DH spending our joint money on his DCs

[ilikelongnaps]

I just want to post here to see if IABU before i tackle this with DH. I'm on mat leave atm receiving stat mat pay so things are tighter than usual. DH and I have a joint acc which we use for our DDs things (although if i'm buying her something not necessarily needed eg a new dress I'll use my own account. We put in an equal amount of money to the joint acc and i like to keep a buffer in there.

Xmas is coming and bearing in mind things are tight this year I've been so careful with buying for our dd. It's her first xmas and wont even notice that she has n't got stacks of gifts so i'm not bothered really but if i could i would have got her a few extra toys etc. I've bought her things with money from my own account and DH hasn't contributed to this.

Today i was checking our joint account online and its ALOT lower than I had expected. It turns out DH has been using the our joint account to buy his DDs bits and pieces eg among other things £30 spent in New Look and cash withdrawn here and there when he's been with them and almost £25 in mcds, all of which he told me about but I assumed it would be him paying out of his account, not ours. I know he's bought his DDs big xmas gifts this year that he said has left him short of money but now i'm stuck with hardly any money in the account to buy dd nappies and milk etc. and we were going to buy an xmas tree and a dd's first stocking.

It's not fair that he knows I'm not earning what I was and i'm going back to work in the new year but i was so careful and not done alot of things with dd that i would have liked to while ive been on mat leave and felt guilty about taking money from the joint account for 'fun' things and not bought any clothes for myself (I wouldn't spend £30 in New Look on myself atm as i wouldn't be able to justify it) and it just seems a bit unfair that just because he's low in his account he can just use our money to treat his dds which i would have no problem with if we could afford it but we can't.

So that was long! I guess i'm ranting and ordinarily i wouldn't mind him using our joint acc to pay for stuff for his dds as long as our dd was stocked in nappies and formula which i think are more important than a 10yo getting some leggings!

[MasterOfTheChristmasDisaster]

So your step children get IPads, yet your DD gets bugger all?

I'm sorry but he isn't treating his children fairly, and IMO that's wrong.

As well as leaving his wife to struggle financially. Sounds like a nice guy

[JenaiMathis]

Presents for children should come from the joint account imo, with any particularly lavish spends being discussed more than usual. It sounds as if you and your husband haven't budgeted for this though.

If you've been left with insufficient funds for essentials, then you need to talk.

Fairy's suggestion that ideally you should work backwards so that each has the same amount of personal money is a good one, and something we try to do.

[JenaiMathis]

Master - when you say "your dd gets bugger all" are you referring to presents specifically? Nobody in their right mind would spend the same on a baby as they would a 10yo at Christmas, surely?

[Arisbottle]

MN is full of people who spend obscene amounts on babies and toddlers

[Moominsarescary]

It doesn't sound like the op has a problem with him buying iPads, just that he left himself short so decided to buy non essentials like mcdonalds out of the joint account not leaving enough for nappies Xmas tree and a stocking for their dd. That's pretty shit IMO

[Arisbottle]

The moment I found out that a man I was seeing left his children to struggle I would be out the door .

Apart from singling him out as a twat, odds on that will be you one day

[MrsTerrysChocolateOrange]

But it is her Arisbottle and it is today. The older ones have meals out, new clothes and iPads. It is the baby who is now going to go without.

[RacHoHoHog]

I wonder what the response would be if the op dipped into the joint pot for treats for her dd, meaning there wasn't enough left for the maintenance payment for the older dd's.

[Arisbottle]

I am not disagreeing that it is daft to spend money on extravagant presents when another child is going hungry.

I am disputing the idea that a step parent has no financial responsibility to the step children they knew about.

[Arisbottle]

I would find it hard to get worked up about a top from new look and a McDonald's .

iPads are a different matter

[exoticfruits]

It is just a lack of communication- needed to have discussed presents some weeks ago and what they were getting OP's DD and her siblings - and budgeted from the joint account.

[MrsTerrysChocolateOrange]

Arisbottle I wholeheartedly agree with you about that. I think a family is a family, regardless of what shape that is. Fostered, adopted, step, half all just DC as far as I am concerned. The issue is that he is trying to rob Peter to pay Paul.

What presents are they getting from their DM and family?

[KellyEllyChristmasBelly]

I am disputing the idea that a step parent has no financial responsibility to the step children they knew about. But they don't same as they have no parental responsibility. Do you really think the mother would let the step mum have a say in their education for instance. So why should they pay for children who aren't theirs. The financial responsibility lies with the parents.

[Inertia]

If the joint account is used to pay bills, direct debts, food and essentials, it shouldn't be spent on treats / presents for anybody.

Sounds like you (as a couple) could do with a separate savings account which pays for birthday presents / Christmas presents / treats / school trips etc for both children.

Whichever parent receives child benefit should use that to pay for essentials for the child - milk, food , nappies unless the household budget can absorb the cost, and for essential clothes and shoes.

Between you, you need to figure out how you and DH support all the children in your family so nobody goes without.

[waltermittymistletoe]

Like it or not, a step child is not the responsibility of the step parent!

Most of us would, I imagine, share the financial responsibility from the household income but nobody has to if they don't want to.

[timeforachangebaby]

SPs bear no financial responsibility to SCs - most SPd I know - do financially continues to the SCs - but that's a personal choice.

How much say in an SCs life does an SP get?

Being married to someones dad does not give you PR.

I raised my former SS for 7 years with no help/input/financial contribution from him ahem mother - I spent a lot of money on him along with his dad - but I didn't have to, I chose to.

How he totally destroyed our lives repaid us - is a long story but helping him and his sister was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life.

I would be 10s of thousands better off - literally, if I had never helped to support them - and I wish I had paid more attention to my own childrens needs - they were always second to the "poor" SCs.

[waltermittymistletoe]

Sounds like you (as a couple) could do with a separate savings account which pays for birthday presents / Christmas presents / treats / school trips etc for both children

I think they do Inertia but her DH has been using the joint account to treat his children.

[timeforachangebaby]

Oh and this idea children from first marriages shouldn't have "less" because of new babies in a second marriage - ridiculous - hats how it generally works in "together" families.

Having siblings does bring non financial rewards - not everything can be measured in terms of £s.

And MacDonalds is a treat - we never go there because when morny is right it's an extra extravagance.

[maleview70]

A baby won't have a clue what's going on. Why waste any money on a baby who is still clearly very young if you are getting smp.

Complete waste of money.

[MrsTerrysChocolateOrange]

I can imagine the scene in ten years. All the kids together looking at the photo albums (or holograms by then). "It was your first Christmas DC", "Look at your sisters with their iPad", "What did I get for my first Christmas, where are my presents and where is the tree and stocking?". "You got fuck all, flower, your DF can't budget".

[CremeEggThief]

I think he should have discussed it with you first and he should have made sure there is enough for the essentials, such as formula and nappies.

[JenaiMathis]

Don't be ridiculous MrsTerrys.

[OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos]

Like it or not, a step child is not the responsibility of the step parent!

Are you serious?

I very much hope you don't have any step children, and I am very thankful that my lovely husband doesn't feel that way about part of the family he chose to join!

[QuacksForDoughnuts]

maleview70 - why waste money on a new baby? Yes, clearly the greedy little blighter should go without food and nappies so her big sister doesn't have to miss out! OP is fine with the baby getting less by way of presents. Why should she also be fine with being short of money for the basics? Her husband should budget as a person with three kids rather than two...