to expect a bit more gratitude for spending time with DP's children?

[dingledangleflipflop]

I have been with my DP for 3 years (have known each other for about 7), she has two children aged 4 and 8 and I'm sick of her not appreciating the effort I make with them.

I see the children once every week or fortnight as I work away, when I'm around I do spend time with the children but rather than appreciate my efforts, DP says this is simply what she expects me to do.

According to her, I knew the situation when we got together (her having kids) and if I want to be with her I should be prepared to just get stuck in and stop expecting praise.

Things came to a head yesterday when I looked after her children for half an hour while she went to the supermarket, I do not have children so I do find it stressful being around them at times. After driving her to the supermarket, looking after her kids and then driving everyone back to her house again I said I'd like to watch a DVD on my laptop (with headphones in) while they sat and watched a film in the same room.

DP kicked off and said if I wanted to do that I might as well not be there, it would be rude to sit in the same room doing something else when we could all sit together and watch something suitable for the children.

I'm sick of her selfish attitude, I was stressed out from entertaining her kids while she went shopping and just want her to understand that sometimes I need time to unwind after being around them.

She refuses to back down and says I'm trying to cherry pick when I am involved with her kids, who is being unreasonable?

[yousmell]

Agree kids/lady comes as a package. For a proper relationship he does need to take on a vague father figure and accept them as part of his life. He must develop a bond with them also.

However I think it is possible to date once a week and have little child contact but the relation will be superficial and light. Dates would also take place while the kids are in bed. Keeping man and child separate.

What do you want from this man? If you just want sex and some company in the evening then it could work. If you want anything more then it really is time to move on.

[exoticfruits]

You are in a relationship that isn't going to work- I would move on- he is never going to understand that he has two children for life.

[AllSnowballsAndNoKnickers]

WTF is it with these "reverse AIBU's" ? Why not just say what you mean in the first place?

So very very this ^^^.

[LovesBeingAtHomeForChristmas]

Rather than AIBU you should be in relations, the answer you would get there is when a man tells you what he is like LISTEN. He does not like children, he knows this, you know this and yours kids probably do too. If you want a man to enjoy being part of your family then you need to find a new man.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting kids, and as he said that's why he hasn't, but to try and make him is wrong and can never work.

[RandomMess]

actually I think dipping in and out makes it harder for him to build any sort of relationship with them and "normality" as he works away etc.

Still time to move on I think.

[Tee2072Thing]

YABU for doing a reverse AIBU.

Honestly how hard is to write: My DP thinks being with my children for 30 minutes is stressful and never wants to help with them. We don't live together and he doesn't see them that often. What should I do?

Then I could say: LTB

So I'll still say: LTB

[StuntGirl]

I don't actually mind reverse threads, didn't realise there was such hatred for them. It's usually pretty obvious when its a reverse anyway!

Why your partner, who is by choice child free, decided to date a woman with two children is beyond me. And why you chose to be with a man who has admitted he doesn't like or want children is equally bizarre. I couldn't be with a man who had such wildly different ideals for life, you need to decide if you do.

[financialwizard]

Why have you not told him to fuck off to the far side of fuck and then fuck off some more?

I met my husband when I had my DS and he was superb with him. We have been together 6 years next year, married for 5 and he is like a Dad to him. You should be a family unit.

Get rid ASAP.

[tiffinbaker]

It was obvious that it was a reverse AIBU, no man with the attitude described in the OP would choose dingledangleflipflop as a nickname.

LTB from me too I'm afraid. He has a childish attitude to family life and will be very bad for your children's development as they grow up. You need a relationship with an adult, not an overgrown child.

[biff23]

Don't think you are unreasonable for watching lap top, we do things like this all the time. Can't stand the crap the kids watch.

However, expecting praise is ridiculous when spending time with the kids. You are either there for them all, with no cop outs when you're feeling tired/stressed etc (this is what being a parent is all about) or you don't really want the role of step-parent, on which case you need to walk away. I'm afraid with children it's all or nothing.

[diddl]

Wanting praise-seriously??!!

Doesn´t seem that he sees the kids often enough to find them stressful tbh!

Watching something different in the same room-can´t exactly see the problem with that tbh.

Unless they really would have enjoyed for him to watch the film with them as a family.

Seeing how little he sees of them that doesn´t sound a very big ask tbh.

[HecateQueenofWitches]

Yup. I think it is time to call it a day.

If someone cannot fold someones children into their life then they have no business taking up with someone who has them. None at all.

[splashymcsplash]

I read this as clearly a reverse aibu and read on with the thread and it is.

While he is of course bu, yabu for not simply posting it straightforwardly.

From your post I think its clear you need to find someone new.

[jessjessjess]

He's acting like a child. Please leave him. If you end up shacking up together he will make your DCs' lives a misery.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

OP- the man is an utter dickhead. Leave him. You deserve better and will meet a much nicer man than him.

He sounds like every woman's worst nightmare. Pretending he is happy to be with a woman with children,pretending to accept they come as a package only to turn around and be like "well actually no".

[eslteacher]

As someone with no kids of my own, who isn't a really a kid person, but who got involved with a man with a child - would just say in his defense that there isn't really any way to know what you're getting into. For a start, when I started seeing DP I didn't necessarily think that this would be "the" relationship, I thought maybe it would just be a fling. And secondly, even when I started to think it could develop into something, and I knew he had a kid - well, I hadn't been around kids since I was one, I had no idea what to expect to be honest. What you imagine it will be like isn't necessarily what turns out to be the case. And by the time you have had enough contact with the kid to start realising "actually having someone else's child(ren) in your life on a permanent basis isn't that easy" probably you are already deeply in love with your DP and it's not just a case of saying "well I'll be off then".

For me, I went through some serious internal struggles of "can I do this?" - but came out the other side. I like having DSS around now, even if it's not always easy. I think we've all found a happy balance in our family dynamic.

But if after three years (incidentally roughly the same length of time I've been with my DP/DSS) OPs DP is still stuck in this negative place - I think that yousmell is right, unless you just want to have a very casual "dating" relationship, where can this really go?