Also, have all your working hours covered by childcare/DH, don't reckon on having the energy to do anything in the evenings. I actually do work evenings because of DD being much happier at nursery until 3 and not 5, but I have to really force myself to do it and I am also supported by DH so I can make up some of the missed time at the weekend rather than always at night (again, something he's got better at understanding with practice).

[pingu2209]

Im starting as a childminder and I'm doing a daily set hours of 7 am till 7pm at a rate of £60/day (£5/hour). This is exactly because people need to commute and don't need to worry about working later or if the trains are late etc.

Half days will be 7am till 1pm or 1pm till 7pm. The hourly rate will be £5.50.

If someone doesn't want those options, I will be flexible in hours but at a minimum of 5 hours a day at £6/hour.

Any time before 7am or after 7pm will be charged at £10/hour, payable in 15 min increments of £2.50. So 7.02pm will be £2.50 extra, £7.18pm will be £5.00 extra etc.

Childminders often put their set hours as 8-6 but are prepared to work longer hours, especially if you intend to put your child in their care for full days and perhaps 5 days a week. Call them up and ask.

[KoalaTale]

I'm in London suburbs too. I work 8-4pm. Dh does morning drop off at childminder at 730.I collect at 530. He works late in the evening.

I cut back to 3 days per week, dh is five days per week. Could you change your working hours like I did?

[DialsMavis]

My friend works for a company that sounds similar to yours. She goes into work early and her DH does the school and nursery drop offs, she finishes early to get back and collect from after school club and nursery by 6pm. She gets the DC to bed then does all her conference calls etc. she says life would be much easier with a Nanny though.

[FunnysInLaJardin]

Bona I laughed to myself when I read you are a lawyer. I am too and found the demands of a law firm incompatible with a proper family life. I know childless women and battle hardy ones who have succeeded in law, but really most of us don't. Most of the female lawyers go part time and are sidelined for partnership or move into a different area. I used to do Commercial Property and it became quite clear to me that being a mother and working for a global law firm (as I did) are not compatible.

I have now moved into commercial property management which is far more 9-5 and no weekends and I know many others who have made moves career wise to suit their family. That is one reason why there are so few female partners in law firms, not to mention the outright discrimination once you are pregnant or have a child.

So really see how it goes and be prepared to adapt your role at work to suit the demands of your family.

BTW I know how hard city lawyers work and although some families make it work with the husband working round the clock and the wife at home, I don't think I have seen one happy family make it that way.