To think DH could be a bit more interested in remembering our DS as a baby?

[slatternlymother]

Following really from watching OBEM tonight, and I'm well aware I might be being a bit unreasonable; I'm on atm and starting a new diet, so a bit emotional anyway.

I was chatting about DS and his birth (it wasn't difficult; just very quick) and DH kind of went 'mmm' and 'yeah', I was asking him questions about bits I'd forgotten and it was clear he just wasn't interested in talking about it.

I asked him why and how he felt, it's not something I talk about much (this is the first time in easily 6 months) so I don't feel it's an overdone subject. He said that he struggled so much during the first year, that he doesn't like talking about it.

I understand he suffered; perhaps he had some sort of male PND. I certainly had very debilitating PND for the first year, and it was hard. I know there were some shit times, really horrible ones. But there were some good times too. DS' birth being one of them, and there are so many things I'd like to ask DH and get an answer for. I know he suffered, but I did too and I'm ready to put it away now, and try to remember the good times. I don't want it to be some kind of 'black year' that no one talks about because it was so shit. Because it wasn't. We're out the other end now.

I don't know. I'm probably being a sap. But if I can't reminisce with DH, who can I reminisce with?

AIBU?

[piprabbit]

With hindsight I think I had PND after my DS was born (although it was never diagnosed and I sort of trundled on, going through the motions). I have very, very few memories of my DS's first years. Everything after we got home from hospital is pretty much a blank, I don't remember his first words, or walking, or crawling - just occasional flashbacks like photos of the odd specific moment. It makes me very sad to think about it. I can't even fill in his baby book, so DD has one and DS doesn't.

It is just possible that your DH simply doesn't remember much. Not because he doesn't care but because he can't. Don't assume the worst of him.

[Avuncular]

Enter 'funny bugger' DH

I think we can all go as gooey as the next person - but you just have to choose the moment OP, particularly if it was a tough time for him

Just 'chill out' - it'll all come right in the end. One day you'll both be laughing about it together, and you'll wonder what all the fuss was about

'Men are from Mars', anyone?

[slatternlymother]

Oh well, ok if you'd prefer it there

[OliviaPeacein2013Mumsnet]

Hi there OP
Do let us know if youd like us to move this to our relationships topic
Thanks

[PomBearWithAnOFRS]

I remember the day the drug addict from next door gave my pfb a stolen mars bar to eat, and when I took it away, gave him another one. I have never been able to eat a mars since, I swear it was on the ceiling and in every crevice and orifice... He was one (pfb not druggie) and we were living in a bedsit in a right dodgy area full of bedsits, and this particular person would come round when he was high, to play with the baby's toys apparently they are fascinating when one is off ones box on lsd or magic mushrooms
So HA! to your wee bit of twix at 2.3 and probably shouldn't be really saying all this but what the hell my exH, pfb's father, once put 6 week old pfb, in his carrycot (in the days when straps for the carrycot counted as a carseat) on the roof of the car, then got in and started to drive off I have never ever moved so fast in my entire life. That was just one of the reasons he was my ex by the time pfb was one!

[Purpleprickles]

The fact he said he felt frightened and out of control sounds to me like he felt he let you and ds down. He probably felt he should have been in control and to admit that he wasn't and couldn't be must be hard.

[marriedinwhite]

OP - it just wasn't how you thought it would be and you are grieving for how it should have been. We can't change how it was but we can help you look forward.

I'm going to bed now but will look in again in the morning. And am really glad that some of the sensible mnetters who have been around a while and have older children have come on here for you.

Sleep tight.

[slatternlymother]

The most he's ever said is he felt out of control and really frightened.

And I think 'talk to me then. Please. I want to listen. I want to know what it was like for you.'

It's the most intimate thing I've shared with anyone, I was so vulnerable at that moment and he won't share it with me.

I feel like there's this piece missing.

And honestly, that first 6 months was shit. But not all of it. By the time he was 1, we were so sorted. Well. There or thereabouts.

[Purpleprickles]

And I don't think you are horrible for being cross that your DH was depressed when you needed support. You were being human.

[Purpleprickles]

Ok I'll see your bad mum stance and raise you (or whatever the betting talk is).... not strapping ds into his buggy when he was 2 and then accidentally tipping him into the road, yelling at him for various reasons on various days, forcing him to bath and have hair washed through screams, losing him for approx 5mins in legoland, opening the car door onto his head...

[slatternlymother]

Thankyou thebody

[marriedinwhite]

That sounds like being a good mum to me slatternlymother. Being a bad mum include leaving them to sit in their poop when you are on the pop, not bathing them at all, hitting them, being unkind, showing no love and selling their Xmas presents for a hit. They like chocolate. Mine had a sweetie ration from very small because it was a very small thing that could be taken away when they were naughty.

A very wise mummy said to me once that it was perfectly sensible to give a child a packet of smarties if they were doing your head in because a filling in a milk tooth was far better than a wallop from a mummy at the end of her tether and I think there's some truth in that. And there's nothing at all wrong with a sweet treat.

[thebody]

Now u listen to me op!!! Hear it loud and clear!!!

YOU ARE FANTASTIC AND YOU HAVE NOT FAILED!!!!!!!!

It's perfectly understandable to want to chat about your birth to your dh. I do this with my dh about our oldest and he is 23!!! He nearly died and I didn't know.. Dh told me after and about how ill Iwe bith were.He still finds it hard to talk about it and its frustrating as you want to fill in the blanks.

I know it's because he loves us and thought we would die. Maybe your dh feels the same and wants to focus on the now...

4 kids later and I still want to talk about it. He still doesn't.

Op your dh means well but just wanted to let u know totally understand.

[slatternlymother]

No he is 2.3

[slatternlymother]

I have had counselling for PND and it did really help; it helped me realise my DH had been depressed as well and that it wasn't his fault. I felt an irrational anger (and this is fucking HORRIBLE. Evil even), that if I had such severe PND, he shouldn't have gotten ill. Like he didnt have the right, like he should have looked after me more, taken care of me.

There. I've said it. That's horrible. It was how I felt at the time. Not any more, but at the time.

[Glitterkitten24]

Op I kind of get where your DHis coming from.
I had a failed induction, followed by eventual crash section. At the time I only thought 'at least me and baby are safe', but as time has gone on, I find it difficult to think back to my son being born and feel anything but terror at how scared I felt and how out of control I was of the whole thing.

I guess it wast a traumatic birth compared to what some people experience, but I can't really talk about it yet as it only brings up bad memories for me.
And when hubby stopped tv channel hopping at OBEM the other night I all but bit his head off that I didn't want to watch it (loved it before!)

Anyway, I'm rambling but I guess he will talk when he's ready to. Don't take it personally, and enough of the 'failure' talk, I don't believe for a minute that you aren't doing a fabulous job as a mum.

[slatternlymother]

I'm not a good mum; passable maybe! My offences include making him have a bath and clean his teeth even though he screams all the way through (he is just too damn heavy to shower any longer), hiding his doctor's case for a week so he'd play with his Christmas presents, and still occasionally using the pram because I need to get a trip done quickly. Oh, and last week I fed him a bit of Twix

[marriedinwhite]

Talk it through with us. We've all been there and we've all had DH's who didn't much want to listen. First babies are hard, harder because often when you have them you don't know how your partner will react. By the time you have the second you know your partner better and you know what to expect.

If you really need to talk can you talk to a counsellor and get it out of your system that way. It's really normal to feel as you do I think. My DH's response was "well we've got a lovely baby so that's fine".

[Purpleprickles]

Can you talk it through here?

[slatternlymother]

pombear you didn't sound patronising at all. Honestly.

It's all so helpful, especially as I'm a bit hormonal atm

[PomBearWithAnOFRS]

Would talking to a counsellor help maybe OP - maybe your DH would even go with you, if he knew it meant a lot to you?

[marriedinwhite]

PomBear - you just made me realise how much I need to pee .

OP - you are undoubtedly a great mum.

[Purpleprickles]

Oh please don't think I think you are being silly. I don't at all. I just get annoyed by the situation of new mums (and I include myself) feeling that we should find it all so easy and I don't think the ones who pretend it is help that situation at all. Becoming a parent is the most frightening thing I have done and of course the most rewarding. I will always remember standing in my kitchen wishing I was at work teaching a class of 30 because it was easier and less frightening than looking after my newborn.

I can totally understand you wanting to talk to dh and you needing answers but it seems like he needs a bit more time.

[slatternlymother]

I want to talk it through with someone so much, I get these moment now and again where I want to so much. I don't know why.

DH shared that with me. It feels like he's withholding his side of the story (not on purpose), it's just how it feels.

I'm not talking about it with friends; id probably bore them to death!

It doesn't seem fair that I can't talk about it without being met with a steel wall.