To want dh to buy me a new car?

[IloveChristmasandsodoesmydog]

Before becoming a sahm I always paid for my own things. Since being a sahm I have swapped cars with dh as he had the big car. He used my little run around to commute to work, and then decided to trade it up and buy himself a brand new car. That was fair enough, his car that I swapped for is a lovely big comfortable car.

However it is now getting on a bit and things are starting to go and I feel it is time to swap it for something else. Now if I still earnt my own money it wouldn't be a problem. I would simply find something I liked and buy it. I would discuss it with him but it would be my decision because its my money and my car.

The trouble is I don't earn anymore and don't have any money. So it wouldn't be my money that paid for it, it would be his. I would have to ask him to buy me a car. Now I don't see a massive problem with this. I gave up my earning potential to look after the kids. This was a joint decision, he is happy for me to be at home and he has no problem in being responsible for everything and he is very generous. Except when it comes to a purchase as big as this. Apparently we can't afford to buy another car. Well we could when he wanted one. A brand new one. I'm not asking for a brand new one, just a newer one in better condition.

AIBU to ask him to pay? I feel a bit confused. I know any money that comes into the house should be shared and not seen as just 'his' money. But I still feel as though I have to ask. I guess it's a big purchase but it just doesn't seem to carry as much importance as when he wanted a car. His suits his job and his hobbies so was an important purchase, apparently. Mine just carries the kids in, nothing important.

Reading this back I know I sound a bit whiny and entitled and first world problem, but I can't work out whether I just feel entitled to one because he had one, or whether I'm right to expect him to pay for it. It's going to need replacing at some point and probably before I ever go back to work. There's no way I can afford to pay for a car. I have a bit of an allowance from him and it goes on my personal bills, pension, etc store cards every month.

Apologies for the long rant. Feels better for writing it down!

[DorisIsWaiting]

I think you need a chat where big spending are prioritised ie.e whether car is more important or house or his hobbies etc.

tbh the car will just get more and more expensive get it through the mOT why not bite the bullet to do it this year agree a date etc when it will be suitable.

[DorisIsWaiting]

We were same as helhasnofury 0% deal over five years on a second hand car. There have been 0% deals on 2nd hand cars.

[StuntGirl]

He's right it is a big purchase; did neither of you think about the fact your car might need replacing soon? Perhaps he could have spent less on his car so there would be more towards your car?

But either way you both need to budget for a replacement for your car now.

[DorisIsWaiting]

Why can't He afford it surely it should be we can't afford it.

He thinks it's all his money too?

[IloveChristmasandsodoesmydog]

Thanks for all your replies. Have to go to sleep for a bit but will catch up tomorrow.

I don't know why it's 'his' savings and investments. I guess he started them before he met me. He's always been good with money. I'm, um, not very good with money so he probably doesn't trust any conversation with me that concerns spending it!

He's now saying he is budgeting to replace my car, probably with a little Ford or something. Yeah, not gonna happen. I've got a 2.0 litre VW estate. I'm not going bloody smaller, I wouldn't get anything in it.

[Bobyan]

You don't earn anything.
You don't know your own family finances.
You don't discuss money with your DH.
Are you a surrendered wife? If your not you have unwittingly lost control of your life.

[3smellysocks]

Bobyan - Most marriages are team work - different partners often have different roles. OP works in the home looking after their kids. Because she does this, her DH is able to earn a wage.

[financialwizard]

Actually I think OP's husband has a point. If they can't afford it, they can't afford it. If he had said 'you go and buy what you want dear' and then they were in trouble financially would not be great given the economic uncertainty.

The fact that he has all the savings in his name is a separate issue altogether that does need addressing though.

[Bobyan]

Team work needs communication and agreement, the very fact that the OP doesn't have any knowledge of their FAMILY finances means that something isn't right. It has nothing to do with whether she works or not, its all about equality and having the same spending "rights" as her DH (you know the one with the new car).

[AndABigBirdInaPearTree]

Actually I think OP's husband has a point. If they can't afford it, they can't afford it. If he had said 'you go and buy what you want dear' and then they were in trouble financially would not be great given the economic uncertainty.

I would TA with you without the other stuff, savings he made before they were married being 'his', him having his brand new car whether she liked it or not but having to wait for her used car, 'he' can't afford it, 'his' money etc etc.

If 'he' can't afford it then perhaps 'he' should have got a cheaper car for himself.

Doesn't sound like a partnership. I totally understand the bit about one partner being more careful with money, but that doesn't mean that they should make all the decisions and it FUR SHURE doesn't mean it is 'his' money.

[AndABigBirdInaPearTree]

Oh and how can he be "very generous" with shared money?

[PartridgeInASpicyPearTree]

These threads make me so depressed. I don't understand how in 2013 so many women are prepared to live in ignorance of family finances and put up with having to go begging for hand outs to a "D"H who sees all the money as his own to carry on doing as he pleased with. It just drinks.

[PartridgeInASpicyPearTree]

Gah, stinks, I mean stinks.

[Bobyan]

It would drive me to drink

[IloveChristmasandsodoesmydog]

These threads make me so depressed. I don't understand how in 2013 so many women are prepared to live in ignorance of family finances and put up with having to go begging for hand outs to a "D"H who sees all the money as his own to carry on doing as he pleased with. It just drinks.

Oh dear. I'm afraid some of you have read a bit too much into this.

I have complete control of our day to day finances. I have access to the joint account, in fact I set up half the stuff in it. We pay everything by direct debit to avoid bank charges etc. I know what is in there as I have to budget for shopping etc.

I know who our mortgage is with, what product and rate it's on and in fact set it up, with dh sitting beside me listening to the phone call. We have over 60% equity in our house and was me that picked the house.

I know how much dh earns. I know how much he pays into savings, pension, etc each month. I know who his investments are with because he tells me. We set up investments and savings together for the kids. He did the research into it because, like I said, he's good with money and found the best deal, and I find it quite boring.

I have a pension and I did have an ISA but I used it last year to replace all the windows in the house. I guess had I thought about it then I could have spent it on a car but the windows seemed more important in this freezing cold house.

He has more investments than me because he earns a shit load of money and I don't. In fact the ISA was his money in my name, because he couldn't have any more in that tax year. He doesn't hide it from me and will usually leave his opened post full of statements and forecasts laying round the house for anyone to see. He doesn't have it squirrelled away from me.

So I hope that reassures anyone who thought this thread was a stealth cry for help from a downtrodden housewife. It's really not. My question was is it unreasonable to expect him to pay for a new car. The issues were that I don't earn, and am I entitled to it? The general concensus sems to be that no, it's not unreasonable to expect him to pay and yes I am entitled. I still feel a bit grasping, given that I live in a lovely house and buy myself new clothes and eat well and don't have to go to work. He could say, I don't mind paying all the bills but if you want a new car you could get some part time work and contribute to the costs. Which would be fair enough, especially when the youngest dc goes to school. Which I probably will, or die of boredom.

Sorry for the long rant but I hope that explains things before this thread descends into a social comment about abused wives. I know they exist, but I most certainly am not one. Dh would get extremely short shift if there was the merest sniff of down-treading and probably lose some bedroom activities as well!

[NaturalBaby]

'Oh dear. I'm afraid some of you have read a bit too much into this'

well you didn't do well to start off with 'we can't afford to buy another car' and 'aibu to ask him to pay' (for a newer car). As a family you either can or can't afford a newer car, and you either need or don't need a newer car. If you have issues with the way your husband runs his side of the finances then you should be discussing it with him!

I've been in a very similar situation, YABU.
However, the safety of our children while being driven around is one of our priorities so if you feel your current car isn't safe enough then I would be putting that point across.

[ComposHat]

just tell him your having another car

Depends if your finances can stand it OP these decisions should be taken as a family and discussed if there is a need for a new car and if the finances stack up how often it is driven and ho far etc.

'The attitude of OP wants a new car she should get a new car' isn't particularly helpful. (That's not aimed at you OP) but some of the dafter posts on here.

[EuroShagmore]

Whether you are being reasonable or not depends on the state of your finances and your combined attitude to risk (do you feel secure if you use all your cash savings on something like this). We just can't tell from what you have posted.

[RedToothbrush]

Aside from the issues of whether the OP should 'ask' to have a new car or not.

If you have an older car the best sell for a new car, is actually cost and the cost of running a newer car. A lot of brand new cars will actually work out a lot cheaper than running an older one. Once you add up fuel efficiency, tax and cost of repairs you can find deals out there where you can more than justify the expense.

Certainly the car we bought last year is costing us less INCLUDING repayments than the car we were running previously which was about 8 years old. We only had to find the initial deposit. And we have to consider the depreciation just from driving the car off the forecourt. There should be 1 - 2 year old cars out there which will be slightly cheaper by comparison and therefore very, very good investments.

So yes, YANBU to discuss the prospect of a new car as an equal couple as it may well be to both your financial benefit, rather than detriment anyway.

[Inertia]

The key point here is whether the car is safe. If not, you need to either spend money urgently to make it safe, or you need to buy a different car if that isn't economically viable.

If the car is starting to cost more in repairs than it is realistically worth, then it makes sense to replace it. If you as a family can take 6months or a year to save at least part of the purchase price, then it makes sense to do that rather than finance.

If you want a new car right now because he has one, then you are being a bit petty. Having said that, why did your ISA pay for the windows if DH has other savings ? Surely it makes mote sense for you as a non - taxpayer to have savings outside of ISAs?

[ThalianotFailure]

um, why can't you get the car mended? Mine is 10 years old and there's no way we can afford a new one, so it's off to the garage every so often with it. It's got a few more years in it I reckon.

[worsestershiresauce]

Some very sensible comments on here, and some less so....

Do you really need a new car? Is it dangerous? Are the running costs making it uneconomic? If so you need to put these facts to your DH and have a grown up discussion about whether a new car is an essential use of joint money.

If you just want a new car because the old one is a bit crummy, that's kind of tough. It's hard living on one salary, and sacrifices are made by everyone.

[flowerytaleofNewYork]

"he can't really afford it"
"he is budgeting to replace my car, probably with a little Ford or something"
"his savings"

Don't think anyone's reading too much into it. Doesn't matter whether you know how much he earns, how much the mortgage is or whatever. If you have to ask him whether he can buy something for you out of his money and the savings are his, then there's a problem.

Whether the family can afford/need another car is a joint decision, not something he gets to decide when to save up for/buy.

[Pendeen]

"A lot of brand new cars will actually work out a lot cheaper than running an older one"

You seem to have downplayed the depreciation aspect and (almst) no car is ever an investment.

[PartridgeInASpicyPearTree]

Just to clarify I wasn't trying to suggest that you are being abused. Just that I find the idea that all the household money is his because you stay at home to look after the DCs a bit awful. Whatever your access to accounts etc, from what you have said yourself the basic premise that you work on is that is all the money is his. He can buy a new car if likes, discussing it only as a courtesy. You, on the other hand, have to go to him and make a case for him to buy one for you, like a child.

Here everything goes in a pot and from the day it is received it is family money, although some is held in sole names e.g. ISAs. We trust each other with small expense and large ones like cars are discussed and agreed on together, with no reference to who brought the money in. This doesn't work for everyone, but if all the money is his, wouldn't you at least want to be paid for the childcare (say top nanny rates plus a huge uplift for being their actual mum) you are doing instead of woh then work out some split of contributions to joint expenses. You'd be worse off than him, because of the low monetary value placed on childcare, but as it stands with your set up and mind set you actually, conceptually, have nothing. Just because he doesn't abuse it doesn't make it right.