to think I am a USELESS mum - don't know how others do it.

[abouttohaveameltdown]

Have spent most of today in tears and am disgusted with myself.

Have DD 3.5 and DS 16months. Just cannot seem to cope and don't know how others do.

DS requires my atention full time. He is very high maintenance. He is into everything and you cannot turn your back on him for a second. He is quite a clingy and tearful baby and I just feel I cannot look after him and DD and DD suffers. All she ever hears from me is Later, Not just now, Sorry I have to look after DS.

She got lots of lovely toys for Xmas, jigsaws, games, etc and all she wants to do is play with me but it's literally impossible, DS comes and trashes whatever she is playing with or I need to stop playing with her after a few minutes to take his fingers out the socket/stop him pulling furniture on top of himself. I love him so much it hurts but I do not know how to manage them both. She still has a nap so the only time we get together is a brief half an hour before her bedtime, which is often interrupted by DS waking. DH works long hours and is rarely home before 9 - no option for this to change.

Today he wouldn't stay in his high chair at dinner and screamed his head off to get out, when I let him out he just kept climbing up on the dinner table, so I put him in his play pen thing and he just screamed. Eventually poor DD was left to eat dinner herself while I managed him. Earlier today it genuinely broke my heart, after trying and failing to do her jigsaw with her a few times and DS breaking it she packed it in his box and went up to her room and did it by herself. I sat and cried.

My house is a filthy mess, I am exhausted and overweight, I don't have the time or energy to make healthy meals so just stuff crap in my mouth all day. I haven't washed my hair for days and I have BO. When they go to bed I spend 2 hours cleaning then go to bed myself. We couldn't afford a cleaner. I have no time to read or watch TV or do anything. I always have the intention of taking them to playgroup but by 9am I'm so exhausted I can't face it, I told you, I'm useless. More often than not I stick the TV on in desperation for DD as any attempt at play is just thwarted. I found myself screaming at DS today WILL YOU JUST LET HER PLAY!!! Then burst into tears as I was so disgusted with myself at shouting at my baby.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

I really sympathise - I have a similar age gap and my youngest was and is an exhausting terror.

Today is Sunday - why wasn't your DH sharing the childcare?

There is nothing wrong with your DD playing in her room for spells so that she gets peace to finish a game - encourage this!

Does she go to preschool?

Clean yourself first and your house second, then you can always go out.

[Samnella]

YABU.

You are most certainly not useless.

I totally understand and remember the days you describe.I lost my temper with mine several times and would be a screaming horrible banshee which I am not proud of but they don't remember. I promise it gets easier. You have probably had all these tactics but this is what I tried (but didn't always manage) at that age:

1. Strcuture to the day with one activity outside of the house to to work around nap times.
   
2. Dedicated time for your DD whilst your DS sleeps.
   
3. Forget any sort of meaningful cleaning for now.
   
4. Buy some boxes to put all the toys and general stuff that accumulates in the day so you don't have to look at it.
   
5. If possible have some time out reguarly.
   
6. A routine to the day so you know once 6.30 or 7 comes it's your time to unwind.
   

I feel for you OP this stage is the pits. Have you thought about returning to work if you are not already? It will depend on your circumstances but I stayed at home for a few years and was utterly miserable and broke by the end. I am much happier now I am working. Or could you afford some chidcare for your DS or get GP to help a bit?

This is just a phase. It won't last. In fact my children are not that much older now and apart from the constant bickering (there is always a phase) life is much easier now. DH and I sat on the sofa readng the papers and drinking coffee this morning whilst they played upstairs. I recall a time when I thought it wouldn't be possible to even make a coffee let alone drink one.


Have a hug

[abouttohaveameltdown]

DH was out climbing for the day. He is great at weekends and leaves me to lie in and does lots of housework but like me never gets any time to do his hobbies so I really encouraged him to do this today - have ruined it by sobbing down the phone to him though.

[MissBetseyTrotwood]

So next weekend, you go out for a morning, afternoon or evening. Or go out with your DD if you're missing spending time with her. Divide and conquer! Plan the trip with her, even if it's only to the supermarket or cafe or park.

Re. the doing something alone, or with friends just for yourself. I found this quite hard at first - I'd sort of forgotten the ability to relax alone. Going to a structured thing really helped, like yoga. Shopping also. I'd get the opportunity to go and get new essentials for myself and would look forward to it for ages before. Then I'd arrive at the shops and it would overwhelm me and I'd just look at the kids' things instead. I had to re learn those bits of myself.

However, my friend in a similar situation to me had no such difficulties!

[minouminou]

We. Have. All. Been. There.

I've got a gap of 2.5 years, and DD (the younger) was a screamer/clinger/crier/rubbish sleeper and my poor DS was sidelined (so I felt) for quite some time. She was quite phenomenal - I mean, experienced childcare professionals were apprehensive about her moving up into their age group rooms!

Our saviour was nursery - they both went three afternoons a week from when DD was eight months old (it went up to two full days, then DS started school and DD's in three full days now). For those three afternoons, DS had the attention of his chums and his beloved carers, and wasn't around me or DD.
I got a break from DD (I was working, but...ya know....).

DP was great with DS, but DD was very much my territory, as she wouldn't have anyone but me for ages.

I felt that I was neglecting DS, and I did shout quite a bit. I always made sure that I had a cuddle and a chat with him when he went to bed, but it was hard work for a good while. DS migrated over to DP very strongly at this time, which was sad but helpful (IYSWIM), and basically I didn't try too hard to get him back!

It wasn't a great period, but the one thing that I could do when we were together was to get out to the park or wherever. We all felt better for it, and DD would often drop off in her pram so I could have a bit of one-to-one with DS.
As well as this, we had lots of playdates and so on, which diluted the clashing mix of our personalities and distracted both DD and DS.
You're NOT rubbish at all! It's bloody hard work, and the fact that you feel bad means you're not rubbish.

[Branleuse]

its a hard age. Can you sign him up for pre-school?

[minouminou]

And to echo the posts above - it really is just a phase. They're six and almost four now, and they play quite well. DD is still a gobshite lively and there's the occasional spat, but life is so much more peaceful.

[Viviennemary]

You are not useless. I also agree with get a play pen. We moved when DD was nearly two. The house didn't seem that safe until we had unpacked properly. She didn't spend a lot of time in it probably only 15-20 minutes at a time but it was enough to keep my sanity. Plenty of toys and even TV on. Shock horror. But you have to cope somehow.

[Pigsmummy]

Give yourself a minute to shower and wash your hair, the 2 hours of cleaning can wait and you will feel better with clean hair and smelling nice. I know,i bathed today but haven't washed my hair since Tuesday!!! Get some dry shampoo too.

Dont worry too much about DD, we were brought in an age where we lived with siblings rather than they be shipped off, so I am sure what she is expericing isnt really much different than any child that has a baby come along.

[Pigsmummy]

Give yourself some credit too, you sound lovely x

[LuluMai]

Aw poor you :-( I don't have any advise as I only have one DC but I just feel so sorry for you from your post. Really hope you manage to get things sorted and you start to feel better and you are most definitely NOT a rubbish mum! x

[TerraNotSoFirma]

Oh I could have written that post just a few short months ago.
I have 21 months between my DD & DS and there were days where I felt I'd made a terrible mistake having a second child.

One thing that worked for me was, after breakfast, filling the bath up a little and letting DS splash in it while I had a shower. DD would play with a toy on the bathroom floor and we would chat and sing songs.
I would get them dressed and put DS In his cot with a toy while I got ready, yes he would whinge, cry sometimes even scream, but it wasn't for long.
The difference in my mood just having everybody up, fed, clean and dressed, honestly it made such a big difference. (It would usually be lunchtime by the time it was all done)

Maybe try working on that first, then focus on the other things like housework later when you are feeling stronger.

You WILL get through this and you are NOT rubbish.

[wiltingfast]

First of all, these ages are HARD, ok? Mine are similar, 3.5 and 21m.

It sounds mad but you have to try and master the art of playing with them both at the same time. Try and get them enjoying each other a bit.

Eg DS(3yo) loves his trains. Dd invariably tramples all over it and knocks bit s down or cries because it has hurt her feet. I build the track (while dd clims all over me), narrate the action (while managing dd and trying to distract her from track, then when she gets on track and knocks it down I start shouting "o noooo, baaaaby on the traaack" and make a game of it. Make it as FUN a you can manage, silly voices, ack how annoying the younger one is "isn't she LOUD!/Silly etc" try and make 'em laugh.

Art is another communal activity that they do together (separte equipment but at same table). You can sit between.

Also chasing games v poopular, bit of rough and tumble on couch, again I encourage interaction but obv I'm watchful but try not to interfere too much. Think this helps them like each other.

Otherwise sounds like you are overly worried about what he is at, childproof room and thereafter assume he is safe. Eg I think sockets are safe nowadays. Can't electrocute himself with a finger. He falls over or bangs a knee, so what? You can comfort him. No need to try and prevent every endless thing from happening!

I work ft btw, I find managing the interaction much more tiring than work. You are trying to do this all day everyday with little support. Don't be so hard on yourself, this is tough. Ceebebies is great. Sit on the couch with them, narrate it a bit and have a cup of tea.

As for housework, lower your standards ;)

Hth Wx

[minouminou]

Re-reading your post - you say by 9.00am you're exhausted. You won't feel like it, but GET OUT! You'll float home, I tell you. My neck and shoulders used to be in knots at times, but getting out just lifted this weight off me. I used to think to myself "Why did we stay in until lunchtime, miserable and shouty? We should have got out sooner, then we'd have been as happy as we are now much earlier."

[Bogeyface]

The house will not fall down because you havent cleaned up. If you think "Sod it" and go to the park then the house will still be there when you get back.

Do the bare minimum during the week (and no that doesnt include hoovering or dusting), dont do any ironing that isnt absolutely essential and that means DH can do his own, and make the most of the time when you are cooking to make yourself some meals for the week. Make a crustless quiche (piss easy, and tastes amazing) which you can have for breakfast and lunch, either cold from the fridge or nuke it for a minute or so. If you are making a casserole or curry or stew, make extra so you can nuke that. I found that it makes no difference when you are cooking anyway to do a bit more, but saves alot of time and effort on lunches etc.

And consider whether you really cant afford a cleaner. Have a look at your budget and see if you can cut £20 a week anywhere, or even, £20 a month. 2 hours a month by a professional cleaner would give you a good starting point to keep things going until the next time she comes. She could do more in 2 hours than you could do all week because that is all she is doing, she isnt battling 2 toddlers at the same time!

I thought we couldnt afford one, but mine was charing £8 per hour so she came for 2 hours a week and by not buying a couple of magazines and meeting my sister for coffee at home instead of out, it was paid for.

[minouminou]

Yup yup - batch cooking is your friend! We make something like a big chili/spog bog/whatever AND (and this is the clever bit) bulk cook the rice and quinoa, or pasta to go with it. If you use different sizes of freezer container, you can have it for lunch, dinner or the kids can have a small portion.
If you're freezing rice, bung it in the freezer as soon as it's cooled down to room temp and only reheat once. Put oil on the pasta before you freeze it.

[SpicyPear]

I'm not a mum, but just wanted to come on and say that if you were my friend and you told me what you have said in your post, I would happily help if I could. Maybe watch DCs while you had a long shower, or do some washing and cleaning while you watch them. So don't be afraid to tell people, including DH, or ask for help to get you through this difficult stage.

[Loie159]

Poor poor you....... You are not a rubbish mum I promise. I have 15 months between mine and at times it has been unbelievably difficult, in ways I could never have imagined.... You have had some wonderful advice on here so I won't repeat the excellent suggestions that have already been made. My suggestions would be to downgrade expectations. This is what I did and it saved me !

So I would take mine into my room, cuddle up I. Bed with them snd watch a film. If the youngest wasn't into the film I put toys snd books on the floor and they would just rampage about. Although you are watching tv, you are able to talk and enjoy something together. Little wins/ positive experiences make it feel less tiring. Go to soft play and let them run wild with you. Personally I love a roll around in soft play?', snd again it's something you can all do. I also did things like play doh, basic craft - so things where both can do at different levels. Don't worry about being perfect/ loosing weight/ having a tidy home - it takes time to get to that stage. And it will come.

Find ways - even if its 10 minutes here and there to make your life easier, and you will feel much better and less down on yourself. Looking back I have no idea how I did it, but I did and we all came through it. You and your DC will too.

[FaceLikeAPickledOnion]

You sound like a lovely mum doing her very best.
If you're anywhere near me, your ds could come to play with my ds and give you time with your dd, we're in worcestershire.

[stopgap]

I really feel for you OP. I only have one childalso sixteen monthsand I feel like tearing my hair out some days, as I have a trying health condition, a DH who works insanely long hours, no family close by etc.

I have a sitter nowtwice a week for a few hoursand it's a bloody godsend. Prior to finding her, though, I teamed up with a friend with a child the same age, and we took turns sitting while one of us napped, ran an errand, went for a run etc. I don't know if you have a good mum friend close by that you can trust?

[GoingToBedfordshire]

OP, do hope you're feeling better this morning.

So much kindness on this thread, you are definitely not alone.

[IfYouCanMoveItItsNotBroken]

I could be writing this today! My kids are 4, 18mos and 3mos, I feel like none of them get adequate attention. Usually my partner works on a Saturday morning but I was really excited to realise I could lie in bed longer this past Saturday as he had it off. Little did I know he had promised his sister he would fix her car on Saturday and spent from 7.30am until 4.30pm in the workshop at his work. I cried. It's absolutely exhausting having a toddler, the baby is easy but at 18 months old I can't take my eye off him for a second. He climbs, throws, runs and only ever wants to play with whatever my daughter is playing. He is absolutely destructive. I also have to drive daughter 5 miles to nursery and walk 500 yards to door while holding both boys, it's the worst part of every day. It's only Monday and I'm shattered.

BUT I keep reminding myself (while looking like a bag of shit surrounded by immaculately presented mums) that until my toddler learns to take a telling that this is going to be the hardest part of parenting. It's a universal truth. Kids are hard when they are young, everyone feels the way you do at some point. And to prove my point since I've been writing this I've had to confiscate 3 felt tips as my son just discovered that they draw on walls. Not long yet, it gets easier from here!

[DragonMamma]

I could have written this post too. As so many others have said, it DOES get easier, my DS is now 21mo and they have magically started playing together and he likes to a bit of colouring with his DSis at the table.

I don't know what your DS is like but mine is totally obsessed with cleaning, so I give him a cloth and 'polish' and he does the cleaning whilst I do mine. He's actually a dab hand with the hoover and will happily just stand there moving it back and forth for ages. He loves it that much that it's all done by the time he has a nap and I can sit down and do precisely nothing carry on with more cleaning.

DD is in school now which has helped things, more so now DS is down to a lunch time nap and we aren't trying to juggle school runs with nap times.

My DD has been very understanding of her DB taking a lot of my attention but I try and make time to watch her 'shows' and join in with her singing and dancing then praise her up when she helps with DS

[MovingOnNow]

Lower your standards and bump yourself up your priority list. Clean loos, sinks and clothes (fold them forget ironing). When they go to bed have a shower and a cuppa. Even if you still do some housework after, you will feel calmer. Don't feel guilty if you are not enjoying them, just make sure they are safe and well looked after. Get out for a walk or park every day, or even just the garden. Do not stay in the house all day! It gets better, it really does. Mine are at school, I was just thinking how much I missed them being little, but your post has reminded me lol it all looks so much cuter in retrospect on the photos!

[abouttohaveameltdown]

Am just back on here, thank you so much to everyone who replied and who offered help. I already have a playpen so thanks so much for offering me one, it's really, really kind.

Pickledonion;I am unfortunately about as far from Worcestershire as you can get, but that would have been lovely otherwise.

I've had a much better day today. I read this little poem online, it sounds a bit naff but am going to try to keep it in mind...it basically said, slow down, forget the housework, just play with your children and enjoy them as childhood is so short. And it's true..I'm not going to look back and regret all the dishes I didn't do, but I will regret not enjoying them so I'm going to try harder to relax, not see the mess, and importantly get out the house as much as we can. Thanks everyone, you are all lovely.xx