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AIBU?

To give do half of this money?

101 replies

moopoint · 15/11/2012 07:45

I have a feeling I'm going to get flamed for this but anyway...

I started a uni course in September and applied for my bursary and help towards my child care costs. It's nursing so the bursary's quite good. Anyway, the child care help has just been sorted out and the payments have been back dated. Dp and I split the nursery fees. Should I give him half of the back dated payment (where it will be spent on nights out and other shit) or keep it for myself (and buy cheap, much needed winter boots and christmas presents)? He earns almost double what I do and we split all the bills for the house equally.

Obviously when it's time to pay the nursery I'll split the left over amount so we both pay the same.

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moopoint · 15/11/2012 12:17

I think you might be right Phoenix. I love him but its getting harder every day.

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poopnscoop · 15/11/2012 12:21

We don't have kids even... and it's always been OUR money... been married over a decade. I cannot for the life of me understand why couples see money as separate within the same household. Very strange...

ClippedPhoenix · 15/11/2012 12:21

Oh honey, time to think of you and your child isn't it. You know what he is and where it will lead. Get your studies under your belt and save your pennies. I'ts quite ideal in a lot of ways as he won't know what you're saving.

redexpat · 15/11/2012 12:22

I call it a running away account.

Spatsky · 15/11/2012 12:25

Well in this house all money is shared money so would not an issue but if your husband wants to play it that his is his and yours is yours then this is yours to do with as you please.

MsElleTow · 15/11/2012 12:26

Keep it for yourself and still ask for "his half" towards Christmas!

I couldn't be arsed with all this his money/my money crap. It's OUR money in our relationship.

moopoint · 15/11/2012 12:34

Yeah I know it's weird. I would much rather have 'our' money. I'm just not going to mention the back dated payment at all. He asked if it would be back dated and I said probably not but it has been.

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Inertia · 15/11/2012 13:24

Why would you refund DP for the nursery costs anyway ? He has equal responsibility for the care of your child ; it isn't solely your cost to meet. You shouldn't be fully responsible for presents either.

Sounds like you might need access to emergency money at some point, is your DP is financially abusive.

DontmindifIdo · 15/11/2012 13:42

No, keep it, and from now on, your DD's nursery costs are a bill you split 50/50 - if you get your 50% from your bursery, that's great, he only needs to know what the bill is and that you need 50% of it. Then if your bursery means you get more than your 50% covered, that's your income to hold on to, I agree with ClippedPheonix - you should save as much as you can in case you need an "oh fuck" fund to get away from this man.

He should also pay for half the christmas gifts for your DD, rather than try to get him to give you the money back, you'd be better off asking him to order it on line and give him half the money.

Buy cheapish boots so you can keep as much as possible.

CremeEggThief · 15/11/2012 13:51

Please keep it. You NEED it. He will just WASTE it from the sound of it.

Mousefunk · 15/11/2012 15:38

Its a no brainer really..If he sees money as yours and his then you keep the money because it is yours.. Play him at his own lousy game.

Its so so very silly how selfish people get over money. Its just frigging paper and yet it can be the be all and end all for some people... Way I see it is you are a partnership and it doesn't matter who earns what or even if one doesn't earn anything. That money should all go into one pot, bills are paid, food is bought and then whatever is left should be used for whatever else (be it days out, presents, clothes etc). End of story, simple. Money shouldn't even be discussed, it should just be there to spend on what is needed or even wanted. So long as you're not spending beyond your means then no problem.

moopoint · 15/11/2012 20:45

I'm going to start building up a 'get away' fund. If things improve and I never need to use it then fab, it's not going to harm anyone and at least I've got myself covered.

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moopoint · 15/11/2012 21:17

Well I just tried to talk about the difference in earnings with him and it ended with a fight. He says he has more expenses than me (this is true, he has a car and i don't) but that's his choice to drive, he could easily use public transport. Apparently I should be helping to pay for his car? 1) I don't drive. 2) His old car way paid off and he chose himself to get a bigger, more expensive car and I said I didn't think he should. But apparently I get lifts ( one a week where he picks me up from my parents after his work which is on the way)

I'm def getting a savings fund started. I don't think I can take much more.

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DontmindifIdo · 15/11/2012 21:21

Yes, don't discuss what you get from your bursery. There's no need for him to know if he wants you to keep your finances separate. If the agreement is you pay 50% of all bills each then stick to that.

Unfortunately, attitudes to money is one of the biggest 'deal breakers' for many couples.

ivykaty44 · 15/11/2012 21:22

take the car money out of his wages and then % the bills accordingly to how much you both earn, after the car is taken out of his wages.

ivykaty44 · 15/11/2012 21:24

TBH though if he is going to do you over on money do you want to then try and do him over with money and stay in a relationship where you think and act and then behave in this way?

moopoint · 15/11/2012 21:30

What do you mean by behave in this way? By not giving him half of the backdated payment of my child care help that I get through the student loan company?

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ivykaty44 · 15/11/2012 21:35

well you are keeping money secret and building a getting away find in case you need it to do a runner - that sort of behaviour.

I get the impression you don't want to behave that way?

moopoint · 15/11/2012 21:42

I don't but it's a sense able idea. Hopefully I would never have to use it and I'll manage to reach some sort of compromise about everything but if I'm honest with myself and mumsnet I'm not going to hold my breath. I wouldn't be doing a runner, they money would be for a deposit for a place of my own near by to him for ds.

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DontmindifIdo · 15/11/2012 21:43

I think it makes sense to be a bit sneeky with money to build up a reserve of cash when you are in a vunerable position with a man who at best is tight, at worst, financially abusive. If you aren't ready to leave, but think you might be in the future and have a child, it makes perfect sense to build up some reserves for yourself. If things start to improve, then there is nothing wrong with telling him you have your own savings - however any man who insists that 'his money is his, your money is yours' can hardly complain that you've kept the amount you have coming in to yourself and that you've built up savings without informing him.

moopoint · 15/11/2012 21:43

Sorry for the spelling/grammar mistakes. Bloody autocorrect!

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DontmindifIdo · 15/11/2012 21:45

Also, do you know for certain what his level of savings are? does he have any? would you know?

It does'nt sound like he's the sort of bloke who would be decent enough to continue to cover all the bills once your relationship broke down until you'd got yourself back on your feet, that being the case, you might need access to a couple of grand.

If things improve, then great, you have some savings for the future.

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morethanpotatoprints · 15/11/2012 21:47

OMG.

I have just realised how lucky I am. Sorry OP and others don't mean to gloat but used to think I wasn't.

Since ds1 came along (now 21), dh has worked and I am sahm. All the money is ours except tax credits, cb, and half dhs salary, which are mine.
He pays all the household bills, I pay for shopping, clothes, entertainment and dds activities.
If he was bad with money I would be putting my foot down and managing it all tbh, as obviously this is important when you have dc.
I know its each to their own but I can't do with his and hers money tbh, and don't understand half childcare each. It doesn't matter who pays for it if you are a partnership, to me anyway. Its still the same cost every month.

PickledFanjoCat · 15/11/2012 21:49

He needs to pay half fees and the deduction come purely from your half!

moopoint · 15/11/2012 21:52

As far as I know he doesn't have savings. He broke down a few months ago because he had spent them. Probably for nights out, the bookies and other crap because his wages more than cover his expenses. I could be wrong though, it wouldn't surprise me if he had a small fortune and isn't telling me. I can't even think of a reason for the way he is.

Should I be contributing to his car? I don't even have a license!

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