To not want to go out with my pretty friend

[guccigirl666]

I know I ABU, but I can't help but dread nights out with my close friend. She is lovely, and very attractive. I am rather plain, and every time we go out I feel like a prized idiot as men swarm to her, one even asked if he could have a photo taken with her recently!

Meanwhile I'm stood there, feeling awkward and ugly. I now dread going out with her, even though she is a v good friend. We don't have any mutual friends so we tend to go out just us 2. We are due to be having some drinks tomorrow night and I just don't want to, I always come home feeling shit, last time we went out the guy she was talking to referred to me as a "grower" .

[samandi]

Sorry, but if she values random men buying her drinks over catching up with a close friend (and at that friend's expense) she doesn't seem much of a friend to me.

[ShotgunNotDoingThePans]

I agree she doesn't sound like much of a friend. True, she has something rare and special and she can't help that - but she can act appropriately in the circumstances.
To me, acting appropriately would be graciously smiling and making it clear she's there to talk to her friend and doesn't need drinks bought or the rapt attention of an unknown male to make her evening. Bat them away rather than beckon them in.
And if she insists on going to to pick-up joints rather than the more low-key options you suggest, you'll know she's agyer an ego-boostand puts that above your comfort and enjoyment of the evening.

[MooncupGoddess]

I have a friend like this. I once went to the loo and came back to find her surrounded by about eight men!

But it doesn't sound much fun for you, so stick to your guns and only agree to go to restaurants with a drink before/after but not as the main event.

[Lavenderhoney]

I used to go out with a friend, we both had dp, and men used to send over bottles of champagne to our table for me and a request to join me for a drink. ( we used to work together) I always smiled and sent them back with a nice wave and a sorry, I'm here with my friend and we want to chat to each other, plus we have dp) my friend was always upset as she said no one had ever offered to buy her drinks. She was lovely but with no self confidence.

I had another friend, not classically beautiful, who was very confident and if any man came over would stick her hand out with a " hi, I'm x" and monopolise the conversation! One said to me 'I came to talk to you, but your mate has something" I just laughed and said that would be why I was her friend:)

Invite someone else with you when you go out. Sounds like you are her wingman for nights out she wouldn't normally have. Or go to a restaurant and meet there.. Not in a bar first.

[PeppermintPasty]

Well, she doesn't sound like a great friend to you. In my 20s I had an absolutely gob smackingly beautiful colleague/friend who was funny and clever to boot. Now I'm not bad but only my dad ever said I was beautiful (aaah darling dad ).

She would literally stop traffic when we went out, and stupid idiots
men would run across the road to try to talk to her. She was always polite unless they got too much (they were ALWAYS too much), and she would never ever make us feel like lesser mortals. In fact I used to seethe at these men on her behalf and sometimes tell them to eff orf -she could never let her hair down and relax as she was always fending them off.

She did find it tiresome, and quite liked going out with a gang of good friends, both male and female, for obvious reasons. But she never made us feel like crap. Perhaps you should have a word?

[BluelightsAndSirens]

Yes! Let her meet your friends, she isn't going to widen her own social circle this way, these men arnt buying her drinks all night to be her friend

I'm ancient compared to you but have always been when it comes to going out and being bought for company with expectations attached to it.

I lost contact with a really nice lady because her idea of a Saturday night out was only taking a tenner which wasn't intended for drinks or her taxi home so degrading watching her hang around the bar fluttering her eye lashes and pushing her tits further towards her chin.

Not my idea of a fun night out at all!

[SherbetVodka]

Maybe if you invited her out with some of your other friends, you'd feel less uncomfortable when she got chatted up as you'd still have other people to talk to and she'd possibly feel less needy of this kind of attention if her social circle expanded?

[guccigirl666]

We are 23, she is very sociable and loves to meet new people. Without giving away too much info and 'outing' myself, she is new to the area and misses her hometown very much so I think that accounts for some of her eagerness at striking conversation etc with these men. The problem is the guys are not interested in even talking to me in the slightest, I will make effort and kind of laugh at jokes being told etc but just feel like I look ridiculous even trying to make conversation in the end as they just want to talk to my friend.

I think she doesn't notice me fading away into the background and genuinely think she'd be upset to realise. We have had a few meals and quiet drinks in family pubs recently but I can't keep putting off a night out and feel I just seem so boring constantly suggesting lower key things. She has travelled a lot and met many interesting people and likes to party!

[Dozer]

Your friend sounds like a pita, chatting to randoms and flirting when out with just one other friend. Rude, needy and shallow.

I had friends like this when we were 18, but they grew up! And beautiful friends who get attention politely decline to talk to men, because they're out with friends!

[BluelightsAndSirens]

Out of interest how old are you and your friend op?

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

YANBU

I don't think your friend sounds lovely, I think she sounds shallow and cheap - and perhaps as if she enjoys the contrast between the two of you. She should be waving these blokes away, not accepting drinks and having a fun evening with you, rather than using you as some company while she has her ego massaged.

[SherbetVodka]

alwayswashingup with respect, that's not what's happening here. OP is not complaining that her friend is putting her down. She's saying that she is being ignored and insulted by men on nights out, who are only interested in talking to her prettier friend. Quite different from the situation you've described, awful as it must be for you and your daughter.

[alwayswashingup]

I had this in my teenage, early adult life. When I used to go out with girls and even ladies later on, they would make comments about how a dress didn't look nice on me, or my hair was too long, just comments that would put my confidence down, wheareas the boys/men always paid me alot of attention. I had such a low self esteem due to these females putting me down, and honestly never did I get a compliment from a female. It wasn't really till my adult life that I realised that they were just jealous, it was my then boyfriend, now husband that made me look in the mirror and love myself. My daughter is going through something similar, where her friends often put her down, she actually is starting to think she is unattractive ( she is 9 ) and calls herself ugly. I am biased but she is stunning, a mini jessica alba

[BluelightsAndSirens]

I'm not liking the sound of your friend very much.

Does she want to go out and socialise with you, catch up on the last couple of weeks and spend time in your company.

Or does she want to go out, pretend she is single accepting drinks from strangers and have them hanging around you all night only taking to her whilst you are standing around wishing you had stayed in and finished your ironing?

If it was me I would try changing the dynamic, tell her you are past being her side kick and would next time prefer a table in Nando's for a catch up.

Sorry, but your posts make it sound like you are tagging along so she doesn't have to go out caging free drinks off men on her own

[Hopefully]

I had a friend like this (I think everyone has had a friend like this at some point? Except maybe Miranda Kerr). I realised eventually that (a) her idea of a good night out (being bought drinks, getting attention) was not my idea of a good night out, and (b) the problem was mine to solve, not hers. She was getting everything she wanted.

I started only doing things like meals out in restaurants (fewer chat up oops) or takeaway together. Initially that worked fine but actually we grew apart as she simply wanted that attention more than she wanted me. Fair enough! Showed me that the friendship was different for both of us.

[Helltotheno]

She is very sociable and likes the attention so is happy for them to continue to buy her drinks which involves them sticking around us usually,

Don't like the sound of her OP. She sounds shallow tbh. If she's all about the male attention, you shouldn't go out with her just the two of you. Is there a gang you could organise to go with you so that it's not all focussed on her?
What about in future just meeting her on nights in, restaurants, coffee etc?
If she had any sensitivity, she'd know you're not comfortable with it and wouldn't tolerate insulting comments being made by men towards you... if she was a real friend that is.

[purrpurr]

Methinks those that are saying you are being unreasonable have not had to suffer this kind of night out or this kind of friendship. Those saying to stop beating herself up are nice, but be realistic, we can't all be beautiful. I'm as plain as an old suitcase and I'm very comfortable with my lot these days. I have good self esteem and the OP could well have good self esteem too. Good self esteem is not dependent upon telling yourself you're beautiful when you're not. It's appreciating yourself through and through with a realistic respect of your own values.

That said, when I was younger I went out for nights out with a gorgeous woman for a couple of years and my self esteem ended up in tatters. Men would flock to her and buy her drinks and she always entertained them, she loved the positive attention - despite being gorgeous, her self esteem wasn't the best. Unfortunately mine was actually OK at the start but always being given a cursory nod before being ignored ruined my self perception. Nobody would choose to stand beside a more beautiful person forever. You want to feel beautiful sometimes too. And if you can't feel beautiful, you still want to feel good - I'm plain but I'm warm and nice and funny and I know stuff. Beside my beautiful friend, I was plain and not able to really contribute to conversation because there was zero interest in what I was going to say. That wasn't me being boring and cats-bum-faced, that was just how it was.

[megandraper]

It sounds really boring to hang out with someone who is spending their evening flirting with strangers and getting them to buy her drinks.

Is your friend using you as a wingman? (i.e. someone to accompany her on her flirty-fishing trips?) That would annoy me too. Nights out with a friend should be about enjoying their company - esp when you are coupled up (whether or not your friend is). Perhaps she needs to find someone else to go with her on her flirty nights out, and to see you when she wants to spend time with you.

[DancingInTheMoonlight]

Turn the grower comment on its head and take it as a compliment. I would see it as meaning that your personality won him over and made you more attractive to him. That's a much bigger deal than being physically attractive!

[blueemerald]

If a friend of mine had a partner and let/encouraged strangers to buy her drinks in a bar I'd definitely say something about it to her!

[bringbacksideburns]

If she's a good friend i don't see why you can't speak some truth. Tell her you sometimes feel uncomfortable because of all the male attention she gets when it seems to be negative to you, that you know it's not her fault but it affects your confidence in yourself . What did she say about the Grower comment, because i would have told the person in question to go away and stop being rude.

Maybe suggest new places to go to? Tell her that you don't like a certain place and don't want to go in it if you know it attracts this. Hopefully you can compromise.

[EugenesAxeChoppedDownANiceTree]

I don't think you would be unreasonable to ask her to turn blokes away that offer to buy drinks and explain why; this does create a real barrier to your enjoyment of each others' company.

Otherwise, remember the Twits: 'You can have a crooked nose, wonky mouth and double chin, but if you think nice thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look beautiful.'

[MoomieAndFreddie]

thats sad OP

i don't think its your friend thats the problem, or your perceived plain looks, i am sure there is nothing wrong with you, you just need to boost your self esteem

why do we women beat ourselves up so much? :(