To think that the phrase ‘well you know what you were getting into’ is fucking bollocks

[Trixidoll]

Why is it that some people can ask advice on here and have a moan about their children and not be subject to 'well you know you what you were getting into' tribe?

Seriously, asking for advice about a new-born sleep issue or troubles with feeding/weaning and it's well done' and 'don't worry' but ask about a DSC's sleep patterns or Xmas arrangements and it's 'well you knew he had children so deal with it'.

I get sooooo fucked off with the attitude of some people on here - my favourite being 'step-parents are nothing but baby sitters': I wish I could find a babysitter who would cook meals, clean up after, iron clothes, read to, bake with, check homework and finically contribute to the DCs they look after for £20 a night.

I am a step mum - no I wasn't the other woman. No I'm not insecure. No, I'm not trying to replace anyone. Yes, I knew that my DP had DCs.

But...fuck me...I didn't know the intricacies of being a SM on my first, second, or year after date with my DP. I guess the same way a first time mum feels about her LO - new,uncharted waters.

So, when I ask for advice, why give us such a fucking hard time?

[prettyfly1]

Oh OP YANBU. If it wasnt for eating millions of mince pies the weakness of my desk I would stand on it and cheer for you starting this thread. That phrase does my head in. You can IMAGINE what it might be like but like so many other situations the reality is often very very different. I say that after yet another ruined christmas and more shirty phonecalls on the way tonight. You dont know what you are getting into and even if you do, we all get pregnant knowing our kids will drain our bank accounts, ruin our boobs and keep us away at night - we are still allowed to have a bloody moan about it from time to time - step parents are no different.

[everydayaschoolday]

YANBU. I am a step mum - no I wasn't the other woman. No I'm not insecure. No, I'm not trying to replace anyone. Yes, I knew that my DP had DCs - me too. And I didn't have a crystal ball either. How would I know what it was like to bring up kids when I had none of my own back then? They did prepare me well for being a good mum to my DDs - I should tell them that. New year's resolution: to tell them how well they have developed me

[MalibuStac]

I love my DSS like he's my own son but the hardest thing is that I have no actual say about his upbringing. Although when he's here its our house rules. He says he feels stable here because if I say something I follow it through. As with being a parent no-one gave me a manual on how to be so its all a learning curve so I no I don't believe you do know what your getting into and its hard work.

[eslteacher]

YANBU! This issue is on my mind as I've just been repeatedly reading the "he knew what he was getting into" line on another step parenting thread.

When I got involved with DP, I knew he had a kid, but at the start I didn't immediately try to work out what that meant for me and whether I could be a good step-parent, because I didn't really expect our relationship to be more than a short term fling. As I started to realise it was getting more serious, I thought more about the fact he had a child and tried to imagine what that meant, but TBH I just couldn't. I had no children of my own, none of my friends were children, I hadn't been around kids since I was one myself. How could I know what I was getting into? By the time I was starting to have regular contact with DSS, I was deeply in love with DP and it's not so easy to just say "hang on, this stepparenting lark is actually harder than I thought, I'd best just walk away now"...

As it happens, for me I went on to slowly confront and work through some difficult stuff re: what it meant to have someone else's child in your life and house on a permanent basis - tons of stuff that never occurred to me in those early days. And now I've come out the other side and I think we've reached quite a happy family balance between the three of us and I really like having DSS around. It probably helps that we are on great terms with DP's ex and her family - I actually feel like I have gained an extended family myself, since they are all so welcoming and lovely and we do so much "blended family" stuff all together as a unit.

But it doesn't mean that it's not hard sometimes! It's such a difficult line to walk, between "step" and "parent"...

[Imabadmum]

I too am a stepmum, and had not a Danny about what I was getting into. I wasn't the OW but might as well have been. I have been accused of child abuse, been described as a bitch and a witch, to my dsd by here mum, after we suggested she pay some child maintenance and surrender tax credits and child benefit (dsd lived with DH and I but DH had allowed her these concessions after they split initially, as well as taking on all her debts, and despite her leaving bc she was having an affair bc he wanted her to have a chance to get on her feet, nb, her lover ditched her). She took dsd back to live with her, accusing me of child abuse which DH could see was rubbish. Dsd was 8 then, and now she is 14, and has chosen to come back and live with us, finally recognising the her dm only wanted her for the financial gain. It has been a tough 6 years and I had no clue at the start.

My own ex and I had had settled things amicably 4 years before I met DH, and I had assumed that things would run in the same sort of way. My DH is stepdad to my own dd, and here have been no problems in that direction.

Whether or not I knew what I was getting into is beside the point. I have, as a stepmum, every right to find things difficult sometimes, to worry about both my dd and my dsd, and my two youngest DS's. Do new parents, with their ickle baby know what they are getting into? Do we scoff at their concerns for bedtime routines, teething, illness, feeding, weaning, behaviour, potty training? No, we don't. Being a stepparent is no different. Every day brings a different challenge (or set of them) and they are jus as valid as natural parents challenges.

There. I've said my piece.

[SoWhatIfImWorkingClass]

YADNBU

[everybodysang]

I want to weep with the truth of this. I love my DSD and DSS, very much. But I did not know what I was getting into. Not one bit. And sometimes I want advice. Same as I do with my own DD.

[mumandboys123]

sadly, kellyelly, I suspect there are many men like our exs out there....the trick is avoiding 'em!

[KellyEllyChristmasBelly]

mumandboys is my ex your ex! :)

[mumandboys123]

For me, the issue works the other way: every other post seems to suggest that 'the mother', 'the birth mother' (or something prefixed with the word 'the') is nothing other than a complete psycho, terrible mother, abusive, violent, unhinged, refusing to work, demanding more money, blah, blah, blah.

To all the new partners I say you have NO IDEA whatsoever what may or may not have gone on in the relationship with the ex. And if you're with my ex, you've been lied to about me. Loyalty is to be expected. Blind loyalty when there are huge, flashing neon signs suggesting that perhaps there is another story (and then some) is stupid.

I'm not violent. I didn't, and don't, abuse my children. I have never physically abused my ex. My children are cared for well enough. They wear clothes that fit them. Oh, and my ex contributes nothing at all towards their upbringing. Only you wouldn't know that 'cos you don't have a joint bank account 'cos he told you (lied) that I had 'cleaned him out' and caused all his debt problems......sigh.

All tounge in cheek, of course!

I wouldn't be a step mum if you paid me!

[TurkeyGibletsGeekette]

My DDs SM is a bloody marvel and has been a part of their lives for the past 10 years. I was SO glad when my ExH married her; he'd had some GFs who weren't that keen on the kids coming as part of the deal, as it were. When my eldest was being a horror-show, aged 14 (now 17), she didn't blanch at all when ExH and I agreed that the best way forward was for her to go and live with them, and has always been lovely to my younger DD (who is now 14) who lives with DH and me.

We've both respected each others role, and talked as much as possible, whilst being clear about the boundaries. I wouldn't want to be a SM, it seems to be bloody hard work and that a lot of issues get laid at your door, but she's managed bloody marvellously!

[Alisvolatpropiis]

YANBU.

I have read some awful things written about step parents on here. I have an absolutely lovely step dad and irritates me wildly to read things like "nothing more than a baby sitter/no right to an opinion on how children are raised"

Appalling attitude. And offensive.

My step dad has been in my life since I was 10...he is my third parent. I love him dearly. He is not just a fucking babysitter.

[Waitingforastartofall]

I'm a stepmum, and without bigging myself up I think I'm a pretty decent one certainly better than my dads partner ever was to me. i hate to be told the you knew what you were getting into comment, yes I did but we can't foresee everything we have faced. I treat all 3dc fairly and have my fair share of rants about all three including my own ds.

[Binfullofgibletsonthe26th]

Well said Catsmother.

I would never have believed my dh's ex would do the kind of things she did to put the knife in. Should I have known what I was getting into when:

She told her kids I was a drug addict and alcoholic
Posted photoshop porn on her myspace page with my face stuck on it which her kids could see
Told them I didn't want them in our lives and had stolen their father from them (separated for 2 years before me ffs)
That the baby I had was to replace them
That my baby was deformed and disabled because I drank through pregnancy - with more photoshopped pictures of "my baby"
Got loans out by forging Dh signature, and forging tax credits leaving us with £2000 overpayment bill.

If he didn't see it after 9 years of marriage how the hell would I??

Yet she's still painting the saintly Virgin Mary figure battling to bring up her 3 children against the evil powers of the wicked Disney stepmum, 8 years on.

[EMS23]

FestiveElement is that not true then?

[FestiveElement]

Sometimes I have found the statement is warranted, usually when the SM becomes a biological mum and then cones out with the gem 'things always get spread more thinly when a sibling comes along'. But on some occasions, it is probably used too freely.

[MalibuStac]

Sorry should have said YADNBU

[MalibuStac]

I'm a SM to DPs DS and DP SD to my DS. In some respects DP has the easier end of the stick as he lives with my DS. DSS however lives with SIL (too long to explain) and it has caused years of grief, fights and stress. Still now I wished he just came to live with us.
I didn't know what I was getting into and for someone to imply its your own fault get on with it truly sucks. I also wouldn't have dreamed of walking away as I love DP and DSS. Just at times need to vent, haven't done for a long time due to negative comments like this one.

[YerMaw1989]

Its a stupid phrase purely on the fact all children are different.
you could have a family of 4 etc and there would be different issues with all of them.

[TraineeBabyCatcher]

• thinking you know something

[TraineeBabyCatcher]

I do hate people who say that.

'well you chose to...'
Just because I chose it doesn't mean it isn't hard sometimes!

Just because I chose to keep my baby doesn't mean it can't be hard sometimes.
Just because I chose to do a degree and knew that it would be hard doesn't make it easier to deal with.

Thinking you know sometime doesn't make it easy to deal with when I comes to it. We are entitled to moan sometimes, to struggle sometimes, to cry, to need help, to be scared, to worry, to get it wrong...

[WeWilsonAMerryChristmas]

I had no idea what I was getting into with my utterly lovely DSD because her mother was an utter witch from hell who drained our finances for 15 years. I did assume that at some point she'd sort her life out and actually get a job, but she didn't. Ever. Her behaviour can't be measured on any sort of 'normal' scale - not sure how I could havr known that ahead of time though. And no, I wasn't the OW either - didn't stop her telling my DSD that though.

[catsmother]

If my DP had had the gift of foresight and had been able to tell me on our 1st date what horrors would ensue over the next decade I probably wouldn't have believed him - or else would have thought I'd wandered onto an Eastenders' set. Unfortunately, having been the mother of a child who was already a stepchild (i.e. my ex remarried) of quite some years when I met DP, I made the mistake of thinking that all normal adults try their damnednest to put bitterness, anger, manipulation etc behind them asap and actually get on with their lives, as my ex and I had ... in other words, I guess I thought I had some idea of how most step families function and how the adults work together sensibly to minimise problems. So yes, I hold my hands up and admit I was naiive - with hindsight - to imagine I had an inkling of how it might be.

As I said, what I actually got was so far removed from common sense, decency and normaility ..... I bloody well wouldn't have anticipated that in a million years. So thanks very much I think I'm entitled to the occasional moan about the way my life's (and more importantly my children's lives) been so badly affected by other people's spite and bitterness.

I hate hate hate this stupid "you knew what you were getting into" in answer and/or justification of the most appalling behaviour directed at you and your family which you then might have the temerity to complain about every so often. In a step situation that remark all but implies that disgusting, dishonest, manipulative (etc etc etc) behaviour which wouldn't be considered acceptable in any other sort of social situation is actually okay .... almost as if, as a "first wife" particular women can be forgiven for deliberately making other people's lives as difficult as possible. Many stepmothers have also been married before themselves and I dealt with my breakup as best I could putting my son's best interests above any desire I had for "revenge" - I've never behaved like a bitch towards my ex and his now wife, or the children he had with her. So .... I find the "you knew what you were getting into" bloody insulting - because a) none of us have a crystal ball and b) I've also been an "ex" and have managed to behave with normal dignity and fairness and c) it seems to absolve the adults being awful/irresponsible/dishonest/disloyal/selfish/discourteous/non-communicative/using kids as weapons and so on (and that can include your partner as well as their ex!) in step situations from actually being responsible for their actions. But no - hey not a bad word can be said about them, or indeed (older) stepchildren being little you-know-whats because it boils down to - apparently - knowing what we were getting into and therefore we are somehow to blame for our own dissatisfaction, disappointment, hurt, stress, lack of money and all the other crap regardless of how other parties involved have behaved.

So that's okay then.

[EMS23]

I don't like that phrase either Trixi, YANBU.
Arisbottle my DSS was 6mo when I met DH, 3.5yrs old when I actually met him himself so I had no clue to his character and him being young, it changes along the way anyway.

Right now, at 9yo, DSS is going through a phase of pushing the boundaries with me and its tough. I had no reason to think this would happen and therefore did not 'know what I was getting into'.

TBH, I tend to stick to the step parenting area if the forum for SP issues and always worry a bit when I see an SP thread in AIBU!