To ask how to discourage my daughter's rampant materialism?

[superstarheartbreaker]

Especially now it's near Christmas. I do enjoy buying her the occasional treat from the pound shop or some sweets but at the moment every time we go out she wants me to buy her something. She's alwsys asking if I have bought her a present and it is so wearing. Of course I normally say no but sometimes I cave in. We found a good toy in the charity shop for £3.00 for example and I bought her that. Now it's Christmas her list is longer than my arm and there is no way she is getting everything on the list but if she sees something she likes she wants to write it down.
Another thing is that whenever we go shopping in the nearest big town with my dad he buys her something from the Disney shop. She now expects it. She kicks off if we don't go to the Disney shop. I told him today that we have to stop doing it. It is only a small something but still it is tat that she dosn't need. I just want her to apprechiate presents rather than expecting them.

[messtins]

Stop buying her stuff as 'treats' especially if she whines! giving in to whining just encourages olympic level whining. Once she is behaving really nicely you can then occasionally reward her with something ( as opposed to bribing her beforehand). Our kids have a wish list which has stopped any " I want xyz". It goes on the list, they get presents from rellies at Christmas and birthdays and most of them will consult the list for ideas. They know there is no guarantee of getting it. Make her write or draw a letter to Santa, the effort involved cuts down the list dramatically. My sons have asked for one thing each this year and will also get a stocking. Get her involved in something that gives to less fortunate children, either choosing small gifts for one of the shoebox projects with lots of chat about how some children don't have any toys, or sending some unwanted or outgrown toys to support a children's charity.

[Rudolphstolemycarrots]

Maybe you could tell your Dad and your child that you are having two weeks of not buying any treats at all both before and after Xmas. That way she will appreciate her Xmas gifts. Try to ride out the tantrums and demands. If she tantrums, she definitely doesn't get anything. Treats are rewards only. Avoid the shops if you have to.

I have a great thing I do with my kids. I just explain that they can hold the item in the shop but they will have to put it back when we leave. They are really accepting and don't make any fuss.

You really must break the back of it now as you could end up with a very demanding teenager further down the road.

[Rudolphstolemycarrots]

Maybe in January you could give her a little pocket money each week and she could choose what to spend it on. You will need to explain that she can save it for something bigger or spend it but when it's gone, it's gone.

[marriedinwhite]

I dunno - some of it is inborn I think. My eldest (who is almost 18) has said he wants the following for Xmas: really good headphones, drums, a decent camera, a fantastic party for his 18th, a lot of clothes, etc., etc.. My 14 year old, who is a girl, has always been happy with a broken balloon and an empty jar - eye ore syndrome.

How many 14 years do you know given the run of Wesfield and any choice of any outfit and shoes they want, who say, nah, let's just go to Waterstones and have a coffee? Is she like it because she can have it or is it that she just isn't materialistic?

[purplecrayon]

Think this is a hard one, particularly re your dad. My DD is also 4 and on the odd occasion she is out with granny, she might get something she knows I wouldn't have bought for her. So, going out with granny is quite a treat! I would be inclined to let your dad get her something and try and sort out the materialism from your end.

These days, you can get lots of toys for comparatively little money so lots of children are materialistic, mine are more than I would like them to be. There is a huge amount of tat around, there are toys on sale in many more places than there used to be etc, party bags seem much more lavish etc.

[diddl]

"How many 14 years do you know given the run of Wesfield and any choice of any outfit and shoes they want, who say, nah, let's just go to Waterstones and have a coffee? Is she like it because she can have it or is it that she just isn't materialistic?"

That would have been/still is me tbh.

I have always hated shopping for clothes.

Although I like "stuff".

Quite fancy a tablet-but not enough to get off my arse & go look/buy though!

But if husband is kind enough to get me one...

[marriedinwhite]

DD's your kind of girl then Diddl. I wish I could get her interested in clothes, my mother would never buy me any and how I lusted. DD can have what she wants, within reason, and isn't interested

[givemeaclue]

How does she write it down? At four her writing skills surely are not that good?

When my children ask for things, which they don't much, I say Yes you can have it for Christmas or birthday when the time comes. ten minutes later they have forgotten all about it. We don't write lists not even for Santa, but we can ask Santa for something we would like.

We don't watch any ads on tv, we don't have Argos catalog in the house and we don't go to toys r us for a day out.

[valiumredhead]

We started pocket money at 5 - ds has grown up knowing the value of things as he knows how many 'weeks' something costs.

[McChristmasPants2012]

Ds aged 6 is like this, I think he has over 50 things he wants for Christmas, no chance of him getting everything. Especially as 1/2 are in his imagination.

[diddl]

I´ll swap, married-my daughter could spend as much time & money as she is given shopping.

My husband has always taken her.

Occasionally I got dragged along.

She usually goes with friends now.

My niece recently spent 10hrs at the Meadow Hall(?) in Sheffield.

10 mins would have had me tearing my hair out.

That said I love browsing for books, perfume, jewellry, & buying presents for anyone else.

Loved buying the kids clothes when they had no or little input.

Just clothes shopping-hate it!

The trying on, can´t decide, look elsewhere-back to first shop!

If for example I need a coat-that´s what I look at & buy.

Can´t be looking through racks & racks just in case I might like something.

[foslady]

Even at 4, I told my dd the truth. We watched CITV, saw an ad break and every toy I announced with shock how much it was. In a normal ad break it usually worked out at approx £160. I told her this was more money than I spent on food each week. That I would have to work for a week to earn that. And most importantly that it wasn't fair or children or mummies and daddies. After that, she would stand there and ask me how much every ad break was, and how it was over priced. Now she thinks carefully about what she wants. She also knows Santa only brings good boys and girls 1 present, the rest come from family and friends but go to Santa to be sprinkled with Christmas magic. Because there are so many boys and girls to buy for, it isn't fair to ask Santa for anything expensive, nor can he fit big things on like ponies and ride on cars....

[fuzzpig]

It's tricky isn't it, and I don't think it's that unusual!

I get my DCs too much throughout the year - it's never expensive, usually just little things from the charity shop or ebay. Both DH and I grew up with nothing (and vastly hypocritical mothers who bought themselves the best of everything, while we were dressed in tatty jumble sale clothes etc etc) and it makes us want to give our DCs lots. It's not even usually stuff they ask for - just things we see and know they'll love.

I am getting sick of all the adverts on tv, they love the milkshake programmes but DD wants everything advertised! We've told her that FC will choose things he knows they will love and play with lots, but I feel mean doing that because she doesn't really get to ask for anything she wants, and next year I think I will ask them to try writing a little list.

Quite tempted to start pocket money next year.

[fuzzpig]

I do get stuff that I know she has been interested in - eg she is getting a Barbie ultimate closet thingy because I know she loves it on the adverts - but I haven't specifically said "what do you want for Xmas" yet.

[TalkinPeace2]

"No, I cannot afford that"
"No, you do not need that"
No.

[blanksquit]

She's on the verge of being able to understand that you can't buy everything. That we work to earn money and we buy food and a roof over our head and sometimes there's a little bit for a treat but not every time we go out. Don't be afraid of saying no. They soon learn. Re xmas lists - just use your judgement to buy what you can afford and what you think will get played with long-term. Mine doesn't remember on the day what was on the list. I also sometimes tell her what I'd like and can't afford. Mean I know. But effective.

[fuzzpig]

DD has automatically started asking "how much is that" though I don't think she really understands the answer yet!

[TalkinPeace2]

"how much is that"
" more than we can afford today"
and walk away

[pointysettia]

foslady we used a very similar approach with the ads, from about 2.5 years old. We told them that the ads were not entertainment, they were trying to get us to buy something.

With toy ads, we invited them to think about ways that they would play with the advertised toys, and about how many different ways they could be used - this pretty quickly culled most of them.

I've also always done 'expectation management'when shopping - told the DDs exactly which shops we were going to and what we were looking to buy, and then sticking to that.

That way the occasional £1 book from the market bookstall was an enormous treat.

You do need to tackle this, OP - yes, they go through a materialistic stage, but now is the time to talk about the ads and encourage your DD to think about them critically.

[Sabriel]

My grandparents lived 4 hours drive away. When they came to visit they always brought presents. One day I said "hello grandma, what have you brought me?" (I was probably about 4) and my mum put a stop to it.

[ChippingInLovesAutumn]

I, like others on this thread, really didn't get anything other than for birthdays & christmas. I remember, at 7, having my tonsils out and thought it was 'pretty good' because I got some colouring books and felt tips

Toys are comparatively cheap now, children get bought tons of stuff. It is very rare to find a child who is brought up like we were with nothing between B & C and the thing is, I'd say they are less happy than we were. There's nowhere near the excitement when it comes to birthdays and christmas and I actually think that's sad. There's no anticipation or excitement about it - just expectation.

She's 4 - it's a good time to nip it in the bud! Just be straight with your Dad - if he really wants to 'do something' how about he gives her 50p or £1 for her money box and she can choose something to save up for?

I have friends with older children, they are just as bad - I now hate going out with them as they whinge the whole time for 'stuff' and my friend gives into them, so of course they keep whining and it just gets worse and worse. Their house is bursting at the seems with 'crap' and the kids really don't appreciate any of it.

[diddl]

How often does she see her GD & he treats her from the Disney shop?

She shouldn´t expect it & should also accept that she might ask for something too expensive, but I don´t see why it shouldn´t be something they do together tbh.

My Dad always brought presents-it´s what he wanted to do.

[WelshMoth]

Not sure if it's been mentioned, but switch off the TV.

We don't watch tv in our house at all. For a treat, they girls get to choose a DVD to snuggle up and watch (and that way, all the DVD's are pre-selected by me). Avoid TV ads like the plague.

You def need to have a word with your Dad though. He's setting a very bad precedent.

[TalkinPeace2]

when my kids were small I went through the freeview settings and deleted citv and any other kids channels that had adverts

I assume you can do the same with cable / satellite

same as I've deleted all the shopping and porn channels off the tv now

[Fozzleyplum]

OP, do you tend to go shopping (by which I mean non-food shopping) a lot?

This might sound simplistic, but one way to help sort it is to ensure you don't always go out to places where things can be bought. It amazes me how many people see shopping as a weekend leisure activity and then wonder why their children are always pestering for material things. I know it can be difficult to avoid shops, but there must be places to go with a 4 year old where there are no shops, or those that are there can be avoided.

DS1 had a materialistic streak, so I learned very early to say "no". After the first tantrum or two, he got the message.