to expect a bit more gratitude for spending time with DP's children?

[dingledangleflipflop]

I have been with my DP for 3 years (have known each other for about 7), she has two children aged 4 and 8 and I'm sick of her not appreciating the effort I make with them.

I see the children once every week or fortnight as I work away, when I'm around I do spend time with the children but rather than appreciate my efforts, DP says this is simply what she expects me to do.

According to her, I knew the situation when we got together (her having kids) and if I want to be with her I should be prepared to just get stuck in and stop expecting praise.

Things came to a head yesterday when I looked after her children for half an hour while she went to the supermarket, I do not have children so I do find it stressful being around them at times. After driving her to the supermarket, looking after her kids and then driving everyone back to her house again I said I'd like to watch a DVD on my laptop (with headphones in) while they sat and watched a film in the same room.

DP kicked off and said if I wanted to do that I might as well not be there, it would be rude to sit in the same room doing something else when we could all sit together and watch something suitable for the children.

I'm sick of her selfish attitude, I was stressed out from entertaining her kids while she went shopping and just want her to understand that sometimes I need time to unwind after being around them.

She refuses to back down and says I'm trying to cherry pick when I am involved with her kids, who is being unreasonable?

[SchmancyPants]

This must be a reverse AIBU surely?

[ComposHat]

This is either a reverse post or some bellend from Pistonheads.

[WorraLorraTurkey]

OP has the thought crossed your mind (and I realise it may be a long and lonely journey) to actually come back to the thread and elaborate?

[CabbageLeaves]

The MN wisdom is to build a relationship without children (for 6 months minimum) which I always find bizarre. It leads to a false state of affairs where a DP expects a woman but not the children. It also means you don't weed out men who aren't capable of parenting

[BelleDameSousMistletoe]

^^ this

[BelleDameSousMistletoe]

Dammit - Composhat was the "this".

[Narked]

You poor thing. She's being so unreasonable. I think you would do well to think about leaving the relationship and finding someone who can give you the appreciation you deserve.

Have your friends been supportive? If you have any single, straight male friends that have laughed at you when you've told them about her awful behaviour, please leave her their numbers before you go.

[IamtheZombie]

CabbageLeaves, that wisdom is so that young children aren't subjected to a string of strange men or women popping into and then out of their lives.

[dingledangleflipflop]

No not a troll, I should probably confess it is a reverse AIBU

I'm sooo fucked off with my 'D'P but he has said he thinks I'm being selfish expect too much from him, we don't live together but he has spent Christmas with me (DC were with their dad Christmas Eve til Boxing Day so we've not been stuck inside with the kids the whole time!)

It was the fact he needed to unwind after looking after them the really pissed me off, when I said he might as well leave he got into a huff and did exactly that!

Not sure if we are totally different wavelengths with our expectations?? Every now and again he'll bang on about how it really is a lot of effort for him to get involved with my kids, not easy for him as he has chosen not to have any for a reason and that I need to appreciate this (reason being he's a selfish bastard mostly!).

I've been in a few shitty relationships in the past, have self-esteem issues etc and often find it difficult to know when I'm right/wrong. I've had a tendency in the past to be a push over so when I try and be assertive it often backfires and I end up going over board and being in the wrong...

Just wanted some opinions to put things into perspective really!

[Narked]

You deserve better. They deserve better.

[WorraLorraTurkey]

He doesn't like kids

He has every right not to like them

He shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone who has them

Dump him, it'll never work.

[yohohoho]

I don't see the issue in him wanting to watch a film. Bit I think this was the straw that broke the camels back.

I rarely say this but leave the bastard.

[BumpingFuglies]

WTF is it with these "reverse AIBU's" ? Why not just say what you mean in the first place?

Tell him to jog on btw.

[eslteacher]

Reads like a reverse AIBU to me.

But for what its worth, I think YANBU for finding it difficult to cope with being a 'step parent' and not loving having the kids around, but YABU to expect praise every time you make an effort. It makes you sound like a third kid your DP has to juggle. Sounds like you and your DP are not on the same wavelength re: what you expect from each other. There are not neccessarily rights or wrongs re involvement IMO, but if you both have different expectations and can't find a compromise...you have some tough decisions ahead.

[FestiveElement]

If he's chosen not to have kids then what the fuck is he doing getting involved with a woman who has kids? And what the fuck are you doing letting him get close to your kids when he has spelled it out that he doesn't want particularly children in his life?

[eslteacher]

Cross post!

[sue52]

He's not going to change for you. Get out now.

[GroupieGirl]

I've been with my partner for ten months, and he's currently putting my two year old back to bed. I do not expect this, but I accept it gratefully. I do thank him, however he usually tells me to shut up when I do. We are a family...this is how it should be, I think.

[dingledangleflipflop]

I tried to type thing from my POV but it didn't seem quite right so thought I'd do it from what he has told me about how he feels, seeing as he believes I never see things from his POV.

We have been friends for a few years so he has always known my situation, he is very good with children (my own and his nieces/nephews), he just finds their energy and excitement very stressful. We discussed children when we first got together and I think in a way he was glad that I have my two because he felt it would stop me from wanting any with him in the future.

He has told me he doesn't think it will work due to our different expectations and that he is shocked and speechless at how I feel, definitely seems like it's time to call it a day.

Thanks for the replies, all very useful!

[SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot]

I hate reverse POVs, they piss me off.

But you deserve better than this bullshit. DP put DS to bed tonight because DS wanted him to, and he came out afterwards saying how much he adores DS, and loves that he can do the odd bedtime etc. He goes out of his way to do things with and for DS, and has never once indicated he wanted praising for it. I do praise him a lot, and he gushes about how wonderful DS is in reply. In fact, he probably boasts about how amazing DS is to anyone people more than I do.

And whilst that is wonderful, it is also the way things should be. He should feel privileged to be allowed in to your children's lives! He shouldn't be treating you, or them, like this.

LTB. You will be much much happier.

[SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot]

Sorry, should also add that DP and I don't live together, he sees DS a few times a week briefly (playschool drop offs etc) and the odd evening. He also watches him for me when I have hospital appointments.

[Aspiemum2]

You deserve better than this. He is totally wrong for you, totally wrong for your dc's.
I do understand how hard it is when you have self esteem issues but I would urge you to take some time to work on that outwith a relationship, you will settle for less than you deserve if you are not confident in yourself.