to think certain of my single friends are single because they are just far too fussy

[Croccy1979]

Got several friends in their 30s who are still single and go on about it the whole time. They are all very attractive, interesting, fun, intelligent, have good jobs etc.

I do sympathise to a point, but AIBU to suggest that perhaps they should be a bit less fussy? OK so not suggesting they should go out with any old Tom, Dick or Harry as you need certain standards, but AIBU to think maybe they should sometimes 'give it a go' with someone who seems to have some potential rather than just rejecting men instantly if they don't tick all their boxes.

I was slightly unsure about DP for our first few dates as he was very shy and I didn't think he was my type, but now I am head over heels in love and would not be without him. So so very glad I gave him a shot and didn't write him off.

Also feel like my friends are sometimes not very self-aware - one friend refused to date a guy as he didn't have his own home and car (neither does she) and another rejected a guy because he was slightly overweight (she is hardly Kate Moss herself)........

They also seem to be attracted to good looking / trendy guys who are obviously complete plonkers - fair enough when you are 21 but thought people would have cottoned on and learnt to identify the good guys by the time they hit 30.........

Not meaning to be unsympathetic with this post, just thinking of the best ways to help my friends help themselves so to speak.

[CrunchyFrog]

I'm a happy single person.
Smug marrieds never believe this. I've had thd "too fussy" thing thrown at me a lot.
Just because a man wants me doesn't mean I have to want him out of some sort of twisted gratitude. Just because I meet and talk to someone does not mean I want to shag/ marry them.
My list of "criteria" is not reakky that, it's just more that I know what makes me happy and what I would be willing to put up with.
A relationship would require big sacrifices on my part, so there would have to be a compelling reason to do it.

[Croccy1979]

'but if you are ugly, fat, stupid and poor yourself he might not want you..... It's not about settling just about having realistic expectations '

I was NOT referring to my friends when I wrote this . Just making the point that some people have very unrealistic expectations. My friends are actally all rather attractive (if not supermodels), as per my original post.

Yes I know some people are happy being single. But my friends clearly are not happy as they spend large amounts of time complaining that they are single and want to meet a man. But yes I am sure some people are single and very happy that way.

Also wish people would read the original post - my friend did not reject a guy because he lived with parents, but because he did not own his own home (ie he rented rather than owned). I think that is ridiculous coming from her as she is in her 30s and doesn't own a house nor does she ever have a penny to her name!

No I am not a smug married. I have been single myself for large parts of my life before I met DP so I know what it's like, but I always gave different blokes a chance, even if they were not my normal type etc (assuming they met certain minimum standards, not criminals, drug dealers etc) (by give a chance I mean I would go on a few dates with them, not sleep with them or anything).

[samandi]

YANBU. shrugs Surely it's common sense?

Do people really date like this anyway? Seems rather American to me. Maybe they should watch a little less Sex and the City.

[Paiviaso]

YANBU. Some of my friends from back home are like this. Would very much like to be in relationships, but discount guys based on very shallow observations, and have essentially been single since we left school (over 10 years ago!) :/

[TheSmallClanger]

There's no point pushing something if the initial spark isn't there. No matter how pleasant the other person is, if you don't fancy them, you don't, and you probably never will.

When I see how crap some of my friends' relationships are, I often think that people should be much more fussy about who they share their lives with.

[MardyArsedMidlander]

'When I see how crap some of my friends' relationships are, I often think that people should be much more fussy about who they share their lives with'

^^ This.

[Nancy66]

Thesmallclanger - couldn't agree more

when i was single in my 30s i can't tell you how many times i went on a date with someone, came back saying he was a nice guy but not for me only to have people say 'give him a chance.' I often did as they said and it was pointless - the person never grew on me.

[squoosh]

I also agree with TheSmallClanger, I can think of lots of people who should have been far more choosy.

The main thing is the initial spark, that whoosh of chemistry. In my experience if that isn't instantly there, there's no point pursuing it. Living with parents would be an ABSOLUTE dealbreaker, being unemployed or having addiction issues also would rule them out. But beyond that it's all up for grabs as long as I fancy them.

[ethelb]

I agree a little OP. I have friends who honestly say they are expecting Mr Darcy to come out of nowhere, sweep them off their feet and solve all their problems, mental, physical, financial, sexual etc.

They are very strict about how they should meet these people (not at work, not close friends) but also about how the relationship should progress (should be friends first, develop a deep love for each other over time with lots of yearning before finally announcing they love each other and moving out to the country to have lots of babies a few months later) and it is hard to be sympathetic tbh.

Unfortunatly, after being single and being treated like shit for years I met the perfect man so I can't say this as I come across as a smug married

I do think that there is obviously a huge difference between not being fussy and putting up with shit though, and it is unfair for posters to say the two things are the same!

[DadOnIce]

I can see the point of not wanting to date someone who is a druggie, or a smoker if you are not one, or a heavy drinker if you're teetotal, or a lover of rare bloody steaks every Tuesday if you are a strict vegan. It's all about compatibility.

But leaving that aside, a lot of women really don't seem to realise how vacuous, grabbing and shallow all this stuff about cars, home-owning, earnings, etc. makes them sound. Whatever happened to being a decent guy above all? Would any man ever judge a woman on her earnings?

[LessMissAbs]

DadOnIce I wanted someone near enough my "equal" (and found him). I don't think thats terribly unusual, and if men don't want a woman their equal in intelligence and education, I find that a bit odd too and possibly rather sexist

I don't think what is being described above is golddigging, but women who simply limit their choices to a man who is roughly on a par with them.

[DadOnIce]

Equal in intelligence/education is perfectly understandable (although I know a good few couples where that is patently not the case). Doesn't always manifest itself in easily-measurable terms like bank balance and car ownership, though.

[KC225]

I have a couple of single friends with 'shopping lists' that are quite mad. Both have been single for years and years and constantly moan about it, One of them joined a dating agency and told them she would not date anyone with children, because she wanted a child and she didn't want them running off to spend time with someone else's child. She wouldn't date anyone married before as she felt she had the right to be 'the one'. Nor did she want anyone over 40 (she was 35) because it felt too old. All this before she would agree to a date. Needless to say she didn't find anyone and is now 40 and still SINGLE and still moaning about it.

I tried to tell that she was ruling out a lot of good men but she would just wail - I'm not going to settle. But it's not about settling, it's about giving someone a chance. She's forever going on about 'the spark' or 'chemistry' or 'soulmates'. I've told her that some do have that instant spark/chemistry but don't rule out the slow burners. I had the spark/love at first sight with my ex and he turned out to be a complete arse. My husband was a slow burner. A nice bloke who was easy to be with and made me laugh. We've been together of 9 years and I've never been happier.

[LessMissAbs]

Ah yes DadOnIce but I also expect a partner to be reasonable practical and organised, and I'm afraid that for a man in his twenties, that generally means studying or working towards those basic goals, and in their thirties or forties, having actually achieved them. I don't think it unreasonable at all for a woman who has achieved those things to expect a man also to have done so. Men still statistically earn more than women, so have even less excuse not to have done so.

Given that there will be exceptions eg car ownership in a city centre might not be essential. If the woman hasn't achieved those things herself then I agree it might be seen as a little hypocritical.

I'm all for common interests too - DH and I met through our love of the same sport. I guess where the education levels in couples are different, theres usually a compensation, such as one of the couple being very attractive, or very talented in some sphere, or suchlike.

[simplesusan]

I think both men and women can be guilty of this.
I think it is fair not to compromise on some things but those are less artificial things, such as deep rooted beliefs and values.
Compromising on things such as I will only date men who are at least 6feet tall or women who are a size 10 is entirely different.

[milf90]

i think that about my best friend i am a horrible person, i know she moans a lot about not having anyone and being alone forever etc.etc. but then when someone does come along who likes her she either doesnt like them or cba.

shes a lovely girly, very pretty - im not sure why there arent more guys after her tbh.

i hate to say it too, but i think OH would be perfect for her....i do get worried sometimes.

[GregBishopsBottomBitch]

Im single, coz im selfish and like my space, and im busy raising a child.

My friend is single, because she is little miss picky pants, needs a car, needs own place, cant be overweight, cant have friends think hes ugly, its tiresome.

[SomersetONeil]

DadOnIce...

Because men are never, ever shallow in their pick of women, right? As long as she's got a lovely personality, that's all that matters. LOL.

Men are equally, if not more shallow - look at the myriad examples of fat, overweight, middle-aged men with beautiful, model-esque women.

Perhaps it's a bit of a shock to realise some women can be equally as shallow - maybe in a slightly different way - as many men have always been.

[Hobbitation]

It's all a bit "smug married" isn't it? Maybe they are single because they want to be? Marriage can be lonelier than singledom.

[Hobbitation]

Men are equally, if not more shallow - look at the myriad examples of fat, overweight, middle-aged men with beautiful, model-esque women.

Does it make you shallow if your partner is attractive? Surely physical attraction is fairly essential.

[BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability]

I have a friend in her late thirties, who wants an adonis of a similar age.
Hard enough, but then add to that that he can't be divorced, too long single, have kids, have had too many short term relationships, be ex-forces or a former convict.
Who exactly does that leave?!

[DadOnIce]

Somerset: but the point is that both sexes can be pretty shallow when it comes to looks - but when it comes to money, cars, "ambition", glamorous job etc., it just seems to go one way...

Only dating people you find sexually/physically attractive surely makes sense. It's pointless going out with someone where there is no spark or chemistry at all. And not all men like leggy, model-doll-type women - some know they are frighteningly high-maintenance and artificial-looking.

There are lots of ways of showing that you are sensible, practical and organised which don't involve ownership of property or vehicles. Supposing it has always been a man's life ambition to be an artist in a rented cottage on some windswept coast, and to go everywhere by bicycle to protect the environment?... Not everybody's cup of tea, but he would appeal to some women. (Hmm, maybe only if played by Colin Firth...)

[DadOnIce]

It's the "Mr Darcy" syndrome mentioned by another poster above which depresses me. I would hate for my DD to think in the future that a hole in her life in terms of property, organisation, transport, finance, generally "being sorted" etc. could be solved by a man coming in and sweeping her off her feet. If you want a nice house and car, why can't you be the one to earn it? Why can't you be the one with the impressive-sounding job-title? Surely the relationships with the most stable footing are those where the two people have similar values and aspirations. Which I think is what people are saying above anyway. But that won't always manifest itself in the form of the limited, very materialist examples some people have given.

[itsmineitsmine]

I have a friend like this. Any man she's with MUST have a trendy but financially rewarding job, along the lines of successful artist/photographer/musician.

She went out with an award winning journslist for 18months but wouldnt commit to him. Ditto a successful lawyer.

Lived with and had her heart broken by a trendy and successful photographer.

Still single and desperate to have children at 34 but wont commit to anyone without the 'right' credentials.

[itsmineitsmine]

I'm sure my friend doesnt see me as smug married, btw. My handsome and articulate dh works in IT so she would not have looked twice at him.