to not want to support him for 4 years

[Ballyk]

namechanged
been with dh 11 years 4 ds 10,9,4 and 2.
2 years ago dh decided he wanted to quit work and go to uni full time (he is the main earner) he was offered a place on the condition that he passed the exam, he failed the exam and was told what he needed to do to ensure he would be accepted next time he applied. Anyway 2 years later and he has done nothing but thinks he will be accepted this year
I have had various part-time jobs and done several college courses since having my dc, since having my youngest dc I have been a sahm but kept my hand in doing voluntary work and extra courses. For me to progress further and do the job I really want to do I need a degree. I have mentioned this to my dh and he says I am selfish and its his turn to study and my turn to work full-time and that I would not be able to cope with a full-time degree as I am unorganized and all over the place
We have had lots of ups and downs the past few years and at one point split for a while, I was left skint with a mortgage, debts and the children to support while he buggered off partying with his mates and other women.
Obviously we have since got back together, I never want to find myself in that position again and want to be able to support myself and dc.
AIBU to think fuck him, if he really wanted to go to university that much he would have done everything to achieve this, also he doesn't know what job he wants after doing a degree. AIBU to apply for the degree I want to do (only a week to go for applying) and put myself and dc first.

[LessMissAbs]

WhereYouLeftIt I interpreted the OP's post "2 years ago dh decided he wanted to quit work ... Anyway 2 years later and he has done nothing but thinks he will be accepted this year"

as meaning he gave up work two years ago and has not worked since. If the man has been working full-time in that time, then YABU the OP even more. Surely its not U of him to expect some support from the OP after supporting her and the DKs? Otherwise, how can a marriage be a partnership? I find the OP's post a bit difficult to decipher.

[ImperialBlether]

OP, at the end of February onwards, you have to apply for loans/grants. You will be much better off if you are on your own. Mind you, I think you would be anyway, never mind financially.

[JambalayaCodfishPie]

If you are applying through UCAS you have less than a week until deadline day and your application must include a reference. Is he realistically going to get that done by January 15th? Does he even have someone willing to write a reference?

Worry about yourself, OP. The deadline will have come and gone, and he won't have a leg to stand on. Who's not organised now?

[WhereYouLeftIt]

LessMissAbs, I interpreted this differently.

" he failed the exam and was told what he needed to do to ensure he would be accepted next time he applied. Anyway 2 years later and he has done nothing but thinks he will be accepted this year"
I read this as being that he has done nothing of what he was told he needed to do to get accepted. Which hardly indicates ambition on his part.

" Surely its not U of him to expect some support from the OP after supporting her and the DKs?"
Did you miss the bit about how they "split for a while, I was left skint with a mortgage, debts and the children to support while he buggered off partying with his mates and other women."? In OP's shoes, I would see his hankering after the student life (but doing nothing to make it happen) as an extension of his buggering off. So I'd be very wary of him pissing several years up the wall reclaiming his lost youth.

[LessMissAbs]

Agreed hes probably not the best bet for the OP to support at uni as he may well bugger off afterwards with his new degree/skills/earning power.

Not unreasonable in principle to support a partner through uni who has previously done their fair shair working full-time to support the family, as it has a defined aim and is finite.

This relationship just doesn't soun like one thats mutually supportive and trustful enough to accommodate any major kind of change.

[pluCaChange]

Doesn't the SAHP support the one in work, just as much as the other way round?!

[Ballyk]

LessMissAbs - Sorry you find my op hard to decipher I thought I had given enough info. He is early 30s me late 20s. As I have mentioned he isn't sure which degree he wants to do. He has been working full-time for the last 2 years.
As for the fact you are a bit hmm about us not having qualifications before having dcs not sure how you came up with this we did have qualifications and jobs before having dc just not degree level qualifications. He has a good job and as I mentioned I have been gaining extra qualifications while raising my dc.
I really don?t feel I am trying to stifle his ambition I agreed 2 years ago that I would support him through University but he didn't get in and has done nothing since to improve his chances.
As for not having backbone to take responsibility for my own lack of ambition Sorry for the language but were the fuck did that come from!! I have explained in my posts that I have been working, studying and volunteering in the sector I wish to gain a degree in so defiantly do not lack ambition.
Thankyou Lottie garbanzo and WhereYouLeftIt for also pointing this out.
Perhaps he would benefit from a more higher achieving partner than me wouldn't we all
He is stuck in a rut and knows it and feel he is commendable for thinking about doing something about it. But we can all think about doing something about our situation it?s the actual doing which really counts. He failed first time and has not taken the advice given which is not very commendable. Not sure about dh but I?m not that interested in getting the whole uni experience I've missed that boat with that one, I just want to better myself I am currently studying with the OU but for the career I want to pursue the OU do not offer this degree.
As I say he has been working full-time for the past 2 years and would be happy to support him if he knew exactly what he wanted to do and gone about making that happen , but he hasn't he has ignored all advice and now thinks that he would just be accepted on a course.
JambalayaCodfishPie- I am applying through UCAS I have nearly completed application and have a reference in place. He has no reference and still no idea what course he wants to do. Exactly who is the organised one

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Ballyk, if you get in and he doesn't, which is the most likely scenario, what actually changes for him? You said you'd be supporting yourself through bursaries. All but one of your children is at school, will you need extra childcare? Will you need your DH to do more of the childcare at the weekends?

What I'm getting at is, if you get in, does it really affect his life? Or is the only real issue for him the fact that if you're studying full-time, you can't work full-time and support him?

Because if he doesn't get in this time, he won't need supporting anyway, will he? And you can go ahead, and shelve the discussion for another year.

[holidaysarenice]

Both apply, see who gets in.

You may be better off both at uni at once, more loans, benefits and reduced cost of childcare throu uni and less need than you working, in what I'm assuming (apologies if I'm wrong) is not a particularly well paid job.

[holidaysarenice]

Can I ask what it is you want to study...just being nosy!!

[Ballyk]

I spoke to him about it this morning and asked if he was going to apply this year, he says he is but has plenty of time as it doesn't start till September I explained that you had to apply soon (didn't tell him exactly when as I have told him plenty of times) and he said not to worry he can wait for clearing, I mentioned I was thinking of applying and he's gone off in a huff! Wtf so he's going to wait n maybe apply last minute and expects me to put mine on hold for even longer.
No it wouldn't affect him at all if I was to be accepted I sort out all the childcare now so that wounld't change and would do my studying when dc are in bed so that wouldn't affect him either

[pluCaChange]

Then that (childcare) settles it, really. Presumably you wouldn't lose out financially as a family, since you would be cutting non-paying (voluntary) work and would get bursaries...?

[Ballyk]

No we wouldn't be missing out financially in fact we'd be slightly better off what with bursarys and other things I'd be eligible to apply for

[Grapesoda]

If your studying wouldn't affect him why is your question about working ft to support him for 4 years?
Without all the background it would be easy to say YAbu for not supporting him for "his turn" to study.. But the previous separation, his lack of action and his controlling behaviour make me think YANBU and you probably should do whatever you need to do to provide for you and your children.
I hope it all works out for you.

[Sallyingforth]

It sounds to me like your relationship is not strong enough for either of you to rely on the other for any extended period of time.
Sorry if that sounds rude, but that's the message I get from your OP.

[Ballyk]

Thanks grapesoda I would have to work full time to support him if he went to uni
sallingforth no I don't find that rude, probably true. Sad but true

[Grapesoda]

So your returning to uni would affect the family. Sorry if i'm being a bit slow.
If you can't both study at the same time what do you think he would do if you got into uni and he didn't?
Sounds like a v difficult situation.

[Ballyk]

Yes it probably would affect the family/relationship because he'd be jeoalous/pissed off that I'd be going instead of him

[Ballyk]

If I got in and he didn't he'd probably sulk for abit and then hold it against me and not support me with it. It is a very difficult situation

[Hydrophilic]

I don't have anything helpful to add but just wanted to wish you good luck with your UCAS application.

If I were you, I wouldn't say anything more about it until at least Wednesday (16th Jan). I wouldn't even discuss my own application. How does he expect to get a reference in time? I allowed 3 weeks for my reference and even that was cutting it fine in the end.

[pluCaChange]

Well don't delay on the basis of what he MIGHT get through Clearing. If he gets something, you two can always swap deferring study

[Jux]

Sorry to be judgemental, but it sounds as if you'd be better off without him. He'd sulk if you got in and he didn't?
He can't be bothered to apply on time, can't be bothered to do the stuff he was advised to do to help him get in, doesn't know what he wants to study anyway, doesn't know what he'd do after he's finished (assuming he ever starts and does actually manage to finish anyway.

No, sorry, can't see what he's contributing other than money while he's working.

[AThingInYourLife]

He really sounds like a dick.

[tomverlaine]

I am a bit confused.
are you effectively saying that if you got on your degree course then although you wouldn't be financially worse off than you are now he would still have to continue working FT?
I think this is unreasonable really- you are putting what you want (and i understand that you beleive it is better for the family) above what he wants (presume he thinks this is better for the family?)
I don't udnerstand how this would help your dependency on him in the short-term (although it may do in the long term)- if you split up while you were at uni what would happen?

My view is that you are not entitled to have him support you through a degree course FT and neither is he - I think he had more justification than you originally but doesn't now as he is obviously not committed so i don't think he should do it (sounds like he won't anyway)
if he wants to give up work -could you just swap roles for a period to give him a break (he is sahd doing parttime courses etc) whilst you are breadwinner?
i think fundamentally no-one is entitled to have someone support them (or bear the burden of supporting a family alone) unless the others consent to it

[Zalen]

Agreed no-one is fundamentally entitled to have someone else support them, but in a marriage, if one partner is to be a sahp then that is generally what happens, presumably by mutual consent.

I absolutely agree that you should not let him put you off applying for the course you want and have prepared for on the off chance that he will get something he fancies through clearing. My main concern for you is that you get the course you want and he doesn't get what he wants then instead of doing the decent thing and buckling down to support you through your course whilst putting in the effort to prepare himself for his own course he just takes himself off and leaves you to it! It seems he has form for that.

So the big question for me is, if he disappears can you still support yourself through your course? If you can that's excellent, go for it. If you can't then would leaving him now put you in a better position to support yourself through your course? If so then a pre-emptive strike may be in your own best interests. If you'd be up the proverbial creek either way then you might need to do some serious thinking about what you want to do going forward, with or without him and start making plans to get you to where you want to be.