To give do half of this money?

[moopoint]

I have a feeling I'm going to get flamed for this but anyway...

I started a uni course in September and applied for my bursary and help towards my child care costs. It's nursing so the bursary's quite good. Anyway, the child care help has just been sorted out and the payments have been back dated. Dp and I split the nursery fees. Should I give him half of the back dated payment (where it will be spent on nights out and other shit) or keep it for myself (and buy cheap, much needed winter boots and christmas presents)? He earns almost double what I do and we split all the bills for the house equally.

Obviously when it's time to pay the nursery I'll split the left over amount so we both pay the same.

[BonzoDooDah]

Ah good luck sorting this one out.
Sounds like more than the money needs sorting.
If you need to chat more keep here!

[moopoint]

Thank you for all your replies. We don't really share house duties either but tbh it doesn't bother me. I quite like having a proper clean, it's therapeutic. How sad!

You have all been really helpful with your suggestions and brought a few well needed home truths to my attention. Thank you so much.

[allagory]

You should see the bursary as your earnings. He is not entitled to it because he does not do the course. In the same way that you are not entitled to his wages so he is not entitled to your bursary.

I hope you also divide all your work in the house equally. If not you should be issuing invoices.

[McChristmasPants2012]

i hope i dont speak out of line here.

my DH even in the early days of or relationship wouldn't take a penny off me for lifts. He wanted to make sure i was safe home.

You are better off without him.

[BonzoDooDah]

Moopoint this sounds a bit horrid and I'm glad you are starting a savings fund. For whatever you need - is good to have some financial security and you're not getting it from him.

By the way - this bursry is YOURS. It is part of YOUR earnings. So why are you taking it off both of your share of the childcare?
Your DP hasn't taken more off "your" half because he earns more so you should be putting the whole bursary - not just the back pay - into YOUR account and continuing the half bills (if that's the way it goes).

He can't have it both ways - he earns more than you but splits the bills half. But when you get more you give him half of it? Can you not see this is grossly unfair?

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Out of interest at Tesco do you buy stuff that he uses?

[PickledFanjoCat]

I think when you have a bit of money put by you may well have more confidence to sort this out..

[moopoint]

I haven't given him anything for it. I can't afford to and wouldn't anyway.

[expatinscotland]

Next time he pressures you about the car, say no.

[moopoint]

The thing is I don't ever get lifts really, only if I've been at my mums and he picks me up on his way home from work which is on the way. I was horrendously sick at uni last week and I got the train home because I didn't want to put him out. Occasionally he takes me to tesco. What he says is ridiculous.

[moopoint]

I won't be paying for the car. Everyone has it spot on.

I'm 100% getting my fund started. I already have an empty savings account so I won't have any hassle. I know I'm going to have to use it.

[expatinscotland]

And when you need a lift, ring a taxi or a friend.

[PickledFanjoCat]

Yes of course everything is fine. He is getting a very very easy ride financially and leaving you short.

If your not ready to do anything at least start putting some money aside. Then when the shit hits the fan you at least hacks a little but of security.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Of course everything is fine. for him

[expatinscotland]

And you're hoping he'll change?! Newsflash: don't pay for his fucking car and then get out of there so you're not paying for his nights out and bets while you go around with no winter boots.

[moopoint]

I try but it's impossible to have a serious talk with him, he either doesn't want to talk about it or genuinely thinks everything's fine. We usually just end up arguing though with him bringing up that I get lifts, which I don't really, and should be helping to pay for the car.

[ivykaty44]

no good will come of playing games, especially playing a game someone has been playing for longer than you

off to my bed now

[PickledFanjoCat]

Well no probably not. Just thinking if she's never even mentioned it it will be worth doing.

[expatinscotland]

You are wasting your energy, moo. He won't change.

[PickledFanjoCat]

Have you had serious words about it moo?

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Financial abuse is a form of domestic violence an exit fund and plan to use if needed is essential anybody who says having one just incase you need to run is wrong is a twat

[PickledFanjoCat]

She is loath to tell him because he would waste it. He is not being great here is he.

She shouldn't be worrying about moral scruples and should be making sure she has a bit if savings in her own name.

[moopoint]

You maybe have a point ivy but I'm looking at it like I'm playing him at his own game.

I think I'm starting to see that expat but I'm hoping that he does change.

[ivykaty44]

you wouldn't tell him about savings as he wouldn't tell you, which means you behave as he dictates and not how you would behave if given the choice to behave as you wish

[expatinscotland]

You don't have money for cheap boots and a winter coat and he blows money on bookies and nights out?

This person is financially abusive. He will never change or get better.