father of 7 month old twins has left us

[Daisy3700]

My partner left the family home two months ago when our babies were 7 months old. We had been bickering for months due to his lack of empathy and his incredibly high standard with regards to housework even though I was heavily pregnant and suffering from pre eclampsia (we found out when I was admitted to hospital that I had gestational diabetes, a failing kidney, a seriously deranged liver, low platelet count and BP of 218/111 (upon giving birth)). When we got home from hospital he slept in a separate bedroom with earplugs and did the minimal to help care for the babies. We argued constantly about the housework and other ridiculous issues.

It all came to a head when he lost his temper with me and accused me of not liking his family. I conceded and agreed that I found them overbearing (they came to our house almost daily during some periods of my pregnancy to decorate the house even though I asked for time to myself).

Within a week of leaving he went flat hunting with his mother, bought replica baby equipment and told me it was all my fault. Since then he has insisted that I have a mental illness (I self referred and it has been confirmed that I am extremely stressed and not at all PND). He is now insisting on 50/50 custody of the children and we have put the house up for sale.

He has morphed into a father who left all the hard work to me, to being (with a lot of help from his willing family) to a father who is capable to the point that he is telling me how/what to feed them, how to deal with sleep patterns, how to bath them etc. I have two other children who have turned out completely balanced young men and are a credit to my parentlng skills and so I find this incredibly insulting.

However, he says that in an ideal world, if I were to change (this means learning how to cook, becoming fastidious about housework and not rising to any arguments) he might come back. He has said that if I can maintain a friendly relationship with him, keep the house very tidy, apologise to his family for any hurt I have caused he will consider coming home (this could be in 6 months or 2-3 years).

He swears at me daily. His usual name for me is f@cking pr@ck or tw@t. He slams the phone down on me and says he is busy at work. He won't pay child support because he is paying his part of the mortgage and a further £125 per month for some of the bills. However, he is paying half of the nursery fees (but has suggested that because I am on maternity leave the babies should not be in nursery on the two afternoons they are at present). This is the only respite I have.

I am picking up the rest but am currently on nil pay at the end of maternity leave so am using my credit card to get by. He says 'so what - it;s all your fault - too bad'. He earns over £250k in the City but keeps telling me that he has no money because I forced him to rent a flat down the road. At the same time, my business is about to go into receivership - another stress that he says I should 'just get on with because it is all my own fault'.

Yesterday he mooted the idea of where the babies should attend school. I was honest and told him that if we are not together I would probably move back to the coast and they would probably attend a school there. He said I was denying him contact with the children and he would take me to court. He wants 50/50 custody, and therefore does not want to pay any child support, but wants them over night 180 days per year.

I've done everything I can to appease him. I've cried and begged him to come home. He has told me that he will follow his dream and create a new family with someone else, and has had a couple of offers already.

Today I summonsed strength and gave him an ultimatum (via text because he will not take my calls) to either meet me half way, go to counselling and accept some of the blame for our relationship breakdown, and come home or let the legal system take its course.

Is there anyone else who has been in a similar situation? If so, what was the outcome please?

Thanks

[Daisy3700]

Has anyone else been in this situation? If so, what was the outcome please? I'm not sure at what point to call in my solicitor. Thanks

[bbface]

This I serious. This man is not a layabout who can threaten but unlikely to have the funds or the ability to articulate himself to progress. This man is wealthy, powerful and has family support.

You need to gather every fibre of strength you have. You need to get legal support asap, like tomorrow morning.

It must be so tempting to have him back, the father of your children and also your financial rock. But this man mounds sinister and you should expect so so so much more in life.

Sorry if I have concerned you, but seriously.... This IS serious. And you have to play a City guy like this (I know many, coming from the City myself) at his own game.

[Daisy3700]

And thanks for all the feedback - very much appreciated.

[bbface]

You must call your solicitor tomorrow am. I can not stress this enough. Do NOT tell him or anyone from his family.

[Loislane78]

Total prick - what example is he setting your DC behaving like this, let alone the impact on you emotionally. Misogynist git who has a lot of authority at work no doubt and thinks he can treat his family like employees (he should have paid for a cleaner for you!!). You're well rid hun, GL :)

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Daisy the time was 2 months ago when he started, by giving in to him you are creating a status quo you need to see your solicitor ASAP like tomorrow

[Hegsy]

Agree with others. Get legal advice ASAP

[ShipwreckedUnderTheTree]

call your solicitor first thing tomorrow!

I Didn't have kids but I did need to know exactly where I stood when my first marriage broke down.

seems to me that's even more important for you and your child.

[Softlysoftly]

Lovelylayduree so you are a prostitute then?

OP listen to the others, you will be happier alone, do not take him back he is abusing and playing games with you.

See if you can get proof of the name calling and demands for any custody battle and get DRs sign off that your stress levels are die to this and do not impair your parenting.

Then speak to a good solicitors, get the house on the market, go back to work and become self sufficient.

[MsIngaFewmarbles]

Call Women's Aid. This is abusive behaviour from him. Get a solicitor and cut all contact immediately. You poor woman, I'm not surprised you're stressed :(

[Daisy3700]

Loislane78 - that's exactly the retort I use. He does speak to me like I work for him, but he has so much respect for his colleagues because 'they all work in the City and are therefore blessed with the brains of the nation'.

I know what I should do, it's just really difficult to open the can of worms with the solicitor, and so I felt that I needed the opinions of other mums to tip me over the edge to actually do something about it.

BBface - thanks for your advice. I think you are right. I told his mother today that he needs to meet me half way. I've done all I can now I think to fix our relationship. I just wanted to gauge what others would do in my situation. It's such a hard step to take because once solicitors are involved there is no going back and he will set out to decimate me. That's what I'm worried about.

[amillionyears]

Can I ask what it is you like about him?
Or do you still want him around permanently so that you will all be a family with your twins?

You are asking if anyone else has been in your situation and what was the outcome. I am not sure how relevant that question is, because they are not married to your particular husband. No one else's situation is going to be identical to yours.

[amillionyears]

x post

[Softlysoftly]

Ok no one can have exactly the same situation because every couple is different but my sister divorced a financial city type a year ago, he wasn't abusive but he did act like she was an employee.

She was also on anti-Ds. Throughout and post the divorce it has become one massive power-play, these types of men are so used to underlings jumping they can't stand defiance.

She coped/copes by staying totally aloof, calm, non argumentative but not giving an inch. She went for a final financial settlement so as to be totally unreliable on him for money apart from a contractually agreed amount of maintenance for her children plus interest rises yoy so no ongoing arguments.

She is happier than ever, off the ADs and with someone new.

The only worrying difference is that I know xbil would never have gone for more than joint custody as he knows he couldn't cope and already moves his mother in on his days.

So yes it will be hard but wipe emotion off now and focus on an exit for your kids.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Ok if I were in your suituation.

I would not communicate with him other than in forms that can be evidenced, I would disengage completely from the relationship and anything other than the children,

I would be disruptive towards any significant contact unless it was not over night and in short but frequent bursts.

I would either go back to work or look into benefits

I would take legal advice especially with regard to a worry that he would be trying to take the kids compleatly and I would ask exactly how could I legally make it impossible for him to do that.

[Softlysoftly]

*unreliant not unreliable!

[OliviaPeaceOnMumsnet]

Hi there
OP please let us know if you'd like us to move this thread to our relationships topic, wont you?

[HildaOgden]

Get legal advice,it is your only option right now.Just because you get advice,does not mean you have to take it,or launch legal proceedings....it will just arm you with specific information about your legal rights.(Don't tell him you have got a lawyer working on it until you decide to launch proceedings).

Don't be afraid of finding out exactly what your legal position is.Take that first step and find out.

(I'd stop taking his calls in the meantime...they are abusive and designed to wreck your head,he's smart enough not to be vicious in written communication so he has to torment you some way.Don't let him.Let his calls go to answerphone,and reply by text only)

The very best of luck to you,he sounds like a nightmare to deal with.

[ThoughtsPlease]

Financially, have I understood correctly you are not married?

Are you both named on the mortgage?

His mortgage payments do not affect child maintenance as the CSA would calculate it as he has an interest in the house and is therefore benefitting from the payments he makes.

[Rudolphstolemycarrots]

Start recording his phone calls and keep a diary of what he says to you. At all times be reasonable yourself.

Strongly suggest aspergers assessment. I think he may have ASD. If he cannot be empathic to you, how can he be empathic to your little ones? Will he be able to meet their emotional and physical needs? You need to discuss your concerns with the solicitor.

Has he actually looked after the children on his own yet? Does he actually know what is involved. Out line to any officials how little he has been involved and how little support he has offered. Do not move out of the family home.

The main thing is that you see a solicitor and get things moving forward while you are their main carer. While you are the main carer, you will have a larger entitlement child time wise. You will then be entitled to child support.

[cuillereasoupe]

they all work in the City and are therefore blessed with the brains of the nation

Those would be the 'brains of the nation' that plunged us into economic meltdown, no? I'd be tempted to point that out to him. Twat. (Not really, disengaging/contact through solicitor is the way forward).

[AlbertaCampion]

I agree that you should see a solicitor ASAP. However I will respectfully disagree with some of the others posting here, because I think you may be entitled to more than you realise! Although unmarried mums are generally entitled to sod all, different rules can apply when the non-resident parent is a high earner. You may be eligible for a carer's allowance, in addition to child maintenance.

Also, any attempt by him to go for 50:50 contact may be derailed by the presumably ridiculous hours he works in the City. Child maintenance for two children on a 250K salary is a fair whack!

I think your biggest potential problem could be the disparity of the funds available to you & him - he could bring some pressure to bear.

I am not a solicitor, but I think you should see one as soon as you can. All is there to play for, don't give up at this early stage...

[Loislane78]

cuiller my thoughts exactly

[Dawndonna]

I would recommend seeing a solicitor fairly quickly.

Aspergers cannot be diagnosed over the internet.

[Daisy3700]

I've held off so far because I was hoping he would come home, but I asked him today if he would like to come out for a drink with me and it was met with a very long silence followed by 'are you f@cking joking? you haven't shown me that you have changed.' He also has a bee in his bonnet about spending a night under the same roof as me. His mother said it's because he is afraid I will call the police if we have another argument, but if he wants to (and he has indicated that he does want to) come home then I can't understand why he is afraid to stay in our house overnight.