To think I will never ever fit in or make friends?

[Dineatmydiner]

Is it possible that you can never ever learn social skills or fit in with people?

I've not had friends all through school. College was going to be my chance! Nope messed up again. Then university. And work. No friends.

I don't do anything wrong in the sense of being mean or horrible or raving on about boring stuff. Maybe I am boring though just by being? People talk over me as if I'm invisible or don't exist. Even my ex boyfriend used to do it.

There's another conundrum. I've had relationships but i guess looking back I was targeted by abusive men who probably saw how desperate for interaction I was. It certainly made me put up with a lot from them.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm alone all the time. I don't work (health stuff) but even if I did I doubt I would make friends. I manage to get spoken to but if anyone more interesting enters the room I will get cut off and talked over.

I should emphasise again, I'm not the kind of person who chats on when the other person is sending "I'm bored" signals. I'm very cautious of this due to worrying if that's why I had no friends.

I've been asked before by someone if I was sure I hadn't been missed for a diagnosis of aspergers but I've read into that and while a lot of it fits me, there's still some that doesn't so that rules that out.

Am I being unreasonable to think that I'm just someone people don't want as a friend and ill never fit in? I wouldn't want to be friends with me I guess!

[Pinot]

Dededum you should come to the introverts thread in "other Subjects" started by the awesome NorksAreMessy :) Unless you're on it already?

[minouminou]

Never thought of it like that, Dededum. That's a valuable insight.

My chums, in my mind's eye, are like a display in a sweet shop....fab, enjoyable, different colours and flavours (in terms of personality and "being" IYSWIM). Every new person is like a new sort of sweet that's just been put on the shelf, waiting to be discovered.

[minouminou]

Ha ha! Shall I have a look at the introverts' thread?

[BehindLockNumberNine]

Oh my word, have only read Pinot's last post and want to shout "That's me!!!"


I am fab at small talk. Everybody tells me how sociable and chatty and outgoing and bubbly I am.
But I am rubbish at long, sometimes indepth conversations. They wear me out, I come home with a headache.

I am terrified of parties or get-togethers where there will be a group of people.
I love love love my own company (incl of course dh, ds, dd)
I have been known to get out of going to parties feigning illness as I just feel so uncomfortable and out of my depth

But I am happiest at home, with a good book. Am embracing that fully

[Pinot]

:o S'great innit! We're normal! Just introverts :o

Seriously, come over to the Introverts thread. And get "Quiet" by Susan Cain (I think that's right - Norks will know) it's a fab book about how introverts actually rule the fecking world and are all colours of awesome are OK, thankyouverymuchindeed World.

Every word of what you said, BLNN, is classic introversion. 100% It's normal and it's OK.

[Chandon]

OP, do you have a partner? What does he think? You cannot be that rubbish at human interaction if you have a child, you must at least have clicked somewhere with someone ;)

It is very normal to feel as you do, there are many writers who write about being " an outsider looking in", and wondering what they are doing wrong (all Anita Brookner novels deal with this subject, but not everyone likes her books.)

Being sociable is hard work, and It always feels like quite an effort to me.

And don't think in terms of "losers" and popular people, life isn't like that.

[minouminou]

No way! It actually TIRES you? But the things that tire you, Behind, are the things that Dededum enjoys. Do you think that it's a case of either or, for introverts? You just can't do superficial AND deep?

[Pinot]

Quite right Chandon.

And loners and losers are very very different things.

[minouminou]

Value judgements - losersvloners - aside, though, the OP has said she's lonely, so we need a combo of people telling her that she doesn't need to worry about being wildly popular and other people telling her how to gather like-minded people to her. I hope we're doing that.

[Dededum]

Maybe I am not an introvert

Don't like parties either really, can do them, easier if I don't know anyone if that makes sense. Then I can go into autopilot and rattle through work, travel, family...

I tend to hit the dance floor, love dancing, no talking required... Met DH at a club and we spent hours talking about how we loved dancing.

[Pinot]

Dede, there are different types of introverts, same as there are for extroverts.

But yes - no derailing. OP, have a think about what you are and see what suits you.

There is not only one right way, that's my point.

[minouminou]

Come on, Dededum...join us.......baaaahahahahahhhhhhhh.......
Release your inner gobshite....

[Dededum]

There is a difference between being quiet and being an introvert. You can be both but don't think you have to be both. Maybe OP is just quiet not an introvert??

You can be loud, confident and an introvert. Thats me. Therefore could you be shy, quiet and an extrovert? IE: needing other people around you.

DO think OP you issues of health, maybe depression is what you should be concentrating on.

[Chandon]

Ideas then: join a creative writing group, lots of writers are loners. Or a book club, lots of avid readers are loners. Or join the PTA

Nt sure about the drama club, as in my experience that is full of people who like an audience, and are not that good at listening ( broad generalisation).

Me, I am a part time loner. I have become more sociable with age ( at secondary I would often have lunch on my own as I could not face the whole group thing, and going up to classmates and talk to them).

[TheLightPassenger]

Interesting thread. I am v socially anxious, so appear v introverted, have lost touch with most of my old friends through relocation/childrearing etc. Some great practical advice, particularly from TSC. I have problems being heard as well in convos, not sure if I talk too quietly or am bad at id'ing appropriate gaps in convos.

I am sort of the reverse to what
Pinot describes, hopeless at small talk, much better at long deep and meaningful one on one convo. I probably struggle to talk about myself, and feel more comfortable hearing others problems etc, but that sometimes leaves me feeling drained.

[Dededum]

Maybe minouminou - but I am picky about my friends

[Pinot]

Introversion is a huge subject - I can only represent the part of it tat is personal to me. But if any of these comments ring a bell, do investigate introversion - it may 'click' that your normal is just fine :)

[BehindLockNumberNine]

I don't know mini...

I can do deep with dh and with two best friends. And I can do smalltalk with anyone and everyone.
But I cannot do the bit 'inbetween'. The bit that helps people transform small talk with a person into a friendship. Or I can for a little bit. But then after a while I find the get togethers hard work. I don't know the social 'rules'. Do I stick to small talk, will I run out of things to talk about, how do I know what is a joke and what is not...

I really only feel comfortable with dh and some very close friends.

School was a struggle. I did make some nice friends at uni.
I have never had many friends, I tend to have one or two close friends and then a selection of people with whom I am able to make small talk.

I always thought I was slightly odd?

Dh really does not 'do' people. He is, again, very happy to make small talk, gets on well with all the neighbours, always chatting to them over the fence.
But does not feel comfortable in social settings such as parties either.

[tazmo]

Hi

I haven't read all posts - but I can sympathise. I had lots of friends at my first primary school and then we moved twice in quick succession landing in a small/parochial school in Scotland where my accent didn't fit in. I then had literally no friends in high school. I had one but she was a right beatch (was friends with her in 5th year, but completely blanked me in 6th year - doing my confidence a whole load of good and me spending all my time alone durin breaks etc).

Then I went to uni and made a real effort - I mean a REAL effort and was actually quite popular. Did a PhD and met my DH there and a number of other nice people -but my PhD didn't work out/I got depressed and lost a lot of friends there because I became introverted.

Then have moved between Scotland/England and met a few nice people (but was also not invited out in some social circles for one reason or another) - but since I've had children. My lord - the politics and it really feels like being back at school again!!! I find it really hard to make friends these days - and the people I do talk to - I haven't quite got to the coffee stage. Only one person took my number in soft play and we get on alright. Or so I thought - but the other day, she invited me over to hers - then said she'd got the chance to go to this place (where I know one of her friends stays) and she blew me out the water - saying she couldn't catch up on Mon and so could she meet up with me Thurs/Fri. So basically, I'm her 'filling in time' unless a better offer comes along. How do you think that made me feel?

My second antenatal class - we were all meeting up for coffee before the births of the babies. one of them was my neighbour. Then my neighbour invited all the women of my age group and not me over!!! Not sure what all that was about - but not very comforting.

I do have friends but they are over an hours drive away or overseas so I find myself on my own a lot in my town - and I've been here 10 years!!! I have also been omitted from several circles (not sure why?). My good friends say I can look totally unimpressed if I don't agree with what someone says - so maybe thats it. Have been called 'needy' by some people on mumsnet - which is totally not the case. If anything, I don't like to impose on other people so maybe I come across as aloof.

There was one 'odd' parent at my son's birthday party. I tried to make small talk - but she was really awkward with me and other mothers. My DH said he asked her to hold this mat against the bouncy cushion - and she said, I can do that - its just talk to other parents that I can't do. My husband thought she was slightly aspergers but found her really interesting. It may be worth getting a diagnosis if you feel you have this - at least you can say, My name is XXX and I have aspergers. Think you'd break the ice with that!

T

[Phineyj]

My DH and my SIL are both introverts. He has some strong interests all of which involve what anthropologists call 'intermediary objects' e.g. Bikes, cars, models, wine -- so there's always something to talk about. It seems to remove the stress for him of noticing things about other people, remembering their/their kids' names. My SIL I imagine find me one of the scary extroverts described above. She never says hello to me, doesn't make eye contact, never asks me any questions... Yet her other behaviour suggests she quite likes me? I find this bizarre but I don't think people like this realise how off-putting it can be. She seems to be successful at making friends though the church she belongs to - she leads groups there and seems to be very valued. So OP, I think you need to find your 'intermediary object'/activity and then you will naturally get chatting to people.

[Phineyj]

Er models as in trains, that sounded sleazy!!

[Butterycrumble]

You know I was thinking of posting because I have a friend who has no friends really at all, I am more of a mother figure to her and would love to be able to help her have more friends. She is useless at making any, hopeless at social chat, probably hopeless at meaningful chat. She has had a difficult life, a difficult present, and is isolated and lonely.

She is however a truly lovely person, very capable of being a genuine friend, the last person in the world to be suddenly unpleasant or spiteful. She is honest, generous and just a bit out of step with society. Life has left her rather paranoid and increasingly unwilling to even try with friendships ... She has trusted new people too much sometimes.

Anyway op, presuming you are genuine, pm me if you fancy and I will mail you. Maybe I could set you up as pen friends/email friends and you could go from there!

[minouminou]

You need to get a preemptive strike in, Unfortunate!

"LOVE the hair!" As you breeze past, then don't mention it again.

[Dineatmydiner]

Aaah this thread is going to be like my little bible! Thank you so much everybody for your advice and thank you everyone who has shared their experiences too to show me I'm not the only one who feels like this!

I wonder if maybe I am a little introverted? Social situations do tire me a lot from how hard I concentrate on keeping track of everything that is going on. The feelings showing on your face thing is making me wonder too if when I'm talking to someone, because I'm concentrating on what they are saying, I wonder what my face is doing. Maybe I look bored or blank when I'm actually taking it all in? That would definitely put people off!

I am feeling a lot more positive after this thread and I'm looking forward to putting all these tips into practice once I've got myself sorted with feeling better about myself and liking myself. I think once I feel good about myself I'm going to give a baby group a go and have a look into evening classes or maybe some sort of hobby/activity group where I could meet people who might share a common interest. Even if I don't make friends there I guess it will be good practice and maybe friends will come with time once I (hopefully) get a bit better at reading people and situations!

Thanks again everybody, I really do appreciate it! :D