Is it possible that you can never ever learn social skills or fit in with people?
I've not had friends all through school. College was going to be my chance! Nope messed up again. Then university. And work. No friends.
I don't do anything wrong in the sense of being mean or horrible or raving on about boring stuff. Maybe I am boring though just by being? People talk over me as if I'm invisible or don't exist. Even my ex boyfriend used to do it.
There's another conundrum. I've had relationships but i guess looking back I was targeted by abusive men who probably saw how desperate for interaction I was. It certainly made me put up with a lot from them.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm alone all the time. I don't work (health stuff) but even if I did I doubt I would make friends. I manage to get spoken to but if anyone more interesting enters the room I will get cut off and talked over.
I should emphasise again, I'm not the kind of person who chats on when the other person is sending "I'm bored" signals. I'm very cautious of this due to worrying if that's why I had no friends.
I've been asked before by someone if I was sure I hadn't been missed for a diagnosis of aspergers but I've read into that and while a lot of it fits me, there's still some that doesn't so that rules that out.
Am I being unreasonable to think that I'm just someone people don't want as a friend and ill never fit in? I wouldn't want to be friends with me I guess!
AIBU?
To think I will never ever fit in or make friends?
Dineatmydiner · 14/01/2013 14:58
Hi Dineatmydiner
Your posts have made me feel sad. Sad because I can relate to a lot of what you say. Like you I also worry that my ds will turn out like me and struggle with loneliness as a child. I struggled with making friends when I was at school. My parents moved around a lot when I was younger (which didnt help) so I ended up going to lots of different primary schools. Everytime I would make a friend I would end up moving pretty soon after and end up at zero again. I often attracted the attention of bullies whenever I joined a new school which made me more introverted as I didnt want to reveal anything of myself to give them ammunition to use against me. The situation improved after I left primary but when I was in secondary school and sixth form I became very self-conscious of how others percieved me to the extent that I used to hide in the school toilets at breaktime or pretend to do work in the library so people wouldnt see that I had very few friends.
I have three siblings so when I was younger I didnt really care about not having friends because like you described I sort of leaned on them and had them as company. However my 3 siblings are all very much social butterflies which didnt help as they used to find it really funny and make jokes about how I had no friends and was a loner. My big sister is very much like how drfayray sounds. The life and soul of every party and people used to always compare me to her. I have had 3 friends who when I have introduced them to my sister within a short space of time have asked me why I wasnt more like her, which really crushed my self-esteem when I was younger. I used to look at myself in the mirror and say to myself I hate you. (I just realised that I am making the mistake people have told you about of revealing too much of yourself as it makes you sound glum and too problematic 
. Bad habits die hard. Oh well not trying to make friends just trying to let you know you are not alone.
As much as your thread has made me sad by reminding me of some things it has also made me happy to see that I am not the only person who was/is like this. I have managed to overcome a lot of the problems that I had to reach the point where I am happy with myself and I think you can too. Follow the advice of drfayray. A lot of what she said makes sense and I have seen it work from observing my older sister. Smile alot at people. Listen and look interested when they speak. Remember things about them and mention it next time you see them. Give of yourself (nothing too deep) it encourages people to also talk about themselves.
Another tip I would give for conversation makers or starters is to ask questions e.g. at a baby group somebody talks about their baby ask them "Is this your first?", if they say no ask about their other kids (i.e. "How many kids do you have? How old are they?" etc) if they say yes ask "How are you coping?" then you can talk a little bit about how you are coping as well. Sorry if this sounds patronising but I have learnt that people love to talk about themselves and love being given the opportunity to be listened to. One thing that I do as well is I tend to store up bits of information that I can talk about with others. For example I will read something interesting or something will happen to me and when I talk to somebody new I will find a way to bring that in to the conversation.
Be less self-conscious about the way you are percieved. I know this is hard but if you feel self-conscious you act self-conscious and people pick that up. Like someone said early when you feel confident, you act it and that attracts people. If you dont feel confident just fake it. Sometimes when I feel myself getting self-conscious I tell myself (I do a lot of self talk by the way lol) "I dont care what these people think. I have as much right to be here as them". Also dont worry about not gelling with everyone. I used to feel upset that unlike my sister I couldnt get on with everybody I met but now Im just happy to talk to anyone who will give me a chance and if there is someone I find it difficult to get on with or speak to I just brush it off and dont let it effect me.
For now gravitate towards structured social situations. What I mean by that is social gatherings where there is a specific purpose or task you have to perform. For example I tend to avoid baby groups where it is quite unstructured as I feel uncomfortable if I dont know anyone there. Instead I would go to something like rhyme time, or a class like baby yoga, or a course like baby massage or paediatric first aid and talk to people there. Learn new skills by doing courses. That helps you to meet people who have common interests with you and also gives you something to talk about. As you learn new skills this will help you to build up your confidence. Going to the gym regularly really helped me to build up my confidence as I was able to talk to people who I saw regularly and gradually get to know them without feeling that pressure of I dont want to look like a loner because I had things to do.
Dont feel like you have to make lots of friends. Make one or even two and nurture those relationships. I am very good at maintaining friendships with people and would rather have a few good friends then loads of shallow ones. Its fine to keep people as acquaintances. They provide companionship but at the same time dont need commitments.
Sorry for the essay. I know I have written a lot but your posts have really struck a chord and I just want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you. The problems you are having you can change. Being sociable and making new friends is just a skill that you can learn and I think everyone has the capacity for it.
Hope this helps.
Good luck
Thats great you are thinking of going to a class when you feel a bit better Dineatmydiner. I also worry about the thinking face thing, Im sure I do it too 
I have moved around a lot over the years so I constantly have to make 'new' friends, (apart my from two oldest friends that I have known since I was 5 ) - the way I do this is to always join groups, do voluntary work etc. - in fact some of the things I do are within 'national' organisations so it is easier to transfer between areas. I therefore keep busy, am doing things I enjoy, positively contributing to society and meeting people - some of these people might become friends, some might not but at least I am out and about & not just withdrawing into a shell.
It might be (not wanting to be offensive) that you come across as a little bit 'needy' in wanting to make friends ............ in my opinion the best thing is to find something that you really like doing, whether it is dancing/joining a political party/singing/helping at a cats' home - it doesn't matter what it is, you will be active and with like minded people.
Hmm. I think maybe your loud sister and her awful friends can't have helped OP.
Some great advice on here.
I too think you should focus less on what others think of you, and instead focus on what you think of them.
Remember-you are also seeing if you like them.
It sounds like your self worth has become so low that you are crippled with self conciousness, and sometimes attract predators and users because of this. Some people feed off the insecurities of others and they can sniff out a victim a mile away. That is not your fault; it is their failing.
You sound great to me, and I am sure there is actually nothing wrong with you. Yeah, maybe you are on the Aspie spectrum, but that's OK. Lots of people are, and they find other like minded folk to be friends with.
My Dad always told me to bear in mind that everyone is insecure-some people just show it more than others.
Baby groups are tough. When I had ds I was very lonely and tried a couple of groups which I hated. All the other mums seemed to have known each other from school and were very overbearing . They made me feel like a real square peg(and I am quite extroverted).
Later I found a nice playgroup and began to talk to people. I do tend to sometimes say slightly inappropriate things when nervous but find that the people I get on with are the ones who have a sense of humour and find me charming (as opposed to obnoxious!).
Everyone fits with someone.
Agree about finding things just for you, things that you enjoy, and worrying less about saying the "right" things. I have met lots of people that are by the book "naice" and tbh often find them dull. It's the ones who are just being themselves and to hell with convention that I am drawn to.
OP, your posts really resonate with me because I'm just like you. As I've just said on another thread, I'm a quiet, shy introvert and in the past I've been perceived as snotty, snobby, distant, cold, boring, dull and lacking in personality. I don't have much confidence in social situations, especially large groups, and in the past I've been ignored, dismissed and talked over. In fact it happened as recently as last week. 
If I'm with friends and they ask me something, for instance how work is going, I'll start telling them and then one of them will wander off to deal with their kids, get their phone out and look at it, or even just start talking about something else. I stop talking then because it's clear they're not really interested.
I'd like more friends (I don't have many) but would like some friends that are a bit more like me. I wish others wouldn't be quite so judgemental of my personality but I can't change other people, and I'm not prepared to completely overhaul my natural personality just to fit in with the 'norm'. I'm not the kind of person who speaks just for the sake of it - I prefer to listen. After all, you can't hear other people if you never stop talking. We have one mouth and two ears for a reason.
I'm watching The Village on Watch, and Joaquin Phoenix's character has already been described as 'the quiet one' and 'not fond of speaking' and we're only twenty minutes in. I can so relate to that character .
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.