To think that the phrase ‘well you know what you were getting into’ is fucking bollocks

[Trixidoll]

Why is it that some people can ask advice on here and have a moan about their children and not be subject to 'well you know you what you were getting into' tribe?

Seriously, asking for advice about a new-born sleep issue or troubles with feeding/weaning and it's well done' and 'don't worry' but ask about a DSC's sleep patterns or Xmas arrangements and it's 'well you knew he had children so deal with it'.

I get sooooo fucked off with the attitude of some people on here - my favourite being 'step-parents are nothing but baby sitters': I wish I could find a babysitter who would cook meals, clean up after, iron clothes, read to, bake with, check homework and finically contribute to the DCs they look after for £20 a night.

I am a step mum - no I wasn't the other woman. No I'm not insecure. No, I'm not trying to replace anyone. Yes, I knew that my DP had DCs.

But...fuck me...I didn't know the intricacies of being a SM on my first, second, or year after date with my DP. I guess the same way a first time mum feels about her LO - new,uncharted waters.

So, when I ask for advice, why give us such a fucking hard time?

[Waitingforastartofall]

I'm a stepmum, and without bigging myself up I think I'm a pretty decent one certainly better than my dads partner ever was to me. i hate to be told the you knew what you were getting into comment, yes I did but we can't foresee everything we have faced. I treat all 3dc fairly and have my fair share of rants about all three including my own ds.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

YANBU.

I have read some awful things written about step parents on here. I have an absolutely lovely step dad and irritates me wildly to read things like "nothing more than a baby sitter/no right to an opinion on how children are raised"

Appalling attitude. And offensive.

My step dad has been in my life since I was 10...he is my third parent. I love him dearly. He is not just a fucking babysitter.

[TurkeyGibletsGeekette]

My DDs SM is a bloody marvel and has been a part of their lives for the past 10 years. I was SO glad when my ExH married her; he'd had some GFs who weren't that keen on the kids coming as part of the deal, as it were. When my eldest was being a horror-show, aged 14 (now 17), she didn't blanch at all when ExH and I agreed that the best way forward was for her to go and live with them, and has always been lovely to my younger DD (who is now 14) who lives with DH and me.

We've both respected each others role, and talked as much as possible, whilst being clear about the boundaries. I wouldn't want to be a SM, it seems to be bloody hard work and that a lot of issues get laid at your door, but she's managed bloody marvellously!

[mumandboys123]

For me, the issue works the other way: every other post seems to suggest that 'the mother', 'the birth mother' (or something prefixed with the word 'the') is nothing other than a complete psycho, terrible mother, abusive, violent, unhinged, refusing to work, demanding more money, blah, blah, blah.

To all the new partners I say you have NO IDEA whatsoever what may or may not have gone on in the relationship with the ex. And if you're with my ex, you've been lied to about me. Loyalty is to be expected. Blind loyalty when there are huge, flashing neon signs suggesting that perhaps there is another story (and then some) is stupid.

I'm not violent. I didn't, and don't, abuse my children. I have never physically abused my ex. My children are cared for well enough. They wear clothes that fit them. Oh, and my ex contributes nothing at all towards their upbringing. Only you wouldn't know that 'cos you don't have a joint bank account 'cos he told you (lied) that I had 'cleaned him out' and caused all his debt problems......sigh.

All tounge in cheek, of course!

I wouldn't be a step mum if you paid me!

[KellyEllyChristmasBelly]

mumandboys is my ex your ex! :)

[mumandboys123]

sadly, kellyelly, I suspect there are many men like our exs out there....the trick is avoiding 'em!

[everybodysang]

I want to weep with the truth of this. I love my DSD and DSS, very much. But I did not know what I was getting into. Not one bit. And sometimes I want advice. Same as I do with my own DD.

[SoWhatIfImWorkingClass]

YADNBU

[Imabadmum]

I too am a stepmum, and had not a Danny about what I was getting into. I wasn't the OW but might as well have been. I have been accused of child abuse, been described as a bitch and a witch, to my dsd by here mum, after we suggested she pay some child maintenance and surrender tax credits and child benefit (dsd lived with DH and I but DH had allowed her these concessions after they split initially, as well as taking on all her debts, and despite her leaving bc she was having an affair bc he wanted her to have a chance to get on her feet, nb, her lover ditched her). She took dsd back to live with her, accusing me of child abuse which DH could see was rubbish. Dsd was 8 then, and now she is 14, and has chosen to come back and live with us, finally recognising the her dm only wanted her for the financial gain. It has been a tough 6 years and I had no clue at the start.

My own ex and I had had settled things amicably 4 years before I met DH, and I had assumed that things would run in the same sort of way. My DH is stepdad to my own dd, and here have been no problems in that direction.

Whether or not I knew what I was getting into is beside the point. I have, as a stepmum, every right to find things difficult sometimes, to worry about both my dd and my dsd, and my two youngest DS's. Do new parents, with their ickle baby know what they are getting into? Do we scoff at their concerns for bedtime routines, teething, illness, feeding, weaning, behaviour, potty training? No, we don't. Being a stepparent is no different. Every day brings a different challenge (or set of them) and they are jus as valid as natural parents challenges.

There. I've said my piece.

[eslteacher]

YANBU! This issue is on my mind as I've just been repeatedly reading the "he knew what he was getting into" line on another step parenting thread.

When I got involved with DP, I knew he had a kid, but at the start I didn't immediately try to work out what that meant for me and whether I could be a good step-parent, because I didn't really expect our relationship to be more than a short term fling. As I started to realise it was getting more serious, I thought more about the fact he had a child and tried to imagine what that meant, but TBH I just couldn't. I had no children of my own, none of my friends were children, I hadn't been around kids since I was one myself. How could I know what I was getting into? By the time I was starting to have regular contact with DSS, I was deeply in love with DP and it's not so easy to just say "hang on, this stepparenting lark is actually harder than I thought, I'd best just walk away now"...

As it happens, for me I went on to slowly confront and work through some difficult stuff re: what it meant to have someone else's child in your life and house on a permanent basis - tons of stuff that never occurred to me in those early days. And now I've come out the other side and I think we've reached quite a happy family balance between the three of us and I really like having DSS around. It probably helps that we are on great terms with DP's ex and her family - I actually feel like I have gained an extended family myself, since they are all so welcoming and lovely and we do so much "blended family" stuff all together as a unit.

But it doesn't mean that it's not hard sometimes! It's such a difficult line to walk, between "step" and "parent"...

[MalibuStac]

I love my DSS like he's my own son but the hardest thing is that I have no actual say about his upbringing. Although when he's here its our house rules. He says he feels stable here because if I say something I follow it through. As with being a parent no-one gave me a manual on how to be so its all a learning curve so I no I don't believe you do know what your getting into and its hard work.

[everydayaschoolday]

YANBU. I am a step mum - no I wasn't the other woman. No I'm not insecure. No, I'm not trying to replace anyone. Yes, I knew that my DP had DCs - me too. And I didn't have a crystal ball either. How would I know what it was like to bring up kids when I had none of my own back then? They did prepare me well for being a good mum to my DDs - I should tell them that. New year's resolution: to tell them how well they have developed me

[prettyfly1]

Oh OP YANBU. If it wasnt for eating millions of mince pies the weakness of my desk I would stand on it and cheer for you starting this thread. That phrase does my head in. You can IMAGINE what it might be like but like so many other situations the reality is often very very different. I say that after yet another ruined christmas and more shirty phonecalls on the way tonight. You dont know what you are getting into and even if you do, we all get pregnant knowing our kids will drain our bank accounts, ruin our boobs and keep us away at night - we are still allowed to have a bloody moan about it from time to time - step parents are no different.