to think certain of my single friends are single because they are just far too fussy

[Croccy1979]

Got several friends in their 30s who are still single and go on about it the whole time. They are all very attractive, interesting, fun, intelligent, have good jobs etc.

I do sympathise to a point, but AIBU to suggest that perhaps they should be a bit less fussy? OK so not suggesting they should go out with any old Tom, Dick or Harry as you need certain standards, but AIBU to think maybe they should sometimes 'give it a go' with someone who seems to have some potential rather than just rejecting men instantly if they don't tick all their boxes.

I was slightly unsure about DP for our first few dates as he was very shy and I didn't think he was my type, but now I am head over heels in love and would not be without him. So so very glad I gave him a shot and didn't write him off.

Also feel like my friends are sometimes not very self-aware - one friend refused to date a guy as he didn't have his own home and car (neither does she) and another rejected a guy because he was slightly overweight (she is hardly Kate Moss herself)........

They also seem to be attracted to good looking / trendy guys who are obviously complete plonkers - fair enough when you are 21 but thought people would have cottoned on and learnt to identify the good guys by the time they hit 30.........

Not meaning to be unsympathetic with this post, just thinking of the best ways to help my friends help themselves so to speak.

[KC225]

We are not talking women who are happy being single or women who want to be on their own. They are sorted, happy with their lives.

It's not a case of 'smug' marrieds. These women are moaning to us. Women who are griping about the lack of men out there/that they never meet any men/all the good ones are taken etc., when they are holding on out for some Mr Darcy type and turning their nose up at some decent blokes

[closerthanclose]

I don't believe it's shallow or materialistic to look for a man who is reasonably solvent, especially if you live in an expensive part of the country. Realistically, in most situations if you want to start a family, you will be dependent on his salary for some of the time and/or you'd need him to have a good salary to contribute towards a mortgage. So it's only sensible to choose someone who will be a good provider, even if you have a good career yourself.

I have many friends who dismissed the need for a good salary when looking for a partner, they've all either had to take much less maternity leave than they'd have liked, move away from friends because they can't afford to live in those areas, limit the number of dc they had or compromise in other ways. Their partners are (mostly) decent guys, but I feel sad for them because they are lovely, bright women and I'm sure they could have met and fallen for guys who were decent and with a good earning potential.

[Snorbs]

Their partners are (mostly) decent guys, but I feel sad for them because they are lovely, bright women and I'm sure they could have met and fallen for guys who were decent and with a good earning potential.

FFS.

So your friends had to modify their plans to suit their means. Welcome to the Real World. Maybe their plans were unrealistic. Maybe they realised that having a decent man that they love is more important than holding out for the hope of a decent man with "good earning potential" who may never come along.

Or maybe they simply aren't as shallow and materialistic as you are.

[Hobbitation]

Also with some "high-flying" individuals you may be effectively bringing the kids up on your own as they are never there. I see a lot of that. Not for me, I prefer it to be more of a partnership.

[squoosh]

I only go out with men who have their own unicorn. That's not too picky is it?

[LessMissAbs]

I do think a lot of men are deluded though if they think that baggage borne out of behaving quite badly in the past in relationships, lack of education and hence decent job, and debts, make them a desirable catch once they've began to lose their youthful good looks. There seems to be an acceptance that men can get away with anything but women have to be some kind of perfect slim-but-curvy, interesting-yet-obedient, self-sufficient-yet-servient vision of lovliness, grateful for a man deigning to show her interest.

I'm glad I'm not looking now because at 37, quite frankly most men of my age or a couple of years older who are single are physically off-putting, never mind getting onto their lack of own home or independent means of transport. I can see why being single would be much more appealing than the dubious supposed benefits of "settling" for someone like that.

So many men with not that much going for them are also very arrogant, yet if women have even half the samea attitude, they are criticised for being too fussy. I can imagine that if some of these "slightly imperfect" men were really genuine, decent, kind, modest sorts, they might appeal to single women more, but so often they are arrogant players out for what they can get.

I do think though that the best men get snapped up quite early. So there are less nice ones to choose from once you get past a certain age.

[monsterchild]

squooshthat's not picky enough. I just call Dh's unicorn "little Mr. Monster!"

[WhataSook]

Well I would probably be considered a smug married...am delighted I found DH, glad to not be trawling pubs and clubs still now I am in my mid 30s...so what? But I am only 'smug' because I have what I want in a DH. If I wanted to be single and was then I would be a smug singledon.

Is it so bad to be happy with your lot, whatever that is? Or should we all be miserable arses because we are married/single so that those who dont have what they want feel ok about themselves?

And DH not only didnt have a car when I met him, he didnt have a licence the loser, so I taught him.

[Snorbs]

Well, this thread has certainly opened my eyes. As a middle-aged man with an income that puts me in the high-rate tax bracket I think I'll need to start being a bit more choosy.

It would probably be best for me to discount all single mothers as, frankly, their earning potential is rarely that great and a lot of them don't even own their own homes. But then the single women without kids may well be just looking at me as a source of finance to carry them through motherhood which would obviously hurt my own earning potential so they're out. Single women who don't want kids it is then!

Or, maybe, there are more important things for the success of a relationship than how much cash they're likely to earn.

[KellyElly]

quite frankly most men of my age or a couple of years older who are single are physically off-putting

[KellyElly]

It would probably be best for me to discount all single mothers as, frankly, their earning potential is rarely that great and a lot of them don't even own their own homes. That's me in a nutshell Snorbes

[dreamofwhitehorses]

When I first dated my DH I was impressed with how organised he seemed with his finances. Later I found out he was completely insolvent and the bills he was paying were all final demands. But by the time I'd found this out I'd decided I rather liked him and stuck with it. A few months later he came by a very large inheritance which he basically handed over to me as he didn't trust himself with it. So I dated an impoverished hippy and ended up mortgage free - who knew!

[superstarheartbreaker]

It goes both ways you know; I recently went out with a lovely man who dosn't have his own home and has no car because he has a car phobia after an accident but I didn't care because I liked him so much. He has rejected me as I have a child even though in his words I am "intelligent, attractive and funny". Sigh. I normally go for hotties but surely that is normal. He wasn't a conventional hottie but I still fancied him. Apparently there's a spark (in his words again) but that's not enough.

[superstarheartbreaker]

Since having dd however I have pulled some very hot 22 year olds who love older women. It's just they would be rubbish partners (generally). Likewise I fancy some really hot silver foxes at work. It's so easy to generalise. In conclusion though I think YABU. I have got very badly burned in the past for not aiming high enough. One of the most abusive arseholes I have been with was alos a minger with a small dick but I considered him to be in my league so gave him a chance. Where did it get me? Nowhere. Aim high I say.
I went on a date with a man with no job, no car who lived with mum and dad and I liked him a lot. I would have given him a chance but he was looking for work elsewhere in the country.

[superstarheartbreaker]

Also would like to point out that finding your dp early in life is not necesarily the best thing ..I met y minger with the small dick at the tender age of 16. The abuse was severe and it ruined my chances of finding a decent man in my early 20s when all of my friends were hooking up with their university friends. Mabe my bitterness scared men away . The bonus when dating as an older woman is that we can sift through the arseholes (kind of).

[KellyElly]

Oh superstar all I attract are hot young guys. Fun but not relationship material even though they keep telling me they are (bless them) :)

[superstarheartbreaker]

I love hot young guys! thay are fun! I love hot old guys too! Some friends have told me that I date too young but when I go on a dating website I always put ages 18-55. Plenty of choice!

[KellyElly]

How old are you? 55 is def way to old for me! Older than my mum and dad!

[foreverondiet]

Totally agree. Shocked by the no car and living with parents comment.

Maybe no need for a car as takes tube / train to work.
Maybe lives with parents to save money to eventually buy a house.

Also some stuff shouldn't be compromised on - like shouldn't be with someone who is abusive or has anger management issues and will not deal with. Or arrogant or obnoxious. And might be difficult if very conflicting say religious beliefs.

But don't get why height / looks / profession / interests are so important.

[squoosh]

I'd be shocked if someone wasn't bothered by a grown man living with his Mum and Dad!

[squoosh]

And looks are so important, finding someone sexually attractive is Step 1.

[superstarheartbreaker]

The guy with the small dick was also shorter than me. See; I took the relative beauty of youth for granted when I could have gone for a stunner with a nice personality. I think looks are important. Some people find a certain type attractive; I like both geeks and jocks. As long as theyy have a certain charisma or a warm heart.

[ILoveSaladReallyIDo]

it depends on whether they're still living at home (i.e. 40 and never moved out), our just currently back living with mum and dad and have plans to move out in the future IYKWIM

DH was living at home when I met him, he had moved out at 18 and had only been back for a few months and was only there for a few months more

same goes for job, if they're currently low earning but have had an interesting career history and interesting career plans for the future, then their employment status right now doesn't matter IMO, but if they've never done much and don't plan to do much that's different

[KellyElly]

I'd be shocked if someone wasn't bothered by a grown man living with his Mum and Dad! yep this

[shesariver]

I'd be shocked if someone wasn't bothered by a grown man living with his Mum and Dad!

Why?